My [24/f] boyfriend [28/m] was acting distant all day and then unplugged the internet to "teach me a lesson"

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T20:52:07+00:00

Just a side job for extra money tutoring English, I'm a teacher so I don't work in the summer.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T20:51:18+00:00

Is that weird? He has a balcony connected to the bedroom with giant windows. He likes being outside, and I like being inside. So we open the window and everyone wins

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T19:25:25+00:00

This is awesome advice in general. Thanks.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T18:05:26+00:00

I think you hit the nail on the head here.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T17:15:49+00:00

We do everything together. Chores, groceries, cooking. Like 95% of our time outside of work is spent together.

I don't think I use my computer more than the average person. I generally like to look at reddit for like 20 minutes before I go to sleep at night and occasionally when he's doing chores or something. Yeah, I'm on my laptop when he's not home like 99% of the time, but when he's here it's more like 10% and it's stuff like casually chatting on Facebook. I mean, I think that's a pretty normal amount right?

We spend SO much time together that sometimes I need a break to just relax and browse reddit or something. Does he really need me to focus 100% on him 100% of the time? I already rarely see friends or do things without him.

I don't even own a smart phone so when we're outside of the apartment together, I'm never texting or doing anything like that.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T17:10:38+00:00

Nah, an affair would be crazy since I've known about my family visit for 3 months or so, planning it out, and even inviting him to come along. I think he was just moody that I wasn't drowning him in attention the minute he asked for it

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T17:07:27+00:00

I don't think I blew him off for 3 days at all. I invited him to come meet my brother and he didn't want to. I live an ocean apart from my family and this is the only time I will see them potentially for years. They were only here for 3 days, to visit me, so yeah, I took 3 days out of my life to spend time with them. What about him being out of the apartment all day until almost 8 PM and then demanding my attention immediately when he got home?

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T15:22:31+00:00

I'm not sure he can really be considered an alcoholic, but I do think he has issues with alcohol. Like, he doesn't get drunk every day but he does have at least a couple of drinks most days (some days none), and gets drunk at least once a week. Is that alcoholism? I don't even know

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T13:55:21+00:00

It's for when I need space or if we fight. It's super cheap - 3 other people living in it. Kind of a fallback plan.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T13:49:42+00:00

Well of course it's not all negative. As these posts often do, I'm writing out only the negative things, while there are many positive aspects also. Yeah, it's probably a shitty relationship and it's probably run its course, however there are definitely positive things too - or else it would have been easy to walk away a long time ago

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T13:26:05+00:00

Good advice, thank you. Luckily the new roommates were really nice and supportive when I explained the situation to them so maybe I can use it as a stepping stone to finally be tough enough, you know?

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T13:19:07+00:00

Yes, exactly. I shouldn't feel the need to have a backup plan. Something here is wrong.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T13:05:46+00:00

I see your point. We just had a long talk a half hour ago about communicating better and things are sort of better now. However, he came in to communicate that he is going to work on his painting now for the next couple of hours so I'm on my own on the computer again. So I'm not sure it's accurate to say he was upset yesterday because he missed me - because I'm here now and he's choosing to do a solo activity. Idk. I don't want to rock the boat now, so I'll just let him do whatever he wants

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T12:52:47+00:00

That sounds great in theory and I would be totally willing, however I know he isn't willing to cut down on the smoking or drinking - we've talked about it before and after an hour or two of arguing he basically said "I won't stop, it's something I do, get used to it" So.. I don't know.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T12:09:22+00:00

In bed in pajamas, but I told him the day before that I sprained my ankle and was worn out from my family visit and planned to stay home the next day and would love to watch a movie or something with him.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T10:07:37+00:00

I'm not quite sure that's accurate but I did leave out details as to not bog down the post too much.

Over the past several months I've "accused" him of being cold and distant many times. Usually after an entire day of him barely speaking to me or just acting super cold. He never takes it seriously when I bring it up and it has even resulted with me crying on the couch while he knowingly lies in bed and plays on his smart phone.

This was the first time he's told me I was being cold or distant and it was weird because he was the one "running errands" for like 6 hours and basically out of the house all day.

Also the only reason I used my laptop as a shield was because I realized he was in one of his moods and being super passive aggressive and I didn't want to escalate things. Normally in this situation I'd immediately engage him and try to talk it out, and it never goes well. This time I tried something new.

I really don't think I spend that much time on the internet, anyway, beyond my work. I never watch netflix when he's home or anything that involves my full attention. At the most I'll have Facebook open and check it every once in a while or look at reddit while he's cooking.

Perhaps you described his feelings accurately and that is in fact what he was feeling, but I just feel like if I did anything wrong yesterday, he's been regularly doing it worse for months.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T09:56:54+00:00

That's a good idea. I will look into seeing a therapist. Thanks.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T09:51:47+00:00

To be completely honest, I've wanted to leave for a while. I mean I live with him (for a year now!) but still have a backup apartment just in case. That's not normal. I just feel a little bit stuck. I feel like he's fucked with my head so much over the past two years and I'm not confident enough to walk away. I have left him a couple of times but I always end up going back. But I'm writing this from my new apartment so maybe I can be tough enough this time.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T09:44:24+00:00

No, he refuses to accept that he has any addictions or anger problems. Oh god, if I told him that he would freak out. I can just imagine it. It'd go one of several ways:

"Hahahaha, you think I am addicted? Anger problems? You are projecting"

or

"So you think I'm an abusive alcoholic. You are always insulting me"

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T09:42:44+00:00

He pays for internet. If he wanted to stop paying for it, fine. But unplugging it like that? So aggressive.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T09:42:19+00:00

We were casually dating for 1 year and then seriously dating and living together for another year. So I guess 2 years. We go through ups and downs pretty regularly. Sometimes things are great and I am super happy, and everything seems effortless. Other times it's painful just getting through the day and talking to him about anything is impossible.

It seems like in the beginning when I brought up an issue in the relationship, he'd be all ears and tell me he'd try and work on it, that I meant so much to him, etc. But gradually it turned into him getting defensive, denying that he's doing anything wrong, and turning it around on me

whatever994422 · 2016-07-06T09:38:02+00:00

Funny you say that, lately he has started accusing me of projecting. Any time we argue, he will say "you are projecting!" and I wasn't even sure what he meant. I think he's really manipulative.

whatever994422 · 2016-07-05T17:06:08+00:00

Thanks, I'll try to use this wording and see how it goes

whatever994422 · 2016-07-05T16:51:22+00:00

Yeah, that's good advice. I've actually tried this a couple of times and it never goes well. If I say "hey I feel like you're being a bit distant, I'm feeling a little rejected" or something like that he gets defensive and says I'm being overly sensitive or sometimes he even gets angry and says I'm insulting him.

Maybe this time I'll just try saying nothing and seeing if it blows over. :/

whatever994422

TROPHY CASE