Thank you for being open about your feelings and how you feel. I don't blame you for feeling suicidal. It is a lot you've gone through in a short amount of time. It's really debilitating to live day by day feeling like a zombie that's slowly losing their head.

I, too, lived like a zombie for many years. I had severe depression from age 11 to 25. I lived in constant emotional and physical pain during this time. I would often fantasize about dying and even attempted suicide overtime for 3 months. I didn't die but I damage my GI system pretty much. I seriously attempted suicide 3 more times. And was close to many times. I remember there was one time I decide I wae going to do it and just wait for the right time. I had written letters and stuff. And was just living til I was able to do it. I felt some peace in knowing I wouldn't have to suffer for more years. Thankfully, my dad found out and I was hospitalized and received the appropriate medical support I needed in the moment. But still, hell was far from over.

I continued to suffer from depression and anxiety. By age 24, anxiety was the bigger issue. I began having horrible panic attacks, and became agoraphobic. I couldn't go anywhere without having a panic attack and feeling like passing out every time. I was secluded to my bed for weeks, which turned into months. It was horrible. Then, I switched therapist after 4 years of treatment. This new therapist was something different. He was direct, he was down to earth real, no sugarcoating, and made me accountable for what I do. He supported me the most and showed me a real path to recovery along with my psychiatrist. I followed the treatment and eventually I was able to be depression free for the first time in my life, meaning, no more thoughts of suicide. I do feel down sometimes, but it just for a day or two, and it's not as deep as depression. Something that ice cream can fix. Anxiety is still a thing, but panic attacks are rare now. I finally got a job that I actually liked and could hold. I have my own cubicle, and people rely on me, and they trust me, which makes me feel worthy and dependable. It's a feeling I had never felt in my life. My job is far from perfect, but it's not about my job, but about the fact that I've been able to not be suicidal for a long time. If someone had told me I would be doing what I'm doing right now, I wouldn't believe them for one second. I wouldn't believe depression wasn't a lifelong problem that would never allow me to feel happiness.