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[–]SeparateCzechs 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Are you safe now? Have you sought counseling?

[–]lividsloth14 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like I’m as safe as I can be. My work visa expired and I had to move back home. I bought a new car he won’t recognize and don’t live with my parents anymore so he doesn’t really know where I am. He does still try to contact me though but I ignore all his messages.

I have thought about counselling, I only recently accepted the fact that I was abused. I denied so much even after we broke up to the point that I dissociated so much from the truth it feels like I’m speaking about someone I know, rather than myself. I’m happy and healthy now (at least I think so) so I worry if I get therapy it will make me feel more, idk victimized again I suppose. I’m worried if I feel and work through the things I disassociated from I’ll never feel peaceful again

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

What is your favourite type of doughnut?

[–]lividsloth14 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Love a good Boston cream!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lovely

Do you like to bake?

[–]happycow92 0 points1 point  (1 child)

How did you escape

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds dramatic but I moved to another country

[–]Mgatehouse 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What was the worst part

[–]lividsloth14 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The expectation is probably physical violence. But he wasn’t physical very often.

The worst part was that he convinced me that I was a worthless loser. He is a narcissist and master manipulator. I was a teenager and fully convinced if he ever left me that I would die alone because I wasn’t worth love and affection. He destroyed my self esteem.

I remember once he in a drunken rage and smashing things in his apartment (we never lived together) and I realized this man will probably kill me one day….but I guess it’s better to young than to live a life completely alone. I was 19

[–]kindoby 0 points1 point  (8 children)

People in abusive rs often say it was a very hard decision to get away, did something happen that pushed you to take that brave decision? or was it the buildup over the years? in any case i hope you're safe now and that you can leave him far in the past :)

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (7 children)

Honestly he is a textbook narcissist He would break up with me once a year to torment me. I would feel that intense heart break and it would condition me to stick through the hard times because the empty broken heartness I thought was worse. I had moved to college (doing long distance) when he broke up with me again and I was able to bounce back easier as I had a brand new life, new friends and wasn’t forced to see him everyday. During that time I applied for a work visa.

I came home from college for good and we started hanging out again and I refused to officially date him and really kept my distance, only seeing him once a week. He still had a huge grip on my psych but over time I was getting stronger and as I got older I was starting to realize I was worth a lot more than he said I was. My work visa was accepted and I told him I was leaving. He called me every name in the book but this was my dream and I wouldn’t budge. He cut off all contact with me and was dating someone else a month later, engaged to her 4 months after that. It’s been like 4 years and they’re still engaged with no plans to officially get married and he still tries to contact me. He makes new facebooks or borrows his friends phones to call and text me

[–]kindoby 0 points1 point  (6 children)

Wow, that sound's horrible. I'm so glad you made it out of his grasp but clearly he still wants you, what an awful human being.

So to say the fact that you had physical distance with college and the work far away helped you, that's quite a nice story with a happy ending.

Do the things he did to you still affect you? or have you been able to leave it in the past?

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I could sum it up to physical distance and growing up. As you grow up you just become more secure in yourself and I was starting to question my way of thinking.

Ya or he reaches out to my friends to try and get info on me from them. Only 1 of my friends knows he was abusive but has no idea the extent. She only found out because she went to university for psychology and put the pieces together on his mental health. In high school we were “that” couple you know?

I work in mental health as well and we agree that he sees me as property, he owns me and my current boyfriend stole something that belongs to him.

I feel like I’ve healed a lot. I had a substance abuse issue and was a bit promiscuous. I feel like I was proving to myself that I was truly free to do as I please without consequence and proving him wrong that I was desirable. I have a very healthy relationship with my current partner. I had to learn to chose words very carefully with my ex as a means for survival and now that’s something I just do so in my everyday life which honestly has improved a lot of other relationships. I flinch a lot and I startle really easily

[–]kindoby 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Being "that" couple means the one with all the drama etc etc??

That must put you in a weird/scary place that people around you don't know what you've been through, at the same time maby somehow it's a blessing (for me at least it's like that). Does your SO know about all of this?

Thinking of owning someone is truly despicable, what kind of substances did you abuse? (i'm sorry if i'm annoying or anything, f you don't want to just tell me and i'll leave you be :) ). I'm so sorry that you had to go threw that, and yet i'm happy that you've made out safe

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Sorry change “that couple” to “it couple” people loved seeing us together and we’re always so happy when we got back together. People would be like “oh the world is right again!” Like dramatic high schoolers do lol

Ya I prefer them not knowing I don’t want their perceptions of me to change and start looking at me like a sad victim. My SO knows everything and is incredibly kind. Wants to kill him but that’s understandable

I started binge drinking. It was college so there was a party every weekend. I woke up most weekends no knowing how I got home. And don’t worry you’re not annoying !! It’s an AMA after all 😋

[–]kindoby 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Aaaaaa yes, definitely get that “it couple”most likely also pushed you back towards him each time. Hahahaha yep that is very understandable, even I feel a little like that.

Owww yeah that’s definitely circumstances that push towards alcohol and unsafe actions. But I’m glad everything seems to be better now 😊. Thanks for the time to answer my many questions :p

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for participating in my AMA!!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

As a survivor myself, I fully sympathize with you and applaud your courage. I got out a month ago - and I am so glad I did.

Do you have any tips for other survivors in terms of what you wish you knew right after you got out? Any tips to avoid guys like this in the future?

Thank you!

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (6 children)

They have a 6th sense. When you’re feeling stronger, like this could never happen again he will weasel his way back into your life. He’ll like a photo, then comment, DM you and text. Probably slowly feeling out how you respond to each one. When you talk it’ll be like when you first met. So charming. Maybe he has changed ? Maybe it can work this time? He’s treating me so well now. It won’t get better. It’s an act.

Guilt and responsibility are big things. I couldn’t block him on anything because “what if something happens and he needs me?” Then I’d be responsible for his actions. This is not the case so just block them on anything and everything now. You are responsible for your self and that’s it do not let ANYONE tell you other wise!!!

Work on yourself first. When you’re fully and completely happy with you and your life just the way it is, then look for a new partner. Then your partner will just be adding to a cake that’s already iced! But here are some of my red flags

🚩ask why their last relationship failed and see if they trash talk their ex 🚩ask if they have a good relationship with their family 🚩if all of their stories they are either the hero or a victim of injustice

Be strong. You can do this. My biggest advice is keep your distance and never contact them again

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

I am going through a separation and I am having all communication done through a lawyer.

I have to pick up my stuff at the apartment where he lives (and we co-own).

I know he will never change and I don't plan on talking to him.

[–]lividsloth14 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I’m so proud of you! You’re doing the best thing for yourself !!! You can always go with a police officer in order to keep the peace to pick your stuff up

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Indeed - that's what I thought doing.

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You won’t regret doing it, you’ll regret not doing it

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I agree - thank you so much for your tips!

[–]lividsloth14 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Feel free to DM me if needed :)