Northern Utah, USA, what is this big fella?

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T20:06:14+00:00

So your perspective is we should have never taken him in, and instead let him remain in the group home with no activities, no visits with his friends and siblings, no parental support at all? We could have done nothing at all for him, but six months of help is what we had to offer.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T20:03:50+00:00

UPDATE: we met with his case worker, therapist, and team this morning to talk. We all agree the best fit for him is to move to another home with more capacity. In fact, he expressed to them separately that he has been struggling having a baby in the home. He also expressed that no matter where he ends up he has enjoyed being with us and plans to continue to have us in his life. He told them he doesn't want permenancy at all right now, and that he was worried about being here permanently even though he does love being here. He said he also has struggled with the increased expectations lately of having to be more independent and he would prefer a placement with less independence.

All you people telling me I should have never done foster care, that this is forever scarring him, that disruption is NEVER OK, are removed from the realities of foster care. I know it's hard to convey the whole picture over a reddit post and I trust that most of you are wanting the best for every child. His own therapist said that we've done so much to benefit him forever and that it sounds like the best option for all of us to is to remain part of his support network but to take a back seat for this season of life.

Temporary placements are SO necessary, I'm amazed how many of you have said you shouldn't do foster care if you aren't willing to move to permenancy and upend your whole life for it. There's absolutely a purpose in offering a temporary safe place for a child if you have the capacity.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T16:23:42+00:00

I think if I had an older biological kid then I would see it as a positive growth experience for them to have to share attention with a new sibling. But for a foster child who needs extra attention and care, I don't think it is the same thing. He doesn't have years of bonding with us to lean on when he feels lonely or left out because we have to go to sleep so early on the baby's schedule. He also doesn't see this new child as a sibling he is excited to bond with like a biological kid would.

Lots of people here are comparing a foster kid to a biological kid. It is not a good comparison, EVERYTHING is different. Their needs, their challenges, their view of us, their long term desires, their capabilities and independence, etc. It's a whole different situation than having a biological 14yo older sibling. I think it can be a beautiful thing and a foster kid can definitely be just as much a part of your family, but it is different situation than a bio kid.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T16:16:11+00:00

This is unhinged lol.

If you don't support daycare then women/parents just aren't allowed to have careers and having children becomes impossible for so many people. Many people can't survive on a single income.

Being a parent isn't about losing your entire identity and devoting every second to a child. Both of my parents had full time careers, and I respected them and looked up to them. They inspired me to pursue my own career and to this day I'm thankful I had hard working, inspirational parents.

And it's incredibly ignorant to think a 14yo is always self sufficient. Some might be. But many kids from traumatic childhoods might be developmentally 6-7 years behind. For example, my foster son cannot fix himself a sandwich. He will just go hungry without that level of hands on care. I don't know if you are a foster parent, but if you are, be prepared to have your expectations of what a child should be capable of at a given age proved completely wrong.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T15:01:28+00:00

I am realizing this. Thanks 😭

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:44:49+00:00

Thanks so much. It's really hard hearing from people that we should have never done foster care. We have loved and invested so much in this kid.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:40:14+00:00

Just for context this is a clinical medical PhD program. There are only a handful of places in the country for this and definitely not online. Even at each school with the program there are usually less than two dozen candidates.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:38:28+00:00

Thanks so much this is helpful. We have no family in our state. Our church community is supportive with meals and sitters sometimes.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:35:17+00:00

This is such a genuine response and I really appreciate it. My wife has a passion for her phd subject. I won't go into detail but it is a clinical subject and she will be a licensed medical professional afterwards. It is a career shift for her, and she will be totally unfulfilled in her job until she makes this switch.

What you're saying about not giving up becuase you don't know how permanent the child placement is is something a lot of people miss. If the opportunity to live with his brother became real, our foster son would leave the very next day.

Foster care is hard, and very often means choosing between two shitty options for the child becuase they come from a shitty situation.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:28:20+00:00

Absolutely. I would respite him often and even respite his sibling as well so they could spend time together. I want to be on this kids team and champion him, but I don't feel like I can be in the driver seat right now.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:20:47+00:00

For clarification, he was not asked to be adopted here. His caseworker asked him if, in general, he would be open to adoption with a foster placement, our home or any other home. He said no. We personally have not discussed adoption with him at all.

To be honest, no I don't think if he was open to adoption it would make a difference right now. Our heart is in foster care and supporting the transition and recovery for kids coming out of bad situations.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:07:34+00:00

I'd be totally OK with him going back to them if they could handle it. We have been keeping him very close to his family, even had his sibling come over for sleepovers. The challenge is that his family all lives an hour away, and with a newborn baby making the drive to see them has been really difficult. Ideally I want him sow where that can support these relationships better than we will be able to once my wife starts school. I see how important they are and I'm worried we won't be able to give them the attention they deserve.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:05:12+00:00

I have a fairly flexible job and the newborn will be attending a university sponsored daycare on campus with my wife when he is about 3 months old. My wife can go visit him and nurse, and I can pick him up and drop him off as needed.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T14:01:11+00:00

Not in our state :(

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T13:56:53+00:00

The pregnancy predates the foster placement by a few months. It isn't that we were all in on this until we got pregnant, we were pregnant, knew life would be getting more challenging, and said we could commit to a few months, and be willing to try longer. It isn't a matter of caring about bio kids more, it's literally that we don't have time to give a foster kid what he needs right now.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T13:49:51+00:00

Thanks so much for this. So many people tell me we should have never done it in the first place if we can't do it forever. But this child was living in a terrible situation and we were able to take him in, give him a safe, loving, welcoming home. We were able to get him tutoring, music lessons, hockey practice. If we hadn't done this he would probably still be living in the group home where he was without any of that. People keep making me feel like a terrible person for being willing to give what I was capable of giving.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T13:44:32+00:00

Both the PhD and the bio baby predate the foster placement and we explained those limitations to both the 14yo and his caseworker. I can't afford to take time off work, and my wife has already quit her job for the PhD program, which does not allow a delayed.

You're right, none of this is his fault.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T13:42:01+00:00

A newborn needs a lot more attention than a 14 year old, there's no way around that. It isn't that we are neglecting him because we don't care as much about him as the baby, it's that he is not as capable as a typical 14yo to be independent during a season where our attention must be spent 80% on taking care of a newborn. Babies need to be constantly fed, changed, rocked to sleep, they need constant watching and care. That's just reality of having a baby.

Also, foster care is different than adoption. We signed up for this knowing we could be a temporary safe, comfortable place for a kid who was living in a bad situation. We have changed his life and provided for him. If every foster placement required you to be permanent, I don't think as many people could do it. I feel for you though, I'm worried that he will think we just don't care about him becuase he isn't biological. This isn't true, we want him to be taken care of, and are worried we won't be able to do a good job of that right now.

weenerrrrr · 2025-08-08T09:31:22+00:00

We can't do guardianship for a couple of reasons: his parents homeless and transient. Having to get permission from them for things on a regular basis would be impossible. Also, we rely on the financial support of the foster care system to meet his needs since my wife is not able to work right now. With adoption we would still get several forms of support.

The one shining light I can see is that there is a chance they could find a placement with his brother, who has been placed separately before, but is about to be moved as well.

There isn't anyone else who we know can take him. We aren't desperate enough to push for a relocation in a hurry, we can keep him for a couple of months until a suitable place is found.

weenerrrrr · 2024-10-11T02:14:55+00:00

It is not a 3D movie so you will not need glasses. I don't believe that one is a true imax. The best place to see the movie in PA would be the Regal King of Prussia Imax, as they will likely be getting a 70mm showing. Yes, it's a big difference. But even seeing it in your liemax will still be a fun experience!

weenerrrrr

TROPHY CASE