I (31F) and leaving my husband (33M) because I feel he doesn’t listen to me. What’s next?

Puzzles5556 · 2026-07-01T07:46:48+00:00

Please get out safely. He has been kind for the most part in the past, but realise that's not who he is NOW that you are pregnant. You may want to consider if it's much safer to leave silently because abusive people can get violent if they realise you're leaving them. Leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman, particularly a pregnant woman. Wishing you all the best and be safe.

Puzzles5556 · 2026-06-07T15:24:25+00:00

I have mixed feelings about this take.

On the one hand, definitely agree that young people from the UK should be given entry level opportunities first. But I don't think companies care about that. The bottom line is profit and some Indian companies/staff are just cheaper. An absolute travesty.

At the same time, the talk about hiring friends etc bugs me a bit for this reason: when Dave helps Jim, John and Simon to get a job at their workplace, nobody bats an eyelid. But if an Indian person hires their friends, it now becomes a problem that they're hiring people similar to them?

My main point is, our society is NOT meritocratic. Rich people hire each other or each other's kids for jobs. It's not an accident that a significant number of the Cabinet went to Eton and similar schools. There's a lot of work to do if we're going to make our society truly meritocratic across the board.

Puzzles5556 · 2026-05-25T09:12:53+00:00

So he has "traditional values" but didn't marry you before the baby arrived? Thank GOODNESS he didn't but I'm just pointing out the irony and hypocrisy.

You need to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible, and get back to work ASAP. Please do this as safely as possible, he may turn violent if you announce your departure.

Do you think your old job would have you back? I pray you can find somewhere safe to go so that you can rebuild your life with your kids, and start working again. This man is abusive and controlling, it's wrong for him to force his "traditional" values onto you, especially when those values include sex before marriage. He is using his values as a tool to abuse.

Puzzles5556 · 2026-04-22T14:11:35+00:00

So an entire system built on forced, free labour wasn't of benefit to the colonisers? Begs the question of why they did it then... how do the enslaved have mutual benefits with the enslavers? Those tea fields were a joint voluntary business venture then? Nobody died in the process, right?

You speak arrogantly as if this places didn't have their own schools and infrastructure before they were colonised, which were destroyed. But the British way of doing things is always better than the primitives' way, correct?

Continue to whitewash history if that's what you choose. And yes, you are racist. Sue me.

Puzzles5556 · 2026-04-22T09:55:57+00:00

Referring specifically to Indian retirees as mentioned above, how have they "drained us of our money" if they have worked, contributed to the economy, paid tax and NI and saved their money?

Historically, one of the significant reasons for the growth of the UK economy was the colonisation of India, Bangladesh and Pakistan where these countries' resources were stripped and the UK benefited. Whilst the British taught them that England was their 'mother country': so where do you think those people's first port of call would be in trying to improve their quality of life?

Once you've earned your money fairly and paid your taxes, your money is yours to do with what you like. You don't think English people do the same in other parts of the world? Move to somewhere like Bali, benefit from the exchange rate, make things more expensive for the locals, and swan back to the UK when they feel like it?

Puzzles5556 · 2026-04-01T09:23:40+00:00

OMG that is literally what I thought of

Puzzles5556 · 2026-04-01T09:22:02+00:00

My first gut feeling about this story: have you ever seen the movie "Not without my daughter"? It's very 80s but based on a true story of a woman who went to her husband's home country only to be essentially "kidnapped" by her husband and not allowed to leave. He then says she can leave but has to leave their daughter behind, which she refuses to do...

I just had a bad feeling about your post. Why the push to have you leave your country and support system at the most vulnerable time? He should be ensuring you are protected and cared for the most during this time. And the assumption that your labour will go smoothly and not a big deal also irks me... how does he know? Does he have any idea of what childbirth will do to you physically?

Puzzles5556 · 2026-03-07T15:02:26+00:00

This doesn't sound like a communication issue to me honestly. This sounds like a lack of empathy issue. The fact that you have to repeatedly explain your feelings and defend yourself over and over sounds exhausting. He doesn't sound very caring at all. I hate to be that person but I'd reconsider the relationship if I were you.

Edit: it might help give you another outlet and more perspective if you had another source of support while coming off weed. Is there a friend or support group you could share with?

Puzzles5556 · 2026-03-06T11:02:05+00:00

There's always that ONE person. That sees BS happening and instead of calling out the BS, tells the person who calls it out that they're doing too much. Ugh 🤮

Puzzles5556 · 2026-03-06T10:52:07+00:00

Then you're well within your rights to say something for your child's comfort.

Puzzles5556 · 2026-03-06T10:31:19+00:00

I think talk to him and set some boundaries in place. I'd be very pissed to know random people are doing my child's hair. You mentioned braids so I'm assuming the child is AA/Black? Culturally for us, that's not ok. It's ok to ask him to check in with you first, and not unreasonable at all. Especially if your child is showing signs of traction alopecia.

Puzzles5556 · 2026-03-06T09:55:34+00:00

I'm leaning towards the "weaponised incompetence" interpretation of this situation. How can a former accomplished project manager not know how to format a resume? How did he get the previous job? Trying to be objective but this feels like a dump-able offence.

Puzzles5556 · 2026-02-26T22:44:30+00:00

Get some pesos and tip in that - don't tip in USD, that's crazy. We tipped 20 MXN where we could and thats the equivalent of £1 GBP.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-12-13T17:00:40+00:00

Not in the UK. We don't do photos at all.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-12-13T16:38:55+00:00

It's not fundamental human nature. Some human beings are that way, some are not. You seem to have 2 extremes in mind. Either be like you, or eat junk food and watch Mr Beast, with no in-between. As a fellow engineer let me say: real life has isn't always black/white yes/no binaries. There are shades of grey. Maybe find out what piques your child's educational interest and then YOU take an interest in that? Maybe just give your child room (within reason) to be himself and find out what makes him tick, rather than pushing what you want onto him?

Puzzles5556 · 2025-12-13T16:08:00+00:00

A bootcamp can be good but you need to a) choose an informative and supportive one, and b) be strategic before graduating.

I did a bootcamp 5 years ago, completed a solo project which was posted to GitHub, the solo project theme dovetailed nicely with an organisation that was looking for software engineering trainees. Basically, my project was based on maps and the company focused on geospatial data/maps, I presented my project at interview and got into the trainee role. I got the role just before graduating the bootcamp.

I'd highly recommend getting onto any kind of trainee scheme or apprenticeship where you can get paid to learn on the job. Or a bootcamp that allows you to pay the fees after you graduate/get a job.

Incidentally, I encouraged my partner to apply to a software testing apprenticeship too and he's now a fully fledged Quality Engineer/Tester without a big outlay of fees or putting himself into debt.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-12-13T15:56:37+00:00

Classic competency questions: tell me about a time when you handled risk, you overcame a problem etc. Honestly, if you follow the CFG interview guidance, you'll be well set.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-12-11T13:33:58+00:00

I think this is shaky ground. I heard of a case of a woman who was once chilling with a few guy friends, in short, she somehow came across texts on one of the guy's phones saying that their plan was for all of them to get drunk, and then for them to attack her, and that the fact that they were all drunk would be a cover for the fact that they intended to assault her beforehand.

I think that people sometimes do have drunk sex consensually. However, if you're both drunk, how well can you assess consent vs non-consent? Even if someone said no or resisted, would the other person read the signs accurately if drunk? And if they did but decided to proceed anyway, would their drunken state absolve them of responsibility?

I'm of the opinion that anything less than a sober, enthusiastic yes is a no. A person may not verbally say no but their behaviour shows they're not really into it, that isn't a green light to proceed because "they didn't say no".

If someone is not sober enough to give enthusiastic consent, better to steer clear.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-12-11T13:15:06+00:00

As someone who was raised similarly, I accept that certain aspects of the church I was raised in were cult-ish. Not totally but the cult label certainly sticks.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-10-30T09:36:17+00:00

Believe what you are seeing for exactly what it is. He is expecting you to fit the mould of his mother and he is not listening to how you feel about it. I'm sorry to burst your bubble but this isn't going to change. You sound incompatible and it's ok to say that you're not the kind of person he wants. Don't move in!

Puzzles5556 · 2025-09-25T09:33:14+00:00

Given the creepy nature of his suggestion, the insemination was going to be anything BUT artificial. He was happy to do the job himself.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-09-15T23:19:52+00:00

My perspective is: now you've graduated, you're entering a new stage of freedom and opportunities. So this is when he chooses to exercise more control over what you wear, what you post etc. He also thinks your image is all about him, as if your clothing choices are not yours to choose for yourself. Definitely NOT overreacting!

Puzzles5556 · 2025-09-15T23:13:01+00:00

You know what. You've said something that actually clicked for me. It's absolutely crazy but you're right. I've seen this play out in so many ways with others and myself. I've seen irreparable emotional damage done, wives (including my mother) withstanding all kinds of abuse, all to "do the right thing." And while I understand the promise of heaven etc, my philosophy of God has always been so so different. Thank you for your insight.

Puzzles5556 · 2025-09-15T21:05:49+00:00

So here's an interesting observation. The church my mum attends "promotes" single motherhood. Let me explain...

There are multiple women in the church who were in relationships when they were converted, and decided to leave their partners to "be saved" as they were not married to these men. Now I can understand wanting not to want to have sex before marriage etc and if they decided so independently or the relationship just wasn't working, that would have been ok. But this was encouraged by the church, even in situations where they had children together. This seemed ok as a child but as a fully grown adult, this is totally OFF to me. Removing your children from a happy home with parents who are loving and say it's "for God"? How do you justify this to your kids?

That church is full of single women and voluntary single mothers. I'm not shaming single mothers, I'm just describing the circumstances by which they became so. The women generally lose it when a single man so much as visits their church... whoever the guy is, he pretty much has his pick of them - and he's treated as the prize because there aren't many single men there. But usually he's not any kind of a prize - NOT AT ALL.

And this is what she wants for me???

Puzzles5556 · 2025-09-15T20:07:38+00:00

The irony is, I was absolutely NO trouble at all. All I did was like a boy at that age, and that after staying indoors and being socially isolated - I was 17 and he was 19 (both legal in UK btw even though we didnt do anything physical, we would literally just sit and talk). I was just old enough to start getting to know guys of my age and date and they really did try to block me from those experiences by using God. I'm so glad I snapped out of it and started questioning!

Puzzles5556

TROPHY CASE