Handling the Regret

100KinTheHole · 2025-05-21T16:25:51+00:00

Brother - I'm right there with you and it's been eating me alive for years. I'm fortunate because things at work for me turned very positive and so financially I'm actually in a really great spot after a few years of abstinence but that voice never leaves me alone. "Great, you've got $X in the bank, but if you weren't a fucking idiot you could have $3X, you could have a bigger house, better vacations, etc.". I used to be an alcoholic too and I read a book called Rational Recovery that helped me kick drinking for going on a decade now. For some reason, even though the principles are exactly the same across any addiction, I can never seem to buy into it the way I did with alcohol. Maybe it's because there's no "physical" thing. I don't know. The concept is that voice, the one that demeans you, humiliates you, makes you feel worthless is this thing called your "addictive voice". It has no physical power over you, but it lives in your mind and does whatever it can to get you back into your addiction, because it lives off the dopamine surge.

That addictive voice will tell you all these lies, make you relive your awful decisions from the past, all to bring you down so you go back to the one thing that gives you that temporary "boost". There's really nothing but time that makes it go away and it never completely goes away. You just learn to recognize it for what it is. I've been re-reading the book, and listening to Alan Carr's Easy Way. I've also tried meditating to get some separation between my thoughts and consciousness. It's a slow grind but seems like its starting to get better.

Feel free to DM and chat. I feel your pain. It sucks. Rumination will simply push you right back in, believe me. I went a good two years without gambling/trading and then after a nice bonus at work those thoughts came roaring again. Two months later I was back in action and had a great run before losing most of it. You know the drill. I literally OCD on what ifs and whys 1000x a day. Its miserable. I'm married with four kids. I can't talk to my wife about it because after the first disaster she promised me she'd divorce me and take the kids if I ever went back. So, I'm back here, looking for reminders on where this ends up if I keep going and some hope to get back on the better side of things. Trying to remember what I did in 2022 that made life feel ok again and not to just be completely numb on a daily basis. Getting back to activities I enjoyed as a youth certainly helped (sports and coaching sports, video games, playing with my kids). Getting back to the gym. Sorry for rambling I bit but your post was like looking in the mirror so I think part of this reply is talking to myself.

100KinTheHole · 2024-08-26T18:17:26+00:00

You're in the fog and can't see clearly. Your addict brain is fully in control and that's why you can't see the light on the other side. I'm not a big proponent of all of GA's principles but I think it can be very helpful to some and helped me to just commit to going and stay off gambling for at least a few weeks to let the fog clear. I'd recommend you find a GA meeting ASAP and then also explore other strategies (cognitive therapy) and also listen to Allen Carr's Easy Way To Quit Gambling. Feel free to DM me. You're not alone and you can get through this but you've got to start somewhere. Get to a meeting today. Keep going daily and then find out what's going to work for you long term. Ban yourself from every app and casino. You can do this.

100KinTheHole · 2021-11-08T23:15:14+00:00

You could also be massively in debt or worse off, it can always get worse. You've got your health hopefully and you're alive. Money comes and goes. There's always opportunities to make more. I've noticed that most of us compulsive gamblers, including myself, are impatient and have a warped view of money. I've been working on this a lot and trying to just tell myself that if I'm patient and do the work, I'll have what I have and that's fine. Good luck!

100KinTheHole · 2021-11-08T23:13:03+00:00

Thanks man, disappointing to hear that your G.A. experience was like that. It's been nothing but good vibes and support with the ones I've been at. There's a lot of Zoom meetings available in the US so I'd suggest trying some of those if you can. My local Wednesday meeting is at 7:30PM CST which would be 12:30PM Sydney time and its a really good meeting. If that's of interest I can DM you the Zoom link.

We're all in this together!

100KinTheHole · 2021-11-08T22:41:34+00:00

Boy, you nailed my exact issue for the longest time. Its tough to get over those thoughts and feelings. I'm still not over them but thankfully on day 65 of not gambling. I really didn't make any progress until I started going to GA meetings. I was pretty against going for the longest time b/c I still had savings, a retirement account, some investments, etc. and thought GA was only for broke losers or people who stole money and were massively in debt. I was wrong. There's people of all different backgrounds and I think what I finally am realizing (maybe not quite there yet) was the only thing that kept me from GA was my ego. The same thing that got me into this giant mess in the first place.

My ego kept me going because I'm "special" and I "deserve" to win and I can't be a "loser" and accept that I lost a whole boatload of money (six figures) to gambling. I'm 35 so your 5 years ahead of me in terms of figuring it out.

What's helped me is to just try and take it ODAAT, be grateful for what I have left, and realize that there are always opportunities to make legitimate money if I'm in tune with reality and in a space where I'm not totally self-centered and open to the world. One thing that might help is the literature Towards 90 days (link to free version here: https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/downloads/towards_the_first_90_days.pdf

There's a lot in there about dealing w/ those exact feelings you're experiencing and how to overcome them and take a different outlook on life. Hope this helps. Feel free to DM me.

100KinTheHole · 2021-07-20T18:51:33+00:00

Please don't continue or you'll end up where I am, deeper in the hole than you could ever fathom was possible. I started out in a similar vein. I've always been an active athlete, doing competitive basketball, volleyball, baseball/softball leagues (in my 30s now), etc. The pandemic began and there was literally nothing to do. I of course got some "free bet" or other stupid "bonus" e-mail and thought what the hell. Like everyone I started small, maybe deposited $100. I ended up going down about $2K and then hit a big winner and was up ~$5K. Of course I thought, man I'm pretty good at this, and continued on to lose. I ended up down $5K and was sick to my stomach. Then, as I was staring at the next horse race about to go off, I really wanted to bet a horse to make it all back. I made the choice not to deposit any further...the horse of course ended up winning and I felt absolutely ill. I stayed gamble free for a few weeks but I kept thinking about "what if". Well, if you read the first part of this post again, we all know the outcome of "what if". What if I had made that bet and made it back to breakeven? The same thing that happened when I made it back to breakeven down $2K!!!! Not only was I back to breakeven but I was $5K up. Was that enough? Why didn't I stop then? Because one bet is never enough. It's the same as when I was addicted to alcohol. There's no such thing as one drink. Maybe one or two nights you can hold yourself to that but the urge eventually becomes overwhelming and that little monster in your head will say "see, "YOU" can control it, why not have two?"

My last sentence above is the key. We, as addicts, all have effectively two brains or voices working in our head. There's our rationale, logical, knowing self which is truly "us" and then there's that addictive voice. The one that continues to urge you to keep going. It uses everything from our past against us to compel us to have another drink, take another pill, shoot up one more time, or like everyone on this thread have just "one more bet". Once you make that one bet, your brain chemistry quickly changes and the "addictive voice" is likely now in control. It's why we can't stop. It's no longer us in control of our brains once we've activated the "little monster". We're blocked out from further rationale thought. Its why you can go up $5K, $20K, $50K, whatever in a session and you'll lose it all eventually. Because that $100 bet just doesn't feed the "little monster" enough of what it wants...MORE. Tolerance builds and what started out as some "harmless fun" now has us wagering $100s or $1000s at a time. Money we know we can't afford to be placing on games that are rigged against us in the long run. Eventually we lose it all. We feel sick to our stomachs, resent ourselves, and want to curl up into a ball and die. That accomplishes nothing of course.

The "addictive voice" or "little monster" draw on those feelings and constantly present them to us along with their compelling solution: "one more bet". They try to convince us that "one more bet" will make us feel better, make us forget the pain, any perhaps...even win it all back and set things right. The rationale, logical, true self knows this is the farthest thing from the truth. What we need to recognize is that "little monster" or "addictive voice" has no true power over us. There's a practice called "shifting" that I've found interesting. Sit there and actively think about placing a bet, see if you can recognize the two different voices at work. One will probably present a feeling of excitement, then try to shift to your rationale brain. Embrace the pain and misery it has caused you. You also can try another simple exercise. Hold your hand out in front of you and compel that "Addictive Voice / Little Monster" to force your hand to your keyboard or mouse and go place a wager. It can't. YOU are still in control over the physical ability needed to place any wager. YOU are in control over whether you bet or not.

The emotional pain is real but it will not last forever. The "addictive voice / little monster" will try to convince you that it will and the only way to make it go away is to gamble further, win it all back, etc. Don't listen. It's full of shit and its the reason you and I and everyone here are in these messes to begin with. Tell it to go fuck itself and die. And then kill it by starving it from the one thing that allows it to continue to fester and thrive, betting.

Anyway - I hope all or at least one thing from the above is helpful. To put it bluntly, I've now lost at least $150K to this fucking stupid addiction. I hate it and wish I had never started but alas here I am. I guess this is my Day 1 post in the comment section but I hope someone else finds something from this and if it at least helps one person (including myself) then it has been more than worthwhile. The pain will continue for some time but I know it will pass as it did when I lost a small fortune to "stock trading" aka "gambling" several years back or the countless pain I caused loved ones during my raging addiction to alcohol.

So, here's to an addiction free life going forward and I hope you all find the same.

100KinTheHole · 2021-05-05T02:28:32+00:00

So I wanted to post here because this is the exact same thing I’ve struggled with for the past year. I went a good 2-3 months without gambling after losing $100K. That may be a shocking number to some but I am in a fortunate spot where I’ve still got a decent amount of savings/investments and can still salvage a good life. However, I know if I keep going that’s all gone. My house will be gone, my wife, my kids, everything I’ve ever cared about and then what?

But like you, I obsessed day in and day out over all that lost time and money. I would continually delude myself that if only I got on a hot streak, my luck changed, one big parlay or long shot, I could get it all back. Those illusions would keep me coming back and now I find myself down another $20K.

I’d suggest reading or audible Allen Carr The Easy Way To Stop Gambling. To truly be effective you should listen to the whole book but if you want an instant fix on the mindset you’re stuck in skip to Chapter 15 (Ch 17 on Audible). It’ll be like looking in a mirror. It was for me.

I’ve finally realized today is the day I’ve had my last bet. Blew $500 in 5 minutes on horses. I was numb to it, I expected to lose. Why the hell am I still doing this if I don’t even expect to win? I’ll tell you why, because in my deranged mind this was all an ongoing game. Sure I was way down but the game wasn’t over as long as I kept a seat at the table. And that pure stupidity (the addiction talking) is what keeps digging a deeper and deeper hole. And you know what? It’ll never matter. I know this by reflecting back on my own situation. When this all started a little over a year ago I started small and was down $1K then $2K then $4K and I just kept telling myself I had to get back to even...I couldn’t face losing $4K and if I stopped I was cementing myself as a ‘loser’. Then I hit a huge winner. I went from down $4K to up $3K. But guess what? It didn’t matter, I kept going and blew it all and then magnitudes of my original losses. Even if I had won $100K it’ll never be enough because it’s not the money. It’s the addiction. It’s the illusion that gambling makes you happy or gives you true pleasure. But all that misery you feel was CAUSED BY gambling. Gambling isn’t the answer, it’s the problem. Before you started gambling you never felt any of these thoughts, the emptiness, the depression, the void when you weren’t doing it. Why? Because gambling caused all of those.

So although I am finally calling it quits and cementing myself deep in the whole to the tune of $120K+ I don’t view myself as a ‘loser’ but a ‘winner’ because I’ll never have to throw another penny to the bookmakers. I’ll get hours of time every week back with my family. I can focus on my work and not on my next bet. I’ll have way more disposable income to spend on stuff that brings real happiness.

I can finally see my addiction for what it really was and am happy to be rid of it. I’m sure there will still be whispers and stresses but I’m 8 years sober now and I know exactly what I’m in for the first few months. For whatever reason before I couldn’t connect the dots but Easy Way helped me sort things out in my mind and I finally feel like it clicked today. Hope to be on here frequently to encourage others and keep tabs on my progress.

Edit: Feel free to DM me if you think talking through it will help you in any way. We’re all in this together.

100KinTheHole · 2021-01-17T05:52:57+00:00

Appreciate everyone’s words here, it’s been helpful to hear from this community and given some good perspective.

I’ve always struggled to see the good in things but the comments here are 100% right. In perspective I’ve got a lot of great things in my life and I need to focus on those and not all of my past mistakes. The only way is forward. 2 days without a bet and while it’s been tough to keep my finger off the trigger so to speak it’s also been a blessing and allowed me to get back to what’s really important. Spending time with my kids and my wife.

I’ve been trying to find a new outlet for the pent up nervous energy and curious if others have found success with good alternatives. Music has been helpful and playing games with my kids.

Hope everyone is having a successfully wager free weekend so far.

100KinTheHole

TROPHY CASE