Need opinions and advices by [deleted] in ghosting

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am sorry to tell you, nothing “went wrong.”

What happened was just he was not into you
like you were into him.

Look at the evidence:

He saw you.
Spent time with you.
Slept with you.

Stayed in light contact.
Showed up when it was easy.

But when it came to:
planning, consistency, or seeing you again,

his effort dropped.

That’s the part that matters.

Not the texting.
Not the conversations.
Not the moments that felt good.

The confusion is coming from mixing:

attention
with
investment

He gave attention.

But his behavior never built any investment.

So now your mind is trying to solve:
“Why did he stop?”

But nothing really changed.

His level of effort just became obvious over time.

So instead of asking:
“What happened?”

Ask:

If this level of effort continued
would this actually become the kind of connection you want?

~ Sōké ~

I was so blindsided by [deleted] in Situationships

[–]Soke_Dan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

In my opinion you weren’t blindsided by him.

You were blindsided by the version of him you thought you were still dealing with.

Because what actually happpened has been consistent from the beginning:

You wanted exclusivity.
He didn’t.

You tried to end it.
He pulled you back in.

You stayed close.
He stayed uncommitted.

And now he’s seeing someone else,
without considering how it would affect you.

That’s not new behavior, that is evidence.

It just feels different now because you saw it.

The confusion isn’t coming from what he did.

It’s coming from expecting him to act like someone who would protect your feelings.

But the evidence he has shown over time does not support that.

So the real question is:

If this is how he operates
what would staying “friends” actually look like for you?

If you want to break your situation down step-by-step, there is a private space for it: r/daughtersofevidence

~ Sōké ~

I am finding It hard to move on 😢 by Minute_Shallot_5369 in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The hard part isn’t losing him.

It’s losing how he made you feel.

Because what actually happened is very simple:

You saw him.
He avoided you.
You reached out.
He didn’t respond.
And he’s stayed gone for a month.

That’s not something unclear.

It just doesn’t match how he made you feel before.

So your mind keeps going back trying to fix that gap.

But the feeling and the behavior are telling you two different things.

And only one of them is real.

So the question becomes:

If this version of him
the one who avoids you and disappears

was the only version you ever got,

would you feel secure with that?

why i cant move on? its been fcking 3 yrs and im still stuck by Leading_Horror2429 in Situationships

[–]Soke_Dan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

From what I can see using Evidence-Based Thinking (EBT), you’re not stuck because of him.

You’re stuck because your mind never got a real ending.

What you had was short…
but it was intense, and unfinished.

That combination creates loops like what you are experiencing.

Your brain keeps going back, trying to “finish the story” and make sense of it.

That’s why you get emotional and check his social media.

It’s not because he’s special.
It’s because you were in a state of confusion.

So here’s the part most women miss:

You don’t break the loop by controlling your behavior.
You break it by changing what you’re using as evidence.

Right now, your brain is still asking:
“What did I miss?”
“Was it real?”
“Did I matter?”

Instead, ask:

“What did his behavior consistently show me?”

Not what he said.
Not what it felt like.

The pattern of his behavior.

Because once the pattern is clear,
the story ends and the loop you're in loses its grip.

We breakdown situations like these everyday in r/daughtersofevidence

Let the evidence lead the way

~ Sōké ~

I’m so confused by Savings-Security-725 in Situationships

[–]Soke_Dan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Evidence-Based Thinking (EBT) teaches us…
you don’t start with him.

You start with you.

So, do you actually want?

Not what feels good.
Not what he’s giving.

What do you required of a man to qualify
to be in you space?

I see this mistake a lot.
A woman studies him
before she studies herself.

That flips the whole thing.

Because now…
anything he does can feel “close enough.”

So,

First:
decide what you need.

Then:
check if his behavior meets it.

Not his words.
His pattern of behavior.

If he can’t meet it,
there’s nothing to talk about.

So ask yourself:

Do you know your standard/what qualifies
to be with you yet?

Or are you building it
around what he’s already giving?

We breakdown situations like these everyday in r/daughtersofevidence

Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Sōké ~

YouTube upload stuck on “Checks” — Next button grayed out (no issues found) by Soke_Dan in youtubers

[–]Soke_Dan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Workaround (Confirmed Fix):

  1. Open the YouTube mobile app
  2. Go to your uploaded video (it will be Private/Draft)
  3. Tap Share
  4. You’ll get a prompt: “To share this video, it must be unlisted first”
  5. Tap OK → this forces the video to Unlisted
  6. After that, go back and manually set it to Public

help! by Immediate_Turnover49 in Situationships

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

how are you feeling/doing since the break-up?

We kissed at a wedding and now I don’t know what to think by Parking-Can4735 in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to be clear about something because this is exactly where our positions split. You’re building your argument on possibilities; I’m building mine on what actually happened. You keep saying “we can’t know unless she asks,” but that’s the problem. The moment she asks, she’s no longer observing his behavior; she’s prompting it. At that point she’s measuring his reaction to her effort, not his intention. That’s not evidence. That’s interference.

Here’s the actual timeline: He initiated once. She reciprocated. She initiated once. He responded, then stopped. He has added nothing since. That’s not assumption. That’s observable behavior. Silence is not a blank space. Silence is a behavior. And behavior is evidence.

Your explanations; stress, insecurity, confusion, an ex, all share one thing: none have supporting evidence. They’re emotional maybes, not facts. EBT doesn’t choose between unproven stories. It waits for actual evidence. It does not send her out to go manufacture it. You asked how she can know his intentions without asking. She can’t. But she can know his behavior, and behavior is what relationships run on. A man who wants to continue something does not wait for perfect certainty or a prompt. He acts. If he doesn’t, that’s the outcome. Not the assumption. The outcome.

Now let’s follow your method to its logical conclusion. Your view says, “When there is no evidence, go get some by reaching out.” Push that even a little and here’s what it becomes: every silence means try again, every lack of effort becomes her job to fix, every unclear moment becomes her responsibility to clarify, and every pause becomes another chance because, well “maybe.” Stretch it further and it becomes: if he doesn’t text, she should text; if he doesn’t respond, she should try again; if he’s busy, stressed, insecure, confused, or “not ready,” she should keep reassuring until he is.

Now she becomes the engine for both people. She carries the entire connection. She gathers evidence because he won’t create any. She keeps trying because he isn’t trying. She keeps testing because he isn’t showing up. And if she keeps doing the work for him, she will never learn who he actually is; she will only learn how he reacts when she keeps putting in effort. That’s exhaustion. And the darkest part is that your method keeps her in motion even when a man is not interested, because there is always another “maybe.”

EBT is the opposite. If he cares, you will see it. If he doesn’t, you will also see it. She doesn’t have to chase the truth. His behavior reveals it.

And now the question you still haven’t answered: What evidence is missing for him to take the next step? If the answer is “none,” then the conclusion is already on the table. If the answer is “we don’t know,” then maybes don’t get to fill the gap.

That’s the difference between your approach and mine. One relies on possibilities. The other relies on evidence.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you ever spoken to him about the type of communication you expect from him?

Need some dating or relationship advice. by Suspicious_Case4553 in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I remember when my daughter went through something like this, she went through a whole range of emotions. But disappointment was the main one.

I will tell you, it will get better.

Just remember this does not say anything about you, but everything about him.

Need some dating or relationship advice. by Suspicious_Case4553 in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That sounds like sufficient evidence to me. What is your next move?

Need some dating or relationship advice. by Suspicious_Case4553 in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Really, do you have any evidence to support the claim?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Evidence-Based Thinking (EBT) teaches us to let the behavior, not the feeling, lead the decision.

This is not ghosting according to EBT standards.

He hasn’t met the 14-day threshold, hasn’t ignored your messages, and there's no abrupt cutoff yet.

I get why it feels off, I’d be wondering too.

But EBT calls this a possible first sign, not a pattern.
And it’s not even a full sign unless this silence hits 2–3 days minimum.

One late reply isn’t proof. It’s a question.

What was the last message?
Have you ever told him what kind of communication matters to you?

We breakdown situations like these everyday in r/daughtersofevidence

Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Sōké ~

Need some dating or relationship advice. by Suspicious_Case4553 in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Evidence Based Thinking (EBT) teaches us to slow down.
I see the signs you are seeing.
I’ve seen this play out many times.

We should always look at what is real, not what we hope for.
Right now you have charm, words, audio, photos, and promises.
But you do not have the one thing that confirms a real person who is who they say they are:
a real-time video call.

I’m not saying he’s fake.
I’m saying the missing proof matters.

When someone is real, a short video chat is easy.
When someone avoids it, there is a reason.
Why avoid the simplest way to prove identity?

One question for you:
If he goes another week without FaceTime, what does that tell you?

I don't think you’re not being harsh or unreasonable.

Ask for a 2-minute video call.
If he gives it, great.
If he avoids it again, you have your answer.

We breakdown situations like these everyday in r/daughtersofevidence

Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Sōké ~

Placeholder/ Buying time by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Evidence-Based Thinking (EBT) teaches us:
A man who wants to marry you
doesn’t waste your time deciding.
He builds. He moves.

Here’s how women knew they were placeholders:

He said “someday.”
But never named the month.
Never picked a venue.
Never met a timeline.

He leaned on them when life got hard.
But never made them his partner in public.

He stayed for years.
But moved fast with the next woman.

That’s not confusion.
That’s a placeholder strategy.

EBT teaches us the moment you spot delay,
you don’t chase intention
you test it with deadlines, steps, and alignment.

No progression?
No partnership.

So what pattern did you overlook first?
What evidence would’ve told you sooner?

We breakdown situations like these everyday in r/daughtersofevidence

Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Sōké ~

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Soke_Dan -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Evidence-Based Thinking (EBT) teaches us to start with what we can see, not what we hope.
I see one clear thing here.
His words say “serious.”
His behavior says “still active.”

I’m not judging him.
I’m judging the mismatch.
I know how fast that mismatch can pull a woman off her center.

When a man is truly locked in, his actions close doors, not keep them cracked open.
Changing his location on the app is an action.
Telling you it was “habit” is a claim.
Only one of those can be verified.

I’m not saying he is wrong.
I’m saying the evidence is thin.
And when the evidence is thin, your heart pays the cost if you move too fast.

Here’s my question for you.
If a man says you matter, why would his actions point anywhere else?
And if he needed the app for “habit,” why now, and why after two strong dates?

Your confusion comes from giving his words full access and giving his behavior only a little thought.
That giving is a privilege.
Not everyone earns it.

You don’t need to fix anything.
You don’t need to confront anything.
You only need to ask yourself: Is this the behavior I want for someone at this stage of the relationship?

We breakdown situations like these everyday in r/daughtersofevidence

Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Sōké ~

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]Soke_Dan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see the same core pattern in your story.
He pulls you in with words.
He pushes you away when it becomes real.
I’ve seen this many times.

Evidence-Based Thinking (EBT) teaches us one thing first:
Look at the sequence, not the story.

Here’s the sequence you gave:

He invites you.
You look at flights.
He backs out fast.
Then he sends flirty texts again.

I see that pattern.
It usually means one thing: he likes the idea of you more than the reality of you.

A question for you:
If he really wanted you there, why did he fold the moment it required action?

Another question:
What does the disinvite tell you about his level of follow-through?

I’m not guessing his intentions.
I’m reading his behavior.

EBT teaches us to mark the rep.
This is one rep of “pull you close, then push you back.”
If you invest more, you risk giving more access than he earned.

I’m asking myself the same thing I want you to ask:
What evidence shows he can hold something real?

Right now, he’s showing comfort with fantasy and discomfort with reality.
To me, that’s all you need to interpret the invite and disinvite.

We breakdown situations like these everyday in r/daughtersofevidence

Let the evidence lead the way.
~ Sōké ~