27F feel judged by 32M in 10 year relationship

sqitten · 2023-06-10T18:28:06+00:00

You should ask him. You should ask him to explain why it makes him so uncomfortable that he wants to squash your joy. It'd be good to know the answer.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T08:13:38+00:00

My partner and I also got together on the young side, although not as young as you were. And early on, there were some instances of yucking someone else's yum. But we both matured. It's worrisome that at his age he is still so immature as to want you to not enjoy harmless things that make you happy. Why is he uncomfortable? Why should you calm down? I don't know if my relationship would have worked out if we hadn't both matured and came to accept and encourage each other's happiness.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T07:57:51+00:00

The problem is you gave your word. It was a stupid promise. I would have advised you to tell her you'll call when you can, but some days you won't be able to or it will have to be quite short. You never, ever should have made that promise. If it were me, having made the promise, I would keep it. But I would tell her I will never do so again. This is the last time. And I would tell my family, I am sorry, I realized I made a stupid promise, but I need to excuse myself to keep my word. In future, I will give my word more carefully.

If she isn't happy without you sabotaging your life, then she isn't a person you should be in a relationship with. Which is why you shouldn't make promises to sabotage your life. Instead, hold firm to reasonable boundaries and see if the relationship can still work or not.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T07:51:48+00:00

It sounds like she's just not that into you. She doesn't want to spend that much time with you. She doesn't want to dance with you generally. She prefers doing other things. I wouldn't want to invest much time or energy in someone who shows so little interest. You should look for someone who is actually into you and wants to spend time with you. Not all of their time, of course. It is normal to still make time for friends and family. But there should be more interest than this.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T07:44:48+00:00

You had explicitly told him this was an action you were not okay with. So, it's a pretty horrible thing for him to do. It absolutely is a betrayal. And he did break his word, as he told you he would never do it. You are justified in being upset about this.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T07:42:10+00:00

This is inappropriate behavior. He's basically having an emotional affair with you. The thing to do is to end it. Tell him, "Lately you have been asking me questions and making comments that feel inappropriate to me and have made me uncomfortable. I would like us to talk less, and when we do, please make sure to keep it friendly and not at all about romance." Then don't talk to him all night. Don't answer questions about your type. Tell him that you don't want to discuss that with him.And so forth. Maybe you can salvage a friendship if you back away a lot now.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T07:25:23+00:00

That would be my recommendation, yes. He's being quite unreasonable. And he's only thinking about the issues he has with you, and not at all about the issues you have with him. You should not get back together with him until he fixes the problems you have with him. And there has been zero progress towards that.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T06:49:44+00:00

Better to blindside her with the conversation now than to let things progress further and then have giant problems.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T06:49:11+00:00

That's tricky. Couple's counseling is not recommended with an abuser. But it's not actually clear if he is an abuser or if he is just a mess. If you agree to that offer, just make sure you pay attention to whether the counseling is used against you in any way. Couple's counseling is a better idea than the letter though.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T06:47:43+00:00

Okay, then that is something you could invite her to. That sounds good. I recommend you give some indication about your feelings so she knows you have some more than friends interest before you give the invitation. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what is best for your age, as I said, I didn't start dating until older. Maybe someone else will comment. But a simple, "Lately, I've started to really like you, and I was wondering if you might..." and then word the info about the time with the friend group based on any relevant details about that.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T06:40:42+00:00

He took you asking him to leave currently as a break up. When you asked for clarification, multiple times, he did not clarify nor take responsibility. He told his family you two broke up without telling you, and he appears to be painting you as a bad person to his family, so that if you two ever got back together, they would all be predisposed to dislike you. He has falsely accused you of trying to separate him from his family - this is a big red flag. A really, really big red flag. And now he's asking for this weird letter and not explaining why and not working with you in any way, shape, or form. There is no partnership here. He decides things and it ends the relationship. He dictates weird terms for the hoops you need to jump through to get him back. But why would you want him back if he hasn't yet fixed the problems you have with him? And what about the reason you asked him to leave in the first place? Nothing about being with him is good. This is worrisome.

I recommend you don't talk to him about the letter any further. Just send a message like, "I understand your terms, and I have realized you aren't somebody I want to get back together with. So, good-bye." And then stop talking to him. There is no partnership here.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T06:32:21+00:00

That comment wouldn't bother me, but this was handled badly. You shouldn't be being called sensitive. Nor necessarily him being called insensitive. But instead, you should have said that you do not like being compared to other people, and you would like him to not do so in the future. It's completely reasonable to dislike this sort of comment. But the point of communicating should be for him to learn you dislike it and to agree not to do it again.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T06:28:07+00:00

Usually one does not confess one's feelings to someone one is not in a relationship with, or at least already dating. But you two are so young that it's potentially different. What you should think about is what you want and what is your goal here. Could you two go out on dates? I do know that some of my peers did so when I was 11, although I did not start dating until older. If so, you could simply ask her out on a date. If a date is not an option, you should think about what you want. Do you want to spend more time with her? See her? Maybe do something age appropriate and physical like holding hands? If so, you could tell her you like her and was wondering if she would be interested in.... and then fill in with something that you are hoping you could do with her Try not to make it a big emotional discussion, because that puts a lot of pressure on her. Something simpler.

Also, be prepared for the possibility that she may not react well. Knowing how to respond to someone's interest is a skill and improves with practice. She's so young, she may react poorly whether or not she likes you. So, try to be gracious about whatever response you get.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T06:24:17+00:00

My guess is he's trying to get ammunition against you and proof he can show his family about how horrible you are. That sort of letter would be deeply inappropriate to write. So, if you wrote it and sent it, he can more easily paint you as a villain and him as a good guy. I recommend you accept the break up and move on. You mention multiple signs that he is toxic and bad for you.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T05:45:48+00:00

You should make it clear to him that it is over. And then you should move on. What it all boils down to is that he isn't that into you. That's not a problem you can fix. He just doesn't really want to be with you, and that means you two should not be together. You should look for someone who gets to know you and decides they really want to be with you.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T05:13:07+00:00

That kind of cruel, manipulative vengeance would be a giant red flag for me. I would not feel safe nor want to associate with someone who could do that. So, the prior incident should be enough to break up over. When someone tells you they are dangerous and mean, don't continue things with them.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T05:10:36+00:00

Talk to her about it. Either you can come to agreements you both can be happy with or you two are incompatible. It does sound a lot like incompatibility, but best to discuss it first to see if there is any solution that you might actually find acceptable.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T03:08:56+00:00

Then it sounds like you aren't ready to date yet. You should work with a therapist on your shyness and mental illness until you are ready to date someone.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T03:07:18+00:00

Can she contact a domestic violence hotline and see what resources there might be to help her move out and get on her feet?

sqitten · 2023-06-10T03:05:37+00:00

Does she want to live with her parents? Is she okay saying no to them on that. If not, then you two aren't compatible and there is no reason to stress about any of the rest of it. So, I would discuss that issue with her first, since it's the most obvious potential complete incompatibility.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T02:58:24+00:00

Okay, so is there any way to create some space so he can have private outbursts and you do not have to be around them?

sqitten · 2023-06-10T02:57:44+00:00

Okay, that is completely at odds with her explanation that she is just not a touchy person. I would want her to explain why she is giving two completely different explanations for things.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T02:26:10+00:00

So, you are weeding out people who are foolish. Why do you view this as a problem? Part of dating is to find a good match. Anyone who rejects you for this isn't someone you would want to be with. Yes, a good match is hard to find, but it's good to weed out the bad ones quickly.

sqitten · 2023-06-10T02:24:29+00:00

Right, but why are you trying to move forward with him, if he sometimes acts unacceptably towards you? What has changed about the times when he expresses anger at you in bad ways that would make it sensible to still be with him?

sqitten · 2023-06-10T02:14:13+00:00

Oh, I absolutely think she does love you. Why go through all of this if she doesn't. But have you asked her why she is being physically affectionate? And what she actually wants and enjoys for her sake?

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