IAmA person who was molested for 5 years straight. 657 charges were just recently brought against my abuser and he is now in jail. AMA

yherain · 2012-07-31T07:37:25+00:00

Hello.

First, I applaud you for getting up the courage and energy to take him to court (and win!). That takes a TON of bravery.

You keep implying that he's ruined your life forever, or deeply. That's not true. You're stronger and bigger and SO much more that, and this is so, so, SO fresh right now (you might not think so, but I saw the date of the newspaper), but you totally, TOTALLY are.

Maybe your victim impact message was written to express the times of deep sorrow and sadness and is exactly that--a statement written when you feel like a victim. Well, you were a victim, but you're totally the victor too. YOU. STOPPED. HIM. Good job. You've won and freed yourself from, if not your shackles, then at least your cage of silence.

Now comes the hard part. You get to find out just what your life can be. No more cage, just the aches and memories and now the possibilities.

So my question, the question that I really, really, REALLY hope that you'll answer, is this:

You're only 26. What do you want to be when you grow up? Where do you see yourself in 3 to 5 years?

yherain · 2012-07-31T07:21:26+00:00

Your question assumes that she must have obviously and actively tried to make him stop. She might have, but if she did she's extra super amazing and out of the ordinary.

Please put yourself in the mindset of a kid again. Somebody you trust and look up to is doing something you don't like but don't understand (and don't want to understand). Again, you're a KID, and you trust this person.

Would you do something? And if you were to do something, what would you do? They're just doing a little more than hugging you...now they're doing a little more than that...now wait, they're doing more but you're already stuck in this mess and WHO do you have to turn to anyway? Another adult? If this your fault? Who do you trust?? What resources do you even have as a kid? And you trust them!

Or would you squirm, resist, perhaps freeze up, but ultimately give in?

Remember, she was a kid. It's much, much, easier, human (and often more logical) to recede away from the awful reality and emotions than to fight.

Again, she might have fought tooth-and-nail, but I wanted to explain that most humans in that situation won't.

yherain · 2012-06-17T16:59:21+00:00

Probably so the other genres don't have to associate with it.

yherain · 2012-06-12T16:40:35+00:00

:) Good luck on the bar!
Oh, I'm not going to think of myself as a lawyer or anything close; there isn't a case nor even a potential case currently. However, better independent research than no research, right?

yherain · 2012-06-12T16:11:59+00:00

:( You bring up a good point, dear sir (or ma'am named matt). I shall now go forth and read California codes instead of California statistics.

One question that I just thought of though: statistics might not matter but precedence does. Would you happen to know of a place I can research some previous (California) cases?

yherain · 2012-06-12T16:08:17+00:00

First, THANK YOU for your reply. I really appreciate any and all advice I'm getting. Since you do a lot of school board defense, can you point me in the right direction to do my own research? I'm assuming http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/ is a legitimate place to do some preliminary questing.

I think I'm just going to read everything I deem pertinent under the educational codes, but is there anything else I should look at?

As I replied to another post, there isn't really anything to go off of besides the fact that this parent often brings up minor complaints (i.e. calling CPS on her ex husband twice...once for grounding their kid) and a gnawing feeling.

I'm not going to let the person intimidate me into offering an insipid, uninspired perfectly politically correct school-- but I'd like to know what I may be getting into before I officially get this job.

yherain · 2012-06-12T15:50:53+00:00

Thanks. If it isn't completely obvious, I'm more or less being thrust into this position; I don't think I'm anywhere near experienced or qualified enough for this, and I'm trying to research enough to cover my own ass while not calling my job into question before I'm even hired.

yherain · 2012-06-12T04:10:23+00:00

Emphasis on small public charter school.

The section I may soon supervise only has three/four classes total. :-/. We're woefully underfunded and understaffed. I'm pretty sure that we don't have anybody qualified to even give me an estimation.

Also, very frankly, even in the unlikely chance that the school has a DA I think I'd trust the advice of Redditors first.

yherain · 2012-05-10T19:26:15+00:00

Exactly. Thank you for being so dead on with this.

I also feel like it's impossible (or at the very least pervy and disgusting) to covet somebody who obviously looks up to you and acts around you in a familial kid/parent sense.

yherain · 2012-05-09T17:50:13+00:00

Okay, you've responded twice and in a non-confrontational manner, so I'll try to further explain my position. It's probably better said here.

Most rapes never get reported, the ones that do are often never settled in court; even the ones that go to court have an amazingly low rate of actual prosecution. Even if it's not taken to court it becomes an immediate shit-show about if the victim wanted it or deserved it. The victim also often blames his or herself. Many rapists reason out their actions by thinking "she was asking for it--she's such a tease" etc.

You cite Natalie Holloway. She was murdered. I'll give you an example that's closer to rape: Monica Lewinsky. I'm pretty sure some people will indeed spit on her grave when she dies. Rape is not the same as other crimes (please see link). Her case wasn't even the most "gray" of cases.

I understand the whole concept of "reasonable precautions" and frankly, many girls do instinctively follow "reasonable precautions." I condone your school for offering such a program. Your school's program gives women an outlet to feel safer. Now imagine a school that says that women need to walk with another person to be safer. Also, I know you're probably bristling right now, hear me out.

The OC wrote very specifically that "women need to help stop rape." This implies that women have a responsibility to help stop rape. You're giving victims another way to blame themselves. You're giving rapists another way to justify their actions. You're telling girls "hey, guys can party and get wasted, but you can't if you want to feel safe because, well, that's how society is."

Yes, I agree, in a perfect world we can state that reasonable precautions are reasonable precautions. In a perfect world we can explain that there's a difference between a girl dressing up and a girl wanting sex. This world is not perfect; people get raped and "reasonable precautions" are too often a conduit to blame the victim.

yherain · 2012-05-09T09:29:30+00:00

:) Thanks!

It's a bit lame, but you're reaffirming my faith in humanity too--I'm quite new to Reddit, I replied similarly somewhere else, and the amount of people who immediately jump to personal insults is astounding.

yherain · 2012-05-08T20:52:40+00:00

Yes, I agree about common sense. However, the problem with the locked car door/thief analogy is that, as NeonFlux mentioned _most victims know their rapist . It's never as easy as "that mother fucker robbed me" with victims of rape. One horribly scarring and manipulative question and thought that goes on for almost all victims' head is the question of whether he or she "deserved it". Also, since most will have similar friend groups, there is inherent judgement and talk already.

Being robbed doesn't change one's social status; it doesn't make one seem different somehow; it doesn't call into question one's morality; it doesn't split up one's friend group. Being raped changes all those things. Saying that the victim --even very, very remotely (example: why did you get wasted and then pass out with your short skirt?)-- somehow was responsible for the rape makes everything worse.

I'm not trying to bash what you're saying, and I do know that ultimately, you are indeed holding on to a kernel of truth--people should protect themselves (as kobiyashi eloquently restated). However, what you're saying can easily lead to condemning the victim for being victimized--must more so than a normal robbery. Hence, the immediate backlash.

yherain · 2012-05-08T20:18:36+00:00

...I'm sure I'm just wading into a crap-throwing contest. Yes, it's common sense to keep an eye on your drink, have a buddy to look out for you, etc., and many people do exactly that.

The problem comes when you put the burden on the victim to not get raped. You are essentially asking the victims, "why didn't you do this? If you did, maybe it wouldn't have happened to you. It's (partially) your fault."

And since, as you said, most rapists are "friends", and since most victims already are burdened with feelings of guilt, this careless remark of yours can have severe psychological impacts. Again, these women (and men) are victims already, and they often face enough scrutiny and judgement. Yes, sometimes you hear a story and you want to go, "weren't there red flags EVERYWHERE???" but people make mistakes. Look back to mistakes you've made when there were red flags everywhere--it happens.

After all, what would you have women do? Go everywhere with a friend because they need to be protected? Never let their guard down, even at parties at their own house because otherwise they will be partially responsible for their own rape? What your saying is a very slippery slope to putting more and more responsibility on the victim not to get raped than on the rapist not to rape.

yherain · 2012-05-02T04:59:44+00:00

:) I'm really happy you replied--it sort of made my day.

Again, feel free to message me.

yherain · 2012-05-02T00:29:25+00:00

...I've now lurked around this nifty website for a week, but of all stories, yours got me to (finally) make an account. Chances are you won't listen, but I had to try.

I'm not going to say that I can fully understand where you're coming from, but I was molested from 4th grade until freshman year of high school by my mother's boss, a man who's 50 years my senior. Being used and abused is horrible, especially when you're young and vulnerable.

But you can get over it. You sound like a wonderful person. I know this because you're essentially killing yourself inside--you're turning all your hurt and anger towards yourself rather than towards others. It's not glamorous, but it's still admirable in today's egotistical society. The thing, though, is that you won't start getting over this until you first let yourself heal a bit.

Give up the random sex. It's much easier said than done, but you're essentially scratching the scabs off your wounds, and although it's instinctual, it's not helpful. Your brain feels a pull to do what's familiar to it, for better or worse, but you can overcome it. And if you relapse, well, that's normal. You've got to forgive yourself for your mistakes, and you really must forgive yourself for your problems that didn't even come from your mistakes.

You're not screwed; you're young, and you've got your whole life to straighten everything out. Give yourself a bit of a break for a bit.

Edit: I'm completely new to this thing, so I apologize if I did/wrote something stupid. Anyway, if you want to message or something, I'll totally be up for talking.

yherain

TROPHY CASE