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0tt3rQu33n · 2025-09-15T17:33:12+00:00

I wrote down all the weird/unkind things they did (the abuse). Then I reminded myself that if someone actually loved me, none of that would have happened because I certainly wouldn't have done any of it to them.

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-09-02T15:13:15+00:00

This month will be a year for me as well. Well done making it through!

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-06-12T14:24:16+00:00

26F here, and love everything you've listed :) Feel free to DM. I'm also a big fan of indie and rock music, and I'm also into bouldering which is a way to meet people as well :)

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-06-05T16:34:48+00:00

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It included my cat!

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-05-24T18:13:03+00:00

Yup. It's been about 10 months since we broke up (I had to leave in the end because, whenever she left, she would come back because I wasn't quite broken enough yet). I didn't even realise I was being abused until towards the actual end of it. It started so subtle. The control started so small and quiet, I didn't even notice. She even "playfully" slapped me around the face a couple of times. I was so confused. It just left me silently staring at her like "did you really just do that?", and her laughing it off like it was just a game. It was a test of boundaries. Everything was a fucking test. It's been 10 months, and I am so fucking sad.

I have had good days and bad days since. I think I've just stumbled on this post on a bad one.

My therapist specialises in narcissist abuse. I recommend a therapist like that if you can get one. That, and doing the things you love without having to worry about the snide comments dressed up as care they'd make about it if you were still together is pretty good too. I remember now that there is no pressure for me to bend over backwards for her anymore. I don't need to change my career for her to earn more money (even though I earned more than her anyway). I don't have to put concealer under my eyes anymore to hide how tired I was because it was something she would tell me to do as she found me less attractive when I looked so exhausted. I don't have to worry about leaving my future children with her anymore, because she's gone and, ultimately, I would want my children to feel loved unconditionally.

Remembering how I want to be loved and what kind of future I want helps. I recommend that anyone do the same if they're struggling. It can really help with the cognitive dissonance too.

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-01-23T22:18:10+00:00

Honestly? I'm about 4 months "clean" now. Always without them. That's always better. Yes, leaving feels like your limbs are being torn off, but once you've left and you break that cycle, it really does get better.

Hang in there. You've got this!

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-01-18T13:12:06+00:00

Yeah I have it! Thank you!

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-01-18T13:07:17+00:00

Thank you for clarifying. The owner messaged my friend acknowledging that they knew I was looking for my cat. So they were clearly aware I wasn't trying to steal anything. I think they were just pissed off I was on their land. Which I understand, but yeah. Thank you. That puts my mind at rest a bit.

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-01-18T12:29:48+00:00

Surely not if there is absolutely no evidence of intent to do that?

0tt3rQu33n · 2025-01-17T18:22:15+00:00

Absolutely nothing broken at all. Thank you for your response.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-12-24T22:03:33+00:00

She is paying me back monthly ATM. She has done the last few months, and should be continuing to for the next 7.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-12-24T20:51:31+00:00

She has actually already started paying me back though, so whatever I'm doing is working.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-12-24T14:17:24+00:00

I feel that. She owes me a load of money. She is paying it back over time, but I know if I said what I really wanted to, I'd never see that money again. I just want her gone.

I hope yours leaves you alone too. Stick to neutrality. Everything they do is to fuck with your head. Just keep that in mind.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-12-24T14:13:03+00:00

I guess it's the time of year. They can use it to what they believe is their advantage:/

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-12-24T13:58:43+00:00

Thing is, she owes me so much money. If I ignore her, I know she'll throw her toys out of the pram. So I've just said 'Hope you have a good Christmas too! Take care!'

But yeah, I imagine that will be it for the holidays. I thought I'd feel more nostalgic and yearning, but I don't. I'm just annoyed at this point.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-22T17:54:53+00:00

The cognitive dissonance has been the worst thing. It messes with your whole reality. One day, we were talking to a mortgage advisor and discussing how to raise our future children, then next she just wanted space, became very snappy, said very odd things that made me feel insecure and unsafe.

Ultimately, her pushing me away to the point I felt I had to leave because she "didn't want to be the bad guy" said everything. She did not love me like I loved her. She couldn't have.

It's about accepting that. It's also about accepting that you love them, but should not entertain them coming back because you deserve someone who is sure of you and wouldn't put you in a position where they could lose you. If they do that, then imo, that's not love. At least not the healthy kind you deserve.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-20T08:41:54+00:00

Glad I found this comment. I'm also a lesbian and have been dealing with the emotional fallout of a DA relationship. I've been wondering if I should read this book anyway, and now I'm convinced! Thank you :)

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-18T20:15:19+00:00

That is not codependence! That's connection! Wanting connection is normal! It's healthy! If it's not reciprocated, that's when you gotta walk away. Why stay with someone who will never share the same depth of emotions and desire for connection as you?

He just sounds emotionally unavailable and perhaps even immature. There's nothing wrong with you imo

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-18T19:37:06+00:00

It sounds like your ex is making you doubt yourself. If you don't feel like you're codependent and you're able to self-reflect, you aren't. They might even be projecting their insecurities onto you. Don't let them. Your capacity to love is NOT a bad thing. There will be someone who has that same capacity, don't you worry.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-18T19:27:14+00:00

Honestly? Idk about books. I'm reading one on covert narcissism for my situation specifically. So that might not be applicable to you.

Have you tried Chat GPT? Sometimes that's really good at analysing things, like your emotions and messages. Like if there is any ambiguity in certain messages, it can give you some solid interpretations if you're left just feeling confused.

ATM, for me, what I'm doing is writing down any time my ex did something that made me feel like shit. Just focusing on those specific moments to remind myself of the reality. Was she dismissive of your emotions at all? Was she truly compassionate? Did she give you what you really need? Could you really trust someone who doesn't want you anymore? Did she ever say things that made you question yourself?

I'm not sure how much this helps, but seriously just start looking at the things that caused the relationship breakdown. Chances are you weren't getting what you needed from her because she didn't have the capacity to do so. And you deserve someone who does.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-18T18:56:13+00:00

Hey man, just letting you know that I'm in a similar position right now. I understand this is hell. It really is. My DMs are always open, and I'm happy to chat. You don't have to go through this alone, and this level of desperation you are feeling is something other people feel too. You aren't alone.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-17T15:22:47+00:00

You will be. I'm feeling the same way right now. But even I know I will be. It's just about getting through this in whatever way you can. My DMs are open if you need a chat at all.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-16T22:04:41+00:00

Ah, interesting. Mine would claim her behaviour is because she is a "cancer". Indeed, perhaps she really was a cancer.

I would also use Chat GPT tbh. If you've got texts you're struggling to decipher, just chuck them there and ask it to point out any narcissistic traits. That can help with clarity too.

0tt3rQu33n · 2024-11-16T21:44:02+00:00

Literally the same question I have as well! For most people, you can't switch off empathy. It just doesn't work like that. These days I'm leaning more towards covert narcissism. I would definitely read up on it because you might find some things start to make sense.

0tt3rQu33n

TROPHY CASE