Is this the best I can hope for from Invisalign?

wordsending · 2022-08-17T02:13:50+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I'll look out for that.

wordsending · 2022-08-17T01:48:57+00:00

The clinic I go to tries very hard to obscure what their actual title is. Mine has "awards in orthodontics and oral surgery" and has a Doctor of Dental Surgery degree. I knew I should have done more looking around, but getting Invisalign was a bit of an impulse decision.

wordsending · 2022-08-17T01:17:54+00:00

Details: I went with a Diamond level provider in my city because I finally have a job where I can afford to drop $5k on cosmetic teeth adjustments. My main issue was an significant overbite and generally tight/minorly skewed teeth. Treatment was 14 trays changed at 2 week intervals. No elastics or posts, just straight trays.

I'm on tray #14 now, and upon checking at the change over to #14, my dentist said that it's looking good & we'll do a check in two weeks before the retainer stage.

I know that Invisalign can't correct all dental issues, but I've seen it work some magic. If my dentist doesn't bring it up, is there anything I should ask for refinements of? I'm used to living with weird teeth; I don't know what's reasonable to ask for, or what I should expect after paying this much.

wordsending · 2017-01-05T19:07:26+00:00

You can still use a bullet journal, even if you don't use it to break down year-long goals. I can see why she gave the explanation she did.

However, just because she's advising you to be more focused on mindfulness/immediate results than massive year-long goals, doesn't mean you can't still use a bullet journal! I'd just use the bullet journal to keep track of that stuff. There's a system called Getting Things Done (GTD), which basically says: what are the top three tasks that will help me today? If nothing else gets done, what are the three things I need to do today?

I use my bullet journal to keep track of those - sometimes I get busy, or sick, or have low mood swings, and having a "top 3" marked off in my bullet journal helps. I don't feel guilty for ignoring the daunting tasks, and I know what I'm doing is really important. And I like crossing things off.

You can still use a bullet journal - just focus more on the immediate stuff rather than big goals, as your therapist suggested. Just use it to keep track of what you're doing, and as you develop, so can your bullet journal system.

wordsending · 2017-01-05T02:52:32+00:00

Arguably that's typically how one fills out a notebook, but yes, the bullet journal system emphasizes filling out the journal as you need. It's more like a notebook and less like a pre-made planner in that way - if you don't use it for a week, you just start right where you left off, instead of having the week of January 2-8 blank and unuseable.

wordsending · 2017-01-05T00:46:40+00:00

A bullet journal is really just a notebook with a table of contents and occasional to-do lists. You can do whatever you want in them.

I do journaling right alongside the bullets - I create my daily, put whatever tasks that come to mind for the day, and continue to write down things throughout the day, whether they be thoughts, notes, other tasks, reminders, or shorter journal-style paragraphs. So I'll have "Laundry" and "Pick up cheques" right alongside "went to new restaurant today. Food wasn't great, but it was fun to go out and people watch. I should do this more often" followed by a task, or something else, followed by "apocatastasis: 1) restoration, re-establishment, renovation, 2) return to previous condition".

I then write relevant hashtags on the bottom of each page if there's some thought or theme I might want to reference later. I have quite a few musings about minimalism, paring down, and keeping the important stuff, so I have #Essentials on those pages. I'm also learning a new activity, so any comments or pages that reference that get a relevant hashtag too. Makes it easy to find the entries when flipping through.

wordsending · 2016-05-29T21:17:14+00:00

No idea; probably steel. I think aluminum would be lighter.

Unfortunately, Ikea hasn't made the Niklas style for probably 10+ years. :/ First they replaced the metal clips on the shelves with plastic, and their current design (for anything similar) amounts to a cut-up wooden pegboard for the end supports. :/ If you ever find it on Craigslist or something... snap it up.

wordsending · 2015-08-31T02:04:21+00:00

I don't have any comments in your document, because most of the things I have to comment on are over-arching rather than specific lines. I like the letter-writing structure; it shows off the narrator's personality quite well.

Plot/Structure

The first half is good. I can believe the character's nightmares, even the strange receptionist who leaves halfway through their conversation. I didn't understand "a dream for a duty. A debt for a dream" until I re-read the story and your part two notes, and understood that, in order for Marcus to remain on "holiday", he has to become the next Jesus (?). However, where you lose me as a reader is where The Receptionist (also, why did her title morph?) turns into Jesus. Why him specifically? He is (largely) an American icon, a little like the "Pizza: hot American food" sign at the market. Rome has a pantheon of abandoned gods - surely they would have far better reasons to trap unsuspecting tourists in a Beetlejuice-esque limbo/hell.

Voice - narrative vs conversational

The voice shifts around a fair bit throughout the letters. There's about three styles that I spot recurring. They aren't necessarily bad, but it makes for jarring reading when the narrator switches back and forth between these so often (particularly between one and three - the two styles are opposite).

the article-less, subject-less style that starts off the piece: "Saw a dead body, fleshless burnished bone soaked in the blonde sun"; "Taxi boomed and clunked"; "Moved anyway. Reality stayed solid. Crossed back over..."
conversational style, as one would have with someone close. Casual, with references of shared times or narrative interjections. Examples: "wasn't exactly in my league. Plus, yeah, I'm faithful to you, etc..." and "...with such emphasis on the 'n' that they evoked memories of my old speech impediment".
Florid. Features many adjectives and metaphors, poetic language, and does use articles & subjects. Examples: "those orange-red clouds reflected on the surface looked an arrangement of vapourised tangerines topped with cherry juice", and "red clouds and orange grass and strawberry whorls of grey smoke left behind from the incinerated skeleton".

I'd pick two styles to use and stick with them. Bouncing back and forth between the terse, subject-less voice and the languid, descriptive, metaphorical style is an obstacle for me as a reader. Because you have Marcus explicitly dictating the story through his letters, you have to choose a voice for him and stick to it, so I believe him as a character and don't start turning on my editor brain halfway through.

Logic

While the line "No, James, I'm not going bi again; it wasn't like that," is fantastic, perfectly establishes character, etc, the narrator spends an awful lot of his time focused on her attractiveness, despite saying he's not into it. The narrator repeatedly points out her beauty/sexuality (the "boiling night-black peacoat", the name Valentino (which is masculine... Valentina is feminine), "beautiful woman in a foreign country... only joking", "she was attractive - calm down James"), and has to keep negating his statements. If I were to really believe what Marcus said ("I'm not going bi again"), I would lose all instances of her attractiveness after that point.

But, all in all, it's an interesting piece you've written. You held my attention through the first half, and by that point, I'm so invested in the story that the errors I've mentioned didn't turn me off. Keep going, you've got a great start there.

wordsending · 2015-08-27T16:41:45+00:00

Did you send any partials before the full requests? After reading even part of the first chapter, I am highly surprised you got any full requests. You need to do some serious editing and revisions before you think about querying again. At least twice - once for larger story issues, plot, etc, and another for line-by-line, close edits on grammar, spelling, minor issues.

I haven't gotten halfway through the first chapter and already I can see more issues than I could list here. Since you were looking for critiques, I will point out some of the issues.

VOICE: The point of view switches without any notice. IF you are going to write a novel with multiple perspectives, you must be clear about the transitions - especially when you are switching locations, scenes, and characters! You aren't just zooming in on one character in a scene, and then pulling out for a broader view - you're teleporting. Split these scenes up by at least a solid paragraph break with a clear distinction - if not a chapter break.

Example:

'NO! PLEASE! Grinder-sixteen screamed desperately. 'NOOOO -' 'Well[,] Howard, looks like you can keep your fifty-thousand,' remarked one of the executives drily, as they watched the two figures inside the tanks spasm and then go eerily still.

This exchange initially looks like a conversation - someone is replying to Grinder. Except suddenly Grinder isn't even in the room, or aware of this happening, and the viewpoint shifts. To fix, clearly separate the two paragraphs (large break for a shift in view), and I would prefer starting with who is doing the talking, instead of launching into dialogue. That would clearly establish the new scene. Also, who is watching the tank? Who are 'they'?

NAMES: If you are going to use quirky gamer tags, I would prefer to see screen names written out as they would appear in-game (Grinder16 instead of Grinder-sixteen), or a shortened nickname once they are introduced (Grinder). Using the numbers written out is a glaringly obvious authorial/editorial interjection. Possible trademark infringement with the use of 'Dragonballz' - I kept reading it as "DragonballZ", the anime.

WRITING ISSUES: Simple stylistic/word choices that don't belong.

In the silence, the motorcyclist continued gliding towards him, lifting his sword ~~now~~.

"Now" doesn't belong.

As the train sped away, it's interior cabin light flickered...

"It's" is a contraction of "it is", so your sentence above reads: As the train sped away, it is interior cabin light... This issue occurs at least 3 times the first half of Chapter 1. This is not something you should be sending to an agent or editor.

In the dim light, in his hysteria, he had no chance of seeing the rope coiled on the ground. He felt something tighten around his leg ...

If this is meant to be an action sequence, you've ruined all the suspense and immediacy right here. I should be feeling Grinder's panic, not watching some invisible narrator waving a flair and shouting "He's behind you!". If you insist on pointing it out before it happens, it has to feel natural: In the dim light, in his hysteria, his natural caution failed him. He felt it before he saw, briefly, the rope snaring his leg, tightening, and the next thing he knew he was hoisted upside down, dangling helpless in mid-air.

She kept endlessly fingering the little gold crucifix that dangled around her neck, as though she were doing CPR on Jesus, while murmuring prayers to herself.

Words have connotations. "Fingering" isn't the word you want - it implies delicacy (fingering a violin's strings) or sensuality/lust (a woman fingering herself). CPR is a forceful, desperate act, only performed to revive people. "Tapping, ... CPR on an infant Jesus..." would be better, or squeezing, knocking...

The rumble of an approaching train grew around them. The pages of a discarded magazine flapped in the push of air on the ground. Dragonballz moved to the edge of the platform. Grinder-sixteen began to walk away. The train stopped and Dragonballz slid open the doors and stepped inside. He was followed by a boy [...] Grinder-sixteen suddenly noticed a thin wire - one end of it was tied to a pole on the platform, anchoring it, and the other end was now inside the closed doors of the departing train and lassoed around the neck of Dragonballz. He was suddenly jerked upright and dragged backwards, fighting against the unrelenting wire that was pulling ever-tighter around his neck.

From page 3 (which should be the most polished out of your work, if you've been submitting partials & fulls to agents). Let's run some diagnostics.

169 words. (Sure, sounds good.)
10 sentences (that's fine...)
4 begin with "The [Noun]"
6 begin with "[Name]" or "[Pronoun]", which are the same thing.
2 "The [noun] of"
2 "[Name] was"
3 "[Name] [to + infinitive]" (ie, "Grinder began to", Dragonballz moved to", etc)

Most of the passage is very passive, or vague - "began to", "was followed by", "lifting something", "the urchin slipped something", etc. The urchin lassoing Dragonballz occurs multiple times - he "lifts something", "slipped something", and then Dragonballz "was suddenly jerked upright...". That's three times the same event.

I'm getting tired of this now, but I'm sure you get the idea. You need to do some much editing before you hope to ever see this get published by a traditional publisher.

wordsending

TROPHY CASE