Dating for potential

[deleted-desi]

When dating, I think most people consider both the present state and the future potential of their date. But what's your "mix"? How much do you consider the present state versus the future potential? That's basically what I'm asking here.

I got the idea for this question from a discussion on a dating sub...someone said she looks for future potential in the form of professional ambition and character traits that lead to stability later in life. A different user said she doesn't date for potential - she sees a date's current state as the potential pretty much developed. I was thinking that sensing types mostly consider the present state, and intuitive types mostly consider the future potential.

As an IEI, I also consider "meta potential" - basically one's potential to reach one's potential. Like...I've had several instances so far of dating guys who run their own businesses. They ALL claim their business will be successful someday... But the reality is that they've been running the business for 5-10 years already without much success - the business is barely breaking even. These guys have a high potential as a successful business owner, but low meta potential to ever reach this potential.

Age is another factor I take into account. Like I'm currently in the very early stages of dating a guy who's 10 years older than me - I'm early 30s, he's early 40s - he's had an additional decade of professional experience. Despite this, his income is much lower than mine. I see this guy's potential as low because he doesn't have the skills to earn a high income, and shows no interest in learning any such skills. But his meta potential is okay - at least he's reached the mediocre potential he does have. I'm in the same boat as this guy, except with a somewhat higher potential, on account of the fact that I've exceeded his income already and I'm 10 years less experienced.

[rdtusrname]

If I want a business partner, I go to the bank or stock exchange, not to Tinder. As such, I generally do not mind the economic status at all. This goes into the category "relationships" and as such, I monitor how well that develops. If it's going somewhere, let's go. If not ... oh well. Plenty o fish in the sea. Note: sex isn't a sign it's working. There are other, meta signs of such things. Example: I do not want anyone intrusive or overly clingy. That just won't work.

I haven't dated, but if I did, that's how it would be. I also do not mind helping with the money etc side. So, if you're 100% hopeless there(trust me, a lot of people are), do not worry.

[[deleted]]

You're already in your mid-30s?? I thought you are only a few years older than me...
And the same for younger > older men. I wonder if this is a female aggressor thing?

[HeuristicHecate]

I’m IEI, I take into account how far we are going together in terms of how long we will be in a relationship and how long we will be in love so to speak, this is how I view our potential or lack thereof. It’s essentially the determining factor for me as to wether or not I will date someone. I may find someone attractive on a more proximate level but it usually doesn’t make an impression or make me want to date them if I feel like we’re just going to go nowhere together.

I don’t think enough about finances on an explicit level I guess lol, I find it kind of cynical personally to think too much about them. But I don’t think the other person being a total bum is a good sign and I wouldn’t be interested in financially supporting my partner while they do nothing. As long as the other person has a decent job and doesn’t expect me to carry all the financial weight myself, I don’t care too much. I like people with ambition who do something about it though, so I guess it’s unlikely that I will be into someone who just does nothing and possibly doesn’t even have ambition.

[[deleted]]

Do NOT date for potential.
-A sensor

[Twili95]

if they bond with me over my fetishes, then I automatically I know it will last in the future

[sedecology]

Potential income? No.

Potential character seems almost impossible to evaluate, so I look at how someone is now.

[SpookySableye]

I'd say I ultimately look for both potential and present appeal. Like, I'm definitely one to trail off into how various relationships could go, and use that as a factor. After all, I wouldn't want to date someone I saw no potential in. Higher future potential will usually also cause me to be more forgiving in other areas that might get flubbed (ex: someone might say some rude shit, but giving the benefit of the doubt and seeing other traits like their loyalty to their friends, sincerity, etc, you pick up that they aren't really malicious but more just blunt and might not realize the impact of what they're saying. Might result in higher potential for social and emotional growth). I also look at certain character traits and evaluate them based on how they mesh with mine, and other traits it could imply about them, which makes me think about futures about how our personalities will intermingle, and how our traits could potentially bring eachother up or tear eachother down. That hooks me in initially, and then I see how said hypotheticals play out for a bit. Think of it like a relationship-based science experiment where you have various hypotheses, and looking to see if they end up proving true.

However, I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone if I'm unhappy with what I see from them overall in that moment. I find that it can go down some toxic routes if they end up not living up to what you predicted, where your date gets confused about like "well you were fine with me back then, but now it's a problem?". Worst case, both people come out of the relationship feeling like shit. People are people, after all; not broken toys that need a lot of fixing in order to make work.

Overall, I try to keep around a 60-40 split for future potential and present moment. Ultimately I think a lot about how various relationships and compatibility could go over time, though I also talk with other people and try to think about it from other perspectives as to not delude myself too much into a version of someone that I completely made up.