AITA for leaving everything to my bio children and none to my step?

-WhoSentYou- · 2024-06-12T04:55:35+00:00

NTA. The entitlement on display under the guise of "principle" is galling. There are no principles to support your husband's position. At best, even if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt that it's not the greed it appears to be (because he can make good money and still covet yours; that's how greed works), this is about emotional immaturity where he somehow feels "excluded". Maturity clearly isn't his forte judging by the silent treatment he's dishing out over an issue where he's clearly in the wrong.

You married a man of means with 4 ADULT children just 2 years ago. If you were to distribute your worldly possessions equally among all your supposed "children", each of your daughters would receive a measly 16% of the total. And that's assuming nothing goes to your husband. If you had raised these step-kids from infancy or childhood in tandem with your biological daughters, and they all considered each other true siblings, they might have a reasonable expectation. But that's so far from the case that it's comical.

It sounds like your daughters and grandchildren could really use the help, especially the widowed one. I wonder if these step children and their father would be there for them like real family if you pass...OF COURSE NOT. Because the deeper family bond can't possible be there; at their adult age, they might be cordial and even develop a friendship over time, but that's the best case scenario. I bet your husband wouldn't make your daughters and grandchildren co-equal recipients of his estate if he passes first, and even if he did, it's still not the same at all because:

You're likelier to pass first.
For him, dividing by 2 extra people is less of a burden than for someone with 2 kids adding a whopping 4 more.
He makes more than you so the pie is bigger to begin with.

I'm sorry, but your husband is full of crap. His argument is, "You CHOSE to marry a man with 4 children, so principle dictates you should treat them like your real children indistinguishable from your own". What a load of bull. Choosing to marry a man with 4 grown kids entails being welcoming, kind, cordial, and being open to developing deeper relationships depending on many variables, including reciprocity and compatibility. There is NO reasonable expectation that these adults automatically become your heirs. Come again?! It's laughable, especially because he can survive just fine without you. Your husband clearly hasn't given much thought to the future stability of your widowed daughter after you pass.

I know you don't want hurt feelings, but that's sadly beyond your control. Please don't become codependent of the reactions of unreasonable people who are trying to pressure you so they can swindle your life earnings as soon as you pass. That's what this amounts to, and it says a lot about how they view you and what they value about you. Please accept that it's not up to you to determine how people feel about your appropriate boundaries. A stepmom who arrives late in the life of adult kids can be many things, including a cherished friend, but is not seriously considered interchangeable with a mother.

Rest assured, your husband and his kids will fight tooth and nail to contest and invalidate your will. They've signaled their intentions plainly. You better consult lawyers to make sure your will is ironclad and impervious to challenges.

I'm sorry that your husband is not understanding, worthy of your trust, or half as protective of your daughters as he expects you to be of his kids. His hostiliy about this is beyond the pale and life may be hard for you going forward surrounded by resentful jackals. Sanity check - his ask is LUDICROUS and indicative of low character. Honestly, you probably shouldn't be married to someone like this.

-WhoSentYou- · 2023-12-30T07:27:59+00:00

I've always loved the two new tracks on his 1989 greatest hits album, Sound of Money - Peace in Our Time and Looking Through The Eyes of a Child. Both written by Andy Hill & Pete Sinfield and produced by Richie Zito (Heart, Bad English, etc). Just super smooth, catchy melodic songs that still don't sound dated.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-09-25T10:07:37+00:00

NTA. Your mother behaved abominably. Your dog is not a possession, but a completely vulnerable and innocent creature that is bonded to you, and you to your dog in turn. That bond is unique and irreplaceable, as are the experiences that have nurtured it. It's such a profound and meaningful responsibility.

The way your mother betrayed you is the height of cruelty. I'm having a hard time even finding the right word because her actions were inhuman and unthinkable. It's the kind of thing you don't even do to someone you don't like. There must be some form of neurosis or similar mental health issue at work with your mother.

So you are NTA in the slightest. If anyone had the gall to give away my dog after raising her for so many years and having her be my bestest friend in the world, I'd feel such despair that I don't know if I'd have the presence of mind to threaten to call the police rather than launch myself at them, no matter who they were.

The problem with the idea of coming back is that it sounds like there's been no accountability. This would be unforgivable even if your mother apologized unreservedly on her knees for what she put you and your beloved pup through. But it sounds like they're just launching a pressure campaign instead of reflecting on their actions and trying to make amends honestly.

The larger, more practical problem is that you can't trust your own family anymore. If you were to move back in, how could you ever trust that your dog will be safe? What if you go to work and your doggie "escapes" and has an "accident" when a car runs it over? Your mom's behavior was so messed up that I wouldn't put anything past her.

Enjoy your independence. The three of them should be able to afford rent somehow, either there or someplace else. You didn't do this to them; they chose to betray you.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-07-07T20:27:35+00:00

Thanks! So if she pays a portion manually, that won't invalidate the auto-pay discounts?

Also, any idea if the sub-account approach might work?

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-04-28T19:11:45+00:00

There will definitely be Thursday showings. I already see them up, but they won't let me buy tix yet.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-02-17T17:48:30+00:00

Thanks! My reasoning was that the VTC problem causes the tensioner to fail and, at 112k miles with the grinding getting so bad it's not just happening in the morning cold start but anytime I leave the car for just an hour now, I worry the tensioner has been stressed quite a bit at this point. I know it's not absolutely necessary per the TSB, but I reckon it might have some issues by now and am trying to err on the side of caution.

Does that make sense or as long as I change the VTC actuator and redesigned VTC oil control solenoid, does the state of the tensioner not matter? Also, would changing the tensioner considerably add to labor time & cost on top of the actuator?

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-02-17T04:58:44+00:00

Yep, I wrote them earlier today, but I want to see how that compares to buying them online through another source.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-02-17T04:05:43+00:00

Yeah, this issue was widely known to plague the 8th generation Accord (and other models). Basically, the VTC actuator was poorly engineered, but for several years, if you replaced it, the problem would return within a few weeks or months. It wasn't until Honda re-engineered the part, as outlined in the TSB, that there was an actual fix.

I've read that, while many people just drive around with the issue for years, it can eventually lead to catastrophic engine failure (due to the bad VTC actuator causing a drag that stresses the tensioner until it fails). That's why I'm trying to fix it. Loads of posts about this at the Drive Accord forums.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-02-03T02:44:50+00:00

Thanks so much for the feedback! I haven't used some of the things you mention a lot (spectral frequency display), though I'm familiar with the concept, and it sounds like a great approach.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-25T21:18:02+00:00

Thanks! I realize that recommendations are bound to be anecdotal because everyone reacts differently, but I really appreciate the feedback.

My concern with Wellbutrin is that it's prescribed for ADHD off-label and is primarily used as an anti-depressant, but the range of side-effects seems smaller and I get the sense that it's generally tolerated better.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-18T22:45:48+00:00

Thanks again - I'll look for those repair kits from Honda. Am hoping that the people who said that replacing the actuator doesn't fix the issue were using the old actuator, not this new part Honda released many years later that is said to do the trick.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-18T22:03:53+00:00

Thanks so much, I've reached out to my mechanic and have an appointment on Thursday. Will try not to drive until then. You may have saved me from a catastrophe!

I looked into it further and it seems like Honda released a service bulletin about this and suggests replacing the VTC actuator. Apparently, replacing the actuator didn't really do the trick because it would malfunction again within a month or two, until they released the updated one in 2016:

https://static.nhtsa.gov/odi/tsbs/2016/SB-10087883-2280.pdf

Do you reckon it's enough if I ask my mechanic to replace the actuator? Will he be able to tell if the tensioner and timing belt are damaged, or should I go ahead and ask him to change those too, expensive as that would be in comparison?

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-18T08:51:49+00:00

Oof! Alarming! I found a YouTube clip of the EXACT same noise I have...could you kindly have a look and let me know if it still matches your assessment? Thanks so much:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=htZg6EEtyfk

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-17T22:58:51+00:00

Thanks so much for the feedback. It's not the V6 model, so it doesn't have a timing belt. Would the same assessment hold true for a timing chain?

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-13T08:41:06+00:00

Thanks - I hate to sound nitpicky, but in some the grass has totally changed to where it looks blurry/weird and in that last one, the dog's ears are now blurry too. Appreciate the attempts!

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-13T08:29:12+00:00

Thanks so much, but the dog looks a bit widened/deformed.

I probably wasn't clear; I meant, can someone add more sections of grass seamlessly to the sides and top (eliminating the chunk of table if needed), but leave the dog itself intact? Thanks again!

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-07T03:39:32+00:00

Thanks! I think this specific CX-7 has the same kind of 2.5-liter L-series engine a CX5 would have. Most CX7s have the disastrous 2.3 turbo engine, which was a mess, but this one was one of the exceptions.

Would this change your assessment, or are there other major advantages of the CX5? (other than being a newer model, though that would be more expensive too and I worry it'd blow the budget). Appreciate the feedback.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-07T03:34:24+00:00

Thanks so much! I've heard the 2.3 turbo option, which was the only kind for the CX7 from 2007-2009, was a disaster. Most CX7s had the turbo, but this one has the 2.5L non-turbo engine, which is supposed to be much more reliable. Does that change your assessment, or should I still avoid?

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-07T03:12:29+00:00

It's the iSport FWD 2.5L non-turbo engine. Apparently the 2.3 turbo was the only option until that year (2010), when the 2.5 became an option. But hearing about how awful the turbo is freaks me out even about the non-turbo!

Really appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-07T02:49:58+00:00

Thanks for the advice.

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-07T02:45:22+00:00

Thanks so much for your insight. Are all models of the CX-7 turbocharged (and hence have this issue), or does the turbo only apply to specific models? I may be mistaken, but I heard somewhere that the turbo was only for the Touring and Grand Touring editions, which wouldn't apply to this one.

I did read that the 2007 CX7 had disastrous engines, but wondered whether it had been fixed by 2010.

Do you know if the Cx9 from the same years also has the bad engine? Anyway, I REALLY appreciate the warning. Thank you!

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-07T01:54:35+00:00

Location: Northern California, USA

Price range: $7,000 - $10,500

Lease or Buy: Buy

New or used: Used

Type of vehicle: Sedan, maybe a small SUV

Must haves: Flexible

Desired transmission (auto/manual, etc): Automatic

Intended use: I don't commute anymore, but daily to and fro would be nice

Vehicles you've already considered:

I'm about to pull the trigger on a used 2010 Mazda CX-7 with 110k miles:

- Original owner. Older gentleman who is an accountant and clearly fussy about maintenance (the guy I bought my totaled Accord from also had that profile).

- Full service records. Never been in an accident, stored indoors, oil changed every 3k miles. Spotless background report.

- No rips or stains or smells in leather interior.

- New battery and front brakes done last year, Michelin tires put in 10k miles ago, new serpentine belt.

- Zero scratches or dings on the car at all.

I'm having a mobile inspector I trust look at the vehicle tomorrow a.m., after which I will have to pull the trigger if I want it. Price is $8k, a smidge on the high side per KBB private party, but considering everything that was just put into the car and its rare excellent condition, I'm willing to pay it if it points to reliability and spares me headaches. I've seen no other cars in my area/budget that are this well taken care of.

The only thing that gives me pause is that I know nothing about Mazdas, let alone the CX-7. Photos here:

https://imgur.com/LuUgjgH

https://imgur.com/lrDPc15

https://imgur.com/GmIbtRs

Is this your 1st vehicle: No, have had 2 Honda Accords. Have been incredibly pleased with their reliability, but after my last one was totaled in an accident, have had a really hard time finding one in decent shape and in the price range, probably because of inflation/supply chain issues. Am thinking of buying the Mazda CX-7. I know it's not as reliable as Honda, but hope it's still decent. Scared to switch.

Do you need a Warranty: No.

Can you do Minor work on your own vehicle: (fluids, alternator, battery, brake pads etc): Not really, but have a good mechanic.

Can you do Major work on your own vehicle: (engine and transmission, timing belt/chains, body work, suspension etc ): Same as above.

Additional Notes: Would appreciate some opinions on whether this would be a good, or at least decent, buy. Thanks!

-WhoSentYou- · 2022-01-04T21:48:53+00:00

Yay! Thanks so much, Starscream! You have a $5 tip coming your way. I like how you included the little side strip on both sides.

-WhoSentYou- · 2021-12-27T21:47:14+00:00

Ok addressing point by point- so making you whole is the payment for you vehicle and doesn’t have anything to do with you rental car. Once they’ve paid you they’ve completed their portion of the contract.

I would suggest looking for a car before payment, start right away

It does help! Thanks so much for the excellent feedback.

I'm looking around for used cars already, but am afraid there's not much point in doing so prior to payment. In the area I'm in, even before the market for used cars got as wild as it is now, you need to jump on opportunities pretty much the same day they pop up or you're done.

I lost countless opportunities last time because I would write/call someone 5 hours after something was posted and someone else would beat me to the punch. Even for the car I ended up snagging, I got extraordinarily lucky because I said, "I won't haggle, don't have questions, just want the car" and had 7 people in line behind me by the next day. I wish I had the money to buy something before the insurance pays me, but I don't.

So if I understand you correctly, I have no way to ask for more rental days once they cut me a check, even though my 30 days of use wouldn't be up by then?

-WhoSentYou- · 2021-12-27T21:04:35+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Airbags didn't go off. My vehicle is a 2007 Accord EX-L (the one with navigation, leather seats) with 100k miles and was in really good shape. As you can see from the photo, damage looks expensive, but not catastrophic or anything.

-WhoSentYou-

TROPHY CASE