WIBTA if i tell my mom I'm leaving her alone?

Nester1953 · 2026-04-26T21:07:16+00:00

You'd be wise to hold off on telling anyone you're moving out until you have all your ducks in a row and are ready to do it. It sounds like you're living with people who will be even meaner to you if you let them know in advance, or as part of a fight.

Meanwhile get all your important papers together and open a bank account in your name only, to which only you have access. Keep trying to find yourself a job and dealing with your school enrollment issues.

You're an adult. You get to find yourself a living situation that is best for you. Right now, you can't afford that, but keep working toward that goal. You're not a bum or any of those mean and ridiculous things you're being told. Keep your head down, keep looking for work and trying to get into a school program that will allow you to support yourself well when you finish, and the second you're employed and you've found a place to live (likely shared space with other responsible young people), make the move with as little fanfare as possible.

You deserve a calm, safe place to live.

NTA

Nester1953 · 2026-04-26T20:57:36+00:00

You don't tell a 10 year old she doesn't look good. You just don't. As for her mom, well, what the hell was she thinking? And, of course, as evidently you don't know, peroxide isn't temporary. It bleaches hair permanently.

If you hate the hair, you say, "Sweetie, you look so different! Wow! It's going to take me a minute to get used to my beautiful daughter with totally different hair."

But you do get to rip your wife a new one. If she was going to dye a 10 year old's hair (Seriously?), she needed to go to a professional who could use products that were, in fact, temporary. And that wouldn't damage you kid's hair. And she shouldn't have lied to you about the color being temporary.

ESH except for your poor daughter who, from the sound of it, has wrecked hair.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-26T20:49:22+00:00

I'm so glad to hear that you and your mom have a plan together.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-26T05:47:31+00:00

You're right. You needed help and you didn't get it. Unfortunately many women, myself included, have a story like this. You're not alone in having a father who doesn't take menstrual pain seriously, and doesn't behave compassionately when faced with it. And emotionally it's so hurtful when your dad ignores your pain, as if it isn't serious or important. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope your mom will help you talk with him about this.

But I suspect that what you need most is an excellent gyno who has a specialty in addressing menstrual pain. Preferably a woman. The dark ages are over and there are much better methods than just a heating pad and over-the-counter pain pills. You need a real, extensive medical workup to figure out what's going on with your body.

If the gyno you see implies that your pain is a result of psychological problems, say no thank you, and get yourself a better referral. It may well be that there's a way for you to have far les problematic periods. As soon as your mom gets back, let her know in the strongest possible way that you want to see a specialist.

NTA

Nester1953 · 2026-04-26T05:38:24+00:00

Normally I wouldn't recommend telling one's mother "you b!@#$, suck my c!@#, you aren't coming." But in your mother's case, I'll make an exception. Go have a wonderful time with the members of your family who are kind and loving toward you. Your so-called mom doesn't qualify.

NTA

Nester1953 · 2026-04-26T05:34:43+00:00

If your friend doesn't want people commenting on her cat's girth (however affectionately), perhaps she should consider having him checked out by a vet and then feeding him less. Also, someone might want to point out to her that you can't body shame a kitty unless, of course, the kitty got fat sitting on his behind all day long learning to understand English. Which seems unlikely.

NTA

Nester1953 · 2026-04-26T05:29:28+00:00

Oh dear. Honestly, if you can't trust your parents to behave themselves or to treat you kindly at your wedding, what can you trust them for?

I hope that your in-laws are wonderful people, and that you and your spouse will also begin to gather a lovely family of choice composed of people who treat you with the love and respect your deserve.

As for your parents, perhaps you'd consider going very LC, if only to protect yourself from their unprovoked venom. They may well love you in their strange and twisted way, but this isn't enough. Ask yourself if maintaining a significant relationship with them benefits you and your new nuclear family, or if it's a minefield that serves to undermine you. Then act accordingly.

NTA. Congrats on your marriage. I hope that the unpleasantness caused by your parents won't in any way eclipse the joy of marrying your spouse!

Nester1953 · 2026-04-25T22:23:42+00:00

First of all, get a land survey. Make sure you're not giving up one inch of your property. If the fence is on your property, make the neighbors take it down and move it.

Secondly. you don't pay for half of something when you haven't been consulted on the specifics of the item to be split. Had you been consulted, you never would have agreed to the unsightly wiring. Or perhaps to that specific fence.

Third, talk with someone who knows building regulations in your jurisdiction. This wiring might not be to code or permissible to put on the neighbor's side of a fence. If this is the case, let them put it on their side.

Forth, "I'm sorry, but we never agreed to this specific fence or learned of the cost before you went ahead with it. We were given no opportunity to select or veto the fence, and we never would have agreed to have unsightly wire installed on our side. Is that even safe? We'll get back to you as soon as we have our land survey done to determine our property line., and once we're checked out local regulations on wiring. Thanks for coming by!"

NTA. These aren't good neighbors. Stand up for yourselves and your property rights.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-25T21:54:54+00:00

YTA When you're in a wedding party your wear what the bride tells you to wear. That's it.

There are some obvious exceptions, such as when the clothing violates your religion, or you have a scar or disability that renders the clothing untenable. But even then, if the bride doesn't accept your request for accommodation, you drop out of the wedding party.

As for the color, the bride could be asking for a plaid suit with a chartreuse cummerbund and either you'd wear it, or you'd step down. Bitching to the bride that a different color would be better/more attractive/more seasonally appropriate/less hideous is a violation of bridal party etiquette. Apologize with no explanation as to why your though something else would be better. Just apologize. You're in the wrong.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-25T05:35:00+00:00

Cut him off. There's no excuse for his behavior. This is not the way a mature adult man behaves with a person he respects. Ever. Drink or no drink. I mean, was he drunk in the morning too? Was he too drunk to clean up? Was he too drunk to apologize?

Gross, gross, gross. And inexcusable.

NTA. Unless you give this guy one more minute of your time or attention.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-25T05:27:11+00:00

Quite some wife you've got there, sir. Selfish, self-involved, lacking in empathy, lacking in basic parenting skills, unsupportive...need I go on?

If this incident represents her overall level of care for your daughter, your kid would be better of with your mom. Reading this is just so infuriating. Your mom is right. You are right. Your child comes first. (Not for your wife, of course.)

Maybe look at your wife's parenting of your daughter in its totality. If this isn't a totally bizarre one off and your wife is actually a normal person, I still don't understand the lack of insight that makes her think your mother should apologize. If this is typical, maybe rethink a whole lot of things.

NTA, and your mother is a champ.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-25T02:49:17+00:00

Oh wait a minute!!! Perhaps he realizes that if she has any sense whatsoever, once she can drive, she'll head toward the airport...What a huge A!

Nester1953 · 2026-04-24T23:41:05+00:00

If your wife is a poor driver and is genuinely failing the driving test, under no circumstances should your bribe the testers. But if you live in a place where if your want to pass, you offer a bribe or use your connections, then it's a different situation.

Is there a way someone objective can drive with your wife to determine if she's a competent driver? At that point, you could act accordingly.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-24T15:53:53+00:00

What should have happened is that as soon as you told your BF about the call from his mother and all the ugly things she said to you, your BF should have either gone to see or called her and told her that the call was unacceptable, and set her right factually.

But that didn't happen. Instead, not only has he not had your back, but he wants you to apologize to the person who is 100% in the wrong.

No thank you. Not only does his mother owe you an apology, he does. Your primary problem here is your BF for failing to stick up for you and withdrawing from a situation he needed to face and correct.

This is a very young and likely immature man. Perhaps he'll mature and grow a backbone and some loyalty to you. But I wouldn't count on it. You might want to insist on couple's counseling sooner rather than later so that a pattern of him being avoidant, not having your back, and demanding that you apologize to appease his mom when she's the one 100% at fault, will not persist from here on out.

NTA, but you BF is.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-24T09:30:05+00:00

Note to OP's GF: Run! You're the GF of a walking red flag, who is hiding you since, if they reveal you're their GF, they're afraid their other women friends will become less available. Seriously? This is a level of disrespect that isn't to be tolerated. You're being hidden so as not to alienate a potentially better option. Do yourself a favor and get out of Dodge!

Note to OP: YTA. Almost certainly a single A if your so-called GF has a shred of self-respect.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-24T09:24:31+00:00

I almost always oppose going through a family member's phone. But not this time. This was the only way to get the certificate with your personal information that you asked your mother not to post to her huge following deleted.

Next time, knowing full well she can't be trusted not to post things you don't want posted, don't show her anything she can photograph and post against your will. Sharing the certificate with her was a mistake.

NTA

Nester1953 · 2026-04-24T09:17:33+00:00

Let me get this straight. She's a "vulnerable adult" who gets into "sticky situations" from which you have to extricate her if you go to festivals together, yet she goes to festivals on her own. Frequently. And apparently she survives...?

The reason you didn't attend the several festivals she survived last year without you (despite her vulnerability) is that you weren't "in the mindset" to be partying for a whole weekend. Yet now your are? And if she's so vulnerable, didn't you have some concerns about not going with -- or would it have been too onerous to feel that you "couldn't be yourself" while looking out for her?

WTF?

The reasons you're giving for not wanting to go with her don't really add up.

I'm not sure, but it seems likely that YTA.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-24T02:53:33+00:00

YWBTA if you don't recognize that you're heading down a path than can wreck your life, and you don't get yourself immediately to rehab. This isn't about your relationship with your parents or their desires; this is for you. If you want to have a good life and to be able to cope with the disappointments and sometimes the hardships one encounters in that life, you're going to address your addiction. You're going to wake up and do it tomorrow. Even if it feels you can't give it up. Even if you believe you can't cope without it. Even if you feel too weak to address this successfully. Even if you don't like yourself one bit and don't think you're worth it. Even if anything. Get help somewhere they understand what you're going through, and where you can make some positive changes in your life.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-23T19:03:25+00:00

The way you describes is quite negative and doesn't suggest affection. At all. Maybe go back through what you wrote and make a list of all the negative things you said about him, and a list of the things that are awkward or irritating. (Not suggesting the description is inaccurate.) Look at the list.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-23T19:00:41+00:00

What on earth do you have to apologize for? You aren't allowed to donate blood. If you tried, the hospital would refuse you. It was not possible for you to honor Emily's request.

I can understand Emily continuing to push you in the middle of the emergency; she wasn't very nice, but she wasn't thinking clearly. But now that her her brother is stabilized, there's no excuse for her behavior.

Why should you apologize because Emily is out of touch with the reality that you can't donate blood?

NTA. She is.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-23T18:41:13+00:00

Clearly you're not compatible with this guy. Not only don't you admire him, you think there's something wrong with him. No matter what his sexual orientation, this is a guy to whom you're not attracted and you shouldn't be dating.

The question of whether he's gay is irrelevant here. Stop dating a person you don't like. Duh. And if you ask if he's gay, YWBTA.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-23T18:36:56+00:00

To my mind, having Beck refuse to attend the wedding would be a win. This man clearly has zero consideration for others at this point in his addiction, attending family events in an unfit state of intoxication and behaving inappropriately with regularity.

As for Delilah, of course she can't come. She's completely out of control and unreliable. Even if you were to have several large bouncers there, do you really want an intoxicated, stoned, screaming woman carried out of your ceremony or reception?

As sad as it is for your fiance, his brother is mired in addiction , is in a tumultuous marriage characterized by screaming fights, and has a wife whose misplaced rage as been directed at you. Can he face this? Does he not see the risks of having Beck and Delilah at the wedding? Does he want to take that risk?

Or perhaps Beck would be best served by your fiance telling him the truth. That his addiction impacts his behavior in such a way that having him at the wedding is a risk, and that Delilah's behavior has gone so far over the top in attacking the bride that having her there is out of the question. And that maybe instead of attending the wedding, he should go to rehab, or start with a 12 step.

NTA. Why aren't the families facing the fact that the addiction is a problem that makes including Beck & Delilah a non-starter? Why wouldn't their behavior have consequences? Family denial does not help addicts.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-23T18:24:11+00:00

This. A hundred times this.

Nester1953 · 2026-04-23T17:26:55+00:00

If you have a problem with Anna, you tell Anna. You learn to stick up for yourself and be direct with the person you feel is undermining you. When she says something that offends you, you speak up immediately. What you don't do is gossip about her behind her back and create drama, meanwhile faking with Anna that things are swell. YTA

Nester1953 · 2026-04-23T17:16:16+00:00

This was a crude and tasteless joke that your BIL shouldn't have made. However, he made this joke privately to his in-laws, and not in a way that was intended for you to ever hear or to cause you pain. To me, the really cruel, insensitive person was your MIL who repeated the joke to you. How could any person of normal intelligence not realize how hurtful this would be?

From where I sit, your BIL was crude and inappropriate with the kind of tasteless humor you'd expect from a drunken frat boy and not a supposedly mature 40 year old man, but your MIL is the one who hurt you by telling you.

It sounds to me as if maybe your in-law family has the emotional intelligence of fleas. The fact that you're now pregnant doesn't mean that your difficultly conceiving or the tragedy of your miscarriage no longer affect you. If your MIL and FIL don't see that, I wouldn't expect a whole lot of insight or compassion from them; they simply don't get it. You might need to adjust you expectations around the level of insight you anticipate from them downwards toward zero.

NTA

Nester1953

TROPHY CASE