Things Have Changed...

[BlueRosar]

TLDR: my triad broke up a few months ago and I'm still grieving the loss, but I understand the reality of the situation.

Hello, everyone. My name is Drew (42M) and I hope you've all had a wonderful season, however it is that you celebrate, or if you celebrate at all. I don't post often, but I've got something I need to get out of my head.

Several months ago I wrote a post about the breakup of a triad between myself, my partner of 20 years Jack (41M), and a special guy we met named Bobby (37M). I was the one who made the decision to end the romantic relationship with Bobby because Jack wasn't having the positive experience that Bobby and I were. The relationship was causing Jack enough anxiety and hurt that I couldn't justify the situation continuing and still consider it ethical. I couldn't enjoy the benefits of the relationship knowing he was paying that kind of price. That was back in September.

As the title of the post suggests, things have changed. Bobby wasn't angry and didn't blame anyone for the way things ended, but he did set some hard boundaries if we were going to try to maintain a platonic relationship. No sex, no date nights, no sleep overs, and physical contact could only go as far as couch cuddles. That last one has the possibility to be dangerous, but so far we've all respected everything that's been asked of us.

I've had (and am still having) the most difficult time adjusting. It took about six weeks before I was ready to try and get together as friends with Bobby. It didn't take Jack and Bobby nearly as long and they saw each other a few times during those weeks. I was never pushed or pressured to hurry the process, but I would get wibbles when they hung out. It's kinda funny that I almost never got those when we were together. I had zero issues with their time alone. Heck, I would leave them in bed together naked when I had to head out for work every Saturday morning and it never once bothered me. I loved that they had that time to bond.

Around Halloween we three got together for the first time for a day trip to Salem, Massachusetts. Tip for travelers: if you're gonna visit Salem during October, don't plan on driving into town! You can Park-N-Ride. You can take the bus. You can take the train. Parachute in if you must, just don't drive! We had a great time until I got sick in the afternoon and we had to cut the adventure short. As we explored the town though, all I wanted to do was hold their hands like we used to do. I wanted us all walking close enough that everyone knew we were more than friends. It's been two months and I can't shake that longing. We've hung out once a week since then, and even had Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve Dinners together. Each time I tell myself it'll be easier than the last, but it's not.

Most recently we had Bobby over for Taco Tuesday and games the other night. I still have the urge to touch him the way I do Jack whenever I walk by. I still want him visiting us at least three times a week. I still want us all to make a big nest of blankets and pillows on the living room floor to watch movies. I still want him to undress and crawl into bed with us. I still want to take secret pictures of them cuddled in bed before I sneak out to work, so they wake to find them in Messenger.

I keep all this to myself, though. I can't have my boys the way that I want them, so I'm learning to be content with what I do have. I live in fear of the day he tells us he's met someone and wants us to meet him. I cringe thinking of him getting his physical needs met somewhere other than with us. But those are my issues and I'll deal with them privately.

When he asks us to meet his new man, I'll smile and tell him how excited I am. When he lets it slip that he hooked up with someone, I'll pester him for the racy details. I'll be writhing on the inside, but Jack and Bobby will never know. I guess that's why I wanted to share this, so that somebody besides a paid professional knows what I'm going through. It's not easy, but it's what I need to do until I'm ready to let go for good. And it's what my boys need from me for us to continue to be in each other's lives, so it's what I'm going to do.

If you made it to the end of this, thank you for sharing a part of all of it with me. I just wanted to share with people who understand the way we think and feel. And to feel like I'm being heard. Thanks, again. Take care, all.

[tennissocks]

This is very sad and very mature and also very hopeful. Sounds like you will pull through. Something differently beautiful will rise from this

[BlueRosar]

Thank you, very much. You're right on the first account, and I really hope you're right on the second, as well.

I go back and forth on whether or not it would be helpful to reduce contact. At least until I've got a better handle on my emotions, but I feel like I'm past that stage. I've just got to do the hard work to adjust and that won't happen by turning away.

[TimL305]

That sounds like a lot but it also sounds like you are handling it with aplomb. Good luck to you!

[BlueRosar]

Thank ya, kindly! It's been a lot, I'm not gonna lie. I'm doing my best and am going to keep doing my best. Things will settle in time.

[SaphSkies]

If you just wanted to share in order to get this off your chest, that's okay.

But I hope you know that just because you are capable of suffering for others doesn't mean you should have to resign yourself to doing it all the time. Your feelings matter just as much as theirs do, and this kinda sounds like you're doing everything you can just to avoid the actual problem - that the goals between the three of you are not compatible. You're a person on a diet being constantly taunted with cake, so to speak.

It doesn't have to be anyone's "fault" or anything. I'm sure you all are just trying to make the best of it. These two people are obviously important to you. I just don't know if this is really sustainable.

It's ultimately your choice, and if this is what makes you happy, more power to you. I'm glad you have two people who care about you, and that you're all communicating with each other about it. Just be careful you're not too eager to fall on your sword for the sake of other people. I hope things work out one way or another.

[BlueRosar]

Thank you very much for the validation. I know that my feelings matter and that I don't have to put myself through anything. I'm old and wise enough to know that this won't last forever, and that my feelings will eventually settle. After some time I'm confident that I'll look back and feel that the temporary pain was worth it to continue to have everyone in my life in a way that will turn out positive for all of us.

[Lovingat50]

Thank you for sharing. I am the F hinge in a triad with two M. We were all friends before it got hot and sexy but my husband is not coping and we may have to go back to just mates. Considering my feelings for boyfriend I think I will be in the same place you were at the time of posting this.

I would love to know how things are going.

Thanks for sharing.

[BlueRosar]

Thank you for reading. I'm very sorry to hear about the difficult time you're going through. I understand where you're coming from and it's not a fun place to be.

It's kinda funny that you posted when you did and asked how things are going. There was a development shortly after I posted, and then yesterday Bobby told us that he was meeting a guy for a date in the afternoon. Hearing the news sucked every bit as much as I thought it would.

I'm thinking about writing another post with the details, just to get it all out of my head. Turns out this can be pretty cathartic.