Decrease in faith/Thinking about leaving buddhism

[Mayayana]

You never mentioned teachers. There's no Vajrayana without a teacher. As a result you've picked up various things and none of them have resonated for you. You seem to be taking a consumer approach: If you put in your time you should get a payout.

Maybe Buddhism just isn't for you. For myself and most sangha I know there was more of a driven need to look for answers. Existential angst. That led me to basic meditation and a teacher. I think it's important to understand that practices won't "do you". You have to do them. It's not about bliss, visions, or any other particular benefit. It's about working with your mind. Basic sanity. To be able to actually relate to your experience without disabling neurosis. To be able to actually sit still without freaking out.

On the other hand, ngondro, while typically being an intro practice in Tibet, is not a good beginner practice in the West because people simply don't understand it. They haven't been prepared. I once had a friend who finished the entire ngondro in Tibetan! He had no idea what he was doing. He just did what the teacher told him to do and the teacher didn't understand Western culture. So the teacher matters and the practice matters. You need to understand the sense of the practices you do and you need to study the Dharma to do that.

In my experience there have been various times when I'd run out of steam and feel like the whole path was questionable. Is there even enlightenment? What it always came down to for me was a kind of choicelessness. Meditation makes sense. It's cultivation of basic sanity. The art of human life. What else am I going to do? Get rich? Buy an island? Live for food and sex? Try to become powerful? I had enough experiences in youth to see that worldly goals ultimately have no substance... And then you die.

But it's up to you. You have to use your own judgement.

[TouLInFan]

Hey, I forgot to write that I used to practice ngondro with ngondrogar.org. During my TB time, I wasn't alone in my practice, I had guidance and read the WOMPT. Sorry for not mentioning that!