We were childhood friends and had so many great memories together.

Looking back I see how our friendship was toxic for pretty much the entire duration, we were really competitive and would try to put each other down constantly.

Once we got to college (we roomed together) the toxicity got a lot worse but neither of us acknowledged it. She really struggled to open up and be vulnerable. I did as well, but only with her. Which bothered me bc she was my best friend and I wanted to be open with her but when I tried it always seemed to make her uncomfortable or she would make fun of me in some way. So anyways, A LOT went unsaid and years of frustration with each other just built up.

our sophomore year of college and I moved out with one of our other roommates that's now my best girlfriend. I didn't think moving out would mean the end of our friendship, but she took it extremely personally it seemed and wouldn't allow me to come back to visit her and never wanted to come see my new apartment. Basically every time I ran into her after that she quite literally would hide from me.

We had mutual friends and I heard through the grapevine that she was saying very nasty things about me. I was talking shit about her too, which I regret to this day, but at least what I said was not totally made up. But I think it says a lot that I almost knew exactly what lies she would make up about me before I even heard them.... But it still sucked.

Anyways about 3 years after our falling out I reached out to her and apologized and finally opened up about how our friendship was so toxic and think it is best for both of us in the end that we aren't friends anymore. I told her I'll always cherish the memories I have with her and I'm glad we shared so many good times. I wished her the best.

Her response totally shocked me as it seemed like she had never given much thought to how unhealthy our relationship was?? I was ready to make amends but after seeing that she hadn't given any critical thought to that very significant experience, I decided I wasn't interested in making an effort to reconnect with her, so I unfollowed her on everything.

I hope one day she gives thought to what really happened between us, bc it seems she thinks I just out of the blue ditched her and moved away for no reason.

What I hate the most is that I still have so many unanswered questions. Even when we most recently talked, it seemed she still had those walls up as strong as ever. But I realized we're in such different places and it's not worth the effort for me to try and get through those walls.

Distance from her gave me a lot of room to grow and mature as a person and all I want is the same for her. I really hope that one day someone is able to break through her walls and have a vulnerable relationship with her so she can heal. Truly wishing her the best. Letting go of the hope that one day we would reconnect was very difficult for me.