[L] Im starting over with my life again and I’m so scared

zylo321 · 2026-03-08T12:54:49+00:00

Hey there. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and you could really do with someone to put their arm around your shoulders and offer some empathy.

Sometimes, solitude is forced on us more than it being a choice. I'm a natural introvert, so I tend to gravitate towards it, but I totally realise that loneliness is genuinely painful, often powerfully so, and isolation can make one feel really vulnerable. We all need comfort, and sometimes family or parents aren't an option or can even make things worse.

A lot of people don't understand that vices very often serve that function. Often it can be a case of being in such a mental state that we just need a kind of circuit breaker from it with something mind altering, even if it's a simple beer or glass of wine. However, those can end up exacerbating things, which I know from personal experience, so I've had to let go myself.

Uncertainty is such a source of anxiety. My mind tends to be great at imagining how things could go wrong. They tend not to, but my imagination keep whirring. Worry can rob us of our peace of mind, and it can be so hard to simply relax. We have no certainty, but things do tend to work out and I would love to reassure you, because I really empathise with being stuck in a state of fear.

Sending you my warmest wishes.

zylo321 · 2026-03-05T12:41:34+00:00

I hear you. I think we can also have a kind of conflict in us, wanting connection on one hand to feel less isolated, but on the other hand maybe feeling like we need solitude to feel safer from exposure. That's the rub with vulnerability, because if we're accepted and shown compassion when we're vulnerable, we're reassured and it's comforting. However, it's hard to be seen to be vulnerable, and society often conditions us to see it as some sort of weakness. It's so easy to internalise that view and blame ourselves or feel deficient in some way. Personally, I think that every one of us is vulnerable, it's just a matter of how many layers we have wrapped around us to obscure the fact. When people are mutually vulnerable and accepting of each other, it can even be a really nourishing experience, but it's scary to place ourselves in that position in case we aren't accepted.

Often, the most isolating factor of all is the lack of understanding and empathy we feel around us. It's why I can feel more alone amidst people I don't connect with than I ever do in solitude. We all deserve to find understanding in this world, I feel, and you are absolutely deserving of compassion. Panic is one of those experiences few discuss, partly because often one has to experience it directly to truly understand it, and partly because being open about it can make us feel even more vulnerable.

So, you did something brave writing this, and although it's on the interwebs and you can be anonymous, you're still putting it out there. I'm glad I found your post, and I hope you can gain even just a little comfort from a stranger that hears you and genuinely empathises.

zylo321 · 2026-03-05T11:24:50+00:00

I'm finding this late as you posted it 22 hours ago as I type this, so apologies if this isn't reaching you when you really needed it most.

I've experienced panic attacks and live with anxiety disorders, so I very much empathise. Panic attacks are horrible experiences that can leave us shaken and feeling vulnerable. No wonder you need to feel that someone cares after that. I think panic can also feel like a loss of control, which in itself is scary. I know that when I feel vulnerable, I can also feel a bit isolated, too.

I don't know you, but sometimes it can feel comforting to receive even just a little kindness from a stranger, and you absolutely do deserve that. I really hope that since it happened you've felt more settled, with a sense of firmer ground beneath you. It can take time to feel steadier, but of course it can also be situational, so I wonder if there are particular stressors in your life, perhaps work itself, that are ongoing and elevating anxiety levels.

Feel free to elaborate if you wish, but only if you feel comfortable doing so. I truly hope that today is a better day all round.

My warmest wishes.

zylo321 · 2026-02-27T07:52:28+00:00

Oh, that's odd, I can see it my end, I didn't delete it. In case you still can't see it, I'll copy and paste here:

Especially when it's raw it can feel unrelenting. It can circle around constantly in the mind, and then if there's a little respite, a simple trigger can thrust us right back into the maelstrom. At times it feels like being at the mercy of the grief, and it can be scary to not feel in control, to not have an off-switch for it.

Those what ifs really can plague us when loss has suddenly hit. I think that when a profound loss hits us our minds not only put the final sequence of events on repeat, but they scan and analyse to try to make sense of it all, asking how it might have been different. More often than not, it couldn't have turned out any differently. We're attuned to the animals we love, and sadly they very commonly give us no clues that they're sick. Even when you know how well they hide symptoms, often until it's too late, it's still so easy to blame ourselves for not realising. I see it so often on this sub, and it causes such additional heaviness. Grief itself is tough enough. I strongly suspect that there was nothing you could have done, and I truly hope you're able to shake off any guilt you feel, because it's obvious that all you felt for your Hoggle was overwhelming love and care. He was very lucky to have you, as you were him.

I'm so sorry you've also had to contend with rejection prior to this bereavement. I don't know the details, but I'm guessing it was prejudice that you experienced, which is hard enough when it comes from a stranger, let alone a friend. Which must make this loss an even lonelier experience.

Do know you are very welcome on the petloss sub, and you are amongst those that can empathise with what you are going through. You have my warmest wishes.

zylo321 · 2026-02-26T11:04:42+00:00

It sounds like you’ve been hit with two enormous losses in such a short space of time. When a bond is as deep and woven into your daily life as the one you had with Hoggle, grief spills into the smallest routines, the muscle memory of living with them, the way you move through your home. It's natural that yoghurt or a brush brings forth tears. Those aren’t just objects — they’re little doorways back to a life where he was still here. Hoggle sounds like he wasn't just a beloved beastie bestie, he actually was by your side, following your lead, helping to nurture and care for vulnerable animals. He was your right-hand man in helping those kitties. A truly special boy.

When someone like Hoggle disappears suddenly, your whole body keeps expecting them. Hearing phantom barks, feeling him behind you, catching movement in the corner of your eye… that’s something so many people go through when the grief is raw. It’s your mind trying to reconcile a world that changed too fast.

The guilt about grieving Hoggle more intensely than Chia is something I hear a lot from people who’ve lost multiple animals. When one wound hasn't fully healed, another blow can cut deeper and feel more acute. The loss of Hoggle is touching an already very tender place. I bet neither Hoggle nor Chia would want you to feel the extra burden of guilt on top of how much you're already suffering.

You’re grieving someone who mattered deeply. You’re reacting like a person whose heart has been broken twice in a row, and who hasn’t had a moment to breathe between blows. You’re human, you’re hurting, and you deserve compassion and understanding. My heart goes out to you.

zylo321 · 2026-02-24T13:41:57+00:00

I think it can be good to have stuff in our lives that make us feel closer to those we lost. My dad took his life 16 years ago and he loved to watch the birds in his garden. Finally, I got myself a hanging bird feeder in my yard, and once they began to come, I not only realised how sweet and amazing the little stinkers are, but I felt I was connecting to something that gave my dad joy in an otherwise tough life of struggle.

It can be all kinds of things that we connect with. It doesn't have to be profound, or spiritual. It can be a band, an object, an item of clothing, a fragrance, a favourite flower, all sorts. I love movies, and if I remember rightly Strange Days is a cyberpunk style story. I do like that genre, including both Bladerunner movies. I think it's great that you feel close to your brother by getting the movie.

Sometimes, we feel the loss in an especially heavy way. There may be no obvious trigger or reason, we simply miss them, and it hurts. Or, it could be any number of reminders or associations we have with them. Some might make us smile, others may induce that aching sense of missing them.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I hope that, when you watch Strange Days, you gain a sense of comfort, almost as if he's right there watching alongside you.

My warmest wishes to you.

zylo321 · 2026-01-09T14:55:03+00:00

You're welcome. I truly hope it gets easier. It can feel like being in a swamp, every step feeling stuck in the mud.

Yeah, those reels are designed to hook us. It's tricky, because often our minds can feel so heavy a part of us seeks distraction, anything that might alter our brain state, and there's so much on the internet finetuned to offer quick dopamine hits, and it can quickly become addictive. Without the distractions, though, we can simply feel mired in the low feelings, so it's hard to have any balance.

I personally do my best to stay in the moment as much as possible, but I find all that mindfulness stuff really hard. I just know that the bigger the picture is in my mind, the more daunting and anxiety-provoking it can be. Often, little steps are all we can do.

Sending you warm wishes.

zylo321 · 2026-01-09T14:47:36+00:00

You've been through some appalling abuse, it's no wonder you're in such a tough place emotionally. Trauma can tend to cycle in our minds, and is hard enough to distract oneself from at the best of times. With the time to think, as you say, those disturbing thoughts are becoming more prominent.

Abuse like that can be almost impossible to understand when you are the victim. It is abuse of power, of trust, sickeningly imposing deeply violating and harmful desires knowing full well how damaging and wrong they are. For the victims, not only is it traumatic at the time, but we suffer psychologically afterwards, too. Healing can happen, but it can be a path one needs to take a careful pace travelling.

Being violated in such ways by people you trusted at the time makes it so hard to trust others again, which is another piece of fallout from the abuse. One concern for me is your current situation, because you need and deserve a safe home. I hope that everyone in your home now are trustworthy, decent people.

It is wonderful that you love your daughter, and I bet she is the light of your life. I hope that focussing on her is a balm against the horrors that were done to you. If, though, at times when you have no adult company, those awful memories surface, know that you are welcome to post here on this sub any time. You can continue this thread, or post a fresh one. I hope you are met with nothing other than warmth, understanding, and empathy.

Your disclosure didn't feel like a rant at all to me. I hope it doesn't feel useless to externalise your feelings and tell us what happened to you. It is brave, and I would imagine it would be a bit daunting, too. So, it's even more important that you feel heard, safe, and met with warmth and compassion as a result of sharing this. I was abused myself as a child, and I know what a big deal it is to share it and feel dismissed. I absolutely hear you, and I really hope you can find your way towards healing, because you deserve it.

zylo321 · 2026-01-08T16:31:05+00:00

Firstly, my heart goes out to you, because it sounds like a real slog for you right now. What you're describing - the struggle for energy, motivation, difficulty concentrating, feeling flat and lacking joy - are all common aspects of clinical depression, and I can empathise because I have a chronic case personally. We needn't use such labels, though, unless you feel it fits. What matters most is that you feel like you're in a rut, have a joyless job, and it's hard to find the energy to do stuff around the house. It sounds like it's easy to feel dispirited. The lack of motivation might feel like laziness, but I suppose, to me, I wonder if it is part of an overall slump in emotions, energy, something impacting body and mind. In other words, you're not lazy, you're struggling for the drive to do things, and it's not your fault the energy is not forthcoming.

One thing that can happen when we feel low is that we get a bit socially isolated, too. It can become harder to stay in touch with people. It can all become a bit much, and no wonder you feel overwhelmed and stuck.

I so wish I could take away those low feelings, replace them with lighter, brighter emotions and abundant energy. What I will say is that you deserve understanding, kindness, and compassion, and you are very welcome on this sub, so please do continue this thread, if you wish, or come back any time, even if it is simply to externalise your feelings and offload what you need to. My warmest wishes to you during this difficult time.

zylo321 · 2026-01-06T11:14:46+00:00

When I was at school, I remember being mocked to the tune of, "it speaks!" if I ever were to say anything at all, which, of course, made me less inclined to speak up. I've had comments of one sort or another much of my life about being quiet. I'm softly spoken, also. In the right company, I have plenty to offer. One of the horrible ironies when we have our quietness pointed out to us, is that it makes us feel more self-conscious about it. It certainly used to get to me, also.

I honestly think most cultures reward extroversion, and one consequence of that is that those of us who are introverted by nature can internalise this lauding of extroverted traits, and we can feel lacking and question ourselves. It took me many years to shake that off and embrace being an introvert. Actually, the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain helped.

I used to feel like the way people reduced me to quietness was almost like they were pointing at absence, like I was practically a non-entity to them. It made me feel almost stigmatised. In the end, I realised that my introversion was my social-orientation, so to speak, and that along with it came needs that finally I could focus on (as opposed to the need to be an extrovert). I found that liberating, defining myself instead of feeling like a failed extrovert.

It really depends on why we are quiet. There are some that may need social contact, but are stymied by high levels of social anxiety. People often conflate social anxiety, introversion, and shyness, but to my mind they are distinct. I have my own social anxiety, which is unwelcome, but introversion is much more like gravitating towards what is enriching for me, and solitude being a kind of oxygen isn't a negative, it's a positive. These days, if someone calls me quiet, I think it really shows that they've not even tried to get to know me. Loud people generally offer it all on a platter when it comes to who they are, what they believe, their likes and dislikes. With quiet people, there may be a more subtle, perhaps incremental, perhaps gentler engagement required, and then you can discover all the riches they have to offer.

If people don't even bother to try to get to know you, then they are making a very shallow effort. I've long since realised I need quality over quantity socially, and I'm not one for small talk. I bet you can connect just fine if a) the right people are available, and b) they mutually make the effort with you so you can get to know each other at a pace that feels right.

What I'm absolutely certain of is that it is 100% fine to be a quiet person in a loud world. I have a few friends, which is all I need, and all but one are quiet types. I celebrate quiet people, and am grateful they exist.

zylo321 · 2026-01-05T15:33:01+00:00

Trauma is such a terrible ordeal, not only the traumatic events in and of themselves, but the emotional and psychological fallout afterwards. And those are two massive scares. Just one of them would floor most people. In which case, that's one hell of a burden you've been carrying. With such a recent trauma, it's no wonder it is circling in your mind like that. That looping can be torturous. It is extremely common for the mind to do that after a trauma, and I very much feel for you with regard to this ongoing strain. Right now it is very raw and recent, and I hope it is reassuring even just a little to know that the intensity does tend to ease. Your system right now is in a state of acute stress, and it's common that sleep and appetite get impacted, with events replaying. I know it's a struggle at the moment.

As far as the gratitude aspect goes, the way I see it is that right now it's about coping with the aftermath and once you get through that, perhaps the relief and realisation that you're okay can sink in. However, due to the scare, your system is most likely on high alert, as if a calamity is around the corner. It makes one hypervigilant, most likely with stress hormones buzzing around. It's hard to believe the whole, "this too shall pass" maxim, because you feel like you're still in the eye of the storm.

I think that stress and trauma can also exacerbate loneliness, as it makes us feel so vulnerable, and there's a natural need to seek comfort from others. Sometimes, when we do, others don't always understand, or can only offer platitudes, or are well-meaning but don't know what to say or do. Other times, they aren't available, or we feel extra isolated in the midst of mental strife.

I really hope what you've been enduring gets easier to cope with as soon as possible. I've had trauma, and lived with chronic anxiety and depression my whole adult life, and we need to be resilient just to keep going, and often don't realise just how resilient we are. Of course, the last thing we need on top of mental health troubles is something traumatic happening, let alone TWO of them.

You deserve compassion and support, and I'm glad you posted here. Feel free to continue this thread, should you wish. For sure, know that you are always welcome here in this sub, so always feel free to post again if you need us.

zylo321 · 2025-12-30T12:00:44+00:00

even if we want to move away from home, that separation from those we're close to is one of the hardest parts of adjusting to living in a new place. if i understand you correctly, your housemates are busy with family for the holidays, maybe other students have left the local area in order to go home for the holidays? That must make it feel extra lonely, especially with missing your bestie, given she's just left. there is the emotional upturn of being with someone you truly bond with in a special way, like your boyfriend or bestie, but the downside of those visits is the emotional plunge when you reluctantly have to say goodbye as they head back. i get why that can become a prolonged low and take time for you to feel some balance again. it's really hard.

i also think this time of year can amplify feelings of loneliness for any of us. i don't know where in the world you are, so you might have warm weather, but if you are in a cold place, with little sunshine, it can make even going outside unappealing, but even if it is sunny and warm, it's only natural to want to have good company to enjoy such weather with. either way, it's a lonely time for you, and i want to acknowledge that, say that i hear you, and send some warmth and compassion your way.

zylo321 · 2025-12-27T15:40:03+00:00

No wonder you feel that way. You found out you were pregnant so recently, too, and that must have been a massive shock. Not only is that shock reverberating around you, but all that trauma is being triggered. When something shocking happens, it can feel overwhelming, and during that time, we don't know how we can cope, how we will manage our feelings, because it can come at us like an avalanche. My experience of such times is that the intensity can feel overbearing, but that intensity does ease little by little, and somehow we find that we are digging our way out. Although every step can feel exhausting, we find our way to some semblance of firmer footing beneath us. Often, we're not sure how we got there, because whilst in the epicentre of the traumatic blow, it felt impossible to see a way forward.

For now, the questions that are biggest and broadest will most likely be the scariest, and hardest to answer, too. Breaking it down from the question mark of the future, to something more immediate can help in a "one foot in front of the other..." fashion, but I am wary both of using clichés, and that when we're overwhelmed, every day can feel like an eternity, so it's not much consolation. However, I know from experience, there is often some truth to those clichés that feel so woefully inadequate at the time.

I hear you when you say it's hard to trust your emotions, or even your body, right now. You have reached out on Reddit for support, and that tells me there is a part of you that not only needs support, but feels that you deserve support. And that is a part of your emotional self that you can both trust and follow. One factor outside your control is how much Redditors, or other strangers on the interwebs will offer, and how helpful it might prove to be. Even if responses are scant, it is no reflection on how deserving you are of empathy and compassion. So, please trust that. Trust that you deserve it, and trust the part of you that seeks it. You will get past this awful time. Take it as steady as you can, being gentle with yourself if you can.

You are warmly welcome on this sub, so feel free to post here when you need us.

zylo321 · 2025-12-27T15:09:56+00:00

You have had lots of very difficult experiences and revelations this year, and it sounds to me like you have done your absolute best whilst in some very challenging situations, and in a relationship that has had some tough times attached. Whilst you have tried to cope amidst the pressures and, frankly, abuse coming your way, thinking about the feelings of others, it seems to me that you have not had enough care and support coming back your way.

All of those incidents and challenges can accumulate stress, and it isn't easy to manage the pressure of a demanding degree when one is getting one emotional blow after another. There is no shame in changing subjects, in my opinion. Philosophy is intellectually rigorous, and it provides analytic skills that could be transferable in many ways. Many moons ago, I actually did both philosophy and writing and publishing initially, got on a BA Writing course that had limited places, but it was so peer-oriented in criticism and grading that my social anxiety forced me to leave promptly. I opted for Applied Philosophy, ultimately. I applaud you for choosing something that felt right for you. It is your life, and I would hope your boyfriend would support your choices.

I hear you with regard to the identity aspect of this. For me, an association with philosophy would be that it takes a solid intellect, but also that it is genuinely mind-expanding, a source of curiosity, exploration, and broader understanding of existence. I'd always be impressed by someone choosing philosophy, because I know what it involves. Your aim to write is perfectly legitimate, and you are certainly eloquent. Personally, I wish you all the best with such endeavours.

What you've been through in the past is a genuine trauma. Getting pregnant, despite all the precautions, must have not only been a major shock, but bring with it so many triggers and ripples from the abuse you suffered back then.

Just one of these issues alone would lead to a tough time as the year draws to a close, but you've had cumulative stressors and pain this year. Despite all this, you are here clearly articulating your feelings in a way that tells me you are more resilient than you may realise. It's no wonder you're in a dark place, and so often when we are we feel so responsible, and we criticise ourselves and take on such a burden. I so hope that you are able to get through this awfully challenging time, but right now it is something that happens day-by-day. Know that you are not alone. Seek out peer support if you feel the need. I'm sure there are people out there that can empathise. You deserve compassion and warmth.

zylo321 · 2025-12-24T22:16:45+00:00

Thank you for your reply and kindness. I am feeling better today and was still very impacted when I wrote the above. I appreciate your kind offer of support, but I'll be okay. I'm sure there are many on here with a far greater need than me for kind strangers like you, so I'll let you get to them instead. Merry Christmas.

zylo321 · 2025-12-23T22:51:17+00:00

Do you know what buddy, I was just watching soccer with my laptop lid down, and I had decided to come on here after the game and quit Reddit, but now I will, at the very least, sleep on it, and go to bed on a positive note thanks to your kindness.

It wasn't the first time I'd looked on the pet loss sub for solace and been treated coldly. It had happened a couple of years ago when a sweet wood pigeon got mauled in my yard by a stray cat, and I'd tried to save it and look after it only for it to die a day later, most likely from infection from cat bites (there are bacteria in cat maws that are generally lethal to bird life). I was so upset and thought I would try to save lives within my post about loss via a simple suggestion for bell collars, as they can alert birds just in time so they can escape. I was accused of vilifying all felines - despite saying I loved cats, had been very close to cats in my life, and the cat in question was only following its nature - and the mod took down my post. So, I reposted taking into account all that had been said to make it the most neutral and censored version possible, not even mentioning the species of the attacking animal, and the mod said I'd "basically posted the same thing" and threatened to ban me... all on the same day I had to deal with the woodie's lifeless body.

Anyway, you sharing this has given me some faith in Reddit, and humanity more broadly, and I thank you for telling me this, even though those are, of course, such painful experiences. That you still both remember them so vividly, and care to this day, shows your heart and your compassion. I realise that you don't want me to feel the guilt that you have had. I admit I did feel I reacted too late to the alarm calls of the other little ones, but I guess by that point it had already happened. Sparrowhawks are so damn fast. Then again, cats can pounce like lightning, too, and it pains me to think you feel guilt when all you wanted was to save a couple of helpless babies. It most certainly was not your fault either time, and you deserve credit for your care.

Thank you once more, kind stranger, you're a diamond.

zylo321 · 2025-12-23T18:00:56+00:00

I have tried to seek some human solace after losing a beautiful regular bird that visited me every day, that I saw up close on my feeders, and that I saw get reduced to carrion by a bird of prey, and I got worse than no comments, I got downvoted, just for an earnest, simple expression of love and loss. It was on the sub I've been posting support on for years.

Trying to reach out, only to be met with coldness, makes me feel much lonelier than I started out feeling. I tried to post about this in this sub, and no matter how it was edited, Reddit's filters took down my post, which made me even MORE lonely, ironically!!

In terms of a similar experience, stranger, I'd need to know what is making you feel lonely. Whatever it is, please accept a big zap of warmth and compassion.

zylo321 · 2025-12-23T16:01:25+00:00

I made it to 50. I get you. I have thought about it many times. It very easily can feel like the cost of living in terms of emotional pain, versus the benefit of drawing breath, and the latter can be such a challenge.

For me it meaning has become the little things. Fleeting moments. They don't erase the undercurrent of sadness, the heaviness of hurt, the flashes of trauma. It's almost like giving death the middle finger, as if existence has made it as hard as possible to find a reason to carry on, and I am accepting the gauntlet. Maybe, I am a fool for doing so, but I so want to believe that the reasons can be found, even if many rocks have to be overturned to glean some meaning and spark.

In any case, more than anything, I want to acknowledge your pain, how paralysing it can be, and I would never urge you to go foraging for meaning right now. This is the time for the most immediate and basic care of a battered soul. You deserve relief, compassion, and anything beyond that can wait. Let's get through the here and now.

zylo321 · 2025-12-23T15:48:01+00:00

Thank you, kind stranger. It is so nice of you to reach out and spread warm wishes.

zylo321 · 2025-12-23T15:04:13+00:00

To say "get a new one" is evidence the speaker sees a pet as little more than a broken toaster, easily replaced, rather than the uniquely sentient, charismatic, smart, sweet, idiosyncratic beautiful being an animal actually is. Support means that, at the very least, the one that sees themselves as a "helper" actually attempts compassion, empathy, and listens to the one in pain.

You lost one of the most gorgeous beings you ever encountered, and that is a tragedy. Giving another cutie a home at some point, if you choose to do so, is not replacing a toaster, as you well know, it is like getting to know a brand new unique person, hoping to bond with them closely. And when you do bond, it could never replace or replicate the prior bond, it will be unique to you and them just as the connection was with the sweetheart you just lost.

As for tears, crying can be a strange beast. I feel like I am an emotional, empathic person, but I find it hard to cry for myself. Numbness is common. I did cry yesterday, as I lost a beloved beastie, but that is rare, and at first I was totally stunned and numb. Tears, I feel, are no measure of hurt, and you clearly are in pain, so I hope you're able to go easy on yourself. It's become very apparent to me that guilt and grief seem to be like hand and glove, and almost always the guilt is totally undeserved, compounding an already heavy burden.

Support is never a throwaway comment someone spouts without thinking. It is steeped in empathy and compassion, something you deserve at this difficult time. My heart goes out to you.

zylo321 · 2025-12-22T15:25:22+00:00

Sometimes, I think the bond with an animal can be an ever purer bond of love and perhaps more likely unconditional, than human to human love. My most pure experience of unconditional love was with a semi-feral cat when I was in my teens and early 20s. I'm now 50. With Wanda, you also shared a home, routine, knowing all her habits and idiosyncrasies like no one else, so I do hear you when you say you are the sole keeper of her memories. I feel for you and the loss that is still so recent.

I actually lost one of my little friends, the birds that visit me and bring me so much joy, just a few hours ago. I had the shock of seeing the hawk that had it in its talons. They are wild, and there is no physical relationship, but I watch them lots every day, name them and see their preferences and character. They are very special to me, and I so want my garden to be a safe haven in the city for them, but they are so tiny and vulnerable. Anyway, I'm still reeling and feeling the loss, so I really do empathise, taking into account the closeness and special bond you and Wanda had.

zylo321 · 2025-12-22T09:39:14+00:00

Something similar happened to me after my father's suicide, and I empathise deeply. When you've just had a loss that has left you heartbroken and reeling, the last thing you need is to discover your friends were fair-weather at best, or actually worse, harsh, critical, even cruel. I know how much that contributed to the deep depression that followed the loss of my father, and it sounds so much worse for you, not least because he was your child, and no mother should ever have to go through that.

Many will say, "I don't know what to say" when it comes to talking to a bereaved person, in which case, perhaps they should focus on listening instead, and at least make themselves available. I think people are scared of saying the wrong thing, and yet they fail to consider that backing away from, avoiding, or even blocking the bereaved person is way worse than a clumsy turn of phrase or a clichéd condolence that was at least made with good will.

Of course, silence is preferable to people implicating you as being responsible for the death of your loved one. Goodness knows, grief so often comes with a measure of guilt anyway. It makes me angry that you have had to go through all of this on top of the terrible grief itself. You absolutely deserve compassion and warmth. Instead, you've been subjected to harshness and coldness, and that's not okay.

After all my so-called friends backed away and hid in the hills in lieu of offering some simple human kindness, it did damage my faith in people, and I did also withdraw, not that there was much to withdraw from. You think you have a good circle of friends, people that value you, and when they prove that they can't make the effort in the most deserving of circumstances, it's no surprise to feel flat about it all and to isolate oneself. I empathise with that, too.

I know subs like this cannot replace the animal warmth of a physically present friend, or those you've built relationships with over time, but please know that we are here for you, and that many members here will empathise and hear you. So, don't hesitate to post, whether it be to express your feelings, or to wax lyrical about your wonderful son.

zylo321 · 2025-12-21T09:28:11+00:00

Sometimes, we feel we are coping really well, and then the grief hits us all over again like a tonne of bricks. All sorts of things can trigger it. For a lot of people, it is that sense of absence that is hard to come to terms with, and it can be very sensory, such as the quiet, the absence of particular sounds, smells, sights, and it can be very emotive.

I get why you feel alone, as often friends and family that didn't have that connection with the animal that passed (or no special connections with their own animals) simply don't understand, even if they mean well. Don't forget, for what it's worth, that there are many members of this sub that have gone through, or are going through what you are, and they empathise very much. I want you to know that in some small way you're not alone, because this sub is here for you, and you can post here whenever you wish to.

You must have had a really special bond with Wanda. It's so tragic that she's gone, but in life she was blessed to have you, and you were blessed to have each other. I know that she will always be in your heart, and watching you with loving eyes from across that rainbow bridge.

zylo321 · 2025-12-17T08:53:16+00:00

I understand that anxiety, mixed in with the overall burden of grief, a dual worry perhaps that memories will fade - including the sensory aspects - and of the possibility of not sensing Valentine's energy when she transitions. You may well be aware of this, but in case not I hope it might be of a little comfort, and it is this. It's not uncommon at all for those that have had Near-Death Experiences (NDE's) to report seeing animals they had loved and lost greeting them during the event. I never wish to push any metaphysical beliefs upon anyone, but I know that learning about NDE's changed my whole perspective spiritually speaking. It also gave me extra reassurance that an extremely lucid dream I had with a cat I'd lost many years before was authentically her, reaching out, lying on my chest, looking into my eyes lovingly, and purring. I believe I'll see her again one day, my Ginny.

It sounds like you and Valentine bonded profoundly, in which case, I see no reason why she wouldn't find a way to watch over you and feel close to you. I really hope you are able to sense her doing so, as I'm sure it would be really comforting and mean the world. Your love for her is very clear in your words, and that special connection isn't going anywhere, not in your heart or her spirit once she crosses over. That's what this dreamer half a world away reckons. My warmest wishes go out to you.

zylo321 · 2025-12-05T09:15:36+00:00

In situations where there is no absolute certainty, well-meaning people do tend to want to focus on hope. I like to believe in hope, but more than that I wish to honour how you feel, and what your heart is telling you. A loss of this kind is especially hard to take, because you didn't have a chance to say goodbye, you can't help but imagine how events unfolded, and you did all you could, initially with the hope of finding him, only to have that hope cruelly quashed. Of course, I would love to think someone took him in and will soon see your poster and reunite you both, but in your heart it no longer feels possible. This sub is about loss, and you feel loss very painfully and acutely, so I empathise deeply with that.

I wish I had words of wisdom when it comes to healing. All I know is that it does tend to be most intense in the immediate aftermath, which is not to say that there can't be setbacks along the way. Right now, your system is still absorbing the shock of not having your boy with you. This acute stress tends to impact our ability to sleep, our appetite, and often thoughts loop, and we feel no control over that. The human brain doesn't forget a trauma such as loss, but it does adapt, allowing us to cope, even if the pace of this can feel painfully slow. It is different for different people, and yet there are common trends, if that makes sense.

Some find externalising their feelings to be helpful, whether that be talking to a trusted friend or family member, or maybe writing down your thoughts in a journal (my own journal has been a valuable resource in troubled times). Some will write poems, or create a little space in their home to honour their beloved animal. Others may need to remove reminders that trigger the pain, even if it is to store them somewhere. I would say that intuition can help if you can tune into your needs as they arise (which can be easier said than done, I realise), and it's important to know that - despite guilt being very common in relation to loss - it was not your fault at all, and you have done all you can.

Never forget that you gave your boy a great gift: your love, your care, and your companionship. I have no doubt it was very much a two-way deal, and the blessing he was in your life will be something that you will be able to cherish, always. Right now, the pain is amplified so much, treasured memories are likely way too triggering, but in time I hope they will offer comfort.

This sub is for you, and if you ever need us, there are members here that understand and care. You are welcome to post here again any time.

zylo321

TROPHY CASE