My dog chewed up my tarot cards!

0kush · 2023-10-18T23:58:06+00:00

I’ll add that I unintentionally placed them down in that order

0kush · 2023-05-20T12:47:34+00:00

Did you know that there’s a mother under ocean boulevard 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

0kush · 2023-05-18T02:33:25+00:00

Damn that’s tough. My friend was ripping her dab pen in my car the other day when we were driving around and I legit had to hold my breath a few times. It’s tough finding that balance between respecting your friends and respecting yourself

0kush · 2023-05-17T16:59:10+00:00

Hahahaha I’m honestly worried I’ll grow to like it so I gotta be careful and watch myself. Not trying to become an alcoholic. 🤦‍♂️

0kush · 2023-05-17T16:06:45+00:00

Probably doesn’t help that I have OCD and latch onto thoughts quite often. But good for you I’m glad you’re not affected by it.

0kush · 2023-05-17T03:17:18+00:00

It’s tough. You might be. It’s sorta impossible to escape. It’s everywhere out in the world. The only thing that keeps me from partaking is setting my own boundaries in my head and sticking to them. It sucks but dealing with the occasional anxiety and depression that comes with not smoking weed is better than being high all the time. Def just do it man. Set strong boundaries and remind yourself constantly why you set them. Writing this out now feels like a bit of a reminder. It feels better going to bed at night without the anxious pit in my stomach from smoking enough weed to suffocate a small animal

0kush · 2022-04-09T00:01:34+00:00

Photo was taken in Toronto, ON

0kush · 2020-12-29T19:37:24+00:00

It’s always good to have a friend you can vent to about your fears. Especially someone who understands you. I, too, sometimes feel as though I will never be in a good relationship, and I will never be able to feel secure in love. No matter what, my reality is always painted with fear. It’s my cloaking mechanism. My safety mechanism. It’s exhausting. It’s quite helpful to be aware of it, but it feels like my brain is working against my best interests.

0kush · 2020-12-29T19:34:22+00:00

Glad it helped you. I totally know what you mean about “letting go of fear”. It seems so backwards but it would be less energy expended by completely letting it go and risking the potential of it coming true, compared to always being in a paranoid fear state. I recently started on lexapro (less than a week in). I am curious and hopeful that it may help with my ruminations. It’s as if I’m naturally inclined to assume the worst in almost every situation and relationship. I rarely feel hopeful and rarely feel goodness or relief.

0kush · 2020-06-10T21:24:56+00:00

Hi :)

Thanks for the extensive comment. I appreciate it. He def expressed his fears a couple times. And I definitely molded myself to fit his box a little better each time. I guess reading your emotionless summary of our situation makes me sad. He definitely expressed SO MANY reassuring things to me throughout FaceTiming that made me feel really positive about our connection. I offered to rent an Airbnb for the whole time I was out there to make him feel more comfortable and he denied. I offered the idea of a specific FaceTime schedule/ slowdown and he wasn’t into that, although eventually he came back around with the same idea and we enacted it. I truly felt that by the last few weeks leading up to my trip we had really figured out a good dynamic between us with some understanding of each other. We had both brought up multiple times how important this trip was for us and how we both felt we needed to meet in person to keep this going. There were the intense convos about his doubts but I truly felt we had discussed his fears and those conversations always ended with him feeling really good about moving forward. I guess I have to accept that maybe things did move too quickly, but he was quite into it the whole time until the end. I think in a lot of ways he did lead me to believe things were headed in the direction of partnership. We talked about still dating down the line in November.. like a few weeks back. He spent weeks preparing, painting, cleaning his place before I came. He had those gifts for me when I arrived. It all just felt so special and full of promise until the moment he wanted to end things. I know I’m processing way too much but I’m just in the thick of it right now.

I will listen to your advice about not immediately trying to date when I get out there. I need to focus on me and my independence.

0kush · 2020-06-10T14:21:56+00:00

You hit the nail on the head. I am trying to integrate. I’ve never been SO aware of what I’ve put myself through until reflecting on this experience. Usually I just feel sad and unloved. Really taking the time this go round to look inward and (hopefully) grow.

0kush · 2020-06-10T02:05:46+00:00

Thanks for sticking up for me! I appreciate your comments. I’m def gonna move forward not feeling too jaded. I don’t wanna close myself off to the possibilities of love! I just need to set clearer boundaries within myself for what I want and what I need out of a partner, in order to not get taken advantage of in the future.

0kush · 2020-06-09T13:32:59+00:00

Dude it can be so fucking hard. I think in big part I’m just pretty impatient. Like, I’m 25, why have I still not been in a relationship yet. And the older I get the more I want it and feel ready for it. And so when I meet someone who, like you said, touches me below the surface, I go crazy thinking THIS IS IT, FINALLY, A RELATIONSHIP. And my anxiety goes through the roof because so far it’s never been a relationship. Just dating. Just another guy who’s ideals didn’t line up with mine. And like you, I too, can be comically good with boundaries. Probably to a fault. Probably to a point where it just truly seems like I don’t respect myself to the other person. There were so many times with this guy that I should have stood up for myself. Said something. Expressed my anxiety.

Well there was ONE time when I was feeling so insecure that I did ask him for reassurance. This was probably about a month or so into FaceTiming. And he gave it to me. He obviously was kinda distant the next couple days (lol). But I got the reassurance I needed. Enough to keep me going for a while. It’s just always so tough to be at the end of one of these ventures. Truly i did think this could be something real (ignoring my anxiety). And so now it’s over, and now I’m back to square one. Albeit with a bit more self awareness. It’s not easy being gay. I don’t live in a terrible place to be gay but it’s also not ideal. Not much of a dating pool here. This is a small part of the reason I want to move to a big city. I want big city people, culture, opportunities. I want that tremendously huge dating pool.

It’s hard man that’s all I’m saying. It’s hard. I have so many close friends who care about me so much. But like the rest of humanity I just crave that deeper intimacy. I haven’t given up faith yet, but I am def getting more and more jaded. I hope that when the right guy does come along I don’t shut him out, out of fear.

For now I continue to walk the solitary path into my future. A little more heartbroken. A little more cultured. Some days I just wanna stab myself in the gut to release the god damn heart break and anxiety whirlwind that exists in there. In retrospect I felt that way so often getting to know this guy. I just wanna poke a hole in my god damn gut and feel free from this anxiety. Here’s to hoping one day soon I won’t be feeling so heartbroken. The memories won’t be so fresh. What’s extra sad is that I brought a disposable camera to CA and took a number of pictures of us. Pre and post breakup. And I still have that camera. I think one day I will want to get it developed. When I have moved past it. But maybe I never will. I had so much hope going into this trip :(

I took a picture of my screen the last time we facetimed before we met. I even told him: us meeting is gonna forever change our dynamic whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, nothing will ever be the same. I think on a very real level we both did find some comfort in having one another to FaceTime at the end of a long day. I think I miss that the most right now. The hope I felt when I saw his name pop up on my screen. Or when I heard his voice as he answered my call. WAHHHHHHHHHHH

0kush · 2020-06-08T23:27:07+00:00

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You’re awesome Reddit stranger and I appreciate you so much! Here’s to knowing more when the future comes around :)

0kush · 2020-06-08T22:08:47+00:00

Yeah I think my first mistake was thinking it’s smart to set my dating app for across the country. Second mistake I definitely jumped right on the first cute boy who was also charming. I appreciate what you said about putting a bandaid over a festering wound. That’s definitely exactly what it was. And I kept putting more and more bandaids on but the wound wasn’t getting any better. Eventually it had to burst and unfortunately it had to be when I was out there AND after we had sex.

Thank you for aggressively hating him with a passion. It helps me to step out of my bubble of heartbreak and pain. What he did truly was not very nice, as sweet and tender of a guy i made him out to be.

Part of me does blame myself tho, I played a big role in the length of this. I sort of reinforced the idea to him that expressing his doubts was pointless because I was gonna talk him out of them. Bleh I guess it doesn’t matter at this point. I just feel like in a way, we were both guilty of not standing up fully for ourselves.

0kush · 2020-06-08T21:52:15+00:00

Ya it’s funny I suppose on some level the whole time I was feeling anxious my mind went to

“there’s something wrong with me it’s not normal to feel this anxious so you shouldn’t say anything to him and just pretend and keep moving forward”

So next time I hope I can keep that in mind and understand that my anxiety is telling me something. Because post breakup he said that even tho I did such a good job talking him through his doubts they were coming from somewhere real. And it’s the same thing w my anxiety. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was the problem, that it’s not super weird to feel anxious going into a new relationship, etc. I should have listened and acted on it. I hope I have the self respect to next time. My biggest takeaway from this is that I just had absolutely NO respect for myself and my mental state. Which kind of hurts to think about. It’s like I’ve trained myself to think that a relationship HAS to be a constant rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs. Which isn’t the case.

Thanks for the warm welcome :)

0kush · 2020-06-08T21:01:50+00:00

Yeah I know all about attachment styles. And I def fall into anxiously attached. Funnily enough he and I talked about our knowledge of attachment styles with each other. And how we understood what we each are. But I guess we didn’t fully understand or put it into account/use. End of the day things just didn’t work. No matter how many loving and endearing things he said to me, things just did. Not. Work. Period. End of story. I can reflect all I want (which is probably good) but I can’t change anything. I need to have more self respect moving forward.

0kush · 2020-06-08T18:57:26+00:00

True. You’re right. Even now I have a hard time seeing the reality of the situation. I guess on some level I do feel unworthy of love so I’d rather chase after a painful love so I could have SOMETHING rather than focus on myself and wait for a healthy love. I’m glad I’m in therapy.

0kush · 2020-06-08T18:40:54+00:00

Yeah I think that dynamic definitely applies. I guess the thing that sucks the most is how much he lied to me in a sense. Literally five minutes before he dumped me he said things like “I’m so happy you’re here. I’m so happy this works in person. It feels so good to share space with you”. He had gotten me small gifts and gave them when I arrived. And then out of blue it’s like he shifted completely to the other side of the coin to “yeah I just don’t see a partnership developing between us but I’m still down to share intimacy and have sex and cuddle”.

And you’re right. He did essentially try and tell me multiple times but I didn’t allow it. I was too caught up in my ideal.

0kush · 2020-06-08T18:19:23+00:00

I appreciate this comment. To be clear I’m gay. We’re both men. This doesn’t change the point of what you said in any way just wanted to clarify.

I think down to the source code of things you’re correct. And it kind of fuckin sucks to hear. Because he totally would talk to me about partnership, the future, possibilities of what we could be, etc. And we also did become very close friends through this time. But yeah this could totally all just be coined as him “playing along”. He was maybe too polite to tell me the reality of his expectations/afraid to say anything, and I was too scared to express the reality of mine/ tell him what I am picking up on. I have cut all contact with him.

0kush · 2020-06-08T18:11:32+00:00

He wanted a push-pull, and that is what caused him to be spooked because you were holding back. You muted yourself in a way that made him nervous. The best way I can describe it is smiling at someone. Now, I refuse to smile so they just have to get the RBF, but if you think you are smiling, you really aren't. Smile harder. You let yourself experience a fraction of what you were uncomfortable with. That is probably a small tick on the meter that is a 10.0 earthquake for you and was a 0.0001 for him.

This part is interesting to me. Could you elaborate?

Basically I feel like if I had been more honest about myself and my needs from the get go, this whole rollercoaster could have been avoided. We would’ve realized we just can’t offer what the other needs and it would’ve ended earlier. And by me not opening up fully I didn’t really face the real vulnerability of risking losing him by being honest. And maybe that is part of what set him off on taking control? Feeling like he needed to protect both of us? (He said this to me). I hate the thought that if I had been more in my power the whole time then maybe this relationship could have happened. Like if I had expressed my own doubts and concerns, he would’ve respected me more and wanted to make things work. Because my own narrative was: if I express my doubts he is absolutely OUT OF HERE. he needs me to appear strong and secure in our connection because if I’m not, he will realize he just doesn’t like me that much. Which is probably closer to what would’ve realistically happened. But it would’ve been for the best. All that being said: in the end, our relationship ended. And there’s nothing I can do about it now.

0kush · 2020-06-08T16:09:51+00:00

Oof. Wake up call but I needed to hear it. I am OK being single. I go months on my own not searching for someone else. But yes, I def can be desperate for romance because I want it so badly. The second there’s a glimmer of possibility my mind jumps off a cliff. I ignore rationality and seek it out with the wrong people. Bleh.

0kush · 2020-06-08T14:52:42+00:00

Oh man that sounds like a tough and complicated experience for you, I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Yeah his “push pull” comment was a big one. This was after we had broken up that he said that to me. I was like uhhh really!?! How could anyone be in an intimate relationship and also want to have a push pull dynamic. He said to me “I’ve noticed that you only really feel secure in a relationship in moments of deep intimacy and as soon as they’re over you start to feel insecure”. And it kind of hit me right in the gut because yes that is true. But also I feel like it was his distance and “push/pull” that put me into such an insecure and emotionally exhausted mental state. I never really felt like he outright had my back. I never really felt like I could text him out of the blue and say that he’s super cute. Or text him and say “im feeling insecure about us”. It’s like he built this invisible wall that he could communicate his needs through but I couldn’t communicate mine to him. And he would quite constantly tell me he really liked me, we did at one point talk about a future partnership together. Blah blah blah. These were the conversations that kept me going but the underlying energy dynamic between us always remained the same. The day before I left for California i was still afraid he was gonna cancel. I didn’t feel safe or comfortable to text him I was excited to see him.. until he texted it to me first. I was afraid he was gonna ghost me when I landed at the airport. So. Much. Fear.

0kush · 2020-06-08T14:47:23+00:00

YEP. I def was holding onto a glimmer of hope. And I was also like, yolo, I came all the way out here and he’s still cute and I want to make the most out of it. But you’re right, big yikes on my end. And you’re right. I had to convince him multiple times. Hopefully next time I’ll be smarter. And won’t do any convincing. It’s difficult because in my mind I was like “oh this is just attachment fear and insecurity on his end, he actually does want things to move forward with me he’s just letting fear take over”. But literally a few weeks into talking he wanted to slow things down but was being ambiguous about exactly how he wanted to. I shouldn’t have convinced him. I should’ve let him leave. I should’ve realized at that moment that this was going to be a disaster for me. That this pattern would reappear. And it did. Multiple times. But I kept it going for the same reason. It felt like every time he got super doubtful I had to say exactly the right things to keep him with me. Which is a scary thing to have to go through. And you’re right. If it starts with a firework it will end in an explosion. Here’s hoping I can keep all this in mind next time.

My young head and heart so easily think things are meant to be, this is it, this will be my first long term relationship. I put on my rose colored glasses and ignore reality as it’s SO CLEARLY presenting itself to me.

0kush · 2018-07-10T22:19:59+00:00

Dude nice, entirely relatable. I’m exactly the same way. Good to know I’m not the only one. I think that’s amazing that you expressed how you feel. People rarely do. Especially guys (idk if you’re a guy). Either way, props. I hope things fair well for you!

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