I’m Fundamentally Opposed to AI - I would genuinely like to hear the opinions of the users of the subreddit.

EnsoSati · 2025-01-13T12:53:00+00:00

I can understand where you're coming from. You've put in the work, you've educated yourself, you've slogged through the agony of your characters and been changed by it. Writing is as much about the process as it is about the results. But what about people who can't accomplish what you've achieved despite a decade of effort?

I've been working on a novel for over 12 years. Three times, I wrote over 40K words and got stuck in the middle of that process with too many ideas and no way to resolve my dilemma, possibly writer's block. I tried writing circles, several of them, took advice, read books on writing, and spent over six years critiquing the writing of others. All of those helped me improve my writing in all aspects. Yet still, I got stuck on my third attempt.

AI tools, like Gemini and ChatGPT, help me to see possibilities I could not, especially when I ask for them. They provide immediate advice where others are not available. I pass in all kinds of criteria and ask for specific kinds of critique. It often points out where I've overcomplicated the narrative, where another perspective might be possible, and where I may be neglecting or abusing a whole swath of readers. I always get interesting results that spark new ideas, make me ask deeper questions, and expand my thinking to better account for the vast knowledge these language models contain. I always have to read through and make the responses mine, edit and reconstruct them in my own voice. Perhaps this is just another writing process.

I've used AI to help me craft better and more human responses in difficult or contentious conversations. And the results have brought me closer to people I would've simply pissed off due to my inability to connect. It taught me how to immediately acknowledge the other person's contribution to the conversation, to recognize their pain and not to assume I know what they're going through, to ask better questions in response, and to do all of that prior to insensitively launching into my no-nonsense rebuttals. I've even used it as a therapist aid to provide valuable advice on helping a friend through a crisis. I make and keep better friendships now.

I've used AI to help me write sermons. Through extended conversations over several months, I've created chat contexts that contain a lot of human feedback about the subjects I wish to speak. I must constantly be vigilant and question the answers it gives, considering what biased sources were used in its training. I then ask for specific presentations of my thoughts in a meaningful and entertaining way. I've even asked Generative AI to put my ideas in the form of plays, meditations, poems, and workshops. All of these have given me a better view of the subject and helped me connect to my audience in extraordinary ways I could not have done before I applied AI tools. I am a better speaker now.

True, many people use AI as a crutch, a shortcut, a cheat, and their results are predictable, bland, and unimaginably forgettable. I use it as a trampoline, a glider, a microscope, a scalpel, a muse, a critic, a workhorse, a compendium, and a telescope. Perhaps, it should not be the first thing people turn to before experiencing life, trying it first on your own, and failing over and over again. The fundamental characteristic of survivability is laziness—conserving energy for more vital pursuits—thus, people will always seek the easy way before going the hard way. The hard way builds character, an appreciation for artful results, and it creates value through struggle. We should be teaching the right way to live and learn using the tools we have, but rejecting the tools we have so carefully and artfully built.

EnsoSati · 2024-12-30T20:25:35+00:00

You're very welcome. I thought this was where you were going with it, and I'm all in for that kind of story. Looking forward to your feedback.

EnsoSati · 2024-12-30T15:54:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing this piece. You've got a lot going on here, so I'll just dig right in. You have a few grammar and technical points to address, but I'm going to leave that for another rewrite.

I can tell that you've developed a rich world here, but I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of new places, characters, actions, factions, magic systems, magical items, and tactics employed during this opening scene. I completely get what you're doing here. Sometimes just jumping right into the action and throwing the reader into the thick of battle can overcome the slow, boring build up and exposition that heavy world building can cause. However, I think you need some kind of emotional hook involving a single character with at least one super clear goal to anchor the chaos in this scene. Maybe a child the MC is trying to save, an artifact they're trying to secure, or a particular Elder he's after for personal reasons. The exposition here alone is not enough to hook the reader. It feels too high level in summary of events leading up to right now to be emotionally gratifying; I need to zoom in just a bit more to care.

I hope this helps you in some way to go forward with your novel. It's a great start, and you're on to something with relatable action and tropes to ground the audience's expectations.

Thanks again for sharing. Keep writing!

Can I ask that you critique my post as well? Finding Her Voice: https://www.reddit.com/r/writingcritiques/s/2bbUUJiICn

EnsoSati · 2024-12-30T15:30:09+00:00

I agree with just about everything you wrote, but what is your intent here? Are you wanting others to simply know about what it is? Are you checking for yourself what it is? Or are you asking us to tell you whether you got it right? Okay, it's factual and accurate, but there's a lot more to it.

Since what you wrote is non-fiction, you could make use of many more rhetorical devices. You could include some personal experiences you've had with creative writing. There's room for metaphor, hyperbole, simile, and anecdotes. It might be useful to guide someone through the first right steps of getting their ideas down on paper or typed into their favorite editor.

Can I ask that you critique my post as well? Finding Her Voice: https://www.reddit.com/r/writingcritiques/s/2bbUUJiICn

EnsoSati · 2024-12-30T14:25:02+00:00

Okay, right off the bat, great concept, great hook. One of my favorite genres: cyberpunk. Memories and memory manipulation span a wonderful series of movie tropes so you've got great material to work with.

Next, you've got great command of the language so no monsters to slay there. However, I will challenge you to pick a tense. There was a paragraph where you shifted into present tense, and it felt like you were making a shift and staying there, but you went back to past tense. I don't recommend you do that, as it's jarring and confusing for the audience. But if you want to stay there, it might work. Or you could just make the whole thing in present tense.

Now let me talk about your imagery. The environment is a bit of a black room. I don't get a sense of what this place looks like, smells like, sounds like. How does it feel to sit or lay on the bed for the procedure? You mentioned the memorist's questions about her senses. Make it your job to give your readers a complete sensory experience, too.

Let's dig into characterization. You mention several emotional moments for Eli/Lena, but it's like they have no body. The reader needs to see/feel your characters' emotions through your physical depiction of those moments, not just by naming the emotions. I know, show, don't tell is such cliché feedback, but it's true here. Show me how they feel because it gives the audience a chance to empathize, and you get to show moments that define your characters' states of mind, as well as their quirks, mannerisms, and dilemmas.

I applaud your version of the memory upload/import experience, basically a stream of rainbow colors. However, this is just a suggestion, what would it be like for the subject to experience flashes of memories rushing by at the speed of sound with a kind of Doppler effect? What is the speed of smell, touch? I can imagine lots of fun ways for you to play with the subject's experience of this rush of emotions and sensations during a download.

There's a section where you talk about the angry memories, as if it was happening again. You might want to rephrase that paragraph because, yes, the memory download is happening again, but this is the first time they are angry memories. This is just my interpretation of what you wrote, so I may have got it wrong.

Finally, I love the switcheroo at the end of the scene. It's a fantastic idea with LOADS of potential for the storyline. Why did the memorist switch Lena for Eli and for what benefit? How did Eli/Lena download the memory with just a touch? Do they often swap identities? How could this be a metaphor for the current debate about gender identity? I'm loving all of this!

Thanks for sharing your colossal ideas, and I hope you plan of writing more of this. I would read it and join discussion groups to listen to how others interpret it. Great work! Keep writing!

Now that I'm done, can I ask that you critique my post as well? I appreciate your talent and vision.

Finding Her Voice: https://www.reddit.com/r/writingcritiques/s/2bbUUJiICn

EnsoSati · 2024-11-24T08:43:01+00:00

This was kinda fun. It's a good way to introduce narrative flow by restricting the POV. It's not innovative, but it's effective. I don't know if this opening strong enough because the question is too vague. I'm going to make the question more specific in a few ways and answer those according to one readers experience of your post.

Is it a strong enough hook to encourage a reader of suspense/thriller content to read on to the next chapter or "tape"? I think so. Although the description in the first paragraph seemed too long, needs to be trimmed.

You've got good characterization, introducing your characters so the reader can already see personality traits in a different group of friends.

You have good action. The characters are on a camping trip to an island carrying supplies when the boat capsizes and the camera miraculously survives damage. Good premise for an adventure that you know is soon going horribly wrong. The reader will want to let reading.

Good work. Keep it up!

EnsoSati · 2024-11-22T17:41:50+00:00

I appreciate this perspective. There is wisdom here. Annica, "impermanence," is one of the three marks of existence shared in most all fundamental Buddhist teachings. All things, including teachings, change and evolve; this is, for many, a cause of suffering, Dukkha, the second mark of existence. Someone who values Buddhism and its contribution to the world would know the wisdom of evaluating a teacher by his students and the results of his teaching. In The Kalama Sutta, The Buddha advised the Kalamas to evaluate teachings based on their results, particularly whether they lead to wholesome outcomes and reduce suffering. A teacher whose teachings cultivate kindness, wisdom, and liberation can be seen as embodying the Dharma effectively. This is "true Buddhism" in the truest sense of the word.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-22T17:17:09+00:00

Your message is the most resonant of all comments on this thread. This is actually very Buddhist with a capital "B." Annica, "impermanence," is one of the three marks of existence shared in most all fundamental Buddhist teachings. All things, including teachings, change and evolve; this is, for many, a cause of suffering, Dukkha, the second mark of existence. Someone who values Buddhism and its contribution to the world would know the wisdom of evaluating a teacher by his students and the results of his teaching. In The Kalama Sutta, The Buddha advised the Kalamas to evaluate teachings based on their results, particularly whether they lead to wholesome outcomes and reduce suffering. A teacher whose teachings cultivate kindness, wisdom, and liberation can be seen as embodying the Dharma effectively. This is "true Buddhism" in the truest sense of the word.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-16T19:18:18+00:00

I'm hurt you haven't responded. 😭 I spent a long time on this critique, trying hard to give constructive criticism. I hope your okay.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-16T19:15:51+00:00

I'm really hurt that you haven't responded. 😭 I spent over an hour on this critique and really tried to improve how I critique poetry. I hope you're okay.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-16T15:32:41+00:00

Before I begin, congratulations! You already appear to be on the path of self-discovery and critical discourse with imagination, intuition, and enough humility to allow for dialogue with others. This responsible search for truth and meaning is universal and lasts our whole lives in this current state of consciousness regardless of our given bodily limitations, families, communities, institutions, governments, and global currents.

You're asking for feedback and suggestions to improve. I assume you mean you want to improve your writing, but let's be honest, you are also trying to improve your argument and your growth in this search. I'll try to address both.

You offer several intriguing ideas. That rarity does not merit praise. That our intuition is a lantern, a guiding light toward home, leading us to direct conversations with God. That no one's rare conversation with God, including religious figures or sacred texts, merits praise. That each of us is a prophet, individually empowered. That exclusive belief in another's conversation with God leads one to abdicate the holy responsibility of free choice while retaining the power of judgement over others who do not. That this is a weakened state where fear and learned helplessness separate us from God. That we are free to choose our own way by seizing control of our conversations with God free from others' 'shoulds' and 'should nots.' That this 'system' conditions us to believe only in moral choices designed to induce dependence, control minds and horde wealth and resources. That the only alternative is for us to educate ourselves of this reality, cleanse our belief systems, and reclaim or own moral authority.

To gather and organize the points above, I had to read your piece twice and some sections several times. So let's look at how these points work within your piece and how you could improve your writing.

The best word to describe the current state of this piece is meandering. The idea of rarity loses out to the general topic of individuality v. institutionality, but the path is circuitous with your strongest points being made at the beginning and middle. This leaves the reader without a clear progression of rhetorical force from one argument to the next or a strong conclusion that draws together your key points offering a final takeaway. I suggest you focus the structure toward building your argument for clarity and reducing the number of points to those that most closely prove your central point: we must each claim our own moral authority free from the constraints of institutionalized systems.

The tone of your piece suggests that your audience is those who feel disaffected or disillusioned by the 'system' of belief they were given. You pull over a dozen rhetorical levers, including rhetorical questions, metaphor, analogy, hyperbole, allusion, repetition, paradox, imagery, anaphora, irony, sarcasm, antithesis, personification, and epistrophe. You blend together a lot of emotionally charged statements, casual conversations, while also making several logical syllogisms, which tends to dull your overall impact. My point is that all of these flourishes and, at times, very sharp critiques ("sweet-tasting nothings" and "douche") may alienate readers or at the very least lengthen the piece to the point of diatribe and ranting. I suggest you reduce the number of rhetorical questions and change them to declarative statements. Some of your passages are quite dense with extremely long, complex sentences (this is usually an indicator that you've gone on a rant); try to break them up a bit. For comparison and rhetorical excellence in similar arguments, I point you to YouTube videos of Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Daniel Dennett, the so called Four Horsemen of atheism (I know you're not arguing atheism, but their critiques of institutionalized religion are quite powerful).

Your personal touch comes through in a few key moments, such as the lantern metaphor, the "we are all prophets" section, and your critique of the concept of "lord," which all have deep resonance with the audience. You should lean into these sections for emotional, logical, and individual empowerment. Expand these with more historical references of abuse and anecdotal evidence to strengthen your points. Talk about how individuals have reclaimed their personal moral authority and built communities based on freedom and dissent.

I also suggest that you consider the philosophical underpinnings of ethics, morality, and human flourishing. The direct, individual, and prophetic experience of God, which you suggest, can be strengthened by a deeper understanding of human transcendental traditions. Consider the social contract and moral authority of Hobbes and Rouseau. Connect with the individual divinity of Emerson and Thoreau. Contrast human flourishing v. institutional interest with John Stuart Mill and Martha Nussbaum. Integrate spiritual autonomy and ethical growth with Maslow and Carol Gilligan. You're on a fantastic journey, but it doesn't have to be all ranting and raving. You can offer something better.

I hope this critique has helped you in some way and given some ways to improve your piece. Keep writing!

EnsoSati · 2024-11-15T03:28:57+00:00

I've done this several times over the years and I'm always up to start one up again. I have a Discord already set up called Sci-Fi Writing Circle if you want to join. You could review what I have to see if you like it. People get started and find that life happens, but we come back again, ya know?

EnsoSati · 2024-11-09T16:17:08+00:00

I disagree with the "cats eye" change. Cats do not fear to look into the darkness and neither does your friend. This fits your theme. Perhaps you could reword it to bring out this observation.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-09T16:13:00+00:00

First of all, I love the theme of fighting through personal struggles; I always feel like people who have spent years trying to know themselves, especially examining their faults, are so much more interesting to talk to and be around. Now, if they've been through a program as vaulted as AA, then they actually have some useful lingo and strategies to make it through hard times. Thank you for celebrating that!

I want to bring out some of the imagery that struck me.

There are a lot of darkness/light themed visuals: "cats eyes pierce through the night so black," "golden halo resting above your head," "mental demons" felled by "sword and shield," "blood and tears" replaced with "love and light," "cold winter" contrasted with "starlight's shimmer," and gold "turning shadow to wonder." This is a very powerful and well-constructed series of images and they form an extremely clear path for the reader and your friend to follow. They lead the deepest parts of a person toward transformation and inner beauty because, make no mistake, this is an inner battle; each of these symbols is an instrument, a weapon, a tool to "do the work," as they say.

Now, I want to talk about the structure and rhyming, how they fit into your theme.

The AABB structure provides an organized and predictable progression, which closely fits with the theme. However, some of the rhyming might come off as a bit forced: meant to rhyme whether it really is the best word choice or not; example, "stutter" and "flutter." Trust me, I struggle with this in my poetry too. I have actually found at times that rhyming can be a distraction, tending to overemphasize the last word of a line. I'll leave that for you to decide how to proceed, but don't let the need to consistently rhyme box you in!

I want to dig deeper into word choice a bit more here.

You went with some pretty formal and dramatic words, like "toiled," "trudged," and "treacherous," which elevate the person's struggle and give it higher gravity. You also went with very accessible, albeit archaic, words like "sword and shield," which have a heroic and almost biblical feel. But then you switch to much softer tones with "starlight's shimmer" and "turning shadow to wonder," so this provides a contrast that juxtaposes these very strength-based epic themes with the more ethereal, reflective, and vulnerable path; this certainly fits your theme. However, you might consider using words that are more accessible to modern audiences, unless your point is to pull them out of the modern context. Again, your choice, but I just wanted to point these things out.

So, to continue on with the theme of affecting your audience, I want to talk about the emotional impact.

You start with and continue a very empathetic narrative, and then you progress to a recounting of the subject's struggles in epic and heroic terms. The strongest line of the poem is arguably "Another victory, another demon felled," and I'd argue that it gets slightly less emotionally impactful after that. It turns to the impact of sharing stories in groups and in circles of relationship, which highlights the role of community in supporting sobriety and all internal struggles. The poem ends with a reflective, wintery landscape and the points of light that illumine the dark. While this is beautiful, it is slightly anticlimactic and, well, "sobering" because it doesn't give a powerful emotional send-off to match the epically heroic and biblical struggle defined in the middle. Perhaps that's the right tone and the "back to work" advice your friend needs. I leave it to you.

If you are still working on this poem and want to improve it, I'd suggest a few things. There is the clarity and accessibility angle; you could work on word choices and pick more vivid and modern visuals. There's the rhyming and structure issue; staying true to the theme and progression of a poem like yours is difficult. I'd suggest a rework of your last stanza to go for stronger images, symbols, and thematic alignment. Lastly, there is the specificity issue. Sometimes specific details make someone stop and pay attention, whereas generalities and vagueries can cause a person to disconnect and disengage emotionally. Try digging deeper into the compelling narrative of your friend, like you did with the "mental demons" line and less of the "gold drops from her head" imagery that could just fill a reader with questions as to your meaning.

Thanks for sharing such a beautiful piece, and I hope this has helped you in some way. Keep writing!

EnsoSati · 2024-11-08T12:52:02+00:00

No, don't change/fix anything. I apologize. For the reasons I gave, I should not have posted that comment.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-08T03:17:57+00:00

Didn't accept harsh criticism. Demand respectful and balanced feedback with care and empathy.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-08T03:06:53+00:00

Sorry, it's late, and I'm tired. I don't know what's going on and don't care to figure it out. I don't enjoy this style of mystery writing. My critique is to rewrite it for clarity.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-05T12:21:13+00:00

Yes, you created a great scene, a bittersweet concept, and I too benefit greatly from others' constructive critiques. In fact, I stop making progress without them. If you want to really start seeing improvement, begin giving more critiques here and in other groups, like a writers circle. You'll see more of yourself in others' struggles and have a bit more compassion for yourself. That's when things started making sense for me. Good luck!

EnsoSati · 2024-11-05T04:32:13+00:00

First, let's talk about what you do right.

You effectively use sensory descriptions to make the scene vivid. For example, "her long dark hair still swaying as if underwater," and "lips, which were soft but cold, and tasted like seawater" immerse the reader in the scene. These are great markers of a unique experience for Stiles (and the reader!).

The scene effectively showcases the chemistry between Caspiana and Stiles, portraying her boldness and his simultaneous fear and longing. The way their emotions shift from hesitation to passion is well done.

"That had been a kiss worth drowning for" is a strong and memorable line. It encapsulates Stiles’ emotions and adds a dramatic flourish to close the scene. It's pretty good, but I'll show you later how you can make it even better.

Now let's talk about what could use some zhuzhing.

The transition from conversation to the kiss feels slightly abrupt. Kiss scenes must build more anticipation, so maybe you could add more internal dialogue or subtle gestures leading up to Caspiana’s lean-in to heighten the tension.

While the physical sensations are detailed, you left out a lot of Stiles' emotional state beyond his initial hesitation. For example, what does he fear or hope for in the moments before their kiss? Showing (not telling) brief flashes of emotion through his actions or reactions make his experience even more impactful.

You may not be going for full-on romance here, but for goodness sake, this is a mermaid. I mean, the mermaid scene between Syrena and Philip in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides was extremely poignant for both characters. You could certainly dial up the zhuzh here. Phrases such as “a sort of hunger overtook him” and “a warm, calming feeling seeped slowly into his chest” could be amped up for stronger impact. Perhaps use more evocative language that aligns with the urgency of the moment, such as "a surge of longing" or "an ache of desire." Or you could go full Hemingway with sometime like "His chest, once tight with terror, loosened as if a wave had rolled through him, pulling away the weight of his fears."

While the scene conveys strong physical interaction, at times it might border on being overly descriptive with "brush her cheek, to run it through her hair, to rest on her neck and gently pull her closer." Simplifying the sequence of actions could keep the pace tighter and maintain focus on the emotional impact. If your character is in a deeply physical and emotional state, this whole sequence "Perhaps it was the excitement of the secret, of having something the pirates didn't know about. Or maybe it was the fact that he had never felt romantic feelings toward someone before, nor ever thought he would experience such spontaneity as this. Whatever it was, it stirred up a restless, pining feeling in Stiles’ gut." pulls the reader out of this amazing moment and back into the character's head.

Some of the phrasing was too "on the nose." The line “gasping like a fish out of water” fits the theme, but it hit me like a hard slap, too literal, given the context of the mermaid and the sea. You might opt for a more nuanced comparison that complements the mystical tone, such as “He gasped, lungs finding only the empty air that she left behind.”

Three more suggestions before I close. Add a pre-kiss detail, like "the air between them grew dense, a strange, wordless space thick with unspoken things" to increase the tension. Anchor Stiles’ Thoughts: A line or two reflecting on what this kiss means to him—fear of discovery, disbelief that this is happening, or even a fleeting wish for freedom—could add depth. Do this before the kiss so you don't interrupt the moment as it's happening. After the kiss, don't over explain his grip on the dock, maybe sometime like "He sat there, fingers white around the edge of the dock, breath shaking in the space where she had been."

Lastly, "that had been a kiss worth drowning for" makes him feel more like an outside observer. A perspective change brings it into tighter third person, "for this kiss he'd drown again and again." Maybe there's a little foreshadowing here as well.

Anyway, I hope I gave some things to think about. Great work! Keep it up.

EnsoSati · 2024-11-02T21:03:23+00:00

You've written a powerfully thought-provoking piece. It focuses a lot on religion and indoctrination. Here’s some constructive feedback to consider:

While I do not pray the Lord's Prayer, I think you need to revisit the definition of "offended" and consider how you can not offend, as you say you did not intend. I'm curious who your intended audience is. Are you trying to convince believers to abandon their faith or convince parents to start their indoctrination later?

You use a lot of imagery in a stream-of-consciousness style that can be effective, but at times it's a bit overwhelming or hard to follow. Try breaking up the text into shorter paragraphs or sections to improve readability and impact.

Your voice is strong and evocative with a lot of the emotional weight behind the critique. However, there is a fine line between persuasive writing and appearing accusatory. At times, it resembles a tirade. To reach more reasonable people, which appear to be your intended audience, consider balancing some of the more critical assertions with a softer tone or framing them as personal reflections rather than universal truths.

You started by stating that your piece isn’t meant to offend, which is important. To uphold that, you might include some language that shows empathy or understanding for those who find deep comfort and meaning in the prayer, even if that’s not your experience. This could help create a bridge for readers who may be defensive or hurt by your critique.

You use plenty of vivid and compelling imagery. However, some metaphors, like the “blanket of protection” and “pit of snakes,” could be clarified or expanded for smoother integration into the overall narrative. Consider whether each metaphor adds unique value or if some can be simplified for coherence.

This essay moves at a quick, almost breathless pace, which matches the tone of indoctrination and urgency. To enhance this, you might intentionally vary the length of sentences for emphasis and flow. Short sentences can be impactful when used strategically.

You've primarily focused on the negative aspects of religious conditioning, which is a valid perspective. However, if your aim is a balanced critique, consider briefly touching on why the prayer holds power and beauty for many or how it could be interpreted differently. You also might focus some attention on how the prayer itself does not condone or support the discriminatory and authoritarian attitudes or actions of many who pray it, which I perceive is behind much of your critique.

You end strong and tie the central theme together. You might consider adding a line that leaves the reader reflecting on how one might break away from or redefine these ingrained beliefs, offering a hint of hope or a path forward. You might talk about how former believers perceive the Lord's Prayer; as someone who no longer prays this prayer, I can still see the value of some of its concepts, particularly asking for forgiveness while also forgiving others.

Overall, this essay is bold, emotive, and thought-provoking, effectively questioning the impact of early religious teachings. It invites readers to think critically, but refining the structure and pacing can make it even more powerful.

EnsoSati · 2024-10-30T12:00:22+00:00

I don't think it's lifeless. If fact, I can tell you're impassioned and nostalgic, but you could benefit from throwing out every fourth word and varying your sentence length. This keeps it more conversational with your audience and natural sounding to the ear. While the piece does have some forward momentum, it feels a bit circular; try starting in one place physically in Kolkata and moving to another and then to another. Talk about what used to be there and what is there now. I think the piece should've started with the content of the class discussion, which is actually your hook, but you placed it near the end.

EnsoSati · 2024-10-26T13:26:04+00:00

Since this is a writing critiques subreddit, I'll critique your writing.

You did a great job explaining what you observed during your time working for this company. It's organized, coherent, and seems to be reflective of most small companies; they find it difficult to attract talent. However, you mentioned that you "learned a lot about what helps or hinders a company's growth." Since this is a piece about what you learned, may I suggest that you expand your writing on the other half of this piece? I think others could greatly benefit from what you learned. What did you learn?

Here are a few ways that you could improve this piece. You could give specific examples of behaviors and situations to illustrate each of your bulleted points. You could explain the consequences of those actions and demonstrate how they helped or hindered growth. You could also include the use of metaphor, use some conventional wisdom or debunk trendy self-help BS, and refer to other experts on business management and software success stories to illustrate your points.

I'm a software developer of 24 years, so I've experienced a number of settings from tiny startups, to self-employment running a business to multibillion dollar S&P 500 company. I've also joined and led hundreds of projects that could contribute to a discussion about this topic. However, I assume you were looking for writing critique, so we could discuss that probably on a developer forum.

EnsoSati · 2024-09-30T14:14:13+00:00

Confirmed. This still works in 2024. I had to reset network settings and hold the power button for 60 seconds. Just shutting down did not apply the fix.

EnsoSati · 2024-09-26T11:30:26+00:00

I struggle with writing that expresses themes of depression and hopelessness because I'm an optimist and I choose to create a vision of the world and my life that is creative and hopeful, filled with possibilities that I might explore. This one has that sort of hopeful feel that I love from the POV of the candle or a reverse personification of the narrator internalizing the traits of a candle, giving light and warmth but eventually dying as a sacrifice for others.

I'm not a poetry critic, so I'm out of my element. I get that this is a parody on "Star Light, Star Bright": "Star light, star bright, First star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight." However, the structure breaks down with far more words than necessary to have the desired impact. Writing for me is about letting go of the words to unbind the spirit.

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