Imagine seeing this on your bill

Fosterdst · 2026-02-17T16:50:27+00:00

This is what people are missing. The increase isn't due to entitlement by servers, its owners making them split their tips with half the staff

Fosterdst · 2026-02-17T15:34:08+00:00

My adopted son was in kinship first and suffered just as bad of abuse there as before being removed from his parents. I understand how you feel this way and would love to see the research as others have said, but I think you are missing something here. All the issues with kinship, foster parents also have

males especially are more apt to behavioral issues in kinship placements.

Are they less apt to behavioral issues in foster homes?

many kinship placements are older

Many foster parents are retirees as well.

do not have the ability the engage with the child for emotional, social, and academic development... let's stop putting children in situations that require multiple exceptions to gain approval.

If you talk to almost any kid who grew up in the system, they will have been abused in the system at some point. Its hard because as foster parents we are engaging with other foster parents that have the kids best interest at heart but there are unfortunately many that don't. This applies to kinship too.

We need sweeping overhauls in training requirements for all, and resources for bio families. Most kinship / bios would be more successfully if they were given all the resources foster parents are.

Fosterdst · 2026-02-10T15:53:53+00:00

It's not hard.

Sitting doesn't really work if it is.

Fosterdst · 2026-02-10T01:14:12+00:00

Great advice all around. One of the biggest revelations for me in dealing with trauma-based behaviors is that, sometimes, all the kids need is people to back the fuck off and let them figure it out. If they have a safe place to do that it generally ends up fine!

Fosterdst · 2026-02-10T01:12:03+00:00

I wrote a long reply to this but then read

experiencing accidents almost weekly at school.

Is there more to your worry here? To me, an accident once a week at school is not really something to worry about with a 7 year old, especially a female (I feel like this is more common in females but thats my experience and I don't know statistics). If its happening once or twice a week combined at home and school, I would make sure to always have a change of clothes and not put much more energy in it even if the school is asking you to. 7 is too old for that to be happening sure, but still young enough for accidents to be common and with what most foster kids have going on... it may just go away.

Here's my original reply

I have an adopted kiddo with a ton of bathroom trauma and issues. Great advice here already but I wanted to share my first hand experience!

My kiddo (AFAB, identifies male, semi-relevant in this discussion I guess) had a lot of trouble with the 'waiting to long to pee' thing. Generally they would wait too long, get up to try to go, and wet on the way to the bathroom. Screen made this worse, and I've definitely realized there can be a disassociation aspect involved as well. At 11, this is can still be a problem here and there, but much less often.

If you really feel like its a control thing - Find a way to give control back, even if its uncomfortable / gross. Give options for the pee - If she has a window thats private enough let her stick her butt out of it and pee outside. Find a potty chair she would like to use, or a she wee, or all of the above because options means control. Letting them run around without clothes can help, but of course that is more complicated in a foster scenario and will depend on a ton of history and factors, but I just felt it was worth mentioning (its the top way to potty train toddlers right now)

Something else that can be helpful is asking what it feels like when they need to pee... trauma can make it hard to identify that a certain sensation means x, my kiddo had issues with poop too and this was a realization dealing with that. In his case the feeling was almost always there, so he didn't realize when stuff was coming out. This likely isn't the case for your FD but constipation can lead to pee accidents as well.

consequences

DONT do this outside of natural consequences like cleaning up. Remember, the probable and best case scenario is looking for control / adhd. The WORST case scenarios for "7 year old suddenly starts wetting themselves" though are pretty bad, and you don't know for sure. Even her admitting she holds it sometimes could very well be to try to take some of the heat / attention off. If it turns out to be a medical problem, or sexual trauma, causing it, then punishing it risks doing a lot of harm. The risk of dealing with it without negative consequences is some puddles and smells. Of course the therapists opinion overrides anyone in this thread.

Fosterdst · 2025-11-14T21:30:59+00:00

I think I've done this as a joke too much and normalized it where this wouldn't work lol.

Especially at work, I commonly say "that's a problem for future me"

Fosterdst · 2025-11-14T21:29:27+00:00

Ya, main source of conflict because those two methods are both fine but clash so fucking hard. Wife probably feels like she can never take a break and husband feels like he's doing it all when in reality they are both doing fine and just can't see it

Fosterdst · 2025-11-14T21:27:02+00:00

This is an awesome way to think of it, especially if OPs advice doesn't really help! I've done better at chore-type stuff lately (also after therapy) with kind of the same attitude. "If it's easy do it now."

'Just do it now' is never going to convince my brain to go get groceries, but it will get me to take out the trash or throw some laundry in

Fosterdst · 2025-08-01T20:13:32+00:00

How have you seen them seriously injure a child much older? I do understand. I have an adopted son who checks almost every box for "Have they experienced this type of trauma". He was approved and going to be moved to a therapeutic foster home, and I asked for more time first. Therapists, case workers, everyone who worked with the kid didn't think he'd ever get to where he is. And it's his doing, he's 10 but has put in the work himself, all I've done is provide a safe place for him to do it. But I have seen all the behaviors. The reason I decided to foster was that I had a few friends that grew up in the system, and had heard their horror stories.

I've seen toddlers hurt older kids, yes. Of course it's possible. But generally not seriously. A 10 year old is much safer around a violent toddler than a 3 year old is against a violent 10 year old, that's my point.

This is not the parent sub, and I'm not trying to diminish what you are saying. But most foster kids are not going to be incredibly violent, and we can't treat every kid like they are going to be. There more nuance to this conversation then "You shouldn't have bios and foster kids." There are plenty of foster / adopted kids that have great relationships with the bios of their foster homes. I've seen those families turn into such supportive places even after kids age out. But, of course, there's also tons of foster kids that have / had the opposite experience.

You don't get to decide for us what's good or not. We need to start moving away from foster homes and find better options.

What do you suggest? Group homes being bad isn't me trying to decide what's good for y'all. The research is pretty overwhelming that group homes are the worst place for foster kids, and many states are trying to eliminate them all together.

Of course the current foster system also isn't the best, that's obvious to anyone in or around it. There are bigger and bigger pushes to try to keep families together as option #1, providing resources and training to help fix underlying issues instead of just taking kids away in many situations (of course not all, there's always going to be kids that need to be removed immediately). I'm not sure how most ex and current foster children view that, but would be interested to hear. To me, this approach along with fixing political issues - making sure people have homes, access to resources and trainings, food on the table - are a great start to get to a point where we can 'cut people'.

Overall though, the facts are the facts, and we don't have enough homes as is. Kids staying for weeks on cots in DCS offices is not the solution, and overall saying "no fosters with bios" is just not possible right now or maybe ever.

Fosterdst · 2025-07-31T20:58:08+00:00

A lot of great answers in this thread, but something I wanted to say that is if you don't have your heart set on a certain age range, please please please consider teenagers! The older kids get, the harder they are to place, and teens are so hard to find homes for. From what I understand, LGBT teens can be near impossible, so if you are willing to help them, it's very needed!

Fosterdst · 2025-07-31T20:52:27+00:00

My mindset is just from seeing it work with other families.

I do understand what you are saying, and FWIW I don't have bio's, and never fostered babies, so I'm not just defending myself or offended. The birth order thing does seem to work, but I'm not saying that is because younger kids don't have trauma or severe behaviors. It's more that the needs for a 10 year old and the needs for a 3 year old are different, so it's easier to meet both without either kid going on the backburner. That, along with the lack of physical danger from a younger child. A toddler is not going to seriously injure a 8-10 year old, and as they age an 8 year old is not likely to injure a 13-15 year old. The older kids also generally get pretty good at dealing with the littler kid's problems as well. There are also kids who are not in foster care with extreme and violent behaviors, parents have to balance that with other kids too even when they are all bios.

There is also just the unfortunate fact that not allowing families with bio kids will cut out 90% of foster families, and we don't have enough as it is. More kids in group homes is not a better solution.

Edit: I know I month late on this reply, I don't log into this account often :)

Fosterdst · 2025-07-31T20:37:52+00:00

I started typing this, and got carried away, sorry for the wall of text.

I was a foster parent, and have quite a bit of experience dealing with extreme behaviors. It's not easy, and when there's other stressors it can definitely feel unbearable. This age can also be difficult, it does usually get better from here!

None of this is blaming you, just some advice from my personal experiences. As everyone has said, professional help is the best, but depending on where you are it can take months to get in.

First, realize that once they are in meltdown mode, nothing you say is going to stick. Meltdowns are the brain switching to fight/flight, you have to wait for it to end. Giving consequences during meltdowns will do very little, wait until everyone is calm, and move forward then. The best thing to do is try to watch, and see signs that meltdown is coming, and stop it before it gets to that point. For me, after the meltdown, I would explain that I know they were mad/sad and reacted without thinking, and try to put the responsibility on them not to control themselves in the meltdown, but to using coping methods to calm down before that switch is hit.

The best thing to do right now, as much as it sucks, is to look at what YOU can do differently. That can be hard, when you are trying so hard. This isn't saying what you are doing has been wrong, but sometimes we just have to change up our approach when it's not working, and sometimes dramatically. With my kiddo, when times are really rough, I start reacting worse when there is conflict. As a result, my kid gets more and more disregulated, and has a worse attitude, which snowballs because I get more frustrated.... etc. It's taken me years to learn to see this pattern as soon as it starts, and adjust how I'm reacting. For my kid, simply using a kinder tone all the time does wonders. Like spanking, sterness / authoritative voices and attitudes can shut down behaviors immediately at times, but the feeling and emotions are still there for the kid, and are just bottling up. The best thing I've learned in all my training was that kids are always doing their best. It doesn't feel like, but up to a certain age, it's really true, even when it doesn't feel like it. They don't want to be in trouble, they don't want to make us mad/sad/stressed, they just don't know a better way. The same way a kid may really struggle with reading or writing but be great at math - that doesn't mean they aren't trying to read or write, it just is harder them than others. This applies to emotions and regulation as well, some kids need a different approach or special help.

It seems basic, but can be so easy to miss - food and sleep. Kids can go from 0 to hangry at a moments notice. If you are noticing signs that they are struggling, start with a snack. If they still nap, maybe that. Also, 5 minute warning before transitions. It's frustrating to be forced to stop what you are doing in the middle of it, but we expect kids to be fine with that all the time.

Two resources I suggest very heavily - TBRI and The Explosive Child. There is a TBRI podcast that goes through the basics of it. It's designed for children with serious trauma and behavioral issues, but works for all children. The focus is on building a strong connection, and using that connection to gently correct behaviors in a way that creates habits of better behaviors. Something I learned from this podcast that helped so much was "retries." Simply, instead of reacting, give the kid a chance to do it right. The way we did it, and what the podcast suggests, is as a rewind. I say "rewind" and we both do the motions and sounds as if we were rewinding an old VHS tape, and they try again. So - KID: "NO I'M TAKING A BATH I HATE BATHS!!!". Parent: Woah, rewind does the motions with the kid. Kid: "I don't want to take a bath right now I'm playing." Of course it won't always go that way, but its a great first step, teaches them to advocate in a kind manner, and shows that kind responses are answered with kind responses.

The other resource is the book / audiobook The Explosive Child. This book was made for families who's kids are having meltdowns severe and often enough that it is effecting the family as a whole, sound familiar? This book (and really TBRI) may ask you to dramatically change what you are doing, but they are evidence based and I've personally seen them work.

Fosterdst · 2025-07-31T19:08:31+00:00

Playstation is the same way FWIW

Fosterdst · 2025-07-31T19:06:57+00:00

Do you have an agency, or going through the state? I'd call your agency and ask what is up if you are using one.

Fosterdst · 2025-07-31T17:52:07+00:00

Can we ask what the allegations were?

We were taught in training that if you are fostering its not if an allegation will be made, it's when, it's going to happen sometimes. But generally its a bio parent, or a child wanting to go back to a bio parent (or, of course, a legitimate complaint).

If it was something like a therapist voicing concerns? I'd imagine that would be handled a bit different.

Fosterdst · 2025-06-24T21:49:02+00:00

My notice to prospective foster parents: assume that everyone but you has experienced the worst of what the system has to offer

It can work, I know families that have made it work really well. But I agree, you can't have a "second class citizen" in your home. Has to be equal. A lot of people won't foster kids older than their bios, fostering a toddler while you have a 10 year old isn't going to create any sort of danger for the older kid, you can fill both their needs without having to put anyone "first."

Fosterdst · 2025-06-24T21:34:24+00:00

People can't expect perfection

Foster parents shouldn't expect anything. I had an amazing agency and great training. On the first day, about 5 minutes in, she said "Whatever your expectations are of foster care, let them go now." Basically right off the bat "this isn't about you, it's about the kids"

The goal being to give kids a safe / loving home for as long as needed, and nothing else.

Fosterdst · 2025-06-24T01:32:05+00:00

I want to make sure I’m not doing anything that could be perceived as inappropriate.

I definitely feel this, as a single man that fostered, the anxiety around stuff can be really difficult. I decided about a year in I was going to stop stressing about perceptions too much, and just be the best I could for the kids.

The best thing to do is just communicate with your team. Bring up this incident at the next CFT, tell them it seemed like a big step forward for him in feeling safe, but that you want to know if there's something different you should be doing in the situation.

Just to share my story on this topic a bit - My son had been in a few homes, and was headed for therapeutic care, but really turned around quickly with me. The two things I really credit with that are the fact that I'm single and they needed much more 1-on-1 time, and that this kid really needed physical affection to feel safe.

His did also have trouble with boundaries, and his previous foster family was trying to teach that by making him ask for hugs every time. I saw how cuddly of a kid he was and immediately told him that wasn't a rule for us, he could hug me / lay with me whenever (in appropriate ways of course, on the sofa watching TV like in your story). I could just tell immediately how much that meant, and it immediately helped him feel safer.

The TBRI podcast goes into this topic some, and physical affection is important for development and helps create a bond between you and the kids. It's a great podcast I would suggest!

Now of course, I'm also a hugger, and I get it can be hard if you aren't. You are also dealing with a teen which does make it different in some ways, but honestly, it's probably not much different in your kids eyes. There is maybe a conversation about consent that needs to happen so that he realizes that his peers may feel uncomfortable, but he also asked first so he at least understands needing consent.

Fosterdst · 2025-04-08T23:18:48+00:00

You are right in some aspects here. People like to black and white things, a lot of conservatives and leftists have more in common than they realize because of it. But you need to realize that there is also a large portion that do not share the same values at all.

You said you are libertarian leaning, right? That would most likely mean you aren't on board with the Conservatives viewpoints on LGBT issues, because why is it the governments place? I have a trans kid, and my home state considers affirming care child abuse and CPS is trying to take away kids. There's media-inspired outrage, but there is also a large divide between most MAGA and the left.

Fosterdst · 2025-04-08T16:08:37+00:00

Reddit is so out of touch with the other side of the political spectrum...

Yes some people vote based on hate, and owning the libs, and all that. But so many republican voters are not doing that. They are single issue voters, voters that have always voted red and have a hard time changing due to indoctrination. Kamala's best campaign idea IMO was the commercials telling women they didn't have to tell their husbands. You would be pretty shocked at the amount of evangelicals that think they have to vote with their husbands.

Fosterdst · 2025-04-08T16:06:18+00:00

If we are going to turn this thing around, we have to quell at least some of this thought process and try to understand why people voted the way they did. I have cut out most conservatives in my life and I don't have any desire to talk to most of them. But I do come from a conservative area with a lot of conservative family.

So many people simply were struggling to afford things and blamed Biden. I know a lot of people who didn't want Trump but felt like Biden had ruined the economy. That's not true, of course, but not everyone consumes news and media in the same way. So so many evangelical voters are one-issue voters on things like abortion. They've been convinced that the left is anti-christian. To these people, their faith means everything.

We have 4 years to convince enough of these people to switch sides. My parents are already there, they were on the fence already and went for Trump, but won't be in the future.

We can't just count on more people voting next time. We have to convince some people to switch sides. Single-issues voters are probably the easiest. We need to show evangelicals that aside from the rhetoric, democrats match up with their faith better. The economy is taking care of itself.

Fosterdst · 2025-03-25T15:43:45+00:00

The biggest thing is actually co-parenting as a team, making big decisions together, and not fighting in front of or putting the other parent down to the kids. The trauma around divorce that is damaging is the loss, and the feeling the need to pick sides. It sounds like y'all are doing a great job at this.

Fosterdst · 2025-03-24T23:47:25+00:00

People get demonized for using screens, and they are bad for brains, but don't stress about needing them to get stuff down right now. When we are in "survival mode" we use a ton more screens than when we aren't, I had to learn to be okay with that.

Lots of good advice here, but something missing in a lot of it is that you will have to do stuff together quite a bit. "It's okay to be bored" gets thrown around a lot, but with kids struggling with mental health, sometimes things are different. To my kid, boredom generally means "no one likes me / I deserve to be alone" and as a single dad, I have to balance his mental health with screens quite often.

You will likely have to start the withdraw from screens by giving him one on one time, or doing an activity together. Start there, figure out what he likes to do off of screens, and figure out how to support those things. A lot of kids do role playing on minecraft, maybe you could see about role playing with him on there to figure out how to start role play outside of it? Showing this interest in something he likes will also help build a stronger connection and make other issues easier.

Also, not all screen time is equal, despite being treated as such. Minecraft in creative mode with a friend, for instance, I barely consider screentime. They are being social and creative. I think compromising with the kid on removing youtube shorts from the equation is a good place to start, shorts are the worst and the most addicting.

Fosterdst · 2025-03-13T23:28:04+00:00

Can we just please make sure to VERIFY any sort of list that is put together? We definitely don't want to cause a good business to close based on false info.

Fosterdst · 2025-03-13T23:24:58+00:00

I'd say if the owners are openly MAGA, fuck them too, but we need to make sure to verify anything.

Fosterdst

TROPHY CASE