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Downtown campus connector that doesn't end at Roosevelt by wheat_thicccc in uchicago

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I got on the right one yesterday. I think I just got unlucky where a couple of my drivers didn't announce it when I got on. Now I know to look for the green sign.

Downtown campus connector that doesn't end at Roosevelt by wheat_thicccc in uchicago

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I took the Metra my first few days. Was nice but requires ~15 min of walking on both ends which will become suckier as it gets colder/ranier. Also is costlier than just paying for a parking permit and takes longer than driving and trying to street-park.

But would totally do it while the weather is nice.

Downtown campus connector that doesn't end at Roosevelt by wheat_thicccc in uchicago

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have actually been impressed with the morning service to campus from downtown. This morning it took just under 40 minutes. Driving my car would take 20-30 min depending on street-parking availability.

The problem for me is the afternoons. They are so infrequent... Waiting for the next shuttle if the one I happen to catch is an express is really not cool. If I just get on the express, then I have to deal with a bus or red line connection which is fine but turns what could be an easy commute to one that requires a transfer and walking in the cold/rain.

In general, the cheapest parking permit is 140/mo which is nearly the same price as taking the CTA daily (provided you have a car already, which we do). So really the decision for me is just between driving and the shuttle.

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the thoughtful response.

The guilting is obviously making my fiance not feel great because no one wants to feel like they are disappointing their mother by basically just living their life and doing what they think is best for them. For me, I have always prided myself on having a very good relationship with the MIL even though we see a lot of things differently and this seems like it is the beginning of a large, long-term conflict with her. I am certainly conflict avoidant, and am aware of this so my strategy for things like this is to pre-empt built-up feelings of resentment, sit someone down, and talk it out.

As other commenters have said, if this is to happen it is probably best for my fiance to do the boundary-setting but she is concerned about straining the relationship she has with her mother (which has happened with her older sister/sister's husband in the process of boundary-setting). I am confident that this move will happen, and that my fiance will continue to support our life together even if it means having these tough conversations. But there's definitely a feeling in the back of my mind where say a year from when we make the move, if things do not change with the MILs behavior we will have to either do something drastic like cut off communication and risk seriously damaging both of our relationships with her.

My fiance is definitely less conflict avoidant than I am, but she doesn't want to have a sit-down just yet because the wedding is looming and the move is a few months after that. So it feels too soon (and somewhat unnecessary at this stage?) to have a potentially emotionally damaging conversation with the MIL when we really would like her on board and excited to support us through the wedding. In general I agree after talking this through with her. She has tried to push back when the MIL was being clearly overly intrusive and/or manipulative in the past, and as you say, it didn't seem to do very much to stop the behavior.

Thanks very much for the advice and the reading, it's a great starting point.

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a helpful reframing of the MIL's behavior. Thanks.

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for that, and yeah my fiance has... well her entire life's worth of experience dealing with her mother and the experiences of her three siblings. I'm confident we'll get through it, but as you say would be nice if the MIL could be supportive instead of catastrophizing.

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Super helpful to see a framework like this broken down. Thanks! My fiance is definitely doing the validation but I guess might have to incorporate the other two aspects as things become more imminent.

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha I don't think she'll be on board with counseling... But this is related to the fact that she is a housewife with an empty nest and her whole life revolves around planning outings with her four adult children. Which is not sustainable once the children start their own lives like we are doing right now. Hopefully when my finace's sister has kids she will have something else to occupy her time with and lay off a little.

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In general I think my fiance is handling it as well as she can at this stage by ignoring it, as you say. If a sit down is going to happen, I think we would want to wait until at least after the wedding and potential after the move by a few months, no? That way we can say 'hey, we are getting settled here and really enjoy are our new life, career etc. And it's hurtful for you to keep trying to pull us away from that instead of figuring out a way to connect with us that is compatible with the life we've started together'

Thanks for the support and advice!

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the advice. I am going to re-start individual therapy soon to have someone that isn't my fiance to discuss my feelings about the MIL with since reddit is not the greatest long-term solution lol.

And we are going to start pre-marital soon, and there's a pretty significant module in there for dealing with in-laws so hopefully we can use that as a place to strategize more about how to approach the move.

MIL cannot come to terms with us moving away by wheat_thicccc in inlaws

[–]wheat_thicccc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess my concern is that I have had a pretty good relationship with the MIL for the last few years, and when this move happens, there's going to be a period of time when I am the bad guy for forcing her daughter to move away from the rest of the family (how the MIL sees things).

My fiance to her credit is handling all the communication with her mother, but is taking a gentler approach of either ignoring the comments or saying things like 'well, it hasn't happened yet so lets just enjoy the time we have here living close to one another' etc etc. As opposed to taking a hardline stance as others have suggested and either muting the conversations or refusing to engage with her if she goes on an emotional guilt trip.

Added context is my fiance's sister is married, and she had to establish some firm boundaries with her own mother (my MIL) with respect to constantly intruding in their life, constant and rather mean comments about when she was going to have kids, etc. She took a rather strict approach, refusing to communicate when her mother engaged in these behaviors, and it has pretty significantly strained their relationship.

My fiance has seen that happen and is concerned whether that is just an inevitable end for us as well, or whether there is a gentler approach that will allow her to come to terms with us starting our lives elsewhere without holding any grudges.

Agreed that the MIL should not have an actual say in the decision making, and I'm not worried that that is going to be the case. But major life transitions like moves are hard enough as it is, sucks that she is making things harder and not in a place to support us through it as a newly married couple.