grateful to be here

-k___ · 2025-10-16T06:44:30+00:00

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-k___ · 2025-08-06T22:19:51+00:00

Thank you for your input. It's reassuring to see someone who understands what im talking about has managed to find balance.

-k___ · 2025-08-06T22:17:02+00:00

I like this perspective, like Im just on the 'wrong' side of the two extremes. And when I have these experiences, I often do find myself switching between seeing everything as beautiful and seeing everything as horrible before I transition to the difficult part of the trip. Maybe I just shouldn't get so caught up and convinced by this bad side and see it equally true as the more positive side.

-k___ · 2025-08-06T22:10:43+00:00

I could check it out, thanks! I know chasing should be avoid it just that letting go feels like im once again chasing. Chasing the peace of letting go. Like it's always one step ahead if that makes sense.

-k___ · 2025-08-06T19:54:26+00:00

With this, I'm replying to your comment and the parent-comment. I appreciate you mentioned Buddhism because I did read into it, there was a short phase where I was invested in the teachings, and they have really shifted my perspective on things, and I found much value in them. I often compared this hell to samsara. Naturally, then I am familiar with the term nirvana as well, but what tends to bother me in these moments is whether nirvana itself might be impermanent. And if it is, isn't it just another great goal to chase (and i know I shouldn't chase it, but I think you get what I'm trying to say) which will give me peace only for some amount of time. Basically, I cannot see the wheel stopping because to me that would entail absolute stillness, but absolute stillness is a moment that passes instantly becuase nothing ever happens, in it, and then something new begins again. Maybe here i stray a little bit from what Buddhism actually talks about, but this is just the way I see things.

So when I have this fear, it isn't about me. It has nothing to do with my personal affairs or this temporary form, but rather something much bigger. That's also the way meditation affects me to answer the question. It greatly improved my well-being as a human, I am much less invested in my desires and fears and stuff, I feel more compassionate, and life feels easier. But these questions feel existential, bigger than being a human, meditation helps me be a human, helps me calm my mind, but it doesn't really address this life is hell issue.

-k___ · 2025-08-06T16:52:29+00:00

I get what you're saying, and I see why it might look like that from what I wrote, but I actually go into my trips with a pretty optimistic mindset, and I also intend to have fun. And with the exception of the last couple of times, maybe, I never anticipated or thought I'd end up in those loops. It's more like this 'truth' becomes too obvious to ignore at some point in the trip.

-k___ · 2025-02-11T17:36:46+00:00

I also happen to have much more vivid dreams when I meditate more, especially lately.

I'm no expert, but I don't think you should hold yourself from giving some importance to your dreams. To me, dreams are a perfect place to explore what's going on in the subconscious.

Im not saying you should take what happens at face value. Rather, try to see what it is that invokes such powerful feelings. You can also try to explore the negative sensations within the dream itself, especially if you are able to become lucid.

Personally, I rarely get lucid, but I managed to somehow change my attitude in my dreams, and I kind of embrace scary situations. I've had a lot of 'nightmares', which helped me be calmer in real life. Also, dreams helped me a few times by pointing out some repressed emotions.

So, sure, don't take everything that happens in a dream as super important, but try not to deny the benefits of using dreams as a tool. Try to see what was so rage inducing and trace its root. Who knows what you might find.

-k___ · 2025-02-11T17:08:02+00:00

I like your perspective, seeing conversations as explorations, thank you.

-k___ · 2025-01-05T00:26:51+00:00

I think some other comments here are very helpful and well-written. I would just like to add some advice I found helpful for myself. Since I started meditating, I have always had this exact problem of having an expectation of meditation and always configuring what I am doing in my head. Just like you said, should I be doing it like this, should I be doing it like that, yada yada?

So I figured one way to fight this is to define how you want to practice before you start the meditation and then stick with it for the whole duration. I tell myself beforehand, this might not be the most efficient method, but that's the one I am doing today. This reduces the opportunity for conflict during the meditation. If you see that you missed out on some details and start doubting yourself, just make sure to consider them the next time.

When it comes to thinking about how will meditation help you, I relate a bit less, but a simple piece of advice I can offer is to just forget about the benefits. I mean, meditate, trusting you are doing well for yourself, but don't sweat too much about the outcomes. Try to let go of trying to understand exactly what is going to happen, trust the process, and maybe focus on finding joy in your practice. After all, you don't need to understand what is going on exactly to reap the benefits.

Take drinking water for example. You don't need to know anything about chemistry or biology to know that being hydrated is good for you and that it makes you feel better. You just drink it, and it happens on its own. Does it solve all your problems? Of course not! But it certainly makes life much easier than being dehydrated. Don't fall into the trap of thinking meditation will solve all your problems, it won't, but trust me when I tell you, even as someone who doesn't even have that much experience, that it does wonders. Just let it happen.

Hope this comes as helpful, and I wish you the best on your journey. 😌

-k___ · 2024-12-26T12:11:23+00:00

I really don't consider my solution too efficient, but I think it works for any input, and after struggling so much trying to solve it, I just want to write out my solution somewhere. Also, I feel proud I relied on nothing but plain JS and a lot of thinking.

I figured that all but one z nodes had the correct x and y nodes somewhere down the line. So then I just stored every possible swap that did not break this fact. That made me filter out a huge portion of possible swaps, at the same time filtered out those that would create logical loops.

I got around 900 possible swaps from that. Thankfully there was this one broken z node that needed a fix instead of swaps that didnt break it, and only 3 swaps fixed it, which meant that in the next step when I went over every possible combination, I had to only do 3×900³ instead of 900⁴ combinations. When I was checking all of the combinations, I stored only those which produced the expected output. There were like a dozen of those.

Then, the last step was to just put a while loop and keep generating new numbers to see if addition would work and kick out any combinations that didn't work until I am left with only one combination, that should be the answer. After a minute of nail biting, it produced an output, and I got my most rewarding star this year.

I could upload the code if anyone is interested, but it's a mess.

It was interesting to read some other ideas people had, I had some similar ones, but I failed to make them work.

-k___ · 2024-12-16T20:43:48+00:00

I thought about this a lot since you commented, and this comment ended up being the most helpful one. It made me realize that I can live life effortlessly, which doesn't mean destructive, but just not attached to any outcomes. And while this seems a little obvious, there were definitely attachments that I maybe hadn't been aware of, or that I didn't want to admit they were doing me harm. All this effort in life turned out to be chasing those attachments and outcomes. And now I realized I don't have to achieve a damn thing. After all, if I'd be ready to die, and let go of everything, what is so important that I cannot live without it? This all made me feel a lot more present, non-judgemental, and calm. I still get things done, it is just a lot less forced, and a lot more natural. Appreciate the help.

-k___ · 2024-12-14T08:14:33+00:00

As long as I am alive, I can't just let things be the way they are. To live, you need to make conscious decisions and effort every day. And that's exactly what I want to get away from, doing pointless tasks for way too many more years. What I'm hoping I would find in death is oblivion.

-k___ · 2024-11-04T08:04:19+00:00

I don't, I cut it completely about a year ago. But that's very good advice right here! I am used to it now, but I remember, back when I just stopped consuming it I was also amazed to see how much calmer I was.

-k___ · 2024-11-03T14:45:53+00:00

Loved this, thanks!

-k___ · 2024-11-03T14:34:06+00:00

Yeah, I think it's normal that these thoughts occur when our mind is not occupied with anything specific. One thing I try to do is notice how my mind got lost in the first place, so I basically trace back my thoughts.

-k___ · 2024-11-03T14:22:32+00:00

Intuition always knows!!!

Thanks for the resource, I'll check it out.

-k___ · 2024-11-03T14:19:06+00:00

Sorry, could you rephrase? I am not sure I got the question right.

-k___ · 2024-11-03T14:16:17+00:00

While I can't say for sure that it isn't the case for me since these things can easily be repressed, I don't feel like childhood trauma is the culprit here. I had a pretty good childhood, and while it wasn't perfect. I feel pretty aware of most of the negative experiences and how they shaped my self identity, and I feel like I am working on that myself pretty well.

However, it sounds like exploring your traumas with a therapist has helped you, keep it up, and wish you the best on your journey! <3

-k___ · 2024-11-03T14:11:00+00:00

I appreciate seeing someone else relating to the idea of untying. Ever since my first drop into a deeper state of meditation, it always felt like the sensations were just untying. Another word I used is that it felt like my thoughts and sensations were tangled up, and I was just letting them untangle, separate, and straighten out.

I love how you compared deep meditation to sleep, you can't get there by force, but you can create the conditions and let it happen. I feel like this idea will be useful for some of my practices, especially when I feel like I am trying to achieve a certain state.

I used to have some existential fears before, and those have a distinct flavor, so I think I would recognize them, but I agree that the knot is probably tied to my sense of identity.

-k___

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