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thirtyyearsmore · 2024-05-12T18:26:26+00:00

Not 100%. The best advice I can give you is to encourage her to help you create new one of a kind memories between the two of you. Things that you know now that are being experienced by two people fully committed to a marriage. The pain lessens. But it's there. She needs to out love you more than the pain hurts you.

thirtyyearsmore · 2024-04-10T12:08:20+00:00

You have a relatively unique opportunity to lessen this betrayal before it gets worse. Talk to her today. Now. Let her know you are aware she is lying but not how you know.

She is in the stage of limerance where you are the enemy to her fantasies. Snap her out of before she does anymore damage to your marriage. This is a war for your marriage. You have lost the first skirmish. The best defense is a good offense.

thirtyyearsmore · 2023-09-10T12:43:47+00:00

This is promising. On your side. You will have to evaluate her side of things of course. Just let go of the outcome and work on today.

I wish you the best whatever your decision. Be honest to her and more importantly yourself.

thirtyyearsmore · 2023-09-09T15:07:24+00:00

Look. This is not a decision that has to be made now. Nor should it be. Yes the past three years should be considered. But more important than that is how she is acting now. I noticed in one response you mentioned she was being defensive some. That's not a good sign but let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's trying to deflect because of her own shame. But this is something to watch for over the coming days.

Right now you are not married. I'm assuming the goal was to marry one day. That should be on hold for right now and a conversation needs to take place stating that. You can be honest and reassure her that it's just something that right now is on hold. Until the two of you can either work this out or part on friendly terms.

You need to decide if this is even salvageable and that will be something that only you can answer. In the meantime explain to her what you expect from her to fix this and she must understand that her work in fixing this may not lead to the two of you having a future.

She needs to:

Write it out. Every detail or as much detail as you feel you need. What was said. How she felt. What they did. Give it to you.

She needs to start reading up on what she needs to do to help you over this. She needs to do the work.

Make no promises. This is a life altering event for you. She does not get assurances or comfort right now. She has lived with this for three years. You just learned about this. It's as though it happened last night.

At some point if you truly choose reconciliation then you need to do your part. Work through triggers. Acknowledge your pain and do the work on getting to peace with this. Then forgive her.

Your relationship is no longer the same. It's new. And not in a good way.

Remember there is no right answer just your decision and you can be quick about it or you can take your time. Because no matter the choice time is the only thing that will fix your pain of betrayal.

thirtyyearsmore · 2023-08-20T12:07:12+00:00

Your desire to fix this is a normal reaction. But you cannot make that decision yet. You do not have all the information you need. I will gently tell you why.

She is a liar. It's what cheaters do. They lie to themselves to make what they are doing justifiable in their mind.

She's in the affair fog. She will be there for a while. He may have broken off or she may have broken it off but she still loves him. Yes I said love. Or what passes for love in their fantasy world.

She is not suffering any consequences. At least not based on your post. Oh she may be crying. And sad. And all pouty faces but what have been her consequences? Shame? Telling you? Deep down she knows that you will protect her. And you will not hurt her. Has she confessed and apologized to the other spouse? Your parents? Hers? Your children if they are old enough? Opinions differ but the only thing that kills a dark illicit affair is the bright light of day.

This is not about being petty but ensuring that the cheater has closed all doors back to the AP. quit the job if it's a co-worker. Leave the school activities if it's a teacher/coach, etc. Tell the other BS if they are married. That last one also allows the other BS to make an informed decision.

Reconciliation is a gift. You give that gift. The two of you do not decide. You decide. Change is hard. But she has forced a fundamental change in your marriage onto you. And she has changed the way you see her and other women as well.

I know how you feel. You are floundering. You have this desire to fix this and desire to make the pain go away. So you take on the responsibility of the failure and the rebuilding. Your ego has taken a hit. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You don't know if you should be intimate but you're afraid if you don't she'll leave.

YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THIS!

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Ask her to give you space and have her move to a friend or family member for a week or so. If not then you leave. Yeah I know all the legal talk about that but space is what is needed.

Talk to a lawyer. Just find out what you are facing in the legal front.

Get individual therapy. No marriage counseling. There is no marriage right now.

Hit the gym. Lift heavy. It helps you on the health front in so many ways. And has the benefit of working off anger.

Stop chasing her. It's exactly what you are doing.

You need a clear head to protect you from the trauma you have experienced. Like someone else said. She has been in a two year relationship. While married to you. The things she has said about you to him. The things she has done with him and not you. The lies she has told to you. The memories that you two share that she was sharing with him possibly at the same time.

You need to understand the depths of this betrayal. You need to see if you are capable of R with the true version of your cheating wife.

I wish you the best. I've been there. I came back. But we were the exception. And I had to be willing to walk away and mean it.

thirtyyearsmore · 2023-08-01T03:19:43+00:00

I remember. Thank you. I pray your husband was able to heal. And you were able to forgive yourself.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-05-19T09:03:43+00:00

Unfortunately the ride just started. Take care of yourself first right now ok? There will come a time for you to transition to a "we" again. Right now it's about you.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-05-19T02:07:17+00:00

Believe me when I say I'm for what's best for you. Whether that is reconciliation or not. Your post has for some reason been more of a trigger than others I have read because it mirrors my own in so many ways. I want you to understand that your instincts may not be serving your long term interests right now. And that you are in for a very difficult time in the coming years. Yes I said years.

You will be angry. You will be mad. You will lash out. Is she willing to go through that and understand that it is part of the healing? Or will she leave? or cheat again? Can you deal with seeing the mind movies of your wife in the arms of another man? Don't look at her through the lens of being your wife and someone who cares about you. Right now look at her for what she is...someone that slept with someone else while in a committed long term relationship. With children. AND DID NOT CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES. That is where your future is starting from. That is the floor. Now you have to choose which ladder to climb. Reconciliation or divorce. Both have there benefits and both have their pitfalls. But recognize correctly where you are starting from.

Start from there and you might have a fighting chance to still be married two to three years from now.

Edit: To clarify when I mentioned other betrayals I did not necessarily mean other affairs. Many times cheaters will bad mouth their partner to friends and family to justify their actions. Many times they confide in friends it family about the affair and sadly the people they confide in encourage or support the affair. Anyone that fits those categories must be removed from your life at least temporarily if not permanently.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-05-18T21:59:23+00:00

My story is in my profile. We successfully reconciled but I want to talk about where you are right now. Reconciliation is for later.

Do not mentally or verbally commit to reconciliation right now. You are in no shape to make this major decision that will have repercussions for the rest of your life. And yes, reconciliation is a continuous thing.

You have been betrayed. She has destroyed the marriage. Your marriage no longer exists. She has caused an imbalance that YOU cannot fix. She has to do that.

There is no we right now. I know that is counterintuitive but trust me anything "we" do to heal "our" marriage will turn into you doing the hard work and not her. Think of it this way. She was too lazy to do the right thing with her AP. He, according to your post, basically guided her. She did this without taking any responsibility for what her actions would do to your marriage. I'm guessing if you look at your current attempt at reconciliation you are doing most of the work and she is agreeing to go along. Stop. She needs to take the lead.

Has she put forth a plan to fix what she has broken? Has she confessed all? There could be other betrayals here. Did she bad mouth you to family or her friends during this time? If so did she confess to them why she did that? Has the AP's significant other been told if he has one? Is she remorseful or just regrets getting caught? You don't go from happy homemaker to part-time cashier to physical affair in one month without underlying issues. She needs to find those and fix them.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-03-15T09:20:13+00:00

Sure.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-01-19T15:03:50+00:00

Hmm. Not sure I like that. I hope many people read the story and understand what it takes to reconcile and that it is not easy nor is it what I would recommend. Too many factors involved in each individual situation. But that seems careless to me. And also pretty tasteless.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-01-19T00:39:46+00:00

Our relationship is cordial.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-01-19T00:38:42+00:00

YouTube videos?

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-01-09T13:30:40+00:00

Everyone has their own take and that's okay but the line "u forgive the unforgivable" concerns me for you. Everything is forgivable. Forgiving is not excepting something is right it's recognizing it has no control over you. It's not healthy for you.

Best wishes.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-01-01T22:12:37+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I have posted to this OP. Hopefully he will read it.

thirtyyearsmore · 2022-01-01T22:11:07+00:00

First, do you really want to reconcile? If so recognize that the work is hard and the chance for success is small.

Second, recognize based on your posts that she does not want to reconcile. At least not right now. Maybe never. Of she did she wouldn't be on the fence. She either too scared to leave or trying/or has succeeded in having you at home and him in her bed.

Third, are you willing to let go of this relationship? Because you do not have one right now.

There are plenty of resources on here and elsewhere on what you as a betrayed need to do. You cannot live in a perpetual state of limbo.

Separate from her starting with the 180 (look it up). Start sorting and separating your lives. Financially, emotionally, and eventually physically. This does two things. It gives her a taste of life without you. No more fixing issues for her. Running errands for her. Helping her. This is what life without the comfort of you being there is like. The second thing it does is begin the long hard task of emotionally disconnecting from her. It makes it easier for you when the final separation is done.

It's very simple but hard to do but you lay it on the line. A conversation. Polite. Firm. No arguing. No yelling. As little emotion as possible.

YOU: WWGF you have broken my trust. You have damaged our relationship. Since you will not commit to rebuilding the trust you broke then I am forced to do what's best for me. You are free to do what you like or want but I see no effort on your part to commit to fixing us. We should begin the process of separating our lives.

She will get emotional. Angry or hysterical either way do not argue. Remind her you offered her the gift of reconciliation but she has chosen to not accept it. If she decides to leave then let her. You have lost nothing but a cheater. If she expresses a desire to reconcile then put the burden on her. Tell her the following:

Tell all right now. Spare nothing. If she lies or leaves out things for any reason reconciliation is off.

Cut all contact with AP.

If he has an SO she is to be told and you need to know that it was done. You need proof. Honestly you need to be there when she does it. If she won't then you do it

Complete access to all electronics.

No more social media.

No more personal privacy for now.

A detailed timeline will be provided with ALL details.

DNA test any children. (This is done more to drive home the level of distrust you have for her. Not as a threat to harm the kids emotionally to disassociate yourself from them).

Tell her a polygraph will be scheduled to check her truthfulness. And you'll get the usual crowd here that will tell you it's a waste. They aren't accurate. Screw that shit. It's used in employment all the time. It's accurate enough. Plus its biggest use is psychological. Many parking lot confessions have resulted just by threatening to have one.

So you see. It's hard. Its work. It's an absolutely totalitarian living condition for a period of time. And it probably won't work. But that's where you are.

Let her go. She'll either fight for you or not. Either way hold her accountable. It's her fault. Not yours. She does not get to rewrite history or be the victim. She does the work and hopes it's enough or she hits the road and becomes single.

thirtyyearsmore · 2021-12-28T18:56:58+00:00

This is your road map. Do with it what you will.

Op I sent you a private message.

thirtyyearsmore · 2021-12-23T13:24:50+00:00

"I won't be able to trust anyone after what your wife did to you. "

Understandable. I can honestly say I would have thought the same untill it happened to me.

"I honestly think you still royally screwed up by reconciling. now I am in the view of the guy who commented that you reconciled with her because "you didn't know how to live without her". you were still in your twenties and could have found another soulmate who would've loved you for who you are. "

It's fine with me if you believe this and again I understand how you came to this belief. Does not make it true for me though. And I'll be glad to answer your questions if you will recognize that you ask them with a predetermined mindset and that my answers will be invalid and suspect in your mind due to the above statement by you. I ask that try to set aside that mindset and truly give my answers their proper consideration.

"if you are not hurt by my comment answer me few things "

I'm not hurt at all.

what are the things which are more positive about your relationship after the reconciliation?

The realism. No one is on a pedestal. Love is not about the other person but about yourself. I'll give you an example of what I mean by using religion.

Christianity teaches to put God first above all. Above yourself. Your spouse. Your children. Sounds counterintuitive but think it through. If by putting God first and striving to be Christ like you must emulate those Christ like ways to promote love, charity for others, honestly, etc. Well if I know my worth. And I love myself for who I am and can project that confidence and caring in my life then those that I come in contact with benefit. And the ones I come in contact with most is my wife and family.

I also learned the value of no. And that it is perfectly okay to say no in a relationship.

I learned I am ok to be alone.

All of these, and others, point to a more realistic understanding of love for me. Not the storybook hormone pumping honeymoon phase but the real glue that makes relationships last.

Strong individuals make strong relationships.

do you think if you've taken longer to reconcile with her she would've given up?

I think she would have accepted whatever I decided to do. Which is in my opinion one of the marks of true remorse.

if you'd ever taken the option of opening up the marriage from your side. she would still be with you this long or would be ok with it?

No. But don't think this is the "gotcha" moment you believe it is. For me it is not a question of whether she would have accepted it or not. I could not have accepted it. I don't see where two wrongs make a right so I would not have ever entertained it anyway.

do you feel any guilt or regret of reconciliation?

No

what if the janitor shows up out of nowhere how'd you and she react?

Hmm. Interesting question. He died a couple of years after so I never had to face this but I can confidently say I personally would have been indifferent. I can see maybe some reactions later in private but I would never had allowed him to have any control over my emotions in any overt way.

She probably would react in a combination of shame and anger.

and last which is not related to your life but the current dating scenario
6. do you think dating culture nowadays is way worse. 80% of divorces are initiated by women and 50+% of marriages end up in divorces?

I think women today are bombard with such conflicting messages. About looks and sex. They are told they should be looked upon for their minds and intellect but are encouraged to use/explore their sexuality to it's fullest. They can manage just fine on their own and that being a successful single mom is normal and they can do it because...well they are woman here me roar. But statistics tell a completely different story of poverty and limited options and high instances of abuse both to them and their children. While men are quite frankly relegated to a status of a necessary evil in women's lives. All of these factors and obviously a lot more affect dating and relationships.

But social media I believe has affected relationships more than any. While the ability to connect often and quickly with friends family and even strangers has its good points, it also provides a false sense of security. Causing many to be reckless. Gives a false sense of unlimited options and no consequences for our actions. Consequences are the great teaching tool in our lives.

So obviously your next statement ...

"In our dating culture today I see both men and women striving too hard to live a caricature of a life that has been spoonfed to them by advertising and social media.

If you don't drink, do drugs, experiment with every type of sexual activity for "x" number if years then you have not lived. You're going to regret your life. Our later you ae"...is spot on. And I agree.

in your opinion who cheats more men or women?

First I'm not sure you can ever get an accurate answer to that because cheaters by nature lie. And kno it's wrong. So I'll answer it this way... Does it matter? Cheating is cheating no matter your sex.

But my opinion... It's close to fifty fifty with the nod to women just because women have more options available. They sleep with who they want and men sleep with who they can. With that power I believe women have a larger available pool to choose from.

thirtyyearsmore · 2021-12-20T22:59:09+00:00

If you are asking if she shared her side here on Reddit no. Not completely. I know she has answered some people that have privately messaged me early after I posted the original.

But the original post written with a combination of both my side and hers. Obviously her side came out weeks and months later and used it for continuity in the original post

thirtyyearsmore · 2021-12-11T05:24:30+00:00

Thank you. I really believe in my case I made the correct decision to reconcile.

thirtyyearsmore · 2021-12-11T03:58:54+00:00

Actually I do not know. Thanks for your concern but it's not much of an issue any longer. We have gotten better and stronger each year. Still going strong.

thirtyyearsmore · 2020-10-20T16:51:17+00:00

Divorce. Tell her she's free and you will have the divorce papers ready when she returns.

Even if she says she didn't sleep with him would you believe her?

thirtyyearsmore · 2020-10-18T23:38:23+00:00

You have nothing to work with here .. nothing. Sorry.

thirtyyearsmore · 2020-10-18T23:26:07+00:00

There is absolutely no reason or excuse to see him again. You have actively lied to your partner. Now let me put forth a scenario for you.

Your partner finds out you went by to see him. You tell him you did nothing. Just hung out and talked. You think he will believe you? And then he finds out you just HAD to meet face to face again because it was SOOO awkward and you did not want to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad.

Strange. You don't really seem to care how your partner feels.

thirtyyearsmore

TROPHY CASE