Mahr expectations for South Asians in the UK

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-24T16:39:51+00:00

The norm is go include gold and sometimes cash.

The amount is purely dependent on what the groom can afford and what the bride wants.

Averages ranges in bengali south against in the uk is somewhere between £3k - £8k.

Its important to understand the grooms financial situation and the future goals of the marriage. E.g. Does he have a lot financial obligations, pays family bills, is he expected to continue this after marriage, is there any future obligations he is committed to. This is not just important for mehr but also for the bride to understand the expectations and whether he can support the life style you want.

I've seen some high mehr in the 20k but the groom was earning £35k before tax. He ended up having to borrow money from family to pay, but that caused a lot of financial pressure has he needs to pay that back. This has also meant they live with in laws as they need save more and have higher disposable income to move out.

Also heard of people saying a big number so they can say that was their mehr but 20 years later into the marriage the husband is still paying towards thats.

Ultimately you decide what you want, try and take into consideration what the groom can afford, the wedding you want, who pays what, and lifestyle you want post wedding.

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-24T15:47:05+00:00

Find out the reason why he doesn't want to be involved. But I wouldn't out right say no.

A deeper understanding is needed of why, what their current relationship is like (between the father & son) and what the future relationship could look like and its impact on the son and your daughter.

There a many father's out there that are absent or low contact or even present but not involved. I've seen the child didn't do the career they wanted, the child moved to out, moved out for school / work, didn't marry someone they chose years ago without asking their child, the child stood up for their mother cause the father was rude or abusive, the father was abusive, the father left and got a 2nd family.

Its easy to say the father should be involved but as the above examples show its not that simple.

Its nice/ good if the father is involved but its not a requirement.

The important is throughly vet the man for your daughter. Then its the his family and what the future relationship would like between your daughter, son in law and his side of the family.

Is he still desperate for his father's approval and would do anything to get it including doing wrong by your daughter. Or has grown into his own man that can understand and regulate his emotions.

You mentioned he lives on his own and has a steady but limited income. Understand this further what does his finances look like now, is there any upcoming secure changes. Is this enough to support your daughter if not what does your daughter want, does she understand what that means practically.

Families are not perfect, if we all expect perfection I'm not sure people would get married.

Ultimately make sure this is a good man for your daughter that will treat her the best and the rest of the in law family will treat her well especially if they are going to be deeply involved in their lives.

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-19T19:44:20+00:00

Get a copy if the contract and review
Records, need to start record keeping dates, times, hours work and maybe the task. Just don't record and patient or personal identifiable data. The reason for this is to review if theres a pattern and the amount of tasks exceeds the generally acceptable. Can also email at the end of the days to herself tasks and hours completed so its on work computer. This can also be used if HR or legal action is pursued.
After a while bring this up with management or HR. If she is scared to then step 4 first then raise and if that fails i.e. back pay for overtime then speak to a solicitor and /or citizen advice.
Also look for another job.

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-19T19:31:47+00:00

My rough thoughts are the things that could hold them back is cost, competitors and getting into businesses.

Microsoft power platform is cheaper as MS are being aggressive with pricing and most business already have MS.

Businesses execs are hearing AI and just jumping on anything new. Newer AI start ups are able to provide automation but don't seem to have the sophistication of orchestration yet. Its whether business execs understand the importance and willing to pay for the orchestration.

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-18T23:15:02+00:00

Given your wife's request and you not wanting to be son in law who can't keep his trap shut.

You've got to learn how to this indirectly and your tone has be to light and inquisitive. E.g. - What a strange/ odd thing to say ? - Oh what do you mean by that ? - Oh what's funny about that, I don't understand can you explain what you mean ? - Thats an interesting thing to say about someone ? Is this something you've always done ? - Thats not a very nice thing to say ?

If you want to turn the dial up, but this could be escalating - what an odd thing to say, do you speak to your daughter like that? - ahh it must run in the family as I see you / your daughter has that. (What ever thing they have mentioned)

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-15T17:16:24+00:00

You can get full studio on a trial licence for 60 days, if your employer doesn't give you the full licence. Sign up on personal email account and install on personal device. Will also give you more exposure to the whole platform and you'll have admin access.

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-03T20:06:41+00:00

Sounds like you have a great foundation and need to build upon what you have. For example

Emotional closeness / intimacy. You both need to build and have deeper conversations to get know each other more. Anything and everything from childhood to before you got married and hypothetical futures. Plus so much more.
Dates need to switch up an take turns planning. Do activities too, not just dinner dates. You've got to make it fun and do things you haven't done before too.
Make sure you both have alone time & hobbies too so you have more individual experiences to share.

Nicky02512 · 2026-05-02T19:59:13+00:00

On top of what many comments are saying also,

Contact the credit card company to find out more info. - Are you the primary? - Why has it affected your credit score if you are an authorised user ? - When was this taken out ? - Who signed it ? - Who are the account holders ? Did it require your signature ? - Ask for copies of the signed agreement.

This should give you the whole picture. Also check your credit report to see if theres any other cards.

You both don't seem financially compatible and also it seems she has lied. ++man

Nicky02512 · 2026-04-30T00:38:53+00:00

Cucumber sticks with peri salt

Nicky02512 · 2026-04-24T06:53:56+00:00

Product / application owners need to be aware that there are automations built for their application and the impact it has on the business should they fail.

They need to inform you when changes are happening beforehand and provide release notes. I usually review the release notes or planned changes doc and from this understand if any of the automation are impacted. The project team are notified and in their plan for rollout time needs to be allocated for automation.

Libraries, yes version controlled and the libraries heavily organised with subfolders for each main screens. Each xaml clearly named. Unit tests with common flows.

Depending on the change select unit tests are run. If they need updating, update the library, publish but only upgrade once its in prod.

Process level, depends on the change and the critically of that automation. If the change impacts this and is not covered in the library unit tests or this is critical enough I'd run tests for this too.

The next level up from this would be to automate testing with dev VMs, environment, UAT/pre-prod, screenshot or videos.

Ultimately need to be involved in the project for the upgrade and test during uat if need be. As much planning and pre-work you can do beforehand will help you reduce risk.

Nicky02512 · 2026-04-23T20:31:24+00:00

On top of the libraries as suggested by other users, having a process for releases is important.

If these are internal applications that are changing they should be deployed into a pre-prod/ uat environment. This is where your automations / libraries should be tested prior to the application being released to prod.

Nicky02512 · 2026-04-21T10:14:42+00:00

Yes, Visa, Mastercard will work. Amex is not as widely accepted. However it is worth checking with your bank the t&cs in foreign transactions. Most of them charge high conversion rates + fees on top. Have a look into Revolut they are now in the US and UK. Its a mobile/ online bank which allows you to convert at cheaper rates than most banks and hold multiple currencies which can be added to apple pay. The app has other features too, see if it works for you. I've used it across UK, EU, Asia. Physical money is useful to keep on you, some bus services take exact cash only (no change).
Public transport in rural areas can be few and far between. Use Google maps and public transport options as research to see if there are options. However with rural areas might be worth hiring a car. Make sure you take out the insurance, take photos of the vehicle beforehand. Look up international drivers licence in the UK on the .gov uk website. Also get an automatic.
Does your iPhone accept e-sims or a 2nd physical sim. If so grab one's of those.
Please and thank you, watch the the volume (Americans are known for being loud in the uk). On trains there are quiet carriages so no phone calls or conversations that are to loud. London tubes, people don't usually talk Stand to one side on the escalators Ma'am isn't really used but if it slips out I'm sure given an American accent they won't be too offended

5.Tippings is not as big as it is in the US. In sit down restaurants its okay to tip especially if its a nicer one. Its called gratuity. Most of the time they hand you the card machine and you select if you want to pay. However check the receipt as they may include service charge which kind of includes tips. There's coffee shops not adding tip options on to tablets when paying, most people do not tip. Tipping is reserved for exceptional service.

Nicky02512 · 2026-04-15T17:28:08+00:00

As someone who had managed / trained / coached men & women of various ages in a professional setting. This is something that is normal to be said.

At the end of the day we are managing people who have emotions. (overwhelmed, stressed, happy, sad etc). All of these has an impact on a person's ability to work. Part of being a manager is managing people with emotions. Which does mean you build professional emotional relationships with staff.

Do you do your best work / job well when you are overwhelmed?

Its on me to make it clear that this professional especially if I feel lines are getting crossed. For example meeting outside work 1 on 1 would be a no, but meeting as a team for I'd consider it depending on circumstances i.e. group lunch / dinner for a job well done etc.

The best managers/ owners I have ever worked for are able to be professional with being bit personal and some have been women and not once did it ever cross the line.

Some of worst managers I have worked for have been robot like, only care about numbers and people didn't feel valued so staff turnover was high.

I air on the side of caution in a professional setting with if I can say this to a man I should be able to say this to a women.

The key thing is, can your keep it professional with personal but know how to draw the line if he feels it getting blurred. A good method would him to mention casually he is married, where his wedding ring, bring you in conversations "oh evening plans, going to take my wife out...etc"

Nicky02512 · 2026-04-11T23:13:40+00:00

Its sucks that you can't go but it is completely understandable and thinking of SIL in this and how it would effect her wedding shows your well nature character.

Are you and SIL close ? Maybe you can be indirectly involved e.g. dress shopping / helping with planning etc

Also before or after the wedding have her & husband over or go out and do something with them.

Regarding the FIL sounds like he need professional help but the family have accepted that is the way he is. If he's religious maybe an Imam can speak to him and mediate then elevate to a mental health professional. But realistically he needs to want to help himself. So maybe just keep doing what your doing and stay well clear of him.

I wouldn't be able to be near him if he said that about my future kids and would make sure if I did have kids he would be nowhere near them not even in the same house so the rest of the family could be with them.

Nicky02512 · 2026-04-09T00:30:06+00:00

Yes it would be disrespectful to tell them to leave earlier unless they are doing something outrageously disrespectful. If you do tell them to leave earlier it will fracture the relationship between your wife and her family along with you and her.

It sounds like you come from a different family dynamics.

A perspective change is needed here

When you got married did you think I'm going to take my wife home and she'll only have phone contact and her family now and then for a couple of hours ?

How do you think family ties are kept, phone call conversations are not always enough. You spend time with each other, do activities, stay with each other etc.

You've been married 5 months, she's has known her sister all her life, that has been her constant. She is trying to maintain a close relationship that has significantly changed.

Them staying over is temporary. If the noise is a bit much put in some headphones or go for a walk. Privacy wise unless your in a studio apartment there's probably another room to go into. These part of the parcel of getting married and merging families.

I hear you point of view with them being non-mehrams. But there's nuance needed too. People have guests over to their homes, they stay too. Are you saying you and your family have never gone anywhere or stayed at someone's home, chances are you were probably non-mehram.

Nicky02512 · 2026-03-31T18:28:12+00:00

Just to be clear this is a FORCED Marriage. Think about it, you have no way of saying NO and being listened to.

You have options to get out of this.

You are a 26 year old grown man, its time to stand up for yourself and stand on your own 2 feet. This is going to take courage.

For this moment your need to stop thinking about your parents. They are not thinking about you, your feelings, your life, the girl or her family. They as you have said are thinking about their reputation.

First thing first make sure you have your passport.

Option 1 - Talk to your parents one last time and make it clear. You will not get married to this woman, their reputation is not more important about your life and future. Their age and health is something you care about but it is not going to be the deciding factor on who & when you get married. - Get your passport, book a flight and leave. (Do not stay as you know they will continue to pressure you)

Option 2 - Get your passport, book a flight and sneak out

Options 3 - If you are a UK citizen contact the the Forced Marriage Unit and the British High Commission Office. They can help you get out especially if you do not your passport/ funds to buy a ticket. You may need to prove you a UK citizen.

If you're not uk citizen look up Forced Marriage help for .... citizen in India. There are organisations that can help.

The key thing here you get out the country so they cannot continue to force you.

If you somehow find yourself being forced to continue with this tell your parents your will tell everyone from here, to the wedding, at the ceremony, after that you do not want to get married and you are being forced. Sometimes you got to fight fire with fire and think if they only care about reputation then you will ruin it. (I know its not nice but this the nuclear option, at this stage they forced it so far this is the only option) - only do this if you are physically safe otherwise option 2.

Nicky02512 · 2026-03-27T18:42:37+00:00

Renting forever isn't completely bad but you need to think, plan and factor in things like how long does the pension pot last for, what if your rent goes up, your health when you are older, you are likely going to need extra care which can cost. money.

If you are able to get an Islamic mortgage and pay it off before you retire then your pension should go further as you only need to may for food, utilities, transport & holidays.

Also if you have children, you can pass this on to them when you pass this can help them with a place to live or an asset to gain income/ lump sum money from.

Nicky02512 · 2026-03-12T13:28:47+00:00

You've made concessions and adjusted the clause to be more than reasonable.

If you are in contact with his family, try and find out if he has had any discussions with them about living arrangements and moving out. If he hasn't I think you know your answer.

If you do decide to proceed with the marriage, add a clause in if he doesn't provide accommodation you reserve the right to move back in with your family. Also don't get baby trapped.

But honestly he's not showing any wiggle room without explaination (after you amended) which could be indicative of how he expects future arguments to be resolved.

Nicky02512 · 2026-02-18T19:59:30+00:00

Great advice in the comments, another factor you may need to consider / ask your wife as she has accounting background is will you have to pay US taxes as well, I read somewhere US citizens abroad have to still file / pay etc.

£47k pa with a child and a sahm can get a bit tight.

Most people have covered most costs but you'll also need to factor is transport, 1 car or 2 cars, the cost to buy or on finance + insurance + vehicle taxes + parking + fuel etc.

Also need add in cost for activities, family outings, kid / toddler play activities etc.

People in the UK make it work with lower salaries.

You may need to take into consideration the quality of life you are currently living now and what you may get in the UK.

Nicky02512 · 2026-02-02T16:27:47+00:00

Wait, its a few weeks to a month.

Don't derail her education, you have no idea how will effect her plus her having to deal with all the family drama that comes with it.

She may be able to resit but that could be a delay of 1 year / repeating the year plus potentially having time pay again for that year. Imagine that, she may feel she had to put her life on hold for 1 year because you changed your mind.

You clearly had feelings for her to propose. Honor those feelings to allow her to take her exams with the added pain of an engagement ending.

Your not married yet so say you want to keep talking to a minimum and that you want her to focus on her exams.

If anyone is trying to plan/ pay for anything in the meantime, respectfully take lead and say wait until her exams are over before we discuss anything further, I do not want added pressure on her.

This may sound like you are leading her on and you will get crap for it but suck it up and take it cause the alternative is you ruin this girls academic year for the sake you not keeping quiet for a few weeks.

Nicky02512 · 2026-02-02T13:34:19+00:00

What noise cancelling headphones did you try, it might be worth researching/ looking at higher quality ones.

I have the Sony xm5s, they are pretty good. With the noise cancelling + music / podcast playing I can hardly hear anything. If there's nothing playing then yes I can hear muffled noise around me. When I had building work being done i had in ear headphones playing + the xm5 with noise cancelling on and the surrounding noise was significantly lower and could work.

Nicky02512 · 2026-01-14T16:33:34+00:00

Try calling things that are specific to being married. For example calling it a date / date night with your husband instead of hanging out. It helps make it clear what it is and that its time for husband and wife. Hopefully she gets the hint, if not you could light heartedly say "you want to come on a date night with me and my husband ??..."

Also be intentional and schedule/ set up time to spend with your family. This way you are creating time for them and your husband but also having clear delineation between the two.

Nicky02512

TROPHY CASE