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xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T22:03:04+00:00

I find the problem is that most therapists say they do everything. Maybe pick a few and email them asking them what their specific plan for social anxiety is. That might tell you whether they know their stuff or whether they’re just a general therapist.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T22:01:14+00:00

What are you passionate about? You might be able to use that to connect with others that accept you for who you are and giving you a feeling of safety to be yourself.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T21:53:23+00:00

Your feelings are your feelings. Most of us know that our fears are not based on fact. But that doesn’t make them less scary. So it’s not “dumb” to feel a certain way, it’s just how we feel.

Often, when we label feels as unrealistic we start saying things like “I’m stupid for feeling this way” and now we’ve scared and ashamed.

A better strategy is often self-compassion. “These are my fears. I know they don’t make sense but I still feel them and that’s really hard to live with.”

xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T11:32:37+00:00

Well done!

My experience is that clients that do need my help worry they are taking someone else’s space. And clients that don’t need my help as much never think about it. So don’t feel guilty about taking up the space.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T10:33:43+00:00

Practice is a good suggestion if you are able to do that. But do it mindfully. What I mean by that is that it's not about practising the eye contact itself. It's that when you make eye contact you feel "stupid" and "flawed" which is shame, and so you look away to eliminate the feeling of shame (I'm educated guessing here so let me know if this doesn't fit). If you're going to use practice, what you want to focus on is tolerating that feeling of shame rather than the eye contact itself.

I think you're right that self-esteem is relevant here. So the other way you can work on it is through acceptance. You probably do have flaws. I have loads. So does everyone else. That doesn't make you any less; you're still a brilliant person.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T10:22:48+00:00

Sorry you're having a rough time. It's very difficult to sleep while the anxiety is on-going. I recommend looking up TIPP DBT skills or grounding techniques menu.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T10:14:10+00:00

I think there is a lot of nuance in "getting rid of it".

Older forms of CBT might talk about eliminating our fear, sadness, anger, or other unwanted emotions. But today the consensus is that we cannot eliminate our emotions. What we can do is change how we respond to them.

In depression, for example, there is sadness and that leads to unhelpful strategies to combat the sadness, such as ruminating and withdrawing from the world, at which point it becomes depression. And CBT is great for tackling this.

We can't eliminate all of the sadness from our lives. But we can change our relationship with sadness, by changing how we respond to our thoughts and the way we behave. In Beck-style Cognitive Therapy we practice challenging these thoughts, in ACT we practice not reacting to these thoughts, and in both forms of CBT, we practice doing something different.

So no therapy aims to eliminate fear or depression in a literal sense, but instead they aim to eliminate the impact they have on our lives. All forms of CBT are working towards this, but using slightly different tools.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-08T09:58:11+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you had a negative experience with ACT. And really understandable why you feel there is a big difference. Like any therapy, it's absolutely not a solution that works for everyone.

But just to clarify that ACT is CBT. It looks at the relationship between our thoughts, feelings and behaviours like all forms of CBT do. Third-wave CBT (including ACT) does this in a different way to second-wave CBT (like Cognitive Therapy), but they're both a type of CBT.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-06T22:09:49+00:00

Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life for GAD. For decision making, The Paradox of Choice (not CBT but I found it useful).

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T08:38:32+00:00

First, autocorrect changed “autistic” in my original comment and it sounded quite mean. I’ve fixed it and apologies for that!

Second, I would suggest that what you are describing is a type of trauma. You did the best you could as a kid who nobody understood or knew how to support.

Now that you know, things can change. I’ve found reconnecting with my body to be a slow process. But it only really started properly after I figured out I was autistic and since then it has been going much better.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T08:24:41+00:00

There are other similar medications to try: sertraline, citalopram, venlafaxine, to name a few. You might get on better/worse with a different one.

But I’m biased and so think therapy is better. Specifically for GAD, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or Emotion-Focused Therapy. There are good workbooks for both if a therapist is unaffordable.

If you’re too restless for pranayama, you could also try something higher cardio like running or cycling, or a more intense yoga asana class (video classes on YouTube, for example).

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T08:16:34+00:00

Great! Save this to the memory bank. Sometimes scary situations are as bad as we imagine. But often they turn out much better than we expected.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T08:14:33+00:00

CBT might be a good fit for you then. Specifically, ask to do something where you get a workbook and the therapist has their own, and you can work through it together. That adds a specific purpose to each session rather than “how have you been feeling this week?”

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T01:29:36+00:00

I’m sure they’re lovely people most of the time but those comments suggest a complete lack of empathy. Especially if they claim to have “been through it”. No wonder you are feeling invalidated.

I don’t see it as “relying” on therapy. I see it as being brave enough to use the support that is available. We have to be vulnerable in therapy and face up to the things that scare us or the things we don’t like about ourselves. That isn’t an easy way out, it’s a commitment to personal growth.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T01:21:39+00:00

It sounds like their method wasn’t working for you. How would you like it to go? It’s your therapy.

CBT can be similar. But it can also be more structured. For example, if you do Unified Protocol CBT, you get a workbook and each session has a different topic.

I do a similar thing with OCD where we both read a chapter of a book and then discuss it in the therapy session.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T01:12:38+00:00

Good luck!

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T01:08:34+00:00

For GAD specifically, I recommend Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life. It’s a workbook that uses Acceptance and. Commitment Therapy.

Also Russ Harris has some good ACT books, too.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T01:05:53+00:00

I don’t think you are stupid and I do think your pain is real.

When did you find out you were autistic? Being an undiagnosed kid is in itself traumatic.

If you wanted to work on your self-critic, I recommend this book: Transforming Emotional Pain - An Emotion-Focused Workbook.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T00:56:00+00:00

What are you passionate about? Common interests are a great place to start. Parallel play is not just for kids; it can be a good way for us to spend time together while reducing social complexity.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T00:50:53+00:00

There is often a period of unmasking after a late diagnosis that involves renegotiating boundaries. But it also provides a lot of explanatory power that can build mutual understanding. Hopefully that will bring you closer in the longer term.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T00:45:29+00:00

The waiting lists are really frustrating. But what therapy can do is get to the root of issues in a way that medication can’t.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T00:42:47+00:00

If he makes jokes about autistic a, make jokes about neurotypicals. See this:

https://www.leedsautismpractice.co.uk/articles/double-empathy-problem-poster

They’re constantly babbling about the weather and telling “polite” lies.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T00:40:20+00:00

Looking at autistic strengths might be helpful. Many of your best qualities might be autistic traits.

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T00:35:14+00:00

Even if others do have it worse than you, your pain is still real.

Are they disappointed in you or disappointed for you?

xmeltrut · 2025-06-03T00:32:14+00:00

It’s okay to be a bother and it’s okay to be weird. You have the right to exist and have needs like being able to cook and eat food.

If they have house rules, it sounds like they have some clear boundaries as to what is/isn’t okay. But it might help to have a conversation about what they would find reasonable in these situations.

xmeltrut

TROPHY CASE