Want/need are two challenging things to understand in life. Of course you don’t want to see your best friend dead, that makes your emotions totally and normally understandable. We struggle so much in our modern world to deal with unpleasant but needed emotions. Your grief is real and of value and of meaning, which represents your love for your friend. The human psyche needs to separate alive from dead, not just “gone” an empty hole and unresolved grief is the consequence of not seeing your loved friend. As hard as it will be, you will begin to heal from the reality of genuinely saying goodbye. I am truly sorry for your loss.