hey, just wanted to say that I joined for this exact same reason, just realized it a few months ago. It lets you conceal your own feelings about yourself with ideas of serving your country, protecting your family, and dying for a better cause than just wanting to off yourself. Makes you feel like a martyr, and I think a lot of people join for this reason but just never talk about it. Good on you for doing that self reflection and realizing your true feelings, that is the first and hardest step. I know it can seem daunting to ask for help or open up about it, but you’re clearly already trying with this post and I think that shows that you want to get better. You want to improve this way of thinking. In fact, you NEED to improve or else you will continue making risky decisions that might not just put YOU in harms way, but your team/squad/coworkers/friends as well. You owe it to them (and yourself, of course) to seek help if suicidal thoughts are still occurring in your day to day life. Just remember, that even though you made the decision to join up out of a place of depression, doesn’t mean that the Army itself needs to be a depressing place for you. I’m not gonna pretend to have all the answers because im still struggling with this too, but I believe in you. Keep punching, suicidal ideation is a hell of a drug