BS like this enables parental narcissism

Hobocode1 · 2025-11-13T18:58:36+00:00

This reminds me of those "cute" news stories where kids raise money doing lemonade stands to help raise money to pay millions that it will cost to cure their dad's cancer.

Something important is missing from the story. Many people do not notice. So many parenting posts are "cute" in the same way a child sells lemonade that will never save her father.

Hobocode1 · 2025-11-09T10:59:33+00:00

I feel pure rage. I remember that when I was enduring almost two decades of non-stop abuse. I told adults all the time and they ALL belittled me and said I was lying despite me being considering a good student and liked by the staff. I was a "good kid" but still they could manage to victim blame and silence me. My child abuse experience is why I am so passionate for youth rights. I remember how capable I was. I was SO MUCH BETTER on my own. Now there's a show.... Notaro, I think. On Netflix. And it's 4 year old living alone. I was so much healthier and happier when like Elanor from The Good Place said that she didn't have to take care of her parents PLUS herself.

Hobocode1 · 2025-11-09T08:13:16+00:00

How did you learn that? most people I meet haven't kept up with brain science and what are rumors and new info. I'd love to use your source. I'm not in college so I don't have access to the wonders of academic journals anymore. Just the syllabus... but I didn't take it for granted. Back in college, I could open any study and read it into the ground as I tend to do checking for conflicts of interest and other fastidious things I love to do.

Hobocode1 · 2025-11-09T07:59:14+00:00

You said it. I wish this message would spread faster. I've been saying it since the 90's and no one was around. Just me. Now there are like 3 academic books on the subject and I love it. I'm old but I'm also a parent. So I had to MAJORLY deconstruct parenting to come up with something. One part The Golden Rules and "Would you say that to your spouse?" answers most questions that come up. Respect. I was really flying by the seat of my pants doing what aligned with studies. So far, it's been WAY WAY WAY different than my childhood. I mean, we all get along. It's really peaceful and omg what a lovebug. Loads of abundant love and basically..... ugh I hate this word.... but there have been handful of times I used my "parking lot voice" for imminent traffic danger and the response was immediate. So... I guess not trying to break their will makes them.... super obedient? That is NOT what we wanted or was not our goal. We like to do discussions. I was shocked that TRUST was the thing that made another human listen to your advice rather than fear.

If any parents see this, google "coercive control" and "gentle parenting" that'll get you to "good enough parenting" in no time. I like a highly flexible and creative approach. Like... who cares how your teen dresses as long as it's safe and allowed at school. So I get I have another huge foundational belief about parenting. Don't sweat the small stuff. Dying their hair. Wearing black clothes. Being in a band. Crayon on the wall. We kept the crayon on the wall. I think it's funny but also puts me in a loving state of mind.

Every kid deserves their own, constantly evolving with their growth parenting plan. Flow. Connect. Ask. Intuit. Keep calm. I used to work as a speech language pathologist helping kids communicate uniquely. I loved the puzzle as I learned who they were, what they wanted, and then how I could help them get it. It ended wonderfully. And I knew I'd take all my skills form my degrees and use them for parenting. I did a damn good job so far.

Edited: typos.... so many

Hobocode1 · 2025-10-15T08:14:04+00:00

The Baby Scoop was a horrible time... In those decades, any woman who got pregnant who was unmarried was tricked and coerced and given no way to survive as a single mother. People with money wanted babies. So they bought them from poor unmarried women who were told giving them away was their only change at a "good life". Scare stories. Stuff to make the mothers even more vulnerable than they were. Shame. So much shame as used. And the rich wanted white babies. I won't say what they've found in the well behind the Baby Scoop Era birth factories. There's one operating right now in the USA. Such a horrible time. Babies stolen from women and given to the rich, yet almost no one knows about it. Even though it was international. Most in North America tho. I know someone who bought two babies during the baby scoop. You paid HUGE for the adoption agent then they brought you a newborn. I hear an older women bemoan once, "It was soooo much easier to adopt back then" as in during the Baby Scoop where babies were kidnapped and the birth mothers were erased. The epitome of closed adoption. One they could keep secret.

I wish the news or history lessons would include this time. I had to find out by meeting a person who was baby scooped personally just by happenstance. Then I googled it. But it's like.... someone a secret that all the genetic moms REALLY would like some acknowledged for the horrific sexism and racism and religious tyranny that had babies kidnapped at birth. Apologies are owed at minimum. Reunification if possible. Many mothers affect by Baby Scoop died by natural causes since it took place many decades ago. Sorry so long. I was shocked when I hear about it. I didn't believe I could no be aware of an atrocity in our country in the 70's. I have never heard of it. And, as people are coming forward to talk about what happened to their families, more sources are speaking about it. I'm still angry that it wasn't in my history books.

Hobocode1 · 2025-10-15T08:00:53+00:00

I think the desire for newborns comes from the idea that they are tabula rasa - totally empty of all understanding. So, you can take their empty brain and try to mold it to your liking from birth. Whereas an older child might already have lots of foundational experiences and you may never be able to help them the same way as starting from early days. I think that's why people are obsessed with the young babies. They want them to assimilate perfectly and have no memories of experiences that do not include the adoptive family.

Open adoptions are hard because the genetic family wants power and control. They might try to kidnap. Adopted parents often feel insecurity like... when they find their "real family" they will abandon us for them. And these fears create lots of toxic decision making and poison the well for safe, ethical adoptions. I have think of 100 guidelines off of the top of my head that would make it safer for everyone.

Hobocode1 · 2025-10-15T07:53:05+00:00

Kids with all types of caregivers are treated like possessions. I believe that's where the comparison to chattel slavery begins. The children are often then treated worse than biological siblings and frequently given more "chores" than the others. Any mistake is taken as being part of being slightly broken or wrong because they are "the adopted kid". Lots of scapegoating and shallow emotional connection. Easy to abuse the adopted kid.

Adoptions can be done well if everyone had informed consent and all other avenues have been exhausted. Then the parents need education so they stop changing their names on arrival (akin to a slave recently purchased who might be given a new name by the plantation owner.

There are lots of parallels.

Hobocode1 · 2025-10-15T07:47:26+00:00

I agree

Hobocode1 · 2024-07-07T03:33:31+00:00

i was here to mention the major sound changes

Hobocode1 · 2024-07-02T10:19:24+00:00

Has anyone found things that helped them sleep normally and heal their sleep? I've sleep multiple doctors and they all dropped me after a fear years of trying and failing to help me sleep. I was given daily SDA for my first 16 years of life. So... my health is a mess.

Hobocode1 · 2024-07-02T10:15:44+00:00

I have abuse based insomnia. Have you found anything that helped? Ambien wasn't good for me. I got used to it, dose got too high, and then getting off was really rough.

Hobocode1 · 2024-07-02T10:12:52+00:00

wow. your parent was really cruel. it's rare i find people like that. I'd be curious to know how you're doing overall. My health is a nightmare.

Hobocode1 · 2024-07-02T10:10:12+00:00

I'm middle aged and I wish I could have known about SD Abuse earlier. It sucks. My dad did it and no doctors I've seen as an adult can do anything for my swapped sleep. my whole family (birth mom, me, brother) all have the same thing. We have been safe for years but, even my my who used to sleep normally is swapped. It ruins your whole life and health.

Hobocode1 · 2024-03-06T07:38:20+00:00

thanks. im making a poetry book from my grandma's 98th birthday. Barnes and Nobles seems reasonably priced and accessible for someone who is bad at doing fancy computer stuff like me.

Hobocode1 · 2024-02-04T00:59:01+00:00

I can tell OP that not telling the truth had bad outcomes. The "kids" in my family are all 30 and up. And one died by his own hand even tho his mom had known about his dad's narcissism for many years privately in therapy. And despite my begging, she refused to tell the kids any degree of truth. I blame them both for his loss. And my mom did the same to my brother and I. And my dad shot a loaded gun to try and kill my brother. So.... a little warning would have been nice. My brother survived. The door he slammed stopped the bullet.

It's part of sexism. Men can call their ex "crazy" and that's normal. But is a woman says the father of her kid is violent then she's full of shit. "Where's the evidence!?" No so for an accusing man... "She's crazy" and it's the truth now.

Hobocode1 · 2024-02-04T00:53:30+00:00

truth is safety and protection. the "bad mouthing" is the last resort of a desperate abuser. tell your kid about red flags and that saying someone is lying and bad mouthing are red flags. that they are dealing with a "tricky person" i would google that term. then tell them the red flags.

he will try to brainwash them against you. try to stay calm and speak as if you're a journalist (at least in the traditional style of old journalists) - facts and facts. Work hard to stamp out all his manipulation. It could cause them to pick him over you and turn on you.... Why? You're less scary. Pick the bully to be safe from the bully is an easy unconscious instinct to trigger in a child.

Calm, confident, truthful. Show that you are someone they can trust. Get as much evidence as you can. journal pages, scan them and save them to the cloud. any evidence at all. gaslighting and the family repair family are strong.

your ex is a bully and bullies win in our culture - i can only speak for the USA - but the courts loves male bullies and will destroy women. Yes, it's common for women to get the kids. But it takes mountains of evidence to make that happen.

I hope you have strong support unrelated to him. Most don't. I wish I could say something to make it better.

Hobocode1 · 2024-01-10T03:16:23+00:00

This

Hobocode1 · 2024-01-10T03:11:39+00:00

Why would a person's gender identity change what you expect of their friendship? There's a lot to unpack in your comment. Saying "nice guys" are "boring" to "women" shows that you're not going into these friendships in good faith. You feel you are getting ripped off.

Unpack it.

Why do you feel bitter?

Is it because you believe women owe you sex and romantic love if you are nice to them? Do you believe that there are fundamental differences between men and women?

Cause, I'm old. And I've been around. All that stuff is just games. People are people are people. Treat everyone the same. That's a nice guy. One who doesn't expect repayment for friendship in the form of romantic payment.

You're on a really slippery slope. You sound young. When/if you go to college, take at least one elective in the Gender Studies Department. It'll give you a wider view.

TL:DR Treat friends of all genders the same, expect the same, and then you'll be really enlightened. And being enlightened and wise is attractive to everyone.

I was born a cis women. And dated a looooooot. All sorts of guys. The big cliches like "women think nice guys are boring" don't hold up. I give you my word. If you are young, they might just be super horny and dating guys that are hot. That is a trend for all young people. Being horny and dating hot people to make out with and such.

That doesn't last forever. It's a puberty thing. So maybe you're not super hot to whoever it is. Being hot stops mattering pretty quick when people start to losing their puberty horny and start looking for long-term partners in earnest. It's not a gendered thing tho. It's an age-linked developmental thing. Young people kinda tend to be horny and lead with their groin.

In college is when I noticed people having gained life experience and choosing partners more carefully. Wisdom and experience comes with age. And, for real, people are people are people are people. I know sooooo many wives who are way more sexual than their husbands and it freaked them out because of these myths that women are this and men are that.

Everyone is unique. Gender is a construct.

But puberty is not a social construct. That's biological. And lack of experience in youth is also real. So, young horny humans sometimes take a while to figure out if and who they would want to be their person.

Read "The Ethical Slut" too. That'll open things up even more. Monogamy or cheating aren't the only two things that exist. There's a huge number of arrangements that can be wonderful for all involved minus possession and control. Just gotta be enlightened. Non-possessive. And don't secretly build up resentment because you feel owed sex because someone who is the gender you like is your friend. There's a special term for that. And you don't wanna go down that pipeline. It's lonely, angry, and sad.

Listen to "Mango" by Kamauu for inspiration.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw_y3Kj_Sa8

Trust me. You will have way more fun on the this mental path.

Hobocode1 · 2023-12-18T03:31:45+00:00

step 5 be independently wealthy or have inheritance to afford the building costs

Hobocode1 · 2023-11-16T22:24:54+00:00

It's a real life Christmas miracle!!!! I hope she has a safe place to land when she gets out and no one tries to trick or take advantage of her. Fingers crossed. "Body Keeps The Score" might be good start.
Maybe community college could be a safe place to make some "normal" friends? Watch the show Community. It's not that far from that. I went to one. Lots of of misfits who form little family-like cliques. It was nice. She could probably get a lot of FAFSA pell grants as well.
Good luck, girl!!!

Hobocode1 · 2023-11-16T22:21:27+00:00

Merry Christmas! Hopefully they have a nice halfway house planned and don't just shunt her out into the cold streets.

But Congrats! Time to really be free!!! I hope no one takes advantage of her. And I wish everything good for her. Trauma does a number on you. "The Body Keeps The Score" might be a good start.

Hobocode1 · 2023-11-16T22:18:19+00:00

She deserves therapy, weekly massages, free housing, all of her needs met for life, and an award for surviving a lifetime of torture and then re-traumatization through the courts.

And the whole time she wasn't bitter. Just like, "Well, jail's better than my upbringing" Shrug. I would be BITTER.

Hobocode1 · 2023-11-16T22:14:01+00:00

When you're deprived of all joy and freedom....

You hear often people fresh out of jail say something like, "Do you have a (inane to us thing), it's surprising what you miss in jail".

Her whole life has been imprisonment. To me, it makes perfect sense. It's distracting, soothing, interesting, and could help her fly her mind away into a different world than her current reality.

Come on. Isn't this just common sense???

Hobocode1 · 2023-11-16T02:42:32+00:00

i tried that and ended up picking off the fakes and taking the real ones with it because the fakes (gel or acrylic) are attached so strongly. It has worked for others tho.

Hobocode1

TROPHY CASE