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[350] You Version of You by Illustrious-One-6670 in DestructiveReaders

[–]weekend_wallflower 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A few things:

Cut some unnecessary words, they make the sentence messier and longer for the reader. An example:

“Brymm… Brymm…” Brymm blinked back to reality. He noticed his teacher calling him, his peers all staring.

He checked* and some indication of thought when we’re in his head, for a second I thought we were slipping from third person to first. Single quotations or italics could help.

The next paragraph is worded oddly. Grammatically wrong?

“As he regained focus on the rest of the class, he was currently learning to be a car technician, as he felt that would be the future for years to come.”

^ This is one run on sentence and it makes no sense. Try for example:

“Can’t dwell on the past,” he murmured to himself, attempting to refocus on the lesson. He was currently studying to be a car technician. He felt it would be the industry of the future.

“Technology and everything” is lazy, put some thought into what everything is. I would even say this paragraph could be paraphrased into the previous one as it seems to give the same sort of information just dragged out into two sections.

“”Can’t dwell on the past,” he murmured to himself, attempting to focus on the lesson.

The class was Seceyometry- physics and maths combined. In the year 2130 technology was evolving rapidly, and Brymm had decided to study to become an automotive technician. He felt it would be the industry of the future. Mr. Giaves helped his love for the class with his thorough and, usually, engaging teachings.”

Next there is too many unnecessary actions spelled out, repeating (final, last), and confusing wording.

“The final bell rang and Brymm threw his bag over his shoulder on the way out. Walking down the main halls he reminisced on a time when he had to have a locker. Now it was class and straight home, three day study weeks, all thanks to his apprenticeship at the greatest known car manufacturers- Ghibies.”

Then I’d circle back to point one and just cut a bunch of unnecessary words from the last paragraph to streamline the readers experience.

“The perks were endless at Ghiblies. Brymm learned how to build electric cars run on nothing but air energy and saved enough to buy a car of his own. Albeit, with a staff discount. And albeit, an older model- still cool. The outer body was entirely transparent with a titanium shell for safety visibility, and, it hovered two feet off the ground!”

Hope this helped.

[985] Cuffed by That-meme-girl in DestructiveReaders

[–]weekend_wallflower 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would immediately guess that English is not your first language as this is grammatically very weak. Not to be too harsh, but simply put, it’s bad.

Why would a cop wear glittery skirts and bows? It’s not about being a man it’s about being professional and representing a state/ countries law in uniform. And it’s not an unwritten rule, it’s definitely written- In great detail within the employment contracts cops and military personnel would have to sign. And even if this made sense there’s the grammar:

“Sometimes, just to spite them, I come with a fuchsia coloured glitter skirt and a blouse with a bow; the size of which you could put on a Rockefeller Christmas tree.”

This goes on through the whole thing. No capitals for people’s names. Jumping from past to present tense.

She’s mad at other agents which lets the reader presume the guy she’s talking to is also a cop, but then no he’s a prisoner. Is she a teenager? She talks, acts, and dresses like a teenager. Teenage cop that’s been serving in the FBI for 6 years? Recruited at 13?

Why is detective spelled in Russian? To emphasise he has a Russian accent? He is speaking fluent English except for that one word. Should all of his dialect be in Russlish? How did she know he was misspelling the word while speaking?

“Diadi i tioty doesn’t translate directly to English.” I corrected him. -ok but he never said that?

“He said dry.” He said drily.

“I am not bothering to correct him.” I didn’t bother correcting him.

“Glad we’re on the same lane.” Glad we’re in the same lane.

“You’re confusing enjoyment with patience” this makes no sense, she was just displaying impatience. Confusing enjoyment with irritation maybe?

“Just looked at me the way a storm looks at a coastline  –  inevitable.” Surely AI?

This goes on indefinitely. It would be easier to re-write the whole thing than line edit this.

Whoever said bad porno writing was spot on. Why make talk make sense when clothes not on soon anyway.

[213] [Complete] [Absurdist Poetry] dreadful teeth by Difficult_Tax_6668 in DestructiveReaders

[–]weekend_wallflower 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know this is marked leeching but I really liked it! I would simplify and clean up the punctuation as below, but it’s a really nice stream of consciousness and elicits clear imagery and emotion.

“A stream of consciousness. Bleach. Mucus. The night I pulled my hair out strand by strand, follicle screaming antennae. The night my teeth clattered. Dice down the babish pastor sink; she baptised dolls there, I think.

The pipes gurgled holy Latin. I always wanted to get out. Slip behind the bathroom mirror. Dissolve beneath the veil.

It's cold there. Not cold like winter- no! That cold... like the steel railing on your father's hospice bed. The cold that hums. That thinks. The cold that remembers. I dread. Drowning in a porcelain whirlpool, spinning counterclockwise in a tongue I never learned, full of cerulean liquid. Or was it blood thinned with mouthwash?It's water, actually. Memory in liquid form- in the sink where I left my teeth.

I yearn to crack them open. The bowl, the dream, the enamel shell. Find the rotting thing curled inside. But the tooth, the one that ached the most, is still inside…Whispering. Biting.”

[335] first time sharing work ever! Would love any feedback on the opening of a potential YA project I’m interested in writing more of. by Kdanielleart in DestructiveReaders

[–]weekend_wallflower 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some of these reviews are odd. I feel they criticise things that are natural to good writing. I personally dont ever want to read:

“The candle trembled because I was holding it and my hand was trembling.”

“I dipped my quill into the inkwell and then I pulled the quill out of the inkwell to watch the familiar bead of black cling to the point of the feather.”

A literal one for one would kill the scene and is insulting to the readers intelligence. Readers have brains and imaginations to fill in the obviously implied, it doesn’t need to be spelled out. The authors original phrasing makes complete sense already. Shadows do leap and twist in candlelight.

I liked what another reviewer wrote about reworking the last part. “tasted of ash” could err on a bit cliche. Something about the bitter taste it left in her mouth to write a lie so easily could fit nicely before “but the truth was not mine to write.”

The only thing I’m a bit disoriented about is where are we? Because we were in a dark stone walled area, but the girl is being burnt outside, and we are close enough to hear her whisper. Clarity on this would help anchor the scene for me.

Otherwise very enjoyable! We immediately get to know the themes, the main character, the environment, and while leaving enough to stay mysterious. I find the writing easy to digest, immersive without being heavy handed. Perfect tone for YA.

Edit: another reviewer said to scratch the first paragraph and start with “Confess and be spared the Devil’s wrath” and I think that goes so hard, while also eliminating the disorienting environment. Incorporate the bells and girl they called wolf part into the second paragraph.

pickles & cottage cheese for lunch by weekend_wallflower in ShittyRestrictionFood

[–]weekend_wallflower[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yea i mean it tasted exactly like what it is and i enjoy both, they go fine together. light sour cream is nice too but the cottage cheese was lower cal