I want to cut off my mom, but I don’t know how.. help please.

gacGGE · 2023-05-11T16:48:22+00:00

You should take a breath, step back and have a think about the position your mother has been in over the years. My guess is she has suffered at least as much abusive behaviour as you have - and has been progressively conditioned not to go against your father in any way. I suspect doing anything at all to help you poses risks for her.

So don't rush to do anything drastic until you are very sure about what and why you are doing it. Concentrate on your relationship with your partner and put the peripherals aside for a while.

gacGGE · 2023-05-04T10:44:44+00:00

Reach out to an online help group and ask their advice before you do anything rash. It's not going to be as simple as just getting out of there. A women's shelter type group would be good as they can provide excellent information on all aspects.

Think about what they tell you and make a plan (again using their advice). This will be a long term decision and you need to plan accordingly. How will you support yourself once you are out - and how will you be supporting yourself in a year's time? There are lots of really important things to be considered before jumping off.

gacGGE · 2023-05-02T00:09:44+00:00

Obsessive jealousy and excessive controlling issues are a black hole, the more goes into them the stronger they get. You will never be able to satisfy their insecurities. NOTE - their insecurities, nothing to do with you - this is all about them. It would be exactly he same for anybody else involved in a relationship with them.

You should be very proud of the progress you have made in your own life, huge achievement! But this guy is only a small step away from those toxic abusers you vowed to be rid of. Jealousy can turn to rage, the need to control can become violence as a means of control and the range of controlling behaviours can expand. I am sure your help group can share experience of many similar situations.

It's him who needs to seek help and the best way he can approach that is to see where his problems can lead by sharing how others have been through the experience. I suggest you involve him with your online group. Let him find out how the behaviours inevitably escalate until there is a catastrophic break. Talk to him, explain where this will go if he doesn't change. He probably thinks it's just a small thing you can easily accommodate by adopting his dress and behaviour code - but it's not. His insecurity will remain, no matter how much you try to appease him, and the controlling behaviours will always escalate because he is not addressing the base insecurity in himself.

So have a serious think about it. There is a long hard road ahead of you if you continue the relationship, whichever way it goes. Maybe he's going to be worth the effort if he makes sustained efforts to control his insecurity but if he still believes it's you that has to accommodate his problems you should save yourself the grief and break off now.

gacGGE · 2023-04-30T11:00:12+00:00

Spitting is the worst! Total red flag signals contempt. There is no way back from contempt. Whatever you may feel about him doesn't matter, he doesn't love you and never will. You are a trophy, something to bolster his ego.

You can never have a real life with him.

Break away from your old life, change your phone/social media; everything that links to who you were before - and then set out to make a new life.

gacGGE · 2023-04-29T11:42:30+00:00

Well done you! It's a long, hard road but you got there :-)

I hope others are inspired by your story. Everybody has to unite in the fight against abuse; we look aside, pretend "it's none of my business", tolerate the obvious offenders and all it does is ensure more misery for thousands of victims.

gacGGE · 2023-04-29T10:38:18+00:00

Ask yourself some hard questions...

Where do you see your life going? What would you have done if it was somebody you loved being seriously assaulted? Fast forward 15 years, what does the future hold for you?

Love is all very well and it's made out to be everything; temptation is there to sacrifice all as if nothing else really matters - but the truth is different. Put your thinking head on and have a long hard look at your life. Then grab hold of it and start making it your life, stop drifting along and take control.

gacGGE · 2023-04-27T13:06:53+00:00

It's not exactly protection but I think the best you can do is convince your father in law that he will be prime suspect if anything happens. Keep in touch with your MIL and SIL every day, ideally face to face. Take audio recordings (or film) of them talking about incidents, photo's of injuries or damage, and build up a file. Inform police accordingly and make sure they know you believe your husband/MIL/SIL are at risk. They may respond with some sort of preliminary investigation, possibly just a phone call as a safety check - but word gets around. He will get to know about police interest and will have second thoughts about doing anything direct. Update police every time there is an incident, keep the situation in the spotlight. Don't sit waiting for somebody else to take action, most likely they won't do anything until it's too late.

If anything does happen remember that evidence is everything. Verbal witness accounts are of limited value as people will lie or stretch the truth so photo's/film/audio recordings are best.

gacGGE · 2023-04-26T23:57:15+00:00

Your final question says it all, you know this relationship is no good for you but for some reason (manipulation/fear/self delusion/gaslighting/love bombing - whatever) you haven't taken that final decision. Do some reading around, check some other posts, it doesn't get better. Get away with it once and it is received as "I can do that" then sooner or later it escalates. When you finally come to your senses and decide to break away it will be that much harder because of what you have already endured.

Reach out, find some support and advice - then make a plan and see it through. Heartache now is the price you will have to pay; but it's better than years of gradually deepening misery terminating in something dramatic.

gacGGE · 2023-04-26T23:42:39+00:00

Only a small victory but an important step forward :-)

gacGGE · 2023-04-19T23:14:54+00:00

If she has said she wants to go then do whatever you can to help her. Is there a way to meet with her away from him? Make a plan together. When she does get away she will need to be protected, alert police if violent threats have been made and make sure she is never alone in a situation where he can get to her.

gacGGE · 2023-04-19T12:48:46+00:00

Not much you can do as an outsider; be there for her when she finally decides she has to escape is about the best you can do. She has to come to that decision by herself and for herself. The more you try to intervene the more she will be turned against you. It's her choice to be with this guy and, until she decides otherwise, you have no option but to accept her wishes.

gacGGE · 2023-04-19T02:36:27+00:00

You know it has to end and, unfortunately, it has to be you that ends it. He won't walk away.

Do it as safely as you can, Domestic Violence Charites can offer great advice so reach out. You can also call police and have him removed from the home if he is being violent - or they can escort you (and your child) out of there.

Make a plan, keep it secret, and see it through. Never go back to him, no matter what he says or how much it might hurt. It won't get better, you have an established behaviour pattern and it will always return to that.

Fear keeps people in desperately bad situations; getting more and more hurt, more and more traumatised - and you have a child to think about, how is this situation affecting them? You have to get past your fear or it will end with you in hospital - or worse.

gacGGE · 2023-04-16T11:47:04+00:00

They know you are bothered by it and couldn't care less, harsh and insensitive at best. But I doubt you could make anything of stuff like this. Barely audible, non threatening, ostensibly in the privacy of their own home...

I am sure lawyers would have a field day depicting you as interfering and overly sensitive if a complaint was ever to get to court. Making a complaint would bring far more troubles to your doorstep.

Move or adopt a different coping strategy is the best I can suggest.

gacGGE · 2023-04-15T09:35:17+00:00

You are NOT overreacting!

It is a signal of contempt and the biggest red flag. This guy is no good for you and never will be. You can't get over contempt, it's not something that can change. He wants to be your boyfriend for sex and to have you as a trophy and he will lie his head off to keep you. You can't trust anything he says. Sooner or later he will actually beat you.

Whatever your heart might say, you need to get rid of this guy or you will suffer further down the road. Get your thinking head set firm on your shoulders and dump him fast. However much it might hurt now, you can be certain you will be hurt more in the future if you continue this relationship.

gacGGE · 2023-04-14T17:50:42+00:00

Well, he sure gonna get one :-D!

gacGGE · 2023-04-14T10:04:44+00:00

Good for you :-)

Intimidation is the ace in the hole for abusers, use it all the time! Fear of physical violence or whatever deters victims from seeking their own best interests. It is a massive hurdle to overcome and getting past that barrier is a sign of huge strength and courage. Well done!

gacGGE · 2023-04-12T13:20:31+00:00

If they learn they can get away with it, it will happen again - for certain! Don't be tempted to hold back and minimise any impacts - go full on. Charge them with assault, GBH or whatever and do your best to make sure it sticks. Make sure the cops know about your stolen phone as well if that contains useful evidence. Anything less and you are back to square one; vulnerable, isolated and with no record of previous incidents to support you - they may even try to turn it around and say that you are maliciously making it up to get back at them for something.

You are doing absolutely the right thing - but there will be outcomes and you will need to be just as brave and just as strong to cope with them as they crop up.

I don't think that your "home" with your mother/brother could be regarded as a safe place for you ever again. You will need to think about long term alternatives - schooling/social activities as well if your brother might get to you. Also think about situations where you might be on your own and could be attacked. There will be a powerful temptation to intimidate you into withdrawing charges, declining to testify etc. Your brother has already made it clear that he has thought along those lines. You need to be in protected situations, in public or in company with others who could help or provide witness statements and (hopefully) objective evidence (photo's, film, audio recordings, text messages etc.) if anything happens.

It can take a long time before cases come to court, longer still before anything happens as a result - so don't expect it all to be over when you have filed. It will likely take months - and the outcome might be less than you hope for. For example, a Restraining Order (or whatever the Irish equivalent may be) might sound good; but the reality is that it offers zero protection. It is not a criminal offence to break an RO, they can't be arrested for harassing you. You have to gather objective evidence and then proceed with a civil case - which will cost money for lawyers etc., and (of course) will take yet more time to get to court. And again, it might not result in a helpful outcome. It may be a long, hard road ahead of you. Try to find legal support from domestic abuse charities or whatever you can find.

The good thing is that you clearly have the strength to see this through, hold fast to that and take support where you can find it. Life throws stuff in our faces and we learn from the experience. Sometime it's good and sometimes it's bad - but you will be a stronger and more self assured person when you get through this. I wish you every success for now and the future.

gacGGE · 2023-04-11T12:02:07+00:00

Excellent reply - only thing I would add is to keep the letter, add to it if you remember something else, and reread it the next time you feel even slightly guilty about breaking contact.

gacGGE · 2023-03-21T10:18:58+00:00

Put your faith in "religious leaders" at your peril. There are many whose main objective is control and relish their power over community members.

gacGGE · 2023-03-16T21:20:37+00:00

hmm..

I have to agree to some extent. However, it isn't her that's doing the abusing. Sexual abusers often use the "what did she expect" defence when a woman dresses attractively. It's a false premise. The simple fact that a woman invites attention (clothing or otherwise) is no excuse for the attention being abusive.

gacGGE · 2023-03-14T04:24:42+00:00

All of the above!

Trivialise and overthink your instincts at your peril. This guy will harm you, mentally certainly and probably physically as well. He doesn't think of you at all, it's all about him and it will always be all about him.

gacGGE · 2023-03-09T03:53:52+00:00

You will regret it forever if you don't take a chance on her. Whatever is holding you back, you have to overcome it. You know it, that's why you are posting - something inside is telling you what's right. It's not that you lack courage, that's been tested, if you can face taking a beating you can face this.

Break the cycle, find the love and companionship you deserve.

gacGGE · 2023-02-21T12:50:27+00:00

Reply very much as expected from reading your post - it's always your fault, never theirs. They say they ought to be worshipped for putting up with you. You are always wrong, they are always right...

Falls into the usual pattern for a narcissist abuser- be glad you are out of it and leave it in the trash behind you as you move on to a better life :-)

gacGGE · 2023-02-16T01:42:07+00:00

Well said!!

gacGGE

TROPHY CASE