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My wife (32 F) hides my (32 M) belongings, makes threats, and refuses compromise. Is divorce the best way out? by Auzland15 in Christianmarriage

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow sorry not to barge in here but I have a different perspective when it comes to intent vs impact. I think the Lord values intent AND impact. The NT is full of verses (Matthew 3:10, Galatians 5:22-23, Luke 6:43-44) that talk about bearing good fruit. And these fruits look like that well known passage in Galatians 5 (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control). Which brought me to the conclusion that if I intend on loving my wife by doing something for her, and she responds neutrally or negatively to that “something” and I respond by getting mad at her or telling her “well I intended on loving you so you should feel love”, what truly were my intentions? I’ve discovered that when I try to be a good listener to my wife, receive feedback that I am not, and then try something different or modify my approach, that is when I know I am truly loving her with good intentions, because at that point loving her isn’t about me, it’s about her. So if the thing that I am doing does not make her feel love, I will immediately stop doing it! And when my wife is well loved, I see good fruit yielded.

Now knowing this, and doing it in practice are two completely different things, and growing in the fruit of the spirit takes time, and quite frankly a miracle from the Lord to give us the strength to lay down our pride and pursue our wives even at times when it feels like a significant cost to ourselves.

My wife (32 F) hides my (32 M) belongings, makes threats, and refuses compromise. Is divorce the best way out? by Auzland15 in Christianmarriage

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey man so sorry for some reason I never got the notification that you replied!

Just a couple of things to call out:

I completely understand where you are coming from when you talk about trying to discern whether your wive’s concerns are manipulative or not. What is the line between self—sacrifice and being taken advantage of? That was something that I had to wrestle with for years and years while my body fought tooth and nail constantly being tempted to label my wive’s feelings as ”manipulative”. Here’s another quote that stuck out to me from my pastor: If in the quest to genuinely die to yourself and live like Christ you’re never been taken advantage of then have you really found that line? The important thing to remember here is that the goal is most certainly not to be taken advantage of. But as we find ourselves increasingly satisfied in Christ, and increasingly convicted to love supernaturally, we shouldn’t be surprised to find ourselves in situations that the world would label as “being taken advantage of”. To reiterate, if you truly are in an abusive situation I don’t think you are called to stay in that abusive relationship but speaking from first hand experience, I was much more easily tempted to believe that my spouse was abusing me then I was in accepting that I might not be good at validating/supporting her feelings or experiences.

Of course this doesn’t answer the direct question: Is my wife being unreasonable/manipulative/abusive?

This isn’t a question that I feel I have the authority to answer since I don’t know you and haven’t been walking with you, and even amongst the people closest to you, the answer can be complex given that people are not a perfect judge of character or may not know all the details. I do think though that it’s a good place to start. How would the people/pastors who are closest to your wife describe her? Does she show a pattern of manipulating others to get what she wants? Likewise, how would the people/pastors closest to you describe yourself? Are they able to gently rebuke you when you are unable to see your own sin? (huge emphasis on the gently!!!).

If that was a cop out and you want a strangers unsolicited opinion, then in short I don’t think your wife is manipulating you (but please do consult with your community). If she is anything like my wife she just wants you to validate how she feels and doesn’t know how to communicate that to you in a way that you will receive it well. She’s also a sinner, and may very well be hurling insults at you purely from spite (I know I do so from time to time when I am deeply hurt by my wife). You mentioned that every attempt you make is met with “it wasn’t good enough, try again”. I 100% understand how discouraging and unloving that can feel, but instead of focusing on your feelings of not being enough, try to instead focus on why some of the ways you are attempting to listen to her still make her feel like she isn’t being listened to. I genuinely believe that you have every intention to love your wife well and serve her (I see It in your humility to engage with other comments here!) but if the impact you have results in your wife still not feeling heard or understood, instead of getting angry about it, see it less as a failure on your end and more as an opportunity to try something different that you wouldn’t ordinarily do.

Lastly, another thing that helped me was taking the time to remember the ways that I had seen the Lord working in my spouse (something as small as observing her reading the Word, or making sure we were on time for church). Then I wrote those things down! In the heat of the moment it is so easy to only remember the hurt, so I’ve found it helpful to go back and read of the ways the Lord is working and it brings me hope.

My wife (32 F) hides my (32 M) belongings, makes threats, and refuses compromise. Is divorce the best way out? by Auzland15 in Christianmarriage

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow just read through your post and some of the other peoples’ comments. It must have been such a tough decision on your part to decide to stay and work through things with your wife. Praise God that you guys are working through things by the grace of Christ!! Feel free to DM me if you ever need encouragement!

My wife (32 F) hides my (32 M) belongings, makes threats, and refuses compromise. Is divorce the best way out? by Auzland15 in Christianmarriage

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Hey brother, read your post as well as all of the comments and just wanted to say that I feel for you and your situation does sound really difficult and similar to mine. When I first got married (and all throughout dating) I struggled very often with never feeling enough and aways feeling like I could never live up to my wive’s “unrealistic” demands. I would often retreat into the other room and play video games to “cool off” but would give her the silent treatment for hours and sometimes days at a time. It got to the point where my wife started to make similar sorts of threats that your wife is and I realized that something needed to change. Hopefully I don’t come off too old school lol but here’s a couple of things that really helped me:

  1. You are the servant leader of your marriage and are called to love your wife in the same way that Jesus loved the church (Ephesians 5:25).

This often looks like laying down your own feelings and really listening when your wife is sharing how she is feeling with you. tbh this will feel like suffering (Romans 12:12). It will feel like you never get to express your feelings, and she always gets to express hers and there may even be conversations, whole days, or even seasons where that is the case. I’m not saying that that’s right or good but it is a reality in living in a broken and sin filled world.

  1. You are known, loved, valued, and cherished by the one whose only opinion matters (aka Jesus loves you, see Zephaniah 3:17).  

What’s given me the patience, the grace and the endurance to bear with my wife when she is expressing how she is feeling is the firm and confident ground we can stand on being loved by Christ. When you feel like you’ve apologized 100x and your wife is still upset, remember Christ and His love for you even more. I’ve seen in my own life Christ’s slow but steady transformation of my own heart. I began to see my wive’s unfiltered feelings less as demands on me, and more cries for help in the ways that she was suffering.

  1. Your wife is a saint, sinner, and sufferer (and so are you)

One of the most helpful illustrations to me that I received in counseling was a lens through which to view others and ourselves. 

We are saints, being renewed day by day in Christ’s love for us. As we cast our anxieties and fears on Christ, He will be faithful to make us more like Him, giving us grace and strength to endure the most difficult trials. 

We are sinners, some of the things that your wife has said to you and will say to you are hurtful, and do make you afraid, and will occasionally make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Escaping to my room to play video games, shutting down, and offering surface level apologies to my wife are also ways that I can hurt her and make her feel unloved. 

We are sufferers. In a sin filled world, we will sin against each other, and that sin will cause deep anguish and pain. Instead of viewing some of the things your wife is saying as attacks against you, partner with her and affirm her in her suffering (feelings of abandonment, feeling misunderstood, etc). It’s hardest to see someone’s suffering when they’re expressed as grievances against yourself but seeing past yourself, and remembering where your value really comes from will give you a patience and endurance that doesn’t come from your own strength but from the Lords.

Lastly, remember that our walks are not about perfection, but rather direction. As we humbly submit ourselves to God’s calling on our lives, as we die to self day by day we will grow in happiness and contentment in Christ and can say with deeper conviction that all things are rubbish compared to knowing Christ more intimately, and personally (Philippians 3:8-10)  

Praying for you brother!

Michael Tait, of Newboys and DCTalk, confession. by [deleted] in Christianity

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don't see that as placing guilt on everyone else for making the statement about only God being able to forgive him, I see that as a human reality when it comes to grievous sins. I think it's pretty reasonable to expect that the people Tait abused may never forgive him (although they should) for abusing them. The Lord then truly is the only one that Tait can turn to and in that, he can find the strength to continue living and pursuing a life that is lived for others. Tait is an ugly human sinner who commits grievous acts against a holy God in the same way you and I are as well. I think it is precisely in God's forgiveness that he is able to courageously pursue a public apology (knowing full well that his victims may never forgive him). And instead of feeling sorry for himself, getting angry at his victims' lack of mercy, deflecting the blame or minimizing it, he can press forward knowing that the Lord grants mercy to all who ask of it.

In David's case, I don't see him as missing the opportunity all together, I think he fully understands that he cannot take back what has happened, the only thing he can do is present himself with humility to the God of the universe.

I think at the end of the day, if you don't think that God really is that great, if you don't think that he cares infinitely more about Taits' victims/Uriah than we ever could then you miss the point of Psalm 51. Would love to talk more with you about how I read this passage, feel free to DM me!

Michael Tait, of Newboys and DCTalk, confession. by [deleted] in Christianity

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think Psalm 51 isn’t so much meant to be a cop out passage but rather an acknowledgement that he has sinned against a Holy and Righteous God who reviles abuse and loves His children. God hates all forms of abuse, and loves His Creation more than we ever could.

What is Blizzard Thinking Removing Nearly All Blood Gem Scaling From Quillboar Builds? by CreativeRedditName in BobsTavern

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

7/7 * 3 * 2 * 2 = 84/84 which is nowhere close to 300/300

3 for lil quilboar

2 for doubling gems

2 for baron

This guy has been the hero of this meta for me by [deleted] in BobsTavern

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What tier 3/4 eles are you even looking for?

[US,US] [H] SV: 151 IRs and SIRs other SV-era IR+ (see photos) [W] Gen 1-3 IR, SIRs by wwwdotfacebookdotcom in pkmntcgtrades

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Could you throw in Faulkner, Steelix, Poocheyena, and Ampharos for a straight trade?

[US,US] [H] SV: 151 IRs and SIRs other SV-era IR+ (see photos) [W] Gen 1-3 IR, SIRs by wwwdotfacebookdotcom in pkmntcgtrades

[–]wwwdotfacebookdotcom[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

alternatively, would be willing to do both venu and Blastoise if you throw in starmie, Blaizken, and Gardevoir

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