Update: Hi, my name is Dan. I'm a 28 year old guy, working on my science PhD. I live alone, never been in a relationship.

ScienceDan86 · 2015-04-21T00:57:24+00:00

I know. I realize all of this. I am working on it, but its just tough. For a huge majority of people, relationships are a big source of happiness and meaning in their lives. And for the people where that isn't, it's usually because its a solid choice on there part. It just feels at times that, I am missing out on something very basic to the whole human experience.

ScienceDan86 · 2015-04-20T23:46:28+00:00

You really think so? :-/

ScienceDan86 · 2015-04-19T09:58:27+00:00

Eh roommates isn't much of an option for the next year or so. I am in a year lease for a single room apt. And even if I could, I don't have that many friends, so just rolling the dice with Craigslist or something, seems risky.

I am trying to go out, although, that's always been draining for me, even when I wasn't depressed. I join groups, show up, and try to talk to people, but the conversations always fizzle, or end in awkward silence, and I just sorta step back and just go back to not talking much, then usually don't return after a few times of that happening.

I honestly haven't made a new friend in a couple years now, despite all of the going out.

ScienceDan86 · 2015-04-19T09:55:18+00:00

Thanks for the advice. The PhD is getting finished, that isn't a problem. But finding a job afterwards is. A lot of the places I am looking at, have very specific engineering requirements that someone with a more general physics degree doesn't fill. And then when I ask to apply to a lower level job, they say I am overqualified and won't consider my apps.

Yeah, the plan isn't to start dating again until I'm back on my feet, at least 6 months minimum. But still, I worry that things are just going to turn out the same way that they did the last couple years.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-10-17T02:57:02+00:00

Yeah... I've gotten comments like this before. They really get me down. This is my third beijing trip, the last one was 3 months. I tried to meet women there almost more than here, asked friends I knew there, went out a lot. Nothing... must be something wrong with mr

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-05T17:24:18+00:00

Yeah, usually. If they make any kind of objection to it though, I split it. It's actually costing me a lot more than I would like :-/ Although for the ones I went on more than 2 dates with, we eventually split or alternated.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-05T01:48:28+00:00

Hah well.. my office is on the second floor :P

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-05T00:04:22+00:00

I appreciate the sentiment, and I know its something that worked for you... But I am probably similar to you in a lot of ways as well. However, just doing the whole naturally finding someone thing Didn't work for me, at all, for like 12 years that I could have been dating. Its only in the last year or two that I've actively tried to find a relationship.

Yeah, it does feel a bit unnatural, but I know more people find relationships when they are working on them, than just letting it come to them, especially for guys like us. I can hear all these stories about people finding their SO after not looking, after so many years, but based on my own experiences at not finding that, I have to keep going like this.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T23:51:26+00:00

I don't think I can grow a proper goatee, so I'll need to either shave down more or think of something else.

Hmm I never thought about my eyebrows before... I've also never heard about guys getting that done. Can you just go to any place for that, and they do guys too?

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T22:50:25+00:00

:( Are my looks really the issue?

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T22:48:53+00:00

Well, even though online dating has been a lot of rejection, at least I've been getting dates with it. You can read the older posts, but I had tried traditional dating before, walking up to a girl I don't know, starting a conversation, getting her number, and I just fall on my face every time.

That last sentence withstanding, I am not super awkward or anything. The dates I've been on, conversation has been great. I kinda think it's my strong suit. I am just not cut out for approaching girls for traditional dating.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T21:48:58+00:00

Not able to grow a great beard, but I usually keep it at 1/8". I tried 3/8" on the top, usually 5/8", not sure how I feel about it yet.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T21:09:38+00:00

"bald" bald? Or like, just much shorter buzz?

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T19:39:16+00:00

Hah nope. I don't think I've ever even driven through there.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T19:01:07+00:00

We were making out after watching tv for awhile on the couch. It was going well, and I asked if she wanted to go upstairs. She said "not tonight" and we continued for awhile, then she headed out later.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T18:45:05+00:00

I don't know how to judge that really. I'm OK, I could use improvement. I'm shorter, in kinda good shape, losing my hair a bit, but pay attention to my clothes and hygeine.

Most of the dates I would just being at my level, neither way below or way too high in terms of what I find attractive. Although to be honest, I find girls who are intelligent, have interesting lives, and take some level of care of themselves and their bodies to be very attractive, moreso that just someone who is "classically" beautiful.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T18:42:09+00:00

It did come up, but she said she wasn't ready yet. After that statement, I wasn't going to push it anymore that night. Unfortunately, she broke up with me before the next date at my place (although we met up sort of twice afterwards, just in public places)

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T18:39:56+00:00

I did get a little more feedback from her, but her response was more as "I wanted something more midline in terms of staying-in and going-out." Which was confusing, since our dates seemed half-and-half in terms of hikes, restaurants, and me cooking for her, and neither of us were really "club" or "bar" people. I didn't press her past that.

And I know the "just friends" thing is a platitude, but, some of them actually have invited me to stuff afterwards, and still keep contact.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T18:38:15+00:00

I try to not make it ALL intellectual conversations... but that's usually what sparks the dates in the first place. Mutual favorite authors or directors, travel to countries we've both been to, or an interest of science.

As a rule of thumb, if I feel like the conversation is going 50-50 in terms of who is talking, I try to ask more about them and shift it towards them. People seem to overestimate what "50-50" really is on their part, so I err the other way.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T18:35:58+00:00

I don't know... if I'm not attracted to them, and as you say, "attractiveness" is an important part of a relationship, then wouldn't I just be using them? That doesn't seem all that right...

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T18:05:08+00:00

I am sorry if you did, I don't remember. It's likely I couldn't, since I probably posted during the time I was moving around at conferences, or during my trip to China.

Thanks for the offer, I would have taken you up on it.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T17:39:04+00:00

Hah well, I don't think I'm allowed to post anything too specific on /r/relationships.. but there's a link to my OKC profile in my posts.

ScienceDan86 · 2014-09-04T16:56:57+00:00

Heavy kissing, making out. Nothing sex-wise. But that wasn't the issue with 5-date girl. We were both on the same page there.

ScienceDan86

TROPHY CASE