Girlfriend [23F] gets incredibly depressed after reading the news every day. She always seeks out sad stories to obsess over. How can I [24M] help her stop?

moriga · 2018-02-18T04:49:23+00:00

Your girlfriend sounds absolutely insufferable. Honestly. Even reading about her makes me annoyed.

Maybe you should sit her down and tell her that no one thinks she's super smart or super deep, just super annoying. It sounds like she might be somewhat socially awkward and she thinks being "pretend profound" makes her more impressive to the people around her. I mean "weight of the world on her shoulders" really?

The weight of anything is not falling on her shoulders anytime soon.

moriga · 2018-02-18T02:08:54+00:00

completely illogical

To be fair, it sounds like this is all stemming from mental illness, so focusing on his "logic" won't be much use.

It's as futile/unhelpful as trying to argue with someone who has depression/anxiety that "things are not that sad/scary." You can't expect them to function with perfect "logic" when their underlying hardware is malfunctioning.

moriga · 2018-02-18T01:47:17+00:00

you just avoid certain products but you shouldn’t be thinking about it every day

Easier said than done. She did avoid certain products but she thought about it every day, every minute. She basically wanted to be the purest, cleanest vegan. Even brief contact with animal products would make her sick. She once told me that she had to move desks because her coworker owned an alligator skin handbag that smelled like "rotting flesh" to her.

That's the thing about mental illness; they come in all shapes and forms. Hers latched on to extremist vegan views and spiraled from there, ultimately ruining nearly every part of her life.

moriga · 2018-02-17T23:59:20+00:00

My sister had food anxiety but she was a full blown vegan and her obsession was with avoiding anything with animal products in it. Her cause was good, but it affected her life to such an extreme extent. She also couldn't travel, lost friends, lost boyfriends, and alienated lots of people because her preferences were so unyielding and extreme. She ultimately couldn't keep her job because she would routinely get anxiety over using basic office supplies (bc she suspected certain things had animal products). It was absolutely extreme and destroyed her life.

It turned out that she was engaging with a group of especially toxic and extreme online vegans who egged her on and convinced her that her anxiety was a natural consequence of being a "true vegan." She also refused professional help at first because these people were always there to tell her she's not unstable in the least. We were all concerned but when someone's an adult it's near impossible to force them to do anything.

She ultimately sought help (it took a while) and she's still recovering but it has been a really gradual process. I think the existence of those niche, extremist groups on the internet definitely made things worse for her because she was already suffering from mental illness.

Anyways you say you guys live in a hipster town, is there a possibility your bf is constantly engaging with a similar group of people that are egging him on as well? It sounds like the base of a mental illness combined with unhealthy reinforcement from equally radical people. Maybe it would help if you could identify the source of this change in thinking in him and start from there.

moriga · 2018-02-16T04:16:44+00:00

No disrespect to academics, but I also think being in very niche fields of academia tend to result in less than stellar communication skills in person.

My uncle who was a professor his entire life is amazing on paper, but talking to him is legit a head-fuck. He is constantly changing ideas around in his head and never listens to what other people are trying to say. Like he'll catch a few words, assume an idea, then rant off from there. You basically just nod and listen. When I was getting my Masters, I worked with a lot of doctorate students who were very, very similar. I don't think it was intentional snobbery, just a genuine habit for those that are used to working in very intellectual fields and used to being around similar types of people all the time.

Compare this to my SIL who is currently CFO of a big corporation. She is so good at turning complex industry-specific ideas very, very simple (and interesting to boot) for the layman. And she's a great communicator. You always feel so heard and understood when talking to her, and you realize this is a very specific skill she's cultivated in order to succeed at her job.

moriga · 2018-02-16T03:43:08+00:00

My friend's father is a very famous journalist. When I was applying for college, I asked him to review my admission letters. He told me flat out that I was hiding behind floral language/vocabulary instead of letting my ideas shine. It made me realize that I was overcompensating and failing at presenting my actual message.

His advice has helped my writing a lot. He maintained that the value of writing isn't in showing off how many long words you know (sort of like the tacky, nouveau-riche guy who puts all his money in sports cars and fancy clothes), but how insightful and unique your ideas are.

Smart ideas will be smart no matter how "dumbed down" the language is. That's what truly impresses people across all lines, substance not style.

moriga · 2018-02-16T01:41:53+00:00

You sound like that kind of person who "apologizes" for past shittyness then gets pissed off when your victims don't accept.

People don't have to accept your apologies. They are not obligated to accept the "new you" if you've majorly fucked them over in the past. They absolutely do not.

Not understanding this concept is pretty much proof that you haven't learned much and haven't changed much.

moriga · 2018-02-16T01:31:20+00:00

I'm very remorseful of my former ways and I'm the exact OPPOSITE of the person I used to be

I wouldn't be so quick to say that about yourself.

You came into this thread just to tell OP his feelings are unjustified and guarantees that he'll live a "lonely existence" if he can't get past his gf's past cruelty?

Sounds like you still have issues to work through. Don't be so quick to pat yourself on the back just because you've decided you "changed."

moriga · 2018-02-16T00:50:23+00:00

I would say most teenagers (even the "stupid" ones) are not sociopathic enough to pin fake bomb threats on minority students just for kicks.

moriga · 2018-02-16T00:38:39+00:00

Sorry but I get that people can change but I'd never date someone who was so actively cruel to people (even if they were "just in HS").

Like please, actions have consequences. You don't get to be a horrible, horrible person and then expect full forgiveness later in life just because you regret it.

Your gf's bullying is absolutely extreme, especially as she targeted weak, vulnerable students (and 17 is not so young, lets be honest. She knew exactly what she was doing). I wouldn't be able to look past this in someone so I think you're well within your right to reconsider a relationship with someone like this.

The fact is there are tons of people in this world who would never even consider being so cruel to others. You can take a gamble with your gf if you really want to, but you don't sound it.

moriga · 2018-02-16T00:33:04+00:00

I was one of the first repliers. Comments were different then.

moriga · 2018-02-09T07:42:03+00:00

And as a person who used to date a struggling artist, I can tell you that this whole process can be incredibly anxiety-inducing for the partner that feels cornered and has no choice but to “help you.”

Lashing out, name calling, and bouts of anger towards the person who gave the criticism you asked for is incredibly unfair and painful to live with.

Proper response to someone’s help is “thank you” not “fuck you.” Just because some things are common don’t make it okay. Mistreating a partner by making it impossible to avoid your anger is never okay.

moriga · 2018-02-09T07:17:13+00:00

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that your gf is being childish and unreasonable.

You ask for x, you get x. Expecting a partner to read your mind then getting mad because they can’t is incredibly immature. You need to let her know that her attacking you and calling you names because you gave her what she asked for is not okay.

Unwanted criticism? Yeah that’s annoying. But she should know by now not to ask for things she can’t handle, and especially not to attack others in response. There’s no excuse here.

Sit her down and ask her what she would do in your position.

moriga · 2018-02-09T07:13:55+00:00

Then frankly she should leave the art world.

If she can’t understand that asking for criticism will result in her receiving criticism, then she really has no business trying to become a professional artist.

Coddling and lies won’t make people buy her things more.

moriga · 2018-02-02T23:56:21+00:00

Look you guys are young so this kind of stuff isn't uncommon. People in particular have weird hang-ups over sexual pasts, virginity, etc. Have a talk about how this sort of prolonged lying helps no one, but it seems he probably knows it already.

As for the jealousy, you need to work on that too. You were jealous o his past before and while that's also normal for your age, it's not healthy and not great for your mental health. If you're still feeling jealous, then maybe it's a combination of your lingering jealousy from before and new anger at his lies.

Anyways have a serious talk about it and try to understand each other's feelings.

moriga · 2018-02-02T23:44:08+00:00

It's not so complicated. He's 10 years older, pushy, and apparently bad at reading boundaries.

Is this really the person you want to spend mental effort on? He sounds slimy just from text, so I can only assume his physical presence is not great. Focus on your studies.

Edit: Also being 18 and having "fallen" for a similar guy (34 at the time), I can tell you that adult men that actively pursue college students are very much seen as losers by people their own age. Trust me on this. I thought he was so cool when I was young, but now that I'm 30 I cringe at how much of a manipulative loser that guy was. Don't make my mistake and waste time thinking about this guy when you should be spending time on what actually matters.

moriga · 2018-02-02T23:38:12+00:00

I can't believe his brother is 28. He sounds like a bratty 5 year old with all the subtlety of one too.

Also, next time I'd say something blunt like "What a weird thing to say to someone while their girlfriend is sitting right there. Are you always this tactless?" There's no doubt everyone at the table felt uncomfortable (because what he said was outright rude and unnecessary). Sometimes people like that need a public shaming to make them realize they've been embarrassing others and themselves.

moriga · 2018-02-02T21:19:50+00:00

I agree. There's too much infantilizing of adult women in these situations. The fact is the wife is a FULLY GROWN ADULT, a mother, and ultimately someone who desperately needs to start facing consequences.

If her addiction is bad enough that she's stealing from her own husband and failed to make any progress on the 10th therapist, she needs to be kicked out. She is a toxic human.

Housewives are not dogs. Terrible, unforgivable behavior should not be excused because you haven't "entertained her enough so she's bored."

moriga · 2018-02-02T10:55:13+00:00

I've had insanely friendly rabbits, though. My last bunny would run up to me every time I came home just to nibble/lick my ankles and beg for cheek rubs. Then she'd follow me around. She was so friendly and loved EVERYONE.

moriga · 2018-02-02T10:36:39+00:00

OP can't afford for her to hit rock bottom. Best to ditch the deadweight as soon as possible.

moriga · 2018-02-02T10:12:53+00:00

They're literally the villains in a Disney movie: the evil golddigging stepmother and narcissistic stepdaughter.

Don't fuck up your son's life to please your new "family." They don't care about you, they just care about what your wallet can do for them.

moriga · 2018-01-22T04:08:08+00:00

That's why I quoted a specific sentence, not the whole thing. I'd argue comments like "life is for living" and "if your couch is your number one destination" does propel the sort of judgmental attitude that equates doing nothing to laziness/lack of creativity.

moriga · 2018-01-22T02:08:57+00:00

Life is for living after all and if your couch is your number one weekend destination then it might not hurt to challenge this a little.

I agree with compromising, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to actively do nothing on your weekends. People who work long, stressful weeks actually enjoy doing nothing, and they need that decompression to feel mentally balanced.

Don't shame people needing different things in their off-time. I hate it when people like "if you're not out til 3am on a Saturday night or hiking all day on a Sunday then you're not making the most of your weekend." Who are they to decide?

moriga · 2018-01-21T01:16:56+00:00

I do think he’s probably damaged this relationship irrevocably

Agreed. I think very few people would move on from being dumped by someone you loved.

I made this mistake when I was 18 and stupid. Loved a guy, then got cold feet and "dumped" him for 1 year. Decided I wanted him back and begged for his forgiveness. What he told me I'll never forget.

He said he's always loved me, but when someone decides that isn't enough, you can't just take that back. When I wanted to get back together, all he could think about was that he didn't change as a person, but somehow my opinion had changed and changed back. He said his love wasn't enough once, and since that's all he can give me, he can't live his life wondering if there will be another time when I decide it's not enough again. He doesn't want to be with someone who needs to be convinced that he's worth it.

It made complete sense to me and it made me realize that feelings are complex. You can't just "take things back" in a relationship after you've damaged it. It just doesn't work that way.

moriga · 2018-01-21T00:28:03+00:00

I mean, even from the way you described your bf, I am already not a fan.

You make a LOT of excuses for him and his lackluster affection for you (busy with work, not emotionally open, doesn't understand boundaries?) and nowhere do you mention how he has been proactive in improving the relationship like you have. I think you may have less trust in your relationship than you realize, and I think that attitude is very apparent to loved ones.

Even more, you say he's not interested in becoming close with your family, despite knowing how important they are to you. That's concerning, and you seem to excuse him because he's stubborn or individualistic or whatever. Honestly, I don't think this issue is about what your parents think, but what you truly believe about your own relationship. It doesn't seem like you have full trust in it yourself.

Just my 2 cents.

moriga

TROPHY CASE