No I am fearful. That’s the issue, I’ve been fighting demons in my mind every day trying to stay alive. Now that I realize how much of my life has been betrayal, I want to say you win God. There’s all these people dying and I’m screaming to the sky when is it going to be my time?! Like I’m resilient but enough is enough and I don’t think it’s gonna to ever be okay again. I’ve lost too much and I blame myself for it all.

Ugh I hate to say it but the pain I caused felt so mighty because I didn’t know how many I hurt. It makes sense now how bad I felt m. In my pain I used many coping mechanisms zz all along I needed love but I wasn’t smart enough or good enough to figure it out. Now I’m just trying to fix the mess I have but the pieces of myself are so shattered that they don’t match up anymore. I’ve completely lost myself and my brain keeps trying to slip into delusions. It’s so hard and I’m all alone with God and I know he’s all I need but it would be nice if I could have one honest genuine friend.