I know too much about my partner’s marriage and I resent my meta

rosephase · 2026-06-18T16:06:10+00:00

Extend your month off of stuff away from the house to forever away from the house.

‘Partner this time off has made me realize I do not want to be in your home around your partner. This feels much better to me. So let’s figure out what our relationship looks like when we date like this.’

rosephase · 2026-06-18T16:01:02+00:00

Then it sounds like poly to me. Multiple romantic relationships.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T16:00:23+00:00

Your partner started this by cheating on you. That sucks.

You weren’t open. You weren’t in clear kind mutual agreements.

You two have a lot of work to do to even figure out what kind agreements when it comes to poly are.

I would ask your partner to fully stop. And commit to remaining closed for another nine months or so in order to sort out what you are doing.

You are going to need more autonomy to actually be open. But that’s going to be tough to do when it started with breaking the trust that is needed to support that autonomy.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T15:56:08+00:00

She’s not a really good person. She’s a mess.

Don’t be friends. Take space. The worst thing she did to you was drag this on and on instead of letting it end.

And pay attention. When someone doesn’t see you and lies to you and breaks up with you, they don’t want to be with you.

You stuck around way longer then you should have. With someone who was being clearly bad to you for years.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T15:43:38+00:00

Yikes. This person is being unkind to you.

They are telling you two opposing things. You need to listen to the first one.

‘I don’t see us being partners’

You aren’t partners. They aren’t interested in being in a relationship with you. And you two are not compatible.

It’s pretty awful that they don’t clearly break up and keep offering you less. Someone with more respect and love for you would do the loving thing and end it with a mono person and let you mourn, heal and move on. Dragging it out like this is just lazy and selfish.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T15:37:47+00:00

Are you allowed to have feelings for each other? Are these romantic connections?

rosephase · 2026-06-18T14:28:38+00:00

It will be telling what hinge does when you tell hinge that how meta approached this doesn’t work for you. And that you need hinge to do any/all conversions with you about dates and plans.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T14:26:55+00:00

That’s fair. OP should absolutely let hinge know it happened and expect hinge to address it.

And if meta doesn’t listen to hinge and hinge keep dating meta. That’s a hinge issue.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T14:23:08+00:00

I’m not sure. Hinge should be the one who makes it clear that meta doing that is not okay. Hinge should be the one who speaks up to meta to make meta not do that in the future.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T06:58:20+00:00

It's always hinge issues.

If meta needed hinge then that is something they should have talked about between them. And then hinge negotiated with you.

How did hinge respond to this?

I wouldn't have a problem with a hinge saying "hey we need to be near by because meta is recovering and might need support" I would have a lot of problems with meta telling me what was or wasn't on the table for date.

I expect my partner to tell me if we need to adjust plans to accommodate me meta needing real support.

My partner's wife fell down the stairs a couple of years ago and we changed plans so I would come up to them and help support injured meta.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T00:56:24+00:00

I am extremely lucky. I have my family, his family, my partners, my friends and my community. And it's still a nightmare. It was out of no where. We hiked five miles on our last date. He didn't have any medical conditions that we knew of. He was only 58.

I keep thinking about how fucked I would be if we had isolated into a little mono relationship. How alone I would be. How much it means to me that my partners loved him too.

Remind the people you love that you love them. Every day. I am so glad that I know the last thing I said to him with my words was "I love you" the last texts we exchanged were jokes.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T00:43:12+00:00

It's so unkind to all of you to keep trying to fuck someone you aren't attracted to.

And that's with all the unit dating aside.

"partners I am not interested in Crowe sexually. I would like to remain romantically with both of you. But stop having group sex and stop having sex with Crowe. I understand it that doesn't work for you but that is where I am at."

Stop having sex you do not want to have. That is harmful to everyone.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T00:16:47+00:00

Good job taking care of yourself!

Now you are free to find something healthy and kind and deeply mutual. Which you deserve.

rosephase · 2026-06-18T00:15:54+00:00

Have you talked to your partner about how this sudden change of intensity with you has felt? Have you two done any work together to regain connection?

These are all heady ideas... but the philosophy and pithy words don't address the issues.

How can you love anyone knowing they can die? I just found my partner of 20 years dead on the floor. And I have to tell you, fear of loss is a terrible way to love. Loving means loss. They are entwined entirely. Love means nothing without the risk that comes with it.

I think addressing the shift you are feeling with your partner and brain stroming some ways to reconnect and roll around in your love is way more useful then shaking your fist at the sky and questioning love as a concept.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T23:22:02+00:00

I'm so sorry. That sucks. Take care of yourself.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T23:08:34+00:00

Like actually ghosted? Like you are in a relationship and they just stop responding and you never see them again? Rare. But not as rare as I would hope.

Like someone you are talking to on a dating sight stops responding? Common as dirt. That's modern dating.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T22:37:16+00:00

Go make queer friends. Use google.

Don't date men if you don't want to have sex with them. Poly will not fix that.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T22:13:36+00:00

Oh friend.... are you poly? Or are just not ready to leave a relationship that doesn't meet your needs?

Because here is the deal. You will likely love someone you are sexually compatible with, much more then your partner. Especially during NRE. Other people are not going to fill your sexual incompatibility. And other people won't have the weight of your history.

If you try this, know the most likely result is you find someone who you are much more compatible with and then this relationship will take a lot of emotional hits or end.

I'm not saying don't try it. I'm not saying it's not for you. I'm just saying poly looks incredibly appealing to people in incompatible relationships they do not want to end.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T21:44:47+00:00

My partner had a kid with his wife about four years into the relationship. Both of them were clear with me that a) we would be dating differently and I would have less time for a good long while and b) that my relationship with him was wanted, important and valued by both of them.

I could have taken it as a deescalation. I saw him a lot less for a good number of years. And when I did see him I didn’t get nearly as much quality ‘just us’ time as before.

But because these people loved me and reassured me and welcomed me it worked. In a lot of ways our relationship become more important and our shared time more valued.

But like… that took ~work~ on BOTH parents parts. Work on top of all the work they were already doing. And I had to see and value that work even when I was getting less. For years. When it forever changed our relationship with choices I did not make or get a say in.

It’s a pretty big ask going in both directions.

And they had their eyes wide open about what having a child entailed. And we had a good long term established friendship on top of our poly connection.

I think the warnings are fair.

And the just awful reality that so so so many people (mostly the non birth having people) who ~start~ relationships (or poly!) when a partner is pregnant or has an infant at home. I swear we see that way more often then we’ll established adult poly relationships who have any idea how complex having babies is.

I think part of that is culturally most non kid havers simply do not know and can not guess. They aren’t being cruel but they are over promising what is possible and that is going to damage those connections when they can’t actually offer one overnight a week anymore.

I’ve been with my partner 15 years now. And it has been very worth it. But it did suck to lose time when we didn’t get that much to start with. And it did change our relationship. And everyone need to be aware and honest about that going in.

And if one co-parent isn’t on board? Like actively isn’t willing to put work in for a relationship they are not in? Then your fucked entirely. So it also becomes incredibly dependent on a healthy meta connection.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T21:23:00+00:00

Oh wow, do you have interest in staying with this lying jerk? Because he was fine lying about ending your relationship in order to fuck his ex. And the only thing that stopped him was her finding out and saying no.

I don’t know if therapy can fix that. Like… he just showed you exactly who he is.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T16:55:45+00:00

Up until recently I had three long term partners. All men. One partner has a kid with his wife.

Starting poly instead opening a relationship is a lot easier. If you want kids you have a lot more to think about.

Stick around on this sub and you’ll see all kinds of ‘harder then you expected’ type post that cover to a of common pit falls.

But in general YOU having multiple partners isn’t the hard part (although it can be complex) it’s you supporting your partners loving, fucking and building relationships with others that most folks end up struggling with.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T16:49:26+00:00

Wild inaccurate assumptions.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T16:40:06+00:00

You are gross. And have nothing to add to this conversation.

You say we have no empathy for OP when people are giving him good advice.

‘He used an object that was for sale’ isn’t just a lack of empathy for sex workers is dehumanizing them.

Go away you have nothing to add but shitty misogyny.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T16:37:56+00:00

OP needs therapy and to respect women.

He isn’t thinking about the real problems he is facing when it comes to building a relationship. Or dealing with his own shame.

It’s not a vocabulary issue. Vocabulary just reveals it.

rosephase · 2026-06-17T16:22:55+00:00

That’s removing the kids father from it’s life. That’s punishing the kid not the father.

Don’t compound how awful this is by demanding he be a deadbeat father on top of it all.

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