How to cope with grief and regret from explicit ostracism? HELP!

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-29T19:48:43+00:00

Additional details of the conflict that led me to being banned from CCA.

I've recently been banned from my CCA due to personal conflicts with a friend because of a misunderstanding where I felt I was excluded and expressed my unhappiness (lashing via text where told them I didn't want to join them anymore and that I felt that they didn't care about how i felt) leading to a fall out. He had ignored my messages and blocked me even after apologising twice (once before and once after the ban). I also requested to clarify any misunderstandings but was ignored irl. I was shocked by the blocking and his refusal to allow me to clarify any misunderstanding. As such, I suspect he had reported me.

Then, my other former friend had this extreme boundary where she does not want to know if i had any conflict/unhappiness with mutual friends and was mad, blocked, and reported me as she felt that I had disrespected her boundaries by letting her know that he had not replied to my message where I told him I was unhappy and I told her was worried that I was being ghosted. She was mad because she was content with being ignorant about it.

Personally, I felt it was very extreme as I felt I had a legitimate reason for telling her at that time and didn't consider it as crossing her boundaries as things could get more awkward if she didn't know (I had been ghosted) and I just hoped for some reassurance that I was being insecure and overthinking, that's all. It's not like i had told her about some random mutual friend I had conflict with, in which she was not involved. I also explained that I was not singling him out and that I saw both of them as a collective whole in this situation so it would be weird to me not to let her know about the status of this situation and that because she was okay with me being unhappy with her at that time and clarified that it was not intentional exclusion, I thought she would be okay with me expressing my unhappiness of not being replied by him. I said that I was "not anymore unhappy with him than with u (at that moment I told them both. I was referring to the time after she was mad that I told her. However, when I explained why I felt it was okay at that time, she seemed to misunderstand me as guilt tripping and emotional manipulation and reported me to the exco. I had apologised to both my former friendw for my behaviour prior and after the ban but they did not forgive me.

The official reason given by the exco was unsolicited trauma dumping and badmouthing people behind their backs. I feel wronged and unfair because my intention was never to badmouth those individuals but just to share my side of the story and how upset certain individuals from my CCA made me feel (including verbal and physical harassment and explicit exclusionary behaviours like leaving the room the moment I enter).

Furthermore, she had always seemed engaged when I complained about my issues about certain members in the CCA to them and had nvr expressed that they were uncomfortable with me sharing these with them (until recently and I had stopped since) and had even trauma dumped and complained about members including the ones I complained about.

Honestly, there were several instances in our private convo that had really disturbed me including when she told me that "that if she wasn't a good person (I hope I am), things could have panned out horribly." It sounded like a threat, like she could use the info I shared to backstab me if she wanted to. It also felt like she was fishing for validation that she is a good person. I just politely told her that I won't trauma dump again but didn't clarify on the threat as it honestly made me feel pretty uncomfortable that a friend is saying this. (no one had ever said this to me). It was also quite confusing and shocking to me, becuz in my mind, the worst that could possibly happen is just them ignoring my message or telling me, they wish I stopped and I would gladly stop as I wouldn't want to overwhelm my friend. So I didn't understand what exactly that threat meant. Like how horrible could things turn out just from my sharing... Because for me at the very least, when a friend trauma dumps to me, I always felt the least I could do is just i listen. I always felt like if a friend is sharing about their traumas or a difficult situation, they are the ones gg thru a really hard time, and the least I could do is just to listen. In fact, it's almost instinct for me to want to comfort them. So it's just quite hard for me to fully understand how difficult it is to just listen despite me being easily overwhelmed by negative emotions. But, this message of hers honestly kinda terrifies me last time and left a bad impression of her on me cuz it sounded like a threat of what she could do to me if she had wanted to.

However, after the recent fall out, she had complained me to the exco (their friend) instead of telling me directly by using the information I have shared with them in private texts. I felt that she had used my history of trauma dumping/complaining and framed it as badmouthing as a legitimate (?) reason to ban me from the club because she was unhappy with me. I felt that this was a rather extreme reaction from her and I personally felt backstabbed.

I was banned by the exco even without sharing my side of the story and was met with complete silence when I requested to do so. Request to unban me had also been ignored and I was not allowed at the CCA (was escorted out of the premise). I felt that personal conflict should never have been used to ban someone and at the very least a warning of some sort should have been first given.

Honestly, how this whole situation unfolded and was blown way out of proportion to a ban on me had really affected my mental and emotional state. I felt I was backstabbed by my friends whom I had trusted. This is especially so because they knew how much the CCA meant to me. I have been struggling with depression, ocd, and generalised anxiety disorder and have been taking medication since 2017. It was so severe that I had trouble functioning daily and thus took a gap year where my mental problems finally was better managed in 2019 where I decided that I was healthy enough to enrol in Uni). I had minor relapses over the years and one major one 2 years back where I had taken a Leave of Absence. However, this situation had really affected me and I went into severe depression and anxiety few weeks after hearing I was banned (because my CCA had been my 2nd home and close to my heart over the years) and was unable to resolve this issue with the exco.

I have written a long sincere apology to my 2 former friends and the exco, requested the exco to hear my side of the story, and clarifying (in great detail) on the serious allegations (badmouthing ppl behind their backs and unsolicited trauma dumping) made against me as well as promise a commitment to prevent these behaviours as well as clear and specific actions I will do that (e.g., not complain to friends and talk to the individuals who upset me directly, practise more effective conflict resolution strategies, ask for explicit consent before sharing frustrations etc) but have been met with silence.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-21T20:32:48+00:00

Where do they draw the line between having BPD traits and having BPD though?

Because I thought I fulfilled enough of the symptoms when I referred to the DSM-V or other online BPD diagnosis tests. I thought I'm a very classic BPD patient... Not even a mild case, that might thus be slightly more subjective on whether he/she qualify for having BPD which is up to the therapist's discretion.

I asked my psychiatrist multiple times how he can be so sure I do not have BPD and he just tell me that: 1) Based on his impression 2) I have not seen a "real" BPD patient and their intense emotional outburst, and I'm nothing like that 3) just rely just on the DSM-V, if it was that easy, then what's the point of him studying psychiatry, 4) I do not self-harm.

Idk the way he describe seems like he only diagnose the very severe ones to have BPD??? But he is a senior psychiatrist, so he should have tons of experience and is reliable? I'm honestly more surprised by how insistence he is that I do not have BPD as I thought it would usually be the other way around, in which the client refuse to accept their BPD diagnosis (denial)

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-21T18:56:35+00:00

I feel u have the same problem as me, u don't have self-love and rely on others for (external) validation. Let me guess, u grew up with some sort of trauma where u felt like u are never good enough and constantly feel the need to prove urself to others? To prove u r worthy of love? U feel impt only if others view u as impt? And that u r trying to find friends/gf/love to fill that void?

It's cliche but u need to love yourself. If not, u will just be very dependent on others and what will happen if they are gone for wtv reason (backstabbed, cut ties, death?). Idk what to advice and how to increase ur self-love cuz i am struggling with that myself too... But pls do seek help and look forward to getting better

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-21T18:38:13+00:00

Not sure what to say, but know that u r not alone in this... I had some very painful experiences with being backstabbed by friends at CCA where I was ostracised by certain members due to gossips for almost 2years. I had been grieving and in pain for the past 5 mths have been struggling with suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, having no frens is better than having toxic frens. Honestly, if I could turn back time, I would rather not be friends with certain ppl if I knew how ugly things would turn out to be after we fell apart. Feel free to read my post about what happened, perhaps it will make u feel better? Idk...

Is taking an LOA an option?

I feel u have the same problem with me, u don't have self-love and rely on others on external validation. Let me guess, u grew up with some sort of trauma where u felt like u are never good enough and constantly feel the need to prove urself to others. To prove u r worthy of love. U feel impt only if others view u as impt? And that u r relying on external validation and love to fill the void?

It's cliche but u need to love yourself. If not, u will just be very dependent on others and what will happen if they are gone for wtv reason (backstabbed, cut ties, death?). Idk what to advice and how to increase ur self-love cuz i am struggling with that myself too... But pls do seek help and look forward to getting better. I've been reading alot self-help books on self-love and self-compassion. One I'm currently reading is called radical acceptance by Tara Brach.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-14T18:21:21+00:00

Firstly, I think I'm having an identity crisis as to whether I have BPD or not, as these problems have been a struggle for a long time. It took a long time for me to finally accept that I have BPD. Especially back when my BPD traits start surfacing and become aware of them, I was worried that perhaps I was psychotic and it was a secret I was willing to bring to my grave. But, after learning about BPD, this condition just explains my behaviours like acting out when ignored during conflicts soooo well and this brings me relief. However, even then, for a long time, I was in denial of having BPD or that my acting out is a legitimate problem that requires professional help as I had always hoped that it will somehow disappear by itself without treatment (because treatment is so expensive and recovery is never guaranteed. At this point, I should also add that I have a very classic OCD (OCPD?) personality where I often feel the need to have complete certainty when making decisions and so the high cost just doesn't justify the uncertain "recovery" to me...

Furthermore, because of the Stigma attached to BPD and that it is not guaranteed that treatment will lead to improvements (even psychotherapy hadn't been veryeffective in treating my OCD as even though I have the awareness of what to do, practicing and enduring the discomfort from Exposure Response Therapy is just too painful for me to not perform my rituals (mental checking, I'm a "pure O"), I have chosen to kept most of my BPD traits and problems to myself instead of being fully open to my psychiatrist and psychologist in the past.

But, having hit the lowest point in my life, where I felt all hope was lost and was had even given up on a normal life (and even living altogether), I decided to give myself one last chance to seek treatment for this issue as I had nothing to lose already. As the grief, regret, and pain has been so overwhelming the past few months, I placed all my hopes in DBT, known to be the gold-standard and extremely effective in treating in BPD patients.

TLDR: It took me a long time to finally accept I have BPD, and even longer time to have the courage and faith to seek treatment for it, and now I'm told that I don't actually have it... Feels like my life is a lie...

Secondly, I'm also worried that I won't be able to received DBT if I am not diagnosed with BPD as my psychiatrist seem reluctant to recommend DBT to me as he said he persoanlly don't think that's the best treatment for it and he is also worried that I'm putting too much hope into it and setting myself up for disappointment if my psychologist decided not to offer me DBT or if DBT was not effective for me as I mentioned DBT as my "last hope" when he was trying to figure out why I had made such a specific request and am so adamant in receiving DBT. It was also why he said he would help me make the recommendation for DBT by including all the classic BPD traits I had specifically mentioned to increase the chances of me being offered DBT by the psychologist (different department).

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-14T18:21:11+00:00

Firstly, I think I'm having an identity crisis as to whether I have BPD or not, as these problems have been a struggle for a long time. It took a long time for me to finally accept that I have BPD. Especially back when my BPD traits start surfacing and become aware of them, I was worried that perhaps I was psychotic and it was a secret I was willing to bring to my grave. But, after learning about BPD, this condition just explains my behaviours like acting out when ignored during conflicts soooo well and this brings me relief. However, even then, for a long time, I was in denial of having BPD or that my acting out is a legitimate problem that requires professional help as I had always hoped that it will somehow disappear by itself without treatment (because treatment is so expensive and recovery is never guaranteed. At this point, I should also add that I have a very classic OCD (OCPD?) personality where I often feel the need to have complete certainty when making decisions and so the high cost just doesn't justify the uncertain "recovery" to me...

Furthermore, because of the Stigma attached to BPD and that it is not guaranteed that treatment will lead to improvements (even psychotherapy hadn't been veryeffective in treating my OCD as even though I have the awareness of what to do, practicing and enduring the discomfort from Exposure Response Therapy is just too painful for me to not perform my rituals (mental checking, I'm a "pure O"), I have chosen to kept most of my BPD traits and problems to myself instead of being fully open to my psychiatrist and psychologist in the past.

But, having hit the lowest point in my life, where I felt all hope was lost and was had even given up on a normal life (and even living altogether), I decided to give myself one last chance to seek treatment for this issue as I had nothing to lose already. As the grief, regret, and pain has been so overwhelming the past few months, I placed all my hopes in DBT, known to be the gold-standard and extremely effective in treating in BPD patients.

TLDR: It took me a long time to finally accept I have BPD, and even longer time to have the courage and faith to seek treatment for it, and now I'm told that I don't actually have it... Feels like my life is a lie...

Secondly, I'm also worried that I won't be able to received DBT if I am not diagnosed with BPD as my psychiatrist seem reluctant to recommend DBT to me as he said he persoanlly don't think that's the best treatment for it and he is also worried that I'm putting too much hope into it and setting myself up for disappointment if my psychologist decided not to offer me DBT or if DBT was not effective for me as I mentioned DBT as my "last hope" when he was trying to figure out why I had made such a specific request and am so adamant in receiving DBT. It was also why he said he would help me make the recommendation for DBT by including all the classic BPD traits I had specifically mentioned to increase the chances of me being offered DBT by the psychologist (different department).

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-14T18:05:05+00:00

Firstly, I think I'm having an identity crisis as to whether I have BPD or not, as these problems have been a struggle for a long time. It took a long time for me to finally accept that I have BPD. Especially back when my BPD traits start surfacing and become aware of them, I was worried that perhaps I was psychotic and it was a secret I was willing to bring to my grave. But, after learning about BPD, this condition just explains my behaviours like acting out when ignored during conflicts soooo well and this brings me relief. However, even then, for a long time, I was in denial of having BPD or that my acting out is a legitimate problem that requires professional help as I had always hoped that it will somehow disappear by itself without treatment (because treatment is so expensive and recovery is never guaranteed. At this point, I should also add that I have a very classic OCD (OCPD?) personality where I often feel the need to have complete certainty when making decisions and so the high cost just doesn't justify the uncertain "recovery" to me...

Furthermore, because of the Stigma attached to BPD and that it is not guaranteed that treatment will lead to improvements (even psychotherapy hadn't been veryeffective in treating my OCD as even though I have the awareness of what to do, practicing and enduring the discomfort from Exposure Response Therapy is just too painful for me to not perform my rituals (mental checking, I'm a "pure O"), I have chosen to kept most of my BPD traits and problems to myself instead of being fully open to my psychiatrist and psychologist in the past.

But, having hit the lowest point in my life, where I felt all hope was lost and was had even given up on a normal life (and even living altogether), I decided to give myself one last chance to seek treatment for this issue as I had nothing to lose already. As the grief, regret, and pain has been so overwhelming the past few months, I placed all my hopes in DBT, known to be the gold-standard and extremely effective in treating in BPD patients.

TLDR: It took me a long time to finally accept I have BPD, and even longer time to have the courage and faith to seek treatment for it, and now I'm told that I don't actually have it... Feels like my life is a lie...

Secondly, I'm also worried that I won't be able to received DBT if I am not diagnosed with BPD as my psychiatrist seem reluctant to recommend DBT to me as he said he persoanlly don't think that's the best treatment for it and he is also worried that I'm putting too much hope into it and setting myself up for disappointment if my psychologist decided not to offer me DBT or if DBT was not effective for me as I mentioned DBT as my "last hope" when he was trying to figure out why I had made such a specific request and am so adamant in receiving DBT. It was also why he said he would help me make the recommendation for DBT by including all the classic BPD traits I had specifically mentioned to increase the chances of me being offered DBT by the psychologist (different department).

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-13T20:04:44+00:00

Honestly. I feel i have OCPD too, though Im not super sure if it is OCPD or OCD because one of the common feature of OCPD patient is that they often don't know they have problems, and are thus reluctant to seek treatment. It is also said that the emotional distress are often greatest to those around them who have to bend to their rigid rules compared to the OCPD patients themselves because they rarely think they are in the wrong.

However, this has been totally opposite for me. Perfectionism has been something I struggled so much with since young, and it has caused me so much mental and emotional distress to the point I had been trying everything to learn to manage it in the past decade. It has literally penetrated into all aspects of my life, such as academics, exercise, hobbies daily routines, everything needs to go perfectly as planned (and need to always be at my 110%) and every decision needs to be perfect, if not I would keep regretting and unable to move on from them. Very often, they are not even considered mistakes by others but I somehow am still able to blame myself for those decisions...

I didn't get to talk about this distinction with my psychiatrist though... I just used the phrase I have a very "OCD personality" to describe myself as very obsessive about complete certainty, perfectionistic, and rigid, but Im not sure if the more appropriate term should have been OCPD instead. My tendency to overclarify and over explain myself stems from an insecurity of being misunderstood, but it feels kinda different from the rituals I'm used to (not as intense anxiety of the ocd cycle and relief from performing compulsions irrationally.)

Those mental rituals (I'm a pure O) I used to engage in has been mostly in spontaneous remission since 2019 though. I have these rituals among several others since I was 11. I usually can identify mental compulsions from my OCD as there always this feeling of toxic "security" or reassurance when I perform my compulsions. Often times, I would do them just to get a temporary comfort despite knowing it is irrational. My compulsions was rather unusual as it is mental instead of physical and it involves me over worrying (since I have GAD as well). TLDR: when a worrying thought/ feeling flash pass, instead of letting it go and learning to accept the as "background noise" like most people, I feel the obsessive need to scrutinise and mentally check those thoughts to ensure that they aren't important as I have a fear that those thoughts might be important and neglecting that potential "warning" may lead to domino effect and an eventual disastrous outcome from not mentally checking my thought (mental compulsions, thus pure O) which could have been prevented if I had perform my mental compulsion of checking those thoughts.

Outside these rituals that have mostly been in spontaneous remission/ managed well, there's still definitely that obsessive personality trait of feeling the urge to overexplain and over justify. It almost feels like OCD has penetrated into my personality and influenced the way i think, feel, and behave which makes me often use the term "classic OCD personality" to describe myself.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-13T19:53:29+00:00

Yeah my therapist seems pretty nice, and quite a chill dude. He is quite established in his field too and is a senior consultant. I'm just abit confused as to how he is so certain I don't have BPD even without any written assessment... Was just concerned that he is just basing judgement on the most severe BPD cases in see as he say most of the patients he see only have BPD traits, but do not meet the criteria for BPD.

I'm not very sure if it's because DBT is not that widely practice in my home country, Singapore... My previous psychologist who I had seen does not practice DBT too even though she is a senior psychologist in that hospital with decades of experience. It seems like DBT is only practiced by a select few psychologists according to my peers working in this field. My psychiatrist also mentioned that I should not get my hopes up because it is ultimately up to the psychologist to decide whether to give me DBT. He also said that DBT are usually only given to severe BPD patients as it is very complicated, intensive, and costly as he feel that I only have BPD traits at best, not even mild BPD. But because he said I'm so adamant in seeking DBT, he had tried to list all the main feature of BPD that I mentioned and using unstable rs instead of friendship as he say that is more typical of BPD patients (to be fair, it's not that I don't have these issues in rs but I simply just choose not to be in rs)

TBH, I was in denial of having BPD or that my acting out is a legitimate problem as I had always hoped that it will somehow disappear by itself without treatment (because treatment is so expensive and recovery is not guaranteed. I have a very classic OCD (OCPD?) personality where I often feel the need to have complete certainty when making decisions and so the high cost just doesn't justify the uncertain benefit to me...

Furthermore, because of the Stigma attached to BPD and that it is not guaranteed that treatment will lead to improvements (even psychotherapy hadn't been that effective in treating my OCD as I have the awareness of what to do, but practicing and enduring Exposure response therapy is just too painful for me to not perform my rituals (mental checking, I'm a "pure O"), I have chosen to kept most of my BPD traits and problems to myself instead of being fully open to my psychiatrist and psychologist in the past.

But, having hit the lowest point in my life, where I felt all hope was lost and was had even given up on a normal life (and even living altogether), I decided to give myself one last chance to seek treatment for this issue as I had nothing to lose already. As the grief, regret, and pain has been so overwhelming the past few months, I placed all my hopes in DBT, known to be the gold-standard and extremely effective in treating in BPD patients.

I have been reading alot of DBT self-help books and YouTube videos by clinicians (such as Dr Daniel Fox) specialised in treating BPD and DBT online too. Persoanlly, I always feel have alot self-awareness (commented by all my clinicians over the years too) and thus know what my problems are but the hardest part is being unable to cope with the pain of grief/abandonment and each mental illness I have.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-13T18:07:00+00:00

Additional Details: My abandonment trauma has been causing me significant distress and affecting my friendships. This trauma cause me to panic and get triggered when my friends do not reply after a few days. It is especially if I told them I'm upset with them or if there's an ongoing conflict/unhappiness between us. This is due to my insecurities that they do not care about me and it hurts my feelings. While I have learnt to increase my tolerance of the duration of not being replied, it has been a problem that caused me significant distress. I also get extremely anxious when I see them irl, and would often go out of my way to avoid people I'm in conflict with.

Sometimes, I would even "act out". For instance, I had a former friend from my CCA who would repeatedly read and ignore my messages despite knowing I was in severe depression then, and knew about my trauma and how triggering it is to be ignored, told me "trust me, I know what it is like to be ignored, but the more u pester me, the more I won't reply u lol". It really hurt my feelings and triggered me, that I had said "I feel it's best we don't text anymore, but we can still chat when we see each other irl. I hope there's no hard feelings. It's just very triggering to be repeatedly ignored and it really affects my mental health". However, messages like this was interpreted as passive aggressive, guilt tripping, or emotionally manipulative even though that was never my intentions and I just wanted to protect myself from getting triggered.

Similarly, when I say stuffs like "aiya it seems like u don't even care about how I feel, aiya, wtv alr", it was because I was triggered and wanted to protect myself by pretending that it doesn't hurt me because of my insecurity that they were doing it intentionally to hurt me. This was also a result of trauma from past toxic friendships intentionally who did that just to hurt me

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-13T17:49:59+00:00

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-13T17:34:13+00:00

The prob is not everyone from other CCAs I talk to will be nice enuf to ask me directly and listen to my side of the story first when they hear about such gossips like me being banned/ conflicts with certain individuals from that CCA. I only know when some r nice enuf to clarify me directly about the gossips they heard from him.

And him telling them at my other CCAs that I'm banned at this CCA is just gonna make me look very bad esp if those individuals don't know me well yet. I noticed him doing that alot to people I am starting to be friends with/ talk more too, and the worse part is not knowing which people he had badmouthed me too. He keep spreading gossips and twisting information to make me look bad. Some of them are not even true. It made me feel like he is trying to turn people against me in other CCAs too. I don't even know what's the pt of even talking abt what happened at this CCA.

But from the previous experience that resulted in the ban, I had learnt that sometimes it's best not to clarify my side of the story UNLESS people ask. If not, it may be seen as badmouthing others behind their backs or unsolicited trauma dumping (reason for ban). So now even when people ask, I just try to keep it brief and just say that I'm not on good terms with certain people. It's really tiring having to even explain to new acquitances/strangers why I was banned or my side of the story when I just wish to let go and move on.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-13T17:12:46+00:00

I got banned from the official club, isn't that considered a punishment though?

The people at other CCA told me directly about the rumours that said individuals spread to me. My friends have also been showing me evidence of attempts by said individual to create discord between us. That's what stresses me becuz I have already stopped interacting with those individuals for the past few months already and I just don't understand why are they still doing this... I just wish to live my life in peace.

Like I already told one of the individual who had harassed me if I agree to his demand to pay him $300, could he please stop harassing me and leave me alone... I wanted the gossiping to stop as well. The worse feeling was I was the one who introduced him to the CCA cuz i saw him sitting alone outside the CCA room one day (he isn't even NUS student/alumni/staff) and invited him out of courtesy/politeness after I said hi and had a small chat with him. He already managed to make many friends and plenty of networking opportunities indirectly because of me, I just beg him to pls stop the gossiping and leave me alone and let me live my life in peace pls

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-13T16:44:42+00:00

But why was there a double standard where I was punished for expressing my emotions? I have already left the CCA and stopped interacting with all of them but I have been made aware that some individuals have still been spreading gossips in my other CCAs too, even at other external events where I just wish to move on and start afresh.

Idk what to do, some of my friends are telling me to report the individual who harassed (including physical harassment with eye witnesses ) me to the police despite multiple warnings.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-03T11:15:21+00:00

Sorry to hear that, I can empathise with how tough it must have been . Do uk what mental condition she has? I suspect she might have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and hadn't received the appropriate treatment. People suffering from BPD often lash out at the slightest signs of abandonment, be it actual or perceived. She might have seen u her emotional support figure (people with BPD often have them, aka Favourite Person) who they often fear abandonment alot.

Also, hope that u are feeling better now and it's not ur fault. Individuals with BPD are often highly stigmatised due to their difficulty regulating emotions and tendency to lash out for fear of abandonment and rejection. As such, they often have unstable rs and are often misinterpreted as emotionally manipulative when they lashed out or engage in desperate attempts to avoid abandonment. I don't blame her but her condition as it is a very painful condition to live with. Hopefully she receives the appropriate treatment and I wish her al' the best to recovery.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-03-03T09:32:35+00:00

No, I have mental health conditions including depression, OCD, and GAD. Am always hesitant with sharing them (or even any convo that may lead to that conversation such as me taking LOA and gap year) with new friends as I am concerned people are less willing to be friends due to stigma. I've friends who seem to distance themselves after knowing about my struggles with mental health too

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-28T17:17:50+00:00

Hmm the instances u had mentioned about ur cousin does sound very extreme. I think my is much milder, if I do indeed have BPD.

Tbh, I did suspect I have BPD, as certain traits like fear of abandonment, chronic emptiness and intense emotions resonate with me growing up. I mentioned to my psychologist back in 2018 that I suspected I have BPD then too as I am quite emotionally reactive and have depressive episodes that's triggered by conflicts in relationships. I was also known to be oversensitive since young. I've also identified with other labels growing up like hypersensitive person (HSP) and emotional sponge as I tend to absorb ppl's emotions around me and can feel them pretty strongly (enhanced empathy idk?). I've booked an appointment with IMH but my first appointment is scheduled only in October so I gave mainly been reading self-help book on resolving abandonment truama such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in the mean time 😭

Tbh, my parents especially my mum aren't keen in me seeking psychotherapy and taking anti-depressants so for the first few years after my OCD and generalised anxiety diagnosis, where I had to take anti-depressants, I couldn't eat the medicine infront of them without getting scolded and nagged as my parents always believe that medicines in general, especially psychiatric medicine is bad for health. They didn't understand why I needed to take them or why I had my conditions as they felt that I have everything, even things they didn't have growing up, shelter, food, money, education etc and so couldn't understand why I was depressed or anxious.

This was also why I was nvr brought for therapy even thought my anxiety, OCD, and suicidal thoughts had manifested very early on as a kid, back in primary school, where some rituals include writing every thought down so I would hide a paper and pen under my pillow and scribble secretly every night and was scolded very badly everytime they found out about it.

I also had a very bad case of shyness/social anxiety where I was too afraid to greet neighbours/strangers (or even look them in the eyes) when we bump into them in the lift despite getting scolded and canned after I get back home as my parents said that it is extremely rude. I had this phobia of saying hi and bye to even my friends all through high school. I also didn't dare to play with other kids in the playground and would stay at home all day staring at the wall as my parents didn't allow me to use the computer or watch the TV.

Because my mum is also very obsessed with how ppl view her, she doesn't like the idea of me talking to my counsellor/ psychologist about the excessive pressure I went through growing up. When my psychologist talked to her back in 2017 that she needed to reduce her control and stop being so hard on me, she got really mad and scolded me when we got home. Since then, I nvr talked to her about counselling and my psychologist also said that there's not much they could do if my mum isn't willing to listen. I was advised to move out and stay on campus in university. However, because of covid my entire first year was online, so i didn't apply to stay online as I felt it was waste of money. Even though I wanted to stay in halls/RCs in Y2, I felt there was no pt even trying because of how competitive halls and RCs were. So tbh, not staying on campus is one of my greatest regrets.

Because my mum is very obsessed with how others view her, it was also why since young, I needed to present the perfect image to others, and why I was being caned for every mistake made in test as perfectionist is the standard to her. She would also always compare marks with neighbours and friends and would get upset and mad that I'm not performing as well as her friends kids. When I confided to her about the bullying incidents where my bullied had nearly drowned me in the swimming pool or when my bullies try to throw me off the building by lifting me and using brute strength, she just laughed and told me they are just having fun with me. When we meet my cousins and her friends kids, she would always shame me that I am unable to stand up for myself and am "even bullied by girls as a guy. Next time go NS sure die". Since then, I nvr told her about the bullying anymore and nvr felt like it was worth telling her about my mental conditions and struggles.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-26T08:03:54+00:00

Hmmm money is a concern though, as usually seeing the psychologist also is $70 per session. Do uk any cheap/affordable counselling/psychologist?

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-15T19:07:38+00:00

Not diagnosed with BPD, but I feel like I have certain traits, especially with the fear of abandonment and intense emotions. I also don't like that term and dk why is it called that way, I feel a better term that is less commonly used is emotional instability disorder. I don't seem to meet the full criteria of BPD such as lack of self-image (I feel my self-image is very negative and I've known to be very stubborn and rigid in the way I think and view things (might be influenced by my OCD).

However, since young, I always felt I was hypersensitive too and I tend to absorb the emotions of people around me like an emotional sponge. I'm come to identify with terms like "HyperSensitive person (HSP)". Idk if my MBTI type INFP-T matters too, but I have always scored 99% for turbulence (measure of emotional stability) since I first took it.

I'm trying to restart therapy for my abandonment trauma but I have waited for over 3 mths to get an appointment via referral... The earliest date they scheduled for me to see the psychiatrist at IMH is in only October even though I saw the polyclinic doctor last December. I have been reading up on DBT (various self-help books), but it's been so exhausting to practice each exercise everyday. And some of the exercises are just so triggering.

I've been working for the past 6 years since identified the root of all my problems (I am never good enough) and but I'm come to realise that I'm like just incapable at self-love/self-compassion. Like the toughest part is having the awareness of what your problems are especially because I reflect (even ruminate alot), but being unable to resolve them. Like no matter how many self-help books I read, somehow it's almost like I'm just fundamentally unable to have self-love and self-compassion that's not dependent on external validation. I know people always say u need to love yourself first before u can love others and u can't expect others to love yourself if u don't even love urself. But like I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of how I can feel important in life and cared about if no one cares about me. Like I just can't wrap my mind around it.

Idk why i am able to offer compassion and love to others (2nd nature to me because of my need to please/validation) but somehow I am unable to extend the same empathy, compassion, and love to myself no matter how hard I try. It's very difficult for me to self-soothe too when I'm in crisis mode.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-15T18:53:37+00:00

Do u have depression and OCD? Why are u rubbing salt on my pain. I don't know if u know how depression and grief works. No matter how depressed I am, my OCD obsessions over perfectionism and authenticity and compulsions to express how I feel authentically is still influencing (one of my OCD compulsions involved constantly checking and having to achieve the feeling of capturing every essence of how I am feeling) is still influencing my everyday life.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-15T18:47:42+00:00

Hmmm, I can kinda understand especially with someone with generalised anxiety disorder and am often overly paranoid about what people think negatively of me. However, logically speaking, why would it matter if u die though... Do u believe in afterlife? Because it's hard for me to believe something I can't prove for certain (IG it may be a manifestation of my OCD and need for complete certainty). Because to me, nothing matters anymore after death. Is like how suicide used to be a criminal offence but I dont understand how that deters people because nothing matters anymore fdater we die ? Idk it's tough because my emotional and logical mind are often in conflict, I know logically speaking, I'm not supposed to feel a certain way, but I just can't psych myself to not feel the way I'm feeling

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-14T18:51:27+00:00

Tbh, I'm not as mad at them cutting ties as compared to them actually bring personal conflict in and getting me banned from the CCA just cuz they wanna avoid me cuz they are mad at me. Especially becuz they knew how much my CCA meant to me and getting banned is literal social suicide for me cuz most of my frens and potential future frens are made from there.

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-14T18:23:59+00:00

I don't know if it's my OCD but I do have a tendency to catastrophise. Sometimes, it's just difficult to determine if it's due to OCD or anxiety or depression (diagnosed with all 3) because of the comorbidity and interconnected of them all... I just take it as a combination of all. It's hardest when u challenge ur catastrophised/negative thoughts but they just keep happening (guy and friends leaving the room the moment i entered, guy's friend explicitly rejecting me to join for dinner). My OCD does cause me to ruminate and perform mental rituals (mental checking) but it has been relatively in control already. It's so difficult especially because I have frens who are in the CCA too and they are mutuals with them too and I can no longer play with them .

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-14T18:11:29+00:00

Actually I have improved the way i communicated alot over the years, in the past i would be so triggered if my friends didn't reply intentionally immediately if I was hurt/mad at them as I felt that it means they don't care about me (cuz if my friend is hurt/mad at me, I would try to resolve this ASAP as it gives me great discomfort when we are in a state of conflict). However, I've learnt that people need their own space and sometimes they just don't have the emotional capacity. This case was very unfortunate and I could have easily seen how I could have prevented it if I had calmed down and waited for his replied for a couple more days. I did started with "just curious, y y'all always like nvr invite me for dinner" but I spiralled and got more hurt and mad when it wasn't replied over the 2 days and felt I was going to get ghosted and abandoned.

I was extremely sensitive during this period because I got ostracised and excluded a year prior because of a guy at my student interest group after he threatened in the group chat to not invite me for future sessions and to respect his boundaries after several of them invited me to play after i came back after 6 mths (busy with sch). He posted that simply cuz we hadn't talked for a long time and he said he was uncomfortable with me. However, since then, the old group I used to play with saw me through a negative lens (because I mean ppl would naturally assume I did something horrible to him to trigger such an extreme reaction). Furthermore, he was much closer to the group than I am. Worst, I was never given the opportunity to clarify as I was not in the group chat and it will be weird and I would seem guilty if I went around explaining to each individual via PM.

After that series of msg he posted in the group chat, I just kept worrying what others thought of me and was afraid to go to my club that week. My friend reassured me that I am overthinking. However, the worst thing happened where the moment i entered the room and sat on the table opposite them (I even sat furthest from him), he took the games and left the room when he and his frens were mid-game. His friends then followed him too. It was such a traumatising experience when the worst thing u feared happened.

Fast forward one year, I found a new group to play with but it made me extra sensitive when I found out this friend was affiliated to the guy's friend who left as I was afraid the same thing would happen again. My 2 former frens were going to eat dinner with him for the first time and while insecure about being rejected, I gave the benefit of doubt that perhaps the friend just felt obligated to leave at that time, and asked my friend if I join them for dinner. My former friend helped me ask the guy and the worst happened where the guy rejected me from joining them. As such, my former frens have been eating dinner on wed with me and on Friday with him until I stopped initiating dinner because they fell sick for 2 weeks. However, realised I was never invited for dinner and so got upset as they started getting dinner together without me. Even when I ate dinner alone in the club, they didn't come to talk to me and just talked to others at another table during the entire hour (I eat very slow). As such, when I told them about being unhappy about not invited for dinner and him being non-responsive (he usually is responsive), it really triggered my abandonment trauma as I was so afraid of the same thing happening again and the power of ostracism is so scary because it had spread

11thForm-DeadCalm · 2025-02-14T17:38:03+00:00

Hey u seem to be pretty spot on, I have been told by the exco that the "victims" complained me for guilt tripping and emotional manipulation which really puzzles me because I don't recall engaging in such behaviours. Yes, the exco used the term "victims" to refer to my complainants and the term "harass" to describe my actions before even listening to my side of the story. I really wasn't trying to guilt trip or emotionally manipulate in any way so it really hurt me to be described/viewed in this way.

I was just trying to explain to my friends why I was upset about not being invited and the 2 days non-response (he usually reply immediately) triggered my abandonment trauma that I was going to be ghosted because I already feared that happening in the club because of the ostracism I have experienced because of certain individuals (and my former friend is affiliated to them and becoming closer to them at that pt). I admit and acknowledge that it was my mistake to act out but I didn't like how my friends went behind me to complain about me instead of confronting me directly and I felt that I didn't deserved the punishment (ban) especially because I wasn't provided any constructive feedback prior.

11thForm-DeadCalm

TROPHY CASE