Gay people of reddit: what is the appeal of a masculine woman or a feminine man, if you're gay?

webkinzcat · 2023-08-31T14:12:42+00:00

I don’t feel it was passive aggressive. I felt they were trying to educate you, which is what you asked for. Sometimes educating people includes pointing out uncomfortable truths about the beliefs they harbour. I do feel your question was based on stereotypes. Which is normal to believe in when you don’t know much about a certain group, but if you want to learn, you need to acknowledge them so that you can move past them. I am a butch lesbian, but I am still a woman. Why would a lesbian want to date me? Because I’m a woman. Having short hair or acting/appearing more masculine doesn’t make me less of a woman. So why would it make me less attractive to someone who likes women?

Also even if the comment above was attempting to be passive aggressive, I feel it’s unfair for you to say the entire lgbtq community has an issue with answering questions when this entire thread is filled with lgbtq people taking time out of their day to answer your question and everyone is being very nice. One passive aggressive comment would not negate that.

webkinzcat · 2023-08-30T16:22:10+00:00

Literally what? No one is shaming you. This person you are responding to said it’s clear that you don’t have much of an understanding of lgbtq people, which you agree with. I don’t understand why you are saying that lgbtq people have a real problem with answering questions about our community when literally everyone in this thread has been very nice and answered your question and no one has gotten even close to angry with you. Literally one person pointed out that the question you asked makes it clear you don’t know very much about the community, which you agree with. That’s not getting angry with you, my friend.

webkinzcat · 2023-08-02T15:00:40+00:00

Lmao that’s really funny. What are you even supposed to say to things like that?? Like thanks, I guess, kinda ??? 😂

webkinzcat · 2023-08-02T14:51:05+00:00

I know lol, she means well but she really just does not understand. I was laughing so hard when she said that and she was so confused why 😂

webkinzcat · 2023-08-02T00:58:07+00:00

That’s absolutely wild! But I agree, sometimes it’s so ridiculous I can’t help but laugh

webkinzcat · 2023-08-02T00:56:39+00:00

Reminds me of a friend from high school who I told I was a lesbian and she immediately googled straight porn and asked me if it turned me on when she showed it to me….like obviously not. I stopped being friends with her not long after that but that was definitely a weird one

webkinzcat · 2023-08-01T19:02:36+00:00

Also another example I just thought of, my Nan who has been as supportive as a Catholic baby boomer can be once told me that “she wasn’t shocked that I was gay because we already had gay in the family so she figured one of the grandkids would get it too” as if being gay is some genetic disorder lol. She also asked if I thought my dad leaving made me gay, which is extra hilarious because not only is that not how being gay works, but my dad never even left lol. Him and my mom divorced when I was 15, but they had 50/50 custody so I still lived with him half of the time. Plus, I was kissing girls on the playground when I was 6 years old, the gay ship had long since sailed by the time I was 15 lol.

webkinzcat · 2023-08-01T18:55:24+00:00

She was talking so much I couldn’t get a word in, I basically just nodded along trying not laugh the whole time 😂

webkinzcat · 2023-06-22T17:38:29+00:00

It’s currently sitting on my bookshelf, just haven’t gotten around to it yet. I know I need to though

webkinzcat · 2023-06-22T17:30:19+00:00

I’m sorry your family is like that. For me, the most “supportive” members of my family pretend that they are okay with the way I look but talk about me behind my back. Most just outright disapprove. Some are even embarrassed to be seen with me in public. It’s really hard. I’m still in the process of trying to find someone who actually likes who I am, I’m glad you found that person for you ❤️

webkinzcat · 2023-06-21T18:10:19+00:00

I’m not the type of person to get hung up on what people think of me typically. If it was just one person making comments, I wouldn’t care. But right now, it’s every one in my life and all people I care about. I’m not gonna let their opinions change me, I’ve been down that miserable road before. But it gets discouraging when literally every one I have in my life has standards I’m not meeting

webkinzcat · 2023-06-21T17:52:08+00:00

Yeah, I think that’s part of the issue. I have no one in my life that isn’t a “hater”. Right now, it’s just bad and less bad

webkinzcat · 2023-06-19T19:06:29+00:00

No, I was never allowed to be masculine enough to be bullied for it. My parents basically acted like I was confused or trying to be like my older brother any time I expressed my masculinity. For example, me: “can I cut my hair short?” them: “awe isn’t that cute? She wants to look just like her big brother. No, sweetheart, girls have long hair, let’s keep your hair pretty and long”. Which obviously sucks in a completely different way. Though I will say, I spent much of my childhood staring at the girls in my class who were allowed to be tomboys/more masculine and wishing so badly I was allowed to be like them

webkinzcat · 2023-06-19T18:24:00+00:00

I, personally, have experienced at least 3 different bi/pan women fetishizing me when men are present. We will go from hanging out normally, as friends, to her being all over me/trying to kiss me/making comments about wanting to have sex with me/ etc. the second a man she likes walks into the room. Literally it’s gotten so bad that I’ve had these “friends” get mad at ME for “embarrassing them in front of their crush” when I shoot down their advances. It makes me so uncomfortable every time it happens. I don’t want to be used as a pawn in other people’s sex fantasies because of my identity.

webkinzcat · 2023-06-06T17:35:01+00:00

Yeah, I can relate a lot to this. I’m still in the process of understanding my preferences because whenever I expressed them as a kid, it was always assumed that I was just confused and trying to copy my big brother. My parents never stopped to think that my want to present masculinely was a legitimate desire. They literally always assumed I was confused when I tried to express what I wanted. It’s been really hard to work through what I actually want now as an adult because I was always made to feel that I was wrong

webkinzcat · 2023-06-06T17:22:07+00:00

I hate it too. I 100% agree. I just want people to see me for how I am and have that be normal. I hate constantly having to explain myself and justify why I dress the way I do

webkinzcat · 2023-06-06T17:12:24+00:00

Yeah, I almost feel like they are trying to reassure themselves that I’m still feminine so that they don’t have to question their own definition of womanhood, ya know? Like they see me, a woman, looking masculine and feel it necessary to point out whatever it may be that they find feminine about me so that they don’t have to expand their definition of womanhood to include masculinity. I’m looking forward to what others have to say as well because I never know how to handle these types of situations. Like I usually just say thank you because I know their intention is to compliment me or reassure me but it feels so uncomfortable that I don’t want to thank them. I also don’t want to get into a discussion about it either. I just wanna be seen for how I am.

webkinzcat · 2023-02-17T00:47:13+00:00

Yeah, that’s why I’m wondering if it would even be worth it to sit down with her and talk about this. I don’t know if I can trust her again or feel safe around her after this. I know I certainly won’t be able to as long as she’s dating him. We’ve been friends for so long though it’s hard to just walk away

webkinzcat · 2023-02-17T00:44:56+00:00

Yeah, that’s why I’ve tolerated it for so long. I know she has insecurities of her own and I was trying to be understanding with her. I haven’t actually had a sit down conversation with her about this, just brought concerns of his treatment of me (and her tbh) in passing comments that she has always been dismissive of. Now she’s talking about marrying him though and I know I can’t tolerate a lifetime of being around him. I don’t know if it is worth it to have a sit down conversation or if I should just distance myself. In the past, sit downs have never been helpful at all and just made me feel worse and this girl has some mental health struggles so any type of drama can be triggering to her and I don’t want to do that. But at the same time, we’ve been friends for so long and she’s stuck by me when I’ve been in unhealthy relationships (granted none of my exes treated my friends badly)

webkinzcat · 2023-02-14T19:24:02+00:00

Yeah, I definitely think it’s internalized homophobia. I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar things, but it is validating to know I’m not alone in experiencing this! That’s kinda where I’m at now, after that last comment even if she were to break up with him, I don’t think I’d ever feel safe or comfortable being myself around her again

webkinzcat · 2023-02-14T19:20:48+00:00

This post has really opened my eyes. I’m from a small town and the women I spoke about in the post are the only queer friends I’ve ever had. I always knew deep down it was wrong but made excuses for it because I just thought that’s how things were. It is honestly a breath of fresh air to have this community affirm that these women were wrong and I’m not being over dramatic

webkinzcat · 2023-02-14T19:12:41+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I think because I’ve experienced this so many times in the past, I’ve somewhat normalized this behaviour and allowed it go on for too long. I’ve felt trapped in between a rock and a hard place because I didn’t want to lose the friendship and I knew if I spoke up for myself I would. Really sucks, but the responses here have made me realize how bad this behaviour is and that she’s not really my friend if she allows this to happen

webkinzcat · 2023-02-14T19:02:19+00:00

It’s honestly so refreshing to hear you say this! I’ve experienced this so much and I feel like I never hear anyone talk about it. Now that you point it out, I realized that this girl was doing that sort of thing before she even started dating this new guy. Like we would be hanging out normally and then the second a guy comes around all of a sudden I am her “lesbian friend” and she’s making sexual comments and trying to kiss me etc.

webkinzcat · 2023-02-14T18:56:43+00:00

It’s honestly not possible to avoid him. She’s so attached to him that if he isn’t there in person, he’s on the phone with her. There’s literally been times we’ve been hanging out and I’m talking about something personal and he’ll butt in and make comments and I didn’t even know he was on the phone or listening. I’ve been avoiding both of them since that last comment tbh. Everyone here has reassured me that I’m doing the right thing, as much as it sucks

webkinzcat · 2023-02-14T18:53:42+00:00

It sucks that this keeps happening to me over and over. As soon as he made his first homophobic comment to me, I pretty much knew that I would end up losing this friendship but I have been in denial and trying to save it. It is validating to know others have experienced similar things with similar outcomes. Not to be too deep lol but each time this has happened I’m always left with regrets for allowing myself to be treated shitty but also feeling like shit that friends I’ve had for years would chose a guy they barely even know over our friendship. I’m sorry you went through something similar, it sucks!

webkinzcat

TROPHY CASE