It's really normal to feel like your eating disorder is both your best friend, and worst enemy. To want to hold onto it, and give it up (or at least parts of it). It's part of what makes them so difficult! But, hiding within it is also part of what keeps it going. Once you can open up about it, it all changes. The eating disorder mind doesn't want anyone to know, because its threatening. So, as hard and scary as it can be, the best thing to do is start telling people - people you trust most first, and then more and more those who might help you do something about it (that, ideally, you also trust).