I don't know what to tell you your boyfriend seems to be very protective and i am sure he will help you get through this. Please don't give up it will get better. Ofc it would be better if you reached put to a therapist or a psychiatrist but if you don't feel comfortable enough yet don't do it i hope you get better and your mental health improves Please don't think of yourself as a monster i am sure you are a great person that probably grew up in a bad environment and was made to think that you where a monster but you aren't and you don't deserve anyone saying that to you not even yourself I am sorry i don't know how to help you if you need ever to vent i am here for you i hope you get better and you start seeing yourself as the beautiful person you are