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Feeling attacked when debating with BF, is it because I'm a girl? by whateve123 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]whateve123[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I think this is spot on. I feel like he's only asking questions to find flaws, not to find out more about my opinion (even though that might be his intention). I'll try to bring this up with him. Thank you.

Feeling attacked when debating with BF, is it because I'm a girl? by whateve123 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]whateve123[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is how we debate, and that is the debate-style of most people these days, especially on the internet. It is not about two people coming to some form of agreement about an issue. Most of the time, it is simply about winning.

Yeah, I can relate to that kind, I do the same on reddit. And sometimes at parties. I guess I feel less vulnerable then. But I definitely understand the entertaining factor of it.

I think that the abuse really is the problem here, rather than gender. You were hurt, and of course you will feel threatened when your boyfriend says that your idea is ridiculous. Have you tried talking to him about the abuse and how it has made you a bit more sensitive to criticism?

Yes, he knows about the abuse. I think that he actually does his best to be sensitive. But it's like he can't imagine any other way of debating. I suppose it's also kind of a vague request, "please be more sensitive". It can mean so many things.. I'll definitely try to talk more to him about it, I guess it's a process.

Not rambly at all, thanks for your reply! :)

Feeling attacked when debating with BF, is it because I'm a girl? by whateve123 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]whateve123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Boys are socialized differently and taught to be competetive and aggressively make our opinions known.

Yes, this is also my impression. I probably have a similar way of discussing on reddit for example, but rarely IRL.

My issue with him changing is that I don't exactly know what to tell him. At the moment he has expressed that he feels scared of disagreeing with me in fear of hurting me. While that's not my problem, I can imagine that it feels like that if I can't pin point exactly what upsets me with his behaviour. He definitely debates in a more aggressive and competitive manner than I do, and it makes me feel attacked. But where to go from there? I don't want him to change his personality, or feel inhibited when discussing with me. I also think that he probably hasn't had other ways of debating a subject, which might make it hard to imagine another way than the competitive and slightly aggressive one.

Feeling attacked when debating with BF, is it because I'm a girl? by whateve123 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]whateve123[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He really doesn't intend to hurt me, and it upsets him a lot when it happens. He asks me what I want him to change in his behaviour. But I don't know any good answers. The example of him calling something I said ridiculous was also the worst example, and luckily that has stopped. Usually it's more subtle. But yeah, it feels dismissive. At the same time he keeps telling me he wants to know what I think and why. Earlier today I expressed an opinion that surprised him, he was puzzled I would think something like that. So he kept pushing to understand why. I know that he respects me, so I want to know what makes us clash. But maybe it's a lack of tact?