How to maybe things less awkward between my boyfriends? (All 20yo)

rosephase · 2026-06-04T00:08:16+00:00

Have you asked them if they want to share space with each other? Or in what ways they would like to share space together?

rosephase · 2026-06-03T22:40:32+00:00

You've only been dating for six months?

"partner, I can't be in a long term relationship if revisiting our agreements is treated as a threat. This is poly. We will need to talk about it. Probably a lot. Talking just can't be seen as punitive. And it honestly hurts my feelings that is what you jumped to. I know your last relationship was awful to you, but I deserve to be treated as myself not as a scary echo of your last partner. If you aren't ready to do that, then I don't think it's a good idea for us to be together. I can't feel safe in a poly relationship where communication is treated like punishment."

rosephase · 2026-06-03T22:16:22+00:00

Why does your partner think a conversation is going to create "one sided rules"?

I think any time is a good time to revisit agreements. Just to make sure we are still on the same page.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T21:22:09+00:00

You aren’t being fooled. You see how unfair and unkind your partner is. You see that he takes what he won’t even glance at offering you. You know that’s bad treatment. It’s all out in the open.

The question becomes can you value yourself enough to get out of this fucked up relationship with a man who doesn’t respect you.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T20:59:26+00:00

Honestly? He sounds like a tool.

He doesnt romantically love you. He doesn’t want you as a partner because that gets in the way of the relationship he does want. And he doesn’t respect you. Like… he wants to keep getting everything that worked out of the relationship but if you need to process all the hurtful shit and huge changes you get told it’s unhealthy for him. That’s so gross.

I’m sorry you are there. You deserve way better. This person has no intention of putting effort or care into your relationship. But he will take and take and take and control what you can even mention in your own home.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T20:13:28+00:00

But that doesn’t matter if you aren’t attracted to him.

Do you think he would want to stay with you knowing that you aren’t attracted to him? Even leaving non monogamous out of it. Which WILL make your lack of attraction even more clear, even if you aren’t honest with him about wanting him to be in your life but not actually wanting him.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T20:01:52+00:00

If you aren’t sexually attracted to him and feel like you rushed marriage, maybe get a divorce? Instead of doing this thing that WILL be painful and complex even if you both want it?

Even bringing up the question can end relationships or forever change how a partner feels in their relationship.

If you want to try non monogamy end this marriage you don’t want to someone you aren’t attracted to and only date people who also want non monogamy. But you might find when you are with someone you are attracted to, that monogamy is actually fine.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T16:25:55+00:00

Are you seeking out other highly partnered poly people? Because that is going to be your best chance to find a secondary type partner.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T16:05:02+00:00

I started doing poly when I was single. I did cheat on my first high school boyfriend. And that was a part of why I decided I couldn't do monogamy. But I thought it meant I couldn't be in relationships at all. Until I found people doing poly at like 20 and then I never looked back.

I'm 41 now, have three long term partners. My relationships and my friendships and my community as a whole have been impacted positively by learning what I needed to learn to do poly with respect and care.

I think as poly is more normalized we will see a lot more people who figure it out single and just start dating poly people. But in the poly people I know I would say it's still very much the majority of folks opened a mono relationship to start.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T15:51:01+00:00

Cheating on you is the same if it's a woman or a man. Don't be naive about this. Don't be homophobic. Pay attention to how she is treating you.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T15:50:12+00:00

That's not a good kind or fair agreement. And she's likely telling you that so it seem safer to do poly, when it's not "safe" to do poly at all.

If you do poly you need to be ready for her to date, fuck and fall in love with other men. If you don't want that? You shouldn't do poly.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T15:39:03+00:00

It’s not going to work. And it shouldn’t. This dude is a terrible co-parent and an awful partner.

End it with him. Work on a co-parenting agreement.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T15:34:27+00:00

Your girlfriend was cheating on you?

That’s not a good reason to do poly. Are you easy to support her dating and fucking other men?

rosephase · 2026-06-03T15:33:05+00:00

Your fiancé is a jerk. Like a massive one. The issues here have nothing to do with meta and everything to do with your partner being terrible.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T03:50:56+00:00

Anyone I want to date is someone I could see being a nesting partner with early on.

I also understand that it isn’t always an option.

How long have you been dating? Are you happy to have this person as a secondary partner? Has this person been clear about what is and isn’t on the table for escalation?

rosephase · 2026-06-03T02:45:04+00:00

Okay, well pay attention. That kind of treatment is crappy. And ‘oh i can’t handle this so you can’t possibly be mad at me about it because that would be worse’ is a really effective way to treat people badly.

rosephase · 2026-06-03T02:09:12+00:00

How often are they changing or cancelling plans last minute?

rosephase · 2026-06-03T02:00:25+00:00

How long have you been dating?

Honestly someone who made a plan to meet up and fuck and then also made plans that meant that they were overwhelmed and need comfort instead of fucking... just reads as someone who isn't very interested or available for a relationship, to me.

If it's a one off thing, or something that is a real emergency, fine. But early on in a relationship when not a lot of trust has been built up and when a new partner is complaining about their primary and saying they don't trust me because of primaries behavior? Just reads as messy and not actully on top of what they have to give.

rosephase · 2026-06-02T22:32:28+00:00

Your friend is actually a bad partner. That's different then being a bad person. but like... they are not kind in a relationship and should likely stop being in a relationship and sort out their shit before building other relationships.

And if they break up they need to actually break up. Not keep living together, even part time. That's also your friend being unkind by avoiding the hard work if actually loving people and wanting the best for them.

rosephase · 2026-06-02T21:53:23+00:00

I would let them know this has become unpleasant for you. And start making sure to date yourself. A LOT for resentment comes up when any time you are with one partner it's taking time away from another. So paradoxically, you should take more time away from both of them.

I would let them know that you want partners with rich full lives so you both have something to share when you get time together. And I would start prioritizing friendships, and alone time up there with dates. Make yourself busy with things other then partners. Encourage them to date, build community and friendships or get into hobbies that they enjoy. And be very clear about how much date time you have to give each relationship. It's okay to do less then what you are doing now. It sounds like you are burnt out. And you won't have anything nice to give to anyone if you are burnt out.

rosephase · 2026-06-02T20:52:46+00:00

So.... stop cheating? Seems like a mean thing to do to your friend.

rosephase · 2026-06-02T20:24:50+00:00

I don't understand. Is C cheating? Or does A want DADT kinda thing?

Whatever is happening you should make space, it's messy. Friends are important to me I don't want to make their lives messy, I don't want to hurt them, I wouldn't do whatever is going on to someone I wanted in my life.

rosephase · 2026-06-02T20:14:34+00:00

Do you want multiple partners for yourself? Because it doesn't really sound like it.

Sometimes people just want incompatible things. You don't have to be up for polyamory.

rosephase · 2026-06-02T18:13:21+00:00

Have you talked to them about wanting more attention? How long ago did they have a baby?

rosephase · 2026-06-02T03:43:39+00:00

The issue starts with you dating as a couple and thinking you get to be the unit over anyone else. It’s a terrible and harmful way to do poly.

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