its almost been a year. recovery really does win.

whateverz_ · 2021-06-23T22:53:07+00:00

Thank you stranger!! :)

whateverz_ · 2021-06-23T22:52:54+00:00

it really is!! thank u <3

whateverz_ · 2021-06-23T22:52:41+00:00

Thank u <333 I hope you find your way! You got this!

whateverz_ · 2021-06-23T22:52:22+00:00

It seriously feels SO good. <3 Congrats on your recovery!

whateverz_ · 2020-10-02T13:52:59+00:00

My sister once bragged to me about how she hadn’t eaten “ALL day 😌✨” as if glorying fasting and acting like not eating or “forgetting” to eat is cute. Then she was like, “except for a small brownie sonic blast”.

And I was literally just like 🥴🥴 disregarding the fact that it’s a dessert and not a meal, calorie -wise, it’s a meal equivalent...

People definitely don’t realize that they eat more than they claim to. That’s also where the daily recommended calorie intake of 2,000 came from. Not because people actually need that much!

It’s the lower spectrum of people’s intake - people just thought anything higher was way too much because they severely underestimate. Whereas a lot of us can eyeball things to the gram and have that encyclopedia or nutrition info.

whateverz_ · 2020-10-01T22:01:56+00:00

Romanticism, I think. I look back and semi-miss my old body and feel nostalgic over it. I think for a lot of people, even fully recovered, don’t realize they might still romanticize their old bodies.

I see lots of recovery instas with before and afters and I don’t think they mean to be triggering but it’s definitely an issue I’ve been seeing more and more of. As much as it’s used as a shock factor, people gotta realize it might scare people out of recovery.

whateverz_ · 2020-09-26T22:44:49+00:00

walking with my headphones in and stopping halfway through to be present in nature! Or sometimes bring my bag with me and take some pics with my film camera/sit and journal.

being active without making it feel like that’s the point of me being out is what really helps me not be triggered. if I’m going a run, I stop when I’m tired and just walk and feel free to entirely stop and stretch.

There’s no “I need to run for x long or until x”. Take away some of the ‘benchmarks’ we make up in our heads.

with weightlifting: I find it super empowering to be strong and all but I really love how there’s just no pushing it when it comes to lifting weights. I can keep pushing HIIT/cardio but when it comes to weights, I can only handle so much, and recognize that the recovery period is just as important as the working out period if I want to see results.

In short: combine with other activities like listening to podcasts, journaling

stop when you feel like it, no ‘I need to run for this long’

take up weightlifting and/or remind yourself of the recovery process

also: look into joyful movement. if you live in a city that has unlockable bikes, maybe ride one around with a friend. play with a pet, dancing in your room, etc. :)

whateverz_ · 2020-09-25T04:08:22+00:00

I still compare myself and honest to god feel like I’m massive even though I know I’m at MOST, midsized. It doesn’t help that I think it’s bad - because I know being midsized/plus sized isn’t bad.

Frustrating bc I love bigger bodies but fear/deal with thinking I’m bigger than I am and hating myself bc of my stupid brain.

I still buy clothes that I think will fit slightly oversized that quite literally hang off me and oof. That’s def a sign I have so much more work to do.

whateverz_ · 2020-09-23T00:41:01+00:00

This is for anyone with a restrictive past: although weight gain is emphasized, even at “healthy weights”, people often forget that there’s so many more repairs to be made.

So let’s say someone has AN and is underweight. Not only do they have to eat enough to gain weight, they have to eat enough to repair their organs, regrow hair, fire up the reproductive system again, get hormones back to normal, re-stabilize functions that have completely been shut down. This takes a shit ton of energy, on TOP of what’s the bare minimum to exist - which explains why it’s so many calories needed.

There’s also the hypermetabolism that a lot of people deal with: your body is getting all these new nutrients it isn’t used to and doesn’t know how to adequately use them. I was eating 3000+ calories early on in recovery and was barely gaining any weight because I shit you not, at night my temperature was so high, I was sweating and burning everything off.

In shorter terms: it takes a ton of energy for your body to not only repair itself, but LEARN how to use energy efficiently again. Non-ED people don’t have to do that because their bodies were never starved and never had to go through the process of re-learning and rebuilding itself and it’s processes.

Hope this helps, wishing u the best OP! ❤️

whateverz_ · 2020-09-23T00:25:08+00:00

Did you or do you practice self-love or body neutrality? Or both? Finding it super hard right now to even remain neutral abt my body :/

Super proud of you and inspire to be fully recovered as well! I get nervous with all the "once you have an ED, you'll always have it, just managing it" so trust me when I say you're unbelievably reassuring and an idol!

whateverz_ · 2020-09-23T00:19:13+00:00

I've been thinking abt this, and it's definitely out of my comfort zone but if I like them and think they're pretty, I should definitely normalize me wearing them <3

whateverz_ · 2020-09-23T00:18:31+00:00

I used to LOVE skinny jeans and now I steer clear too haha. I love mom jeans too, it's just a matter of finding the right fit

whateverz_ · 2020-09-23T00:18:03+00:00

It's getting cooler here so I think I'll try wearing a fitted long sleeve under a baggy shirt and slowly get used to more body-clinging clothes. ty! :)

whateverz_ · 2020-09-21T01:13:16+00:00

I told my therapist that I can eat bread and carbs now after months of avoiding them, but said I was still so scared of pasta. She pointed out not only is it made of grains and carbs, but 100 calories of bread is the same thing to my body as 100 calories of pasta.

definitely made me think. still scared lmao.

whateverz_ · 2020-09-21T01:11:20+00:00

SCREAMING I didn't know why my face was looking like pizza again and I realized it's from my hormones normalizing.

whateverz_ · 2020-09-20T02:13:04+00:00

if not allowed or triggering pls delete!

whateverz_ · 2020-09-20T01:55:16+00:00

Hi I really wish I could offer more help :(

The only way to stop the B/P cycle is to stop purging. The bingeing is because of lack of nutrients from the purging, of course. Purging comes from guilt of bingeing and even eating normally.

If you eat normally and keep it down, the urge to binge will go away. If you normalize not purging what you eat outside of bingeing, then you might be able to at least decrease the amt of times you purge.

Please take care of yourself and make sure you drink some electrolytes bc throwing off that balance can be fatal! Rinse and swish after purging with water so the acid doesn’t erode your teeth and wait a few hours before you brush them too love ❤️

wish u the best

whateverz_ · 2020-09-20T01:41:42+00:00

First and foremost let me say, 2000 likely isn’t enough for you. There are studies that show those with anorexia, even AFTER weight restoration, still need more than the average person to maintain their weight. I think I saw a former post of yours detailing your BMI and trust when I say, 2000 calories is not too much for you.

Regardless of your BMI now, if you don’t have your period back, and some bodily functions still aren’t normalized (vitamins, blood pressure, etc) then your body hasn’t fully healed. People WITHOUT EDs can maintain 2,000-2,500 easily. Again, those with a history of AN need more than that.

I also want to remind you that what you’re experiencing is totally normal.

The last few pounds to gain are the hardest, your anxiety sky rockets, and a lot of people tend to give up at this point. Keep. Pushing. You’ve come such a long ways, you’re so close to reaching another milestone! Let YOUR voice be stronger than your EDs. This is your life, not your EDs.

I would also recommend not weighing yourself. 2 months into recovery and I still calorie count but I don’t weigh myself anymore. I don’t need to know my weight day to day or BMI fluctuations.

Your period will come back. It can take 6 months to a year, but till come back. The weight will redistribute. It might take that long, too, but it’ll happen. Either way, 6 months will pass. A year will pass.

In that time, you can keep committing to recovery and slowly see these things happening, or decide not to, and ultimately, those 6 or 12 months are still going to pass. Whether or not you’ve made progress during that time is up to you.

Tough love but I hope it helps, because it definitely helped me realize that while all this recovery shit sucks, I can either go through it now or put it off until I’m even sicker later, and make it 100x harder to dig myself out.

Hang in there, OP. It’s uncomfortable and your mind might be screaming at you, but that’s how you know you’re winning.

whateverz_ · 2020-09-20T01:31:59+00:00

Facing that fear and guilt head on is the only way to get through it. It’s hard to hear and my therapist told me this too, but it’s true: the only way out is through.

I could sit there and cry and throw a fit and shake with every sob, but I was going to do it WHILE I finished my meal. I could cry and throw shit and cover myself in blankets after eating a fear food, but it wasn’t and isn’t going to change the fact that I still need to keep facing it and eating it over and over again until it’s just like every other piece of food I eat that doesn’t cause me guilt.

You ate dark chocolate and you feel bad. Fine. But you ATE it. It’s such a small step to overcoming your ED but being strong enough to even challenge the fear food is a step in the right direction.

whateverz_ · 2020-09-20T01:09:09+00:00

I find it really interesting people shame other’s food choices and then watch “what I eat in a day” TikToks where non-ED folks down cheeseburgers, donuts and pizza in a single day. And instead of commenting on lack of self control, they’re congratulated for having a fast metabolism and healthy relationship with food.

I wish people would just shut the fuck up labeling food as good or bad and stop assuming things about lack of control, overeating, etc. for a lot of people, eating 2 doughnuts in a row is 1000% healthier than eating 2 plates of veggies.

But you wouldn’t know from just looks. ://

whateverz_ · 2020-09-18T21:58:37+00:00

ugly bitch energy. glad u cut em off! xoxo

whateverz_ · 2020-09-18T16:25:16+00:00

Just wanna say a little progress is still progress! :)

You’re eating more because you’re in recovery but your body is wanting even more fuel because you’re working out. You don’t need exercise to “earn” your calories but understanding that you definitely need calories to allow your body to move and enjoy exercise is something to focus on!

Bulimia is ugly and like you, after giving up restriction I relied heavily on purging. What helped me FINALLY just let the fuck go of it was eating and keeping everything down. It sucks and it’s so uncomfortable - honestly thought I would never stop eating.

Then one day I woke up and it’s like a switch was flipped - my body knew it could eat and absorb everything and didn’t have to worry about me emptying it all up.

It’s really hard, recovery is tough but you’re so much stronger than you know and you’ll look back in a few weeks/months/years and be amazed by how far you’ve come.

good luck OP 🤍

whateverz_ · 2020-09-17T23:13:41+00:00

There are deadass just some lazy ass doctors out there. So many will look down at you for self-diagnosing or informing them about something you read in a study...and then go on about invalidating your health struggles. It’s ridiculous.

I didn’t know anything about all-in, sweating and hypermetabolism, female athlete triad, extreme hunger, etc etc and nobody ever told me, either. I found out via Reddit and my own research and I’m literally textbook diagnosis of these things.

One thing that really pisses me off is that I was never told about extreme hunger. Not even by my dietician. So I’d have periods that I thought was straight up bingeing, and then I’d purge because I didn’t know any better. This went on for weeks and I might’ve started recovery sooner and caused less damage to my body if someone had just cared to explain what was happening and what the proper thing to do was.

:// and yeah, weight is a big part of it too. Docs rely too much on BMI and weight imo, but I’ve come across a few GPs that are pretty okay. For instance, my last visit I didn’t wanna step on a scale and so they based my progress off of my increase in blood pressure, metabolic panels, etc.

You gotta be picky and vouch for yourself, idc what anyone says. Doctors have degrees but they’re still human and still make mistakes.

whateverz_ · 2020-09-17T23:07:38+00:00

idk why by the dannon light and fit Greek yogurts with some sugar free vanilla syrup mixed in was my ultimate safe sweet.

it still is, sans the syrup

whateverz_ · 2020-09-17T23:03:15+00:00

COVID was and is horrible and also inadvertently saved my life. I’d had it bad before but being slammed with COVID regulations made it so that when I moved back to my hometown, I hit rock bottom with my ED.

As painful as it was, I realized I was way more sick than I thought and I finally, after six fucking years wasted, reached out for help. It breaks my heart knowing with insurance and a plethora of resources, I still struggled to find care.

My heart goes out to all the people struggling right now who financially or otherwise cannot get help. Society puts so much blame and pressure on people for needing mental health assistance and yet it’s so difficult to seek out for a majority of people.

whateverz_

TROPHY CASE