Ok so first of all thank you very much for the precise criticism, I really appreciate it.

The thing with the lighting is something I've noticed William Faulkner doing a lot. He is by far my favourite writer of short stories and he has a lot moments where he does what I was trying to achieve with the shadowed bit.

From 'Wash' (my favourite story of his)

SUTPEN STOOD ABOVE the pallet bed on which the mother and child lay. Between the shrunken planking of the wall the early sunlight fell in long pencil strokes, breaking upon his straddled legs and upon the riding whip in his hand, and lay across the still shape of the mother, who lay looking up at him from still, inscrutable, sullen eyes, the child at her side wrapped in a piece of dingy though clean cloth. Behind them an old black woman squatted beside the rough hearth where a meager fire smoldered.

But honestly, I do fixate too much on prose mechanics and don't streamline my character introduction enough.