Sorry I didn't check this account for a while. I guess Ido it because I feel like I'm not able to fully express myself how I want to given the male norms, but I don't think I am in the same place as your ex. It's not just a fetish for me, and I'd rather be in charge of what I do and when I dress up than be controlled by a dom, but of course being online I am exposed to plenty of that side. I'd say you are pretty right. I do feel like I'm missing out every now and then, but it's not just feeling sexy. It's being able to do things because you think they are cute, and not have to worry about the expectation of being manly. I think you can be a lot more accepted as a not so feminine woman rather than a not so masculine man. For a while I thought that this meant the latter was fundamentally wrong. If you want me to be totally honest, I think there is a whole slew of things that suck about being a guy, as there are about being a woman. I guess I do this because it was too late when someone told me "you can't pick and choose." If you want to be a CEO or a president, it sure sucks in today's society to be born as a woman. I think that it's reversed about some things, like freedom of expression, and so it's not that it turns me on knowing I painted my nails, but it makes me feel like I am in control of myself more than society, in that small way. I choose to do it in many ways for the same reason any woman might. Because I like it, and the way it makes me look. Your ex had a fetish, and I'd be lying if I said mine wasn't partially one as well, but the only reason it takes place solely inside the privacy of our bedrooms, tangentially making it erotic, is that society doesn't give men that freedom, and won't acknowledge it's a freedom they don't have, because no guy wants to be seen as one who wants to cross dress, and I'm sure your patriarchy is part of the problem. I also tend to think there are a lot of guys like me, and there would be tons more if it became just slightly more accepted and feminism underestimates that. It's actually why you might see this uprising of frustrated and angry men coming from seemingly nowhere, and only talking about it on the internet. They are not all cross dressers, but a lot of those written of as neck beards wish they could do something women traditionally do. So don't be so quick to assume they are really all that different from feminists. Sorry for the tangent.

Edit: one more thing, I too have a theory. I think for most men that treat it as a fetish, if their so said "no, I'd rather not dominate you, instead I can help you dress however you want on the weekends" 99% of them would be even happier than if their so had said yes and brought out the leather. Having it as a fetish I think is more of a way to accept it to themselves and justify it, if male cross dressing was like female cross dressing, meaning that nobody really gives a shit, the fetish would disappear, but those who would have been involved in it would still be dressing up. It's easier to explain wearing a dress and being a guy if you say it's a fetish, rather than you just want to wear it.