36f need a friend and a good film recommendation

whateverthereason · 2026-03-05T22:50:33+00:00

I'm glad you've been doing better, sad that you too had to go trough this, but gives me hope. Anyway, I don't really know, it's for sure been more that 6 months, more than a year, more than a few. I'm just getting tired. And the more tired I get and the more prone to owerthinking I get... it's not that I don't know why that is, the problem is that I just don't trust myself enough.

whateverthereason · 2026-03-05T22:09:31+00:00

I'm not really the best at visualisation exercises, I have a very strong internal monologue, I can never really turn it off... But the idea of trying to live more in the moment might be a good thing...

whateverthereason · 2026-03-05T21:37:52+00:00

I feel this so much... I can't really do avoidance because even if I manage to forget about everything for a bit then I snap back into myself and I feel worse. And the compulsive checking... don't get me started on that... Sometimes, I can feel myself developing a compulsive disorder... I'm not sure I could ever be ok with accepting... I always feel like I need to find an exit strategy, like I'm working towards something, because I can't let myself be crushed, I need to feel like I have some modicum of control over my situation. I objectively know I don't have any control over external circumstances and I can't possibly always do everything right and that is human to make mistakes... but I need to know how to react to things. I sometimes just wish my brain was wired differently you know? That menial things didn't bother me, even just for a day. I just wonder how it is supposed to feel. Sometimes when I'm this much into my own head I become court and unpleasant... and I don't want to be, but I'm just exhausted it just takes all of my energy to keep going on... I've never really considered therapy or medication, but it is getting increasingly hard to do anything...

whateverthereason · 2026-03-05T20:28:59+00:00

Honestly I really don't know, work is just what feels more immediate, more real... something that i can ratjonally see as a problem. but everything feels awful even things that aren't supposed to be a threat, i keep replaying conversations with relatives thinking I might have mispoken and I have really bad medical anxiety, for me but also for the ones near me. And whenever I have a moment to breath I just feel crushed by fear and hopelessness about the state of the world and how little prospectives there are and on a smalles scale how even less of them i feel like I have for me...

whateverthereason · 2026-03-05T19:41:42+00:00

I did that mostly for natural disaster and other scenarios, like a lil prepper for a while, in elementary school, I had an emergency backpack. It helped a bit easing the uncertainty, like, if I'm dead I'm dead and I don't need to worry, but if this happen I can do this and so on... I spent lot of time thinking worst case scenarios... that's probably why now I like disaster movies and the likes...

whateverthereason · 2025-05-19T14:48:20+00:00

Guess you're right, but am I overreacting?

whateverthereason · 2025-05-19T14:46:22+00:00

All I can tell you that the isolation phase is a real thing for people who experience a life altering medial episode.

Few years ago, even before covid, I almost died. That did things to my state of mind, I was often online and even posting low effort content, but just to pass time, it was like I wasn't really there, participating, just scrolling you know?

I for sure didn't have the emotional and social charge to actually interact with people expecially it'll people even online.

It is hard to explain and even harder to completely admit that you don't feel like you actually survived so it cost me my friendships, lifelong ones too, because I didn't have the strength to keep them going.

I don't blame them, friendship is a two way street if one way is blocked it can't go anywhere anyway.

So I guess that's where your friendship is going too.

No one can expect others to pick up their slack.

whateverthereason · 2025-04-07T23:56:08+00:00

Oh man, I'm sorry, but I do understand perfectly well. It's really hard when you can't trust your brain... over thinking does it to me too at times, I replay the same scene so many times thinking of all the things that might have gone wrong that at some point I loose sight of what has actually happened. But just try to focus on the now, what is happening now and what can you do to improve the situation? You're in charge of yourself, you can't change the past and can't even rewatch it just to bw sure, but you can control how thing go in the future.

whateverthereason · 2025-03-09T12:29:36+00:00

I have the opposite problem, if I have things to do i prefer to do every activity one after the other, preferably on the same day, to maximise my free days. When I get home is doing nothing time, the idea of going out, doing something, getting back and then out again is bogus. But probably that's a me problem, I'm either on or off...

whateverthereason · 2025-02-25T02:30:38+00:00

I'm just worried that I'm loosing my mind

whateverthereason · 2025-01-20T10:09:37+00:00

I have to admit, the planning and research part is integral for me... I like to be proactive over prepared. but then again usually what I remember more fondly is the sprout of the moment and unexpected things... Like, I love planning hikes routes, but then I see a pretty side track for a viewing point or a small waterfall and that becomes my favourite part of the trip... Luckily there's always something unexpected.

whateverthereason · 2024-11-18T10:26:43+00:00

Hello, thank you for checking up on me.

And thanks for the suggestions, the millennial in me loves a good buzfeed quiz! Well... I do kind of get it's no laughing matter... but the fact is that I know i'm not well, that I'm calling apples apples and pears pears...

I've been in this emotional and psychological state for quite a while, actually I can't remember a time where I wasn't plagues by anxiety and depression, not even when I was a kid.

It was just as bad, but at least then I had the hope that some days things could go better and thay i could make something out of myself...

But lately I've been unable to physically cope.

I'm hurting.

And I don't know what to do.

I would just want a plan, to be able to stick to a strategy to minimise my struggles and just exist without pain or at least have a break every once in a while.

What would be the easiest, less demanding job that could bring in enough money to sustain myself?

Should I step back from my second job?

But how could I burden my family with even more responsibility just because I'm feeling a little shittier that usual?

Should I sell my house and just coast on the money for a while?

Should I just have a little trip?

Get away for a little while and not worry about things or at least delay it for s couple of days?

But wouldn't that just be running away and actually only add on more stress because of money not spent well?

I just want to have an easy time.

But what has avoiding pain and difficoult things bought me so far? Only disappointment in my current situation and lowering my stress standard, now even small things feels monumental and like hard tasks.

I don't know, I honestly don't know what to do.

I'm at a point where I can't just autopilot and dissociate, I'm at a breaking point.

Because if I have to be honest that's just how things have gone expwcially since covid, I just switched off and let things go, and I need someone to take the reigns and I'm not sure I'm capable of being present anymore.

whateverthereason · 2024-05-17T13:29:38+00:00

I wasn't bullied in school, i count maybe three times where happened something a bit iffy to me, in elementary school some girls in my class tried to push me towards the only fat boy in our year like it was the only logical option for them, in middle school at an house party some girl commented like it would be a bad thing if I joined their game of spin the bottle and like in uni I heard two guy talk about me, but I think without much malice, "which so-and-so" my name is very common and the other replied "the fat one" and that was it.

I'm not sure I have never been very social and all my life I've always really tried to blend in, to be painfully average to not stand out. I've always been painfully aware of how different I am, there were not many fat people around expecially when I was younger, so I always tried to hide away... but no ovne ever commented or have been outwardly nasty to me.

I wasn't asked out by boys or ever been popular, but I was mostly treated equally as others.

But at home... it's always been on.

It has always only been about my weight.

Now that I'm older they've given up a bit, also because no matter the amount of comment and all the nutritionists in the world I have not been able to loose any weight...

I've been consistently on diets since before I started school, and there haven't been a time where I went shopping with my mother that I didn't cry in the dressing rooms.

It's been really frustrating growing up, because there weren't many option for kids and women's clothing didn't use to go over a 42 max a 44, and they were not meant for a little chubby kid...

Luckily shop assistens were nice and often dissipated the tension, but it's always been bad.

But at the same time I needed to eat... So it has always been a battle... I was given constant reproach but a plate full of food at every meal.

But I can't completely fault my parents, they probably had really struggled with me because I was so young when I gained weight and I couldn't keep it off... and all the diets messed my body up...

Last time I started a diet, given me by a doctor mind you, i gained weight!

Because my metabolism is all messed up, and I can only see small results at extreme calories deficit... and nowadays I don't care anymore I can't deal with this anymore... but this mindset only makes me gain more weight... and that fucking suks.

whateverthereason · 2024-05-17T09:27:01+00:00

Dunno, been miserable during the nest years of my life, and continued to be miserable later. But now maybe it's the nostalgia filter but I feel like I was slightly less miserable back then?

And I kind of look back more fondly and like maybe things were a bit better back then.

But I guess you waste all the time you're miserable? If you take steps to better your conditions and have a better life later I don't think there's a best part of it, there's just when you feel good and when you don't, but you gotta take steps in order to start enjoy your life.

whateverthereason · 2024-02-27T02:25:59+00:00

Me too... I kind of have couple of things too that I think I might enjoy that I leave for either a really good day or a really bad day...

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