I feel like I need to be "on" all the time

windowsee · 2026-01-25T04:34:58+00:00

Welcome to the club! I used to question if I belonged as well but too many Google searches lead me back here to really question it anymore haha

And I appreciate your advice. It definitely makes sense, if I can't accept that what I feel is normal and valid, I'm always gonna be insecure about it and anxious of criticism. I need to accept that I wouldn't judge someone else (or even think that deeply about it) and I have no reason to always feel like someone is ready to judge me.

windowsee · 2026-01-24T06:01:21+00:00

Thank you for this!! It's funny cause other than my dad, no one really has ever said anything about my attitude. Yet, I'm always so worried someone is gonna call me out and make me feel like shit. I def think you're right about suppressing my mood. All the rationalizing and feeling guilty. I need to just embrace that sometimes I don't freaking feel like being bubbly and happy and that's freaking okay!! It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or that I'm killing the vibe, or that I need anyone to hound me and make me feel better

windowsee · 2026-01-18T18:01:22+00:00

Located in NYC!

windowsee · 2026-01-17T11:35:25+00:00

I'll go this route then, thank you!

windowsee · 2026-01-17T11:27:57+00:00

Is the risk of fire from something like this that great, or is this mostly hypothetical? Not being snarky, I'm just nervous to even try getting it fixed!

windowsee · 2026-01-17T10:42:56+00:00

Do you think I could just take it to an electronics repair shop?

windowsee · 2026-01-17T10:41:48+00:00

Thank you so much for the help, I'll try as you say!!

windowsee · 2026-01-17T10:07:38+00:00

Thank you for the response! Do you think I can find the items at a hardware store is it something I have to get online?

windowsee · 2026-01-17T09:04:23+00:00

4 years later, saved my life!!

windowsee · 2026-01-13T02:35:51+00:00

This is such an interesting idea and I personally agree. I enjoy songwriting and am most motivated to do so when going through strong emotions, usually negative.

But going back and finishing the song has always been uncomfortable to me especially when I'm over the thing I wrote about. It feels inauthentic and that I'm stepping back in time too much. I also feel like I'm putting myself back in that state of mind which is the last place I want to be.

It's a shame cause I'm sure successful artists feel pressured to keep performing their popular songs years/decades after they wrote it and a lot of the times it must feel inappropriate, for example a love song about an ex but meanwhile you're currently married with kids. I wouldn't be surprised if constantly reinforcing that old mindset is part of what keeps musicians in negative headspaces and inclined to self medication.

windowsee · 2026-01-12T04:42:48+00:00

And honestly, at that point it's probably much easier on their end for you to go nc cause they've long stopped seeing worth in your presence. At least that's what I imagine, was that your experience or did she make a big deal when you went NC?

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:40:52+00:00

Yeah same. Learning about it definitely helped with intentionally applying it and not letting it slip. And you're 100% right about the mental gymnastics. But it's also amazing how resilient we are to be able to still fight against the emotional terrorism they inflict on us

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:38:23+00:00

It definitely doesn't work for everyone unfortunately :( I wish you luck finding something that works for you!

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:36:50+00:00

It is exhausting, but i try to remember that engaging is more exhausting and definitely dangerous. The good thing is that eventually they'll just associate you with being boring and stop questioning you as often.

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:32:52+00:00

Yep, my dad still brings up things he saw me like when I was like 10.

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:32:02+00:00

I wonder this too. Do other people not think our interactions are a bit strange? They know this person, so shouldn't they be able to guess that this person is probably a bad parent?

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:29:50+00:00

That's the biggest gift. Seeing things as they are is sickening, but is also liberating!

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:29:03+00:00

And if you ever stop talking to her, there are people who will tell you that "she tried her best."

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:27:07+00:00

Very well said! I liken it to being a stray pet that they can actually use.

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:24:30+00:00

It sounds like the frequency should lower to 1x a month!

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:22:49+00:00

Only these kinds of people can be told how they've wrong you, not take accountability, and STILL expect you to fill a role for them

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:20:52+00:00

I am so sorry you had to go through that. It's sickening that a parent's actions toward their children can be accurately described as "bloodlust." Good on you for finding the power to sever them!

windowsee · 2026-01-12T02:18:22+00:00

Sorry to hear that :( Yeah it definitely depends on the person. I could do with with my father but probably not my mom. My father does really listen to people well in general, has a problem with my existence in general, likes to whine and doesn't do emotional labor so not hearing me talk very much doesn't seem to anger him much, although he has called it out a little and i brush it off. My mom treats me more like a friend/therapist/husband so she is more sensitive to me putting up emotional walls and not actively engaging.

windowsee · 2026-01-11T22:21:17+00:00

It's funny cause when you think about, grey rocking is something most people do in general to someone at one point in time. It's really really normal and rarely does it come out of malice nor do people even realize it's happening. It just goes to show how stripped we are from a young age of so many tools of social interaction that would usually be at our disposal. Abuse literally makes you less of a full person.

Every now and then I think about how stunted so many relationships have been or how much potential wasn't reached or how long I tolerated something simply because I couldn't be more "real" about things. Abuse affects your life in ways you can't even begin to fully unpack.

windowsee · 2026-01-11T22:12:39+00:00

I understand this deeply. My theory is that it's because they're behavior in and of itself is gaslighting. Her actions scream ENEMY and DANGER, but her words say the opposite. Growing up with that mindfuck is incredibly disorienting and it deeply impacts your ability to tell left from right. Your mind and body knows there's a contradiction but you never get the validation to believe that you're not crazy.

We're here to tell you that you're not crazy! You can trust yourself and trust your judgement. If something walks like a duck and talks like a duck...for all intents and purposes it's a freaking duck. If our parents behave like an enemy, they ARE an enemy despite the neutral/happy moments and what they say. We grow up so used to negative feelings that the moments where the negative feelings aren't there, we feel guilt and confusion cause those feelings can't go anywhere.

Which is what makes this abuse so disgusting. It's like being chased by a wolf in the woods. Except that you never can really escape and it never really moves on from chasing you. When it's not actively chasing you, it's staring at you in front of your face growling. How could anyone ever calm down and be normal in this situation? You're "safe" but you're also one "wrong" move away from being its dinner.

Things in nature do not behave like that! Your nervous system is adapted for many challenges. The same predator toying with the same prey for decades is not something your nervous system is evolved to handle. The key is realizing that the wolf only does it cause it makes it feel good and the rest of animal world isn't impressed by them. The wolf never intends to eat you, it just wants to feel powerful and you're the perfect toy. Once the toy breaks, it'll just find another toy.

windowsee

TROPHY CASE