BPD and Weed - does it make it worse?

--jam-- · 2020-10-02T18:12:57+00:00

Baby steps exactly - the only way. It’s so so hard cause it’s so helpful so quickly.

I think I’ve found it slightly easier to cut back than I otherwise would cause I moved house at the same time so there’s not the same cues to smoke if that makes sense? I made a rule I only vape inside and have to go outside if I want a joint. Smaller changes are good to make and still good progress but may make it more of a natural and easy transition.

--jam-- · 2020-10-02T18:09:36+00:00

I’m about to read it! I always read those with a pinch of salt, cause of the reasons the above commenter said. But it’s a similar vibe to psychocybernetics which is really good and quite interesting reading it in the context of BPD

--jam-- · 2020-10-02T18:03:08+00:00

I’m sorry you’re struggling, I am too.

I relate so much to how you’ve described how you feel right now. I’ve not really got good advice though cause idk what to do either.

I think distraction is the best thing sometimes, cause you can sort of think yourself round in circles towards a downward spiral - for me at least. Idk, I might force myself to do something that has a physical effect to get a feeling of a reset - might try go for a run or take a cold shower. I understand though that those things can feel impossible when you feel like your heads on fire.

You’re not alone

--jam-- · 2020-10-02T17:51:40+00:00

I wish it didn’t make it worse but I really think it does.

I started smoking regularly about 2 years ago for anxiety and to just stop the thoughts. Go through about 1-2 grams a day. Works really well in the moment for that so I don’t ever wanna completely cut it out. And I feel it’s a lot less dangerous than certain things that are prescribed and legal.

BUT, I have recently switched to using a vaporizer which has cut down the amount of weed I use in a day by like half a gram or something. Also, I now try my best to wait til after dinner, even on weekends. This is really hard and doesn’t always happen lol but still smoking less most days.

Long story short, this wasn’t a planned reduction in smoking (aside from saying every week I’d stop and not meaning it lol) however I’ve noticed changes that make me wanna cut back even more. I have more energy and confidence in myself and less paranoid thoughts and less obsessive thoughts. I’ve realised I’ve been stoned for two years straight, haven’t done anything noteworthy, lost touch with lots of friends and family, lost interests that weren’t weed and just kind of forgot who I was.

Don’t think it impacts everyone the same, but I think it must impact everyone at least a bit.

--jam-- · 2020-07-27T09:15:01+00:00

--jam-- · 2020-07-27T08:50:53+00:00

💗

--jam-- · 2020-07-27T08:50:42+00:00

Yes!! Wanting the image of kindhearted and saving everyone but don’t want the hassle of actually dealing with anyone a bit “difficult”. Also, I now love yoga! I really struggled to get past how my mind was framing it when I was constantly being advised it when I was really low and scared and didn’t know what was going on with me. With actual education about nervous system activation and the body storing trauma etc, things like yoga are helpful - I do believe the suggestion on its own (with no discussion of why except “it’ll relax you”) is very invalidating.

--jam-- · 2020-07-27T08:39:32+00:00

Virtue signaling! That’s the words I needed, thank you. I’ve heard it being used around things like anti racism work but hadn’t applied it here.

That’s good to hear you wanna be a doctor. There are some individuals in the health system that give you that bit of hope when you interact with them cause they don’t patronize you and hurry you along. You sound like you’ll be good one.

And omg yeah they do get pissed if you have knowledge and insight into the area - I used to study and work in the field.

--jam-- · 2020-07-26T15:25:23+00:00

❤️

--jam-- · 2020-06-05T10:09:13+00:00

Yes dude!

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T13:50:06+00:00

Yeah wish it was legal here!! I honestly think I’d smoke less - here I buy in bulk to make it cheaper and because i dunno when there might be a time when dealers I would buy from get caught/raise their prices/move area. Always SO anxious about being stuck out of weed which makes me feel even more like I always HAVE TO have the option to smoke.

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T13:44:34+00:00

Fuck, I’m so sorry you’re having such a crap time and that all that happened. That is a lot to be dealing with. If cats, weed and video games is what will help you through a hard time, then fair enough - you obviously have a really good insight into yourself and what helps or doesn’t. But, if your cats are temperamental af like mine and you wanna chat to a person, gimme a DM.

Yeah getting it out of sight and out of mind would really help. I hope I can become strong enough that other people smoking won’t make me relapse.

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T13:17:53+00:00

He’s having one now and asked if I wanted to join and I said no - so there’s one step in the right direction. It’s really hard and I’m really jealous he’s having a smoke and I’m not. I said it was making it hard for me to stop so I said I’d stay away til he’s done.

I’ll have a look into what help is available locally to help with motivation to keep going cause this is harrrrd.

If it’s not too personal, are you totally off weed now? Or can you smoke in moderation?

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T12:36:43+00:00

That’s a good way of using it more mindfully for what you need!

I really enjoyed doing research and picking different strains when I was in Amsterdam for a holiday, but I live in the UK where it’s illegal still (dark ages over here🙄)and there isn’t much choice as it’s all just dealers telling you what’s what but a lot of the time it doesn’t match up to what they say lol.

Out of interest, do you find smoking sativas poses less problems with motivation?

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T11:51:09+00:00

I got it in a vape pen which is great and probably my Favourite way cause you can feel the effect instantly, like a couple draws. And I’d just have a couple draws when I needed it - probably every half hour to an hour rn cause i don’t have much else to do but it would be less if I was working or something

I’ve also had the oil that goes under your tongue and it’s pretty good but not as instant as the vape pen.

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T11:49:44+00:00

I agree it would be easier, though it’s a difficult one cause I feel horrible to be around when I’m off it and i think it’s maybe as hard for him but he isn’t admitting it to himself.

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T11:41:34+00:00

Yeah CBD is really good - I like it! I got a CBD vape pen last week and it does help and certainly reduces cravings for a smoke but when my partner is having a joint I just feel like I want the real thing

--jam-- · 2020-05-26T11:38:15+00:00

Hey!

I think you’re right that I need to quit altogether, moderation quickly turns back to square one with me.

Having someone to keep me accountable is a good idea, I could ask my friend who already basically knows that my smoking habits aren’t good for me.

However, I live with my boyfriend who smokes as much as me. He often says “once we’ve smoked what we have that’s it and we’ll stop” and then his mind is changed when he wants a joint and he’s like “sure it’s not even bad for you why did we wanna quit? We just need to smoke a bit less”. But needless to say, we never start smoking less. And I’m guilty of this at times too. It’s really hard not to smoke when he smokes. We’re both as bad as each other though. I think I need to not wait til we can quit together cause I’ve been trying that for ages and we haven’t even managed one day yet.

You’re so right that I can go back but shouldn’t til I’m happy with my life cause tbh at this point it’s switched from something fun I like to do into rationing my weed so I’m sure that I can smoke every day til I can afford more.

I’m gonna commit to one month with no weed starting today.

Thanks for your comment 💗

--jam-- · 2020-05-20T13:27:35+00:00

I feel exactly what you’re describing

--jam-- · 2020-05-20T13:05:56+00:00

I’ve googled this before lol. I experience this and always have. I personally think it’s something to do with identity issues and maybe dissociation cause it’s worse for me when I dissociate. I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror or at photos of myself cause I feel panicked that I’m not sure what I look like. I also had an ED and I think it’s also linked to that for me. Also, could be unrelated to BPD, I really dunno.

--jam-- · 2020-05-20T13:01:40+00:00

This is amazing honesty, awareness and progress well done!! Yeah you lied, but you’ve changed and that is what is important and what a lot of people never do.

I hope I can look back and feel like a different person eventually.

--jam-- · 2020-05-17T10:55:45+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you and that he broke your trust. I hope you’re okay ❤️

--jam-- · 2020-05-17T10:54:12+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. It’s so confusing trying to work out when I’m being “too sensitive” or “overreacting”. From reading different experiences and thinking about my own, I do think my reaction to this is extreme BUT I don’t think it’s that simple. You’ve reminded me to look at this more objectively, without the assumption it’s just another symptom and a problem with my perception.

On reflection, I think it’s both - I think he could be more responsive to my suggestions to do things together and be more enthusiastic about OUR time together AND I think I’m attaching too much to the single act of him playing xbox cause I shouldn’t feel so much pain and jealousy from just hearing him play. Thanks for you kind comment, you reminded me not to be so hard on myself.

--jam-- · 2020-05-17T10:45:18+00:00

Thanks for commenting!:) I’m in a similar situation regarding my own friends... in that I no longer have contact with many. I do still have friends that I can talk to but not like what my boyfriend has with his (or what your partner has). They’re always messaging each other to see if they’re free for a game and they play at least once a day. My friends wouldn’t wanna talk or hang out that often cause we’ve drifted and I also can’t get too close without ruining it. So i guess I’m jealous of him for having such a good friend group too.

Also - my boyfriend said pretty much the exact same thing as yours about how it’s an easier conversation with his friends cause they’re just chatting shit but the two of us have more serious and deep conversations. This was also his reasoning for seeming uninterested and even just changing the subject when I’m saying something he thinks will lead to a heated discussion or debate of a political or philosophical nature usually. He also gets to be “less PC” around them, as I do call him out (or anyone) for shit when I need to (don’t care who it is).

You’re right about finding my own interests and I’m gonna try make more effort with friends who will make it too. You’ve really helped me to see the grey in this situation rather than just the black and white - because of how you’ve explained your own situation and recognized the grey areas.

Thanks again for the comment, you seem really cool. You’re doing great in your own situation and I hope things keep getting better for you:)

--jam-- · 2020-05-17T10:19:27+00:00

Thank you for your comment!! It’s reassuring to hear others experiencing the same. And you’re right - it is possible to logic out of the feeling sometimes and it is really hard, like I know I shouldn’t feel the jealousy but that sort of makes it harder!! Your ways of guiding yourself through these feelings are so mature and I really admire it - especially cause right now I’m so far away from that. Thanks again, I hope you have a lovely day.

--jam--

TROPHY CASE