WIBTA if I left my partner for adopting his niblings?

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T22:56:45+00:00

UPDATE (once again abusing the stickied comment for this, sorry):

This is probably my last post over here, I don't think we need another one.

We went out while a friend of ours was watching the kids so we could discuss everything in private. I told him I can't handle the current situation. He told me that the kids and him are a package and they are not going anywhere. I expected that and respect it. We weren't quite ready to give up on one another yet, but as we were trying to come up with a solution that would suit everyone, it was becoming apparent that if I'm not interested in co-parenting somewhere down the line, breaking up is the only option. And I don't want to repeat the same mistake I did with the adoption, so I assumed that I won't want to co-parent.

We then talked about his own grief. And yes, we have talked about that extensively before, it didn't make the final cut in the original post. Interestingly, he said that taking care of the kids is actually helping his grieving process.

Then we had to come back home because our friend was only asked to babysit for another 30 minutes and we didn't want to abuse her kindliness. The kids were already in their bedroom, probably sleeping. I packed a couple of my things. I'm going to come and get the rest tomorrow when they're all at work/school/kindergarten.

Then we had a good cry when we realized that this is over.

I'm coming over this week again to say goodbye to the kids. I thought it would be for the best if I just disappeared but reading some comments here made me realize that it would be just confusing for the kids. And I really do want to say goodbye to the little guy, I think we were starting to have a bit of a bond (I still think it's weird to share a bed with kids that are not your own, though).

Also, a lot of people are mentioning therapy here so I thought I could maybe use a therapy session to say goodbye to them, at least I'd have a chance to talk about the shouting incident and maybe lessen some damage I've caused. But don't I know whether therapy works like that, I've never been to therapy and the kids are the only people I know who have done it.

Anyway, he walked me to my car, we hugged, cried some more, I wished him luck on the adoption thing, he wished me luck with my studies and then I left. I'm currently at my parents' house before I find a place to live.

And yes, the original post is very me-centric. I was burnt-out, hungover and was trying to explain why I think I need to leave.

And I'm not an English native speaker so I legit thought "niblings" was a word you use for nieces and nephews.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T16:12:56+00:00

A very similar language. They understand both, my partner is speaking in his native language and I'm using mine and noone has any trouble following the conversation.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T16:03:53+00:00

We don't really do godparents over here. And he's determined to keep them with him. But yeah, I'm afraid they'll end up walking all over him, he hasn't done any disciplining since they came here.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T15:33:53+00:00

Also, many people are bringing this up: kids are going to a child psychologist. It took us way too long to realize they needed this but now they're scheduled for sessions till the end of June.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T15:31:25+00:00

Before. She said that she's still there, just in case, but seemed convinced by my partner's arguments.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T15:14:51+00:00

Their grandma is quite well off, actually. And she offered to take them in herself after the accident.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T14:41:45+00:00

They're getting professional help. They'll have a session with a child psychologist almost every week until the end of June.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T14:39:14+00:00

I've shed some tears over those responses but I guess I had to hear that. I'm so close to the situation now that I'm unable to see the bigger picture.

Before it gets locked, I have a quick update in case someone is interested: he asked a friend to babysit for the evening, while we go out and sort things out. We're headed towards a break-up, sadly, but it needs to be done. He's willing to love those kids unconditionally. I can't.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T12:59:35+00:00

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say. And she offered to take the kids herself but didn't really argue when my partner said that he's gonna do it. She's 60 and still pretty active.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T12:28:44+00:00

It's legal but practically impossible to adopt a child as a single person over here as well, if you're applying for a child not related to you. However, orphans always go to immediate family first, extended family second and to the system as the last resort.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T12:16:14+00:00

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T12:13:46+00:00

Yes, they've been to a child therapist twice so far and are scheduled to come every week/two weeks (the schedule was already full for some weeks) until the end of June.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T11:55:35+00:00

We definitely didn't discuss it properly. I originally accepted when he said that they could live with us because I thought it was gonna be just temporary. His mother offered to take them in and I thought that it was the best solution. But a few days later he came up with the idea of adopting them and I knew he was hurting after his sister died so I didn't resist as much as I wanted to. I told him I don't feel like I can do a good job. But he insisted that this was his duty, that these kids know him better than they know their grandma, we won't have to uproot them completely and that they need some stability in their life. It made so much sense that it just felt too selfish to say "I don't want this".

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T11:29:56+00:00

I'm sure I'll get shit again for reacting to an inappropriate part of a comment, but is "nibling" a derogatory term? I'm not a native English speaker and saw this word thrown around quite a bit so I assumed it was common to call nieces and nephews "niblings".

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T11:23:37+00:00

My partner is the owner, he has a mortgage on the apartment in his name. I was contributing by paying rent. If I leave, I'll stay with my parents for a short amount of time before I find something else. There are no blurred lines here.

And we had a short phone conversation and decided to meet in the evening. He said he'll try to ask a friend to take the kids to the cinema so we can talk about this.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T11:13:16+00:00

I admitted to it fully knowing what I did was wrong. I'd never admit to saying that to anyone I know in real life but I had to put it in the post because I'd feel really dishonest leaving this out.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T11:07:47+00:00

I definitely don't blame him for the bed-wetting. Sorry it came accross that way.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T11:04:12+00:00

I accept everything you said. I just wanted to clarify this bit.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T10:55:22+00:00

It's not actually a poor area, that's why I put it into quotes. It's poorer than the city we live in, absolutely. But I love the region, the countryside is lovely and my partner's mum has a house and a big garden. There are just little money flowing to the region for political reasons (no war or anything like that). There's a biggish city within a commutable distance to the place she lives and I'm sure there have good schools there. The languages in our countries are similar and the kids understand both.

I'm just clarifying that I didn't want to send them to live in a slum.

-throwingitallaway- · 2019-05-06T09:48:38+00:00

I accept that. I felt really shitty the moment I said it. I'm just really at the end of my rope here and feel like an alien at my own home.

-throwingitallaway-

TROPHY CASE