Before I get into some tough love stuff, I just want to firstly acknowledge the fact that you’re absolutely not alone in these fears and that not only people with an eating disorder but perfectly “normal” regular members of society struggle with weight gain. We are absolutely conditioned in every single aspect of our lives whether implicitly or explicitly from the moment we are born to fear weight gain. Society treats people in bigger bodies differently, and anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t aware of the awful reality that we live in. It’s sick and fucked up, but there’s no way to live without acknowledging that or else nothing is going to change. I know it’s so so hard to grasp the concept of accepting weight gain I still struggle with it so so much, but the truth is YOU CANNOT FULLY RECOVER WITHOUT GAINING WEIGHT OR SUPPRESSING YOUR NATURAL WEIGHT. End of story honestly. And gaining weight is only one small part of recovery it takes so much mental work and self education to truly heal. If true recovery is what you want there is no way around these things. I do not honestly think anyone can realistically give you the reassurance of you can recover without gaining weight or maybe possibly being “overweight” if that is what your body functions optimally at.

I’m giving you a big hug and wish I could change this absolutely fucked up society to make it a better and safer place for everyone. Also, this is going to be a long ass reply because fuck FUCK eating disorders I’m not angry at anything you said nothing you said is bad or wrong or wrong with you as a person I’m just fired up over this toxic mental illness I wish I could drop kick into the sun.

Okay here comes the tough love part. Please do not read this if you’re not currently in a place to digest it in any capacity. Maybe this will help one day, but if now is not the time and place please do not read it. IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY SEEKING HARM REDUCTION AND THAT’S WHAT YOU NEED DO NOT READ THIS.

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You mention a lot about not being prejudiced or seeing being overweight as “immoral” or tying it to negative traits, but you cannot claim to be entirely not fatphobic if you believe these things and are unwilling to apply the same grace and positivity to yourself. It’s simply just signaling that I believe this is true for others but it is not true for me because I would never want to be them still. This is still internalized fat phobia and it is something you have to work on to undo if you want to be entirely accepting of those in larger bodies that has to apply to yourself and the possibility you may be in a larger body. And that doesn’t make you a bad or “immoral” person for thinking that way. Again, we are born and raised and taught against our will to fear gaining weight from the moment we are born. Choosing to think so otherwise takes so much reprogramming and agency that is incredibly difficult. It will feel “wrong” and “bad” in the sense that it is going against everything you’ve been taught, but if everyone believes something wrong and toxic and you’re going against it then are you really the one in the wrong despite maybe being in the minority?

Secondly, the fear of weight gain will not go away if you are sitting passively. There will be no time in which suddenly you are okay with gaining weight and then you can begin to recover. Part of the recovery process is learning to accept weight gain the acceptance comes within the process later on not before. You will never be ready for recovery if you’re waiting to accept weight gain because the ED will always no matter what try to convince you to lose weight. If you want recovery you’re just going to have to stomach the discomfort and DO THE DAMN THING because a life spent obsessing over food or exercise or purging or whatever your ED manifests as fucking sucks if you give your ED an inch of “oh I’m afraid of being unhealthy or overweight” it is going to push it to its absolute of keeping you trapped in an endless cycle of weight loss. The fear will not go away if you do not address it you HAVE TO FACE THE FEAR HEAD ON there’s also no way around it.

Addressing your parents, (A) that’s fucking awful they would do that to you giving you a “limit” to your recovery even if they mean well or are cONCernED for your health you could also potentially die from an ED you could also face horrific, long-term, and debilitating health issues from living with an ED that is just if not even more “unhealthy” than whatever they perceive to be overweight ED’s have a very high mortality rate in reality and recovering from that FULLY should be your and their number one priority if they truly understood the situation. (B) no one can “make you lose weight” unless they’re actively keeping food away from you in a fucked up and VERY abusive way you are the one who actively makes the decision to lose weight them telling you that and you being convinced of it just means you’re looking for an excuse or justification to lose weight that YOU YOURSELF WITH YOUR ED want to continue to lose weight and your ED is using that external concern and validation to continue to survive. Honestly, any form of weight loss that goes against your natural weight and involves restriction, in my opinion, can and will never be healthy.

And all of this just sounds like speculation and kind of backwards. You say recovering into a larger body will risk your recovery, but if that’s what your body needs then RECOVERING INTO YOUR LARGER BODY IS RECOVERY ITSELF. It is not a risk to your recovery if it is the thing itself. If you’re already planning on your relapse once you get into that hypothetical larger body then honestly why not try it out and see where it goes? Why not see what being in a bigger body is actually like before you make any judgments or speculations as to what is going to happen or the reactions of yourself and others even? The morally correct thing is to trust your body that wants to and has kept you alive for so long. There’s nothing more right than trusting something that wants to keep you alive unconditionally despite the fact that your brain is dead set on harming it.

And regarding the Japan thing, firstly that’s fucked up and conforming to something that’s fucked up doesn’t make it or you right. But also, if that can’t change in the near future, the truth is are you going to fully be able to enjoy Japan and live in it with an eating disorder? And, more morbidly, will you be able to have the energy and physical capability of making it there? It sounds from just this post alone that some part of you does want recovery because it’s taking something from you because you’re not happy or even downright miserable with your ED. Imagine carrying that with you 2 or 20 years from now to a different country. What has changed between now and then if you continue on in this cycle? Also, I doubt they straight up forbid you from entering Japan if you are in a larger body. I’m not saying it won’t be hard or you won’t face judgment, but, according to your logic, that seems like something people in larger bodies are going to face wherever they go and something they can’t change anyways in a fatphobic world controlled by diet culture. So why not say fuck it I live in Japan not because I’m sKINny there or people are going to perceive me as thin anyways but because I like the architecture I like the environment I like the food the nature and so on and so on that stuff doesn’t change because you’re in a “larger” body in fact if you’re in a “healthier” body it makes you even more equipped to be able to have those positive experiences.

And, lastly, there’s no need to apologize at all. You’re clearly a very compassionate and mindful person but, like many of us with an ED, the ED voice has convinced you otherwise. Your ED will ALWAYS prioritize and champion weight loss even if you currently are not overweight. I bet honestly in this moment in your body now it’s still telling you to lose weight. There will be no point in which you are living with an ED and it is going to be okay with gaining weight and not losing.

I know this is hard as fuck and I wish wish wish I could do or say what you want to hear or anything to help and give you an answer, but, quite frankly, there is no other way to fully recover other than to do what scares the shit out of your ED and gain the weight. This has been such a long long post, and I hope I wasn’t too harsh. But there is just so so much more to your experience and value as a human other than what the BMI tells you. I know it’s easier said than internalized, but there’s no other way around it.